Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Butts, Boxes, Porn, Taking Over the World . . . and Fish?!?!?

A "BONUS" conversation between Bear and Momma . . . randomness to the max (but also a lot of fun)!

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

MK: Bear, can you explain something to me?
BC: Probably not.
MK: Why? Because you realize most of the stuff you do makes no sense?
BC: Nnnoooooo. Because cats are a higher life form and you don't have the cognitive ability to understand.
MK: You lick your own butt!
BC: Would YOU rather do it? REAL kitty mommas lick their babies'  butts FOR them. And besides, cats have manipulated you dopey humans so that we are fed, loved, and protected - all our needs are met - all we have to do is NOTHING. FREE! FOR LIFE! You idiots find our sleeping cute - so we can terrorize you during our waking hours and you STILL comply. Show me even ONE human who's accomplished that! 
MK: Did Kitty tell you that?
BC: NO. Maybe.
MK: Whatever. Back to my question. I don't get why you freak out when you're in your carrier or when you're closed in a room (intentionally or not) - and you won't go near an open box - but you have no problem hanging out in the pantry - even when I accidentally close you in there (what? the record is like 2 or 3 hours?) - or lounging behind an open door and the wall. 
BC: So what's the question?
MK: How do you explain the difference? It doesn't make sense! Especially because you have to sniff closed boxes to the point where I have to wait for you to finish before I can even attempt to open them - and then you disappear until the open box does.
BC: I'm checking the closed box for infidels, invaders, usurpers and illegal substances - I have to keep myself safe you know.
MK: Infidels like terrorists?
BC: No, mostly dogs, bunny rabbits, birds, squirrels, snakes, geckos . . . you get the idea.
MK: So any way, most cats LOVE open boxes - Kitty was satisfied for MONTHS with a new box.
BC: Simpleton.
MK: Dude! She handed you your ass on a platter several times. And she was 15 years older than you, didn't have front claws like you do, and had one less fang!
BC: Brain vs. brawn, my friend.
MK: I'm pretty sure she frequently outsmarted you too. How long did you sit in the corner waiting to turn into an all black cat - all because she told you to?
BC: That's not what we're talking about. You wanted to talk about boxes.
MK: How convenient that you now remember what we were talking about.
BC: Boxes are so PEDESTRIAN.
MK: Where did you learn that word? I've never used it! Have you been on the internet when I'm gone?
BC: {silence}
MK: THAT explains where the kitty porn came from! Is this yours?
BC: Hey! That's good stuff! And I read that dogs are pedestrian - and dog equals dumb and useless. Like boxes. You didn't delete the picture did you? It's my favorite!
MK: I guess . . . if you like . . . I don't even have the words.
BC: That's what I thought too! I'm speechless!
MK: I didn't mean in a good way.
BC: Hey, you aren't exactly all that hot when you're naked either . . . or when you're clothed for that matter.  Nightmares!
MK: So what else were you doing online?
BC: Hunting.
MK: For?
BC: Fish.
MK: Online?
BC: There's a website just for fish.
MK: Let me guess - {synonym of abundance}offish.com.
BC: How'd you know? Were you looking for fish to give me too?
MK: No. Wild guess. So you put your picture in the profile?
BC: Of course not - don't be stupid - I used a picture of the yummiest looking fish I could find, hoping to get a similar match. See?
BC: It's a "catfish." Did you know there's such a thing as a catfish? It sounds perfectly formulated for cats!
MK: You think that's why it's called a catfish?
BC: What else could it be?
MK: It has whiskers. Like a cat.
BC: A fish with whiskers? Next thing you'll tell me is that there's a type of squirrel that flies!
MK: Ummmmmm . . . 
MK: You wouldn't even know what to do with a whole fish! You'd just sit there licking it for hours.
BC: Licking it makes it last longer!
MK: So you expect your chosen fish to just come swimming up to our front door? 
BC: Ideally.
MK: What happens if a shark or another cat shows up at our front door?
BC: They couldn't. The site is only for fish!
MK: Like you? 
BC: You mean the other profiles could be fake too?
MK: You aren't the first living thing to come up with the idea of a fake profile {or at least a wildly modified one} to get a desirable mate.
BC: You mean not everything on the internet is real or true? There's not really an underground network of cat terrorists plotting to take over the world? 
MK: Probably not. Besides, why would you trust a website with atrocious spelling?
BC: I thought it was typed by humans! This possibility was my only reason for living!
MK: Like a network of cats would even get along long enough to accomplish something. Not to mention you all sleep like 18 hours a day: that cuts into your work time. How did you even find these "matching" websites anyway?
BC: I heard rumors that you could sell your dog on e-Bay.
MK: We don't have a dog!
BC: I know that. Just in case. I thought the matching websites were the e-Bay for people: so I searched for websites I could offer you on and figured if I could get a decent offer on you, I should go for it. Then I found the fishy site and got distracted. But no fear - I went back to my original plan.
MK: And how did that go?
BC: I calculated the amount of money I'd need for the rest of my life . . . but all I could get for you was the equivalent of one can of wet food . . . that's not enough for even one day!
MK: And where did you place this offer?
BC: Some "dating" site. What's "dating?" Never mind. Anyway, I had to fill out a whole profile for you - including strengths and weaknesses.
MK: And what did you put?
BC: Strengths: I love cats. I have an awesome cat. My cat is a lot of fun and very cute. Everyone loves my cat. Weaknesses: I'm not a cat. I'm not good enough for my cat. PLUS, I included ALL the best pictures of myself! Aren't I so smart? Who could resist?
MK: So you posted an entire profile of cat pictures and statements about cats?
BC: Obviously!
MK: {Momma trying really hard not to laugh} No wonder you didn't get any decent offers!
BC: Are you insulting me? I chose to highlight myself because I'm irresistible and I figured any guy would tolerate you if it also meant getting me! I'm cute!
MK:  Yes, but all that talk about cats freaks normal men out. Ever heard of a "cat lady?"
BC: I'm not picky! If he pays well, he doesn't have to be normal. And I thought "cat lady" was a compliment!
MK: Oh fantastic! Set me up with a "not normal" guy - like I can't find those kinds myself!
BC: Besides, what problem do men have with cats?
MK: I don't know, you'll have to ask one.
BC: Oh sure . . . because YOU'RE going to have another date before I die. It's hopeless! I'm stuck here with you FOREVER!
MK: I guess I should be thankful you didn't sell me into slavery . . .
BC: Would that pay more?
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: A lot of good that does me!
{Momma starts to pet Bear}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRR . . . Damn it! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR {sigh}. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR heart emoticon

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