Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Why Is Bear Suing Momma (AGAIN)!?!?!?

Remember the whole chicken campaign, where Bear used every available tool to "hint" to Momma to buy him a whole chicken, {HERE}? The chickens are back! Along with a "lawsut," damages for emotional distress, and a bunch of randomness. Who do you think "wins" the argument? Is Momma really that evil? Or is Bear just being a cat and finding offense in anything he can? And what do you think happened last night? How bad could it possibly be if Momma hasn't discovered it yet? But don't forget: Underestimate Bear at your own peril . . . 

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


BC: Ah-hem . . . Ma'am?
{PAUSE} 
BC: Ah-hem . . . Ma'am? Momma Kat? MOMMMMM-MA!
MK: Wha? Oh. Hi, Bear. Why are you carrying around your empty food plate?
BC: I'm serving you.
MK: An empty plate?
BC: Look closer!

MK: A piece of paper?
BC: Are you really that thick? Don't answer! That's a rhetorical question. For those (ahem . . . you) that aren't as intelligent as me . . . that means no answer is expected or needed.
MK: You're serving me a piece of paper that says "lawsut?"
BC: No! I'm serving you A LAWSUIT!
MK: That's not how . . . oh, never mind.
BC: Now you have to eat it!
MK: What?
BC: The paper that says lawsuit. I want to be sure I serve you properly so you don't get off on a technicality. When you serve something - then the other person eats what you serve - DUH!
MK: That's not what "serving" a lawsuit means!
BC: So now YOU'RE the legal expert? You don't even know how to spell "lawsut!" I'm a cat . . . well versed in injustices, offenses, mistreatments, and abuses of power. I think I KNOW!
MK: What did I do this time?
BC: You lured me into your home via false advertising.
MK: Oh, no.
BC: So you thought you got away with it, huh? It's time to buy the piper!
MK: You mean "pay?"
BC: Yes. I'm asking for five whole chickens, a hundred bags of cat treats, and a million cans of wet food.
MK: No. You "PAY the piper." Oh, never mind.
BC: Don't try to obfuscate the issue!
MK: Using fancy words doesn't make your argument any more valid!
BC: Your intransigent focus on my language is impeding our settlement of the impasse at hand.
MK: Give me the thesaurus!
BC: Only if you don't use it to confound and distract me with fancy words so you triumph in this predicament! 
MK: Fine. I don't need fancy words to fill an empty "lawsut."
BC: Lawsuit!
MK: So what "false advertising?"
BC: When I was homeless you fed me only wet food and cat treats. I very reasonably assumed you would continue this menu once you adopted me. Instead, after you cat napped me and brought me inside, you stuck a ginormous bowl of kibble in my face.
MK: Poor you.
BC: I know! That is why I'm suing!
MK: You weighed four pounds. And I bought you the best kitten kibble I could find to compensate for you starving for the first eight months of your life and probably not getting adequate nourishment from your kitty mom. You needed balanced nutrition!
BC: Irrelevant!
MK: And besides, I give you a little wet food every single day and extra treats at least once a week. You weigh almost fifteen pounds, Bear. I think you'll survive!
BC: Survival is not the issue.
MK: Anymore. Because I adopted you off the street.
BC: Irrelevant!
MK: Fine. But I do give you wet food and treats.
BC: But my main diet is crap . . . I mean kibble . . . 
MK: The number one ingredient is turkey! Not by-product or meal . . . but TURKEY!
BC: Still false advertising. And I had to steal Kitty's wet food until you gave me my own!
MK: Kitty was diabetic and required insulin shots. She NEEDED that wet food to ensure her intake was adequate for the insulin she got so we wouldn't have a low blood sugar situation. Her main diet was kibble too. And you know what? You were a complete ass! Even when you had your own wet food, you'd gobble down yours and then bug her for hers! And since she wanted nothing more than for you to leave her alone - she'd give it up easily. Here, she fell asleep waiting for you to eat whatever you wanted so you'd just go away.

BC: But the picture doesn't show me actually EATING her food. You have no proof!
MK: Except for the water hanging from your chin . . . because you had to use her water bowl too. The only reason I had to do that set-up was to keep you separate - but that didn't even work.
BC: Whatever.
MK: The picture reminds me . . . you want to talk about false advertising? When I fed you outside you were a total sweetheart who ignored the food as long as I was outside to pet you. Then you came inside and turned into an evil furry terrorist! You wouldn't leave Kitty alone - watching her while she slept, was in the litter box, ate . . . You refused any rules or boundaries: you ignored the water squirter and tore up carpet if you were closed in or out of a room (like when I tried to keep Kitty away from you so she'd eat). You were a complete PAIN IN THE ASS.
BC: I don't see how any of that is relevant. I was a playful kitten!
MK: You knocked a toaster off the counter after managing to get your paw stuck in it, popped keys off my laptop and then batted them around so I couldn't find them, shredded any books, papers and posters within your reach, chewed cords, and managed to get every single available pen - seventeen in all - stuck under the couch. I thought I was completely losing my mind - until I moved the couch to vacuum and found your stash!
BC: Not my problem. And anyway - I'm a cat! You should have known!
MK: I'm a person! Don't cats already know all humans are evil and just out to screw them over? "You should have known!"
BC: So I'm not getting a hundred whole chickens?
MK: You said five.
BC: The other ninety-five are for emotional distress.
MK: Emotional distress? Let's summarize, shall we? You were a homeless cat with no protection from predators or Mother Nature and an inability to hunt and fill your belly. Now you have a warm, protected home. A full belly. Fun toys, a cat tree, and furniture and carpet to shred. And as much love as you'll accept.
BC: Not true! Sometimes you don't pet me when I want you to!
MK: When I'm sleeping.
BC: Doesn't matter. You live for me, remember? At my service.
MK: Yet when I wake YOU up - even to adjust your cat bed on your cat tree so it doesn't fall off the highest perch with you in it, you act like I've committed the most horrible sin.
BC: And you torture me!
MK: For the love of . . . I brush your teeth because you'd lose every single one if I didn't, I clip your claws to minimize my scars, I limit your food so you don't become diabetic like Kitty, and I don't leave you alone outside because I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Torture? No.
BC: I hate you!
MK: So sue me!
BC: I am!
MK: No whole chickens. No extra bags of treats. And no extra cans of wet food.
BC: Is this about what happened last night?
MK: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!?!?
BC: You don't know?
MK: What?
BC: Nothing.
MK: Tell me.
BC: If you drop this line of interrogation - consider us even. No more lawsuit.
MK: Aren't you kind?
BC: And you say I'm a pain in the ass!
{PAUSE}
BC: Oh. Sarcasm again. I knew that!



2 comments:

  1. These always make me laugh so much !

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you enjoy them! I don't get much feedback and I've gotten the attack of the "no one cares!" So thank you for that. I always drool over your yummies. No really. Drool. If I regularly stocked protein powder I would make every single one.
      If I hadn't seen your Feeding My Addiction Facebook page - I never would have had the idea to do one for my blog. And it's really helped - I think more people read my MK Facebook page than read the actual blog

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