Friday, April 14, 2017

Showdown at the border

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Showdown at the border:
BC: {Three AM ... sitting on Momma's chest and whacking her face with his paws} Momma! Wake-y wake-y!!! Time to feed me! HIIIIIIIIIIIII! The dishwasher is done!

{Momma pulls the covers over her head}

BC: Wake-y wake-y!!!
{Silence}
BC: I'M GOING TO STARVE IF YOU DON'T GET UP RIGHT NOW!!!
{Silence}
BC: HOW RUDE! At least I have a back up pair of thumbs around here now.
{Pause}
BC: {Three-ten AM ... sitting on The Boy's chest and whacking his face with his paws} BOY!! HEY! YOU!!! Wake-y wake-y!!! Time to feed me! The dishwasher is done! GET UP!!!
{Silence}
BC: {jumping on The Boy's stomach} I'm going to jump on you until you wake up!!! Stupid Momma trained herself not to react to me using her stomach as a trampoline. 
{Silence}
BC: {out of breath} Holy cow. I'm getting old! How did I manage to do that for hours at a time before? Ugh. EXERCISE. There's a reason I don't like you! After I get my food, I'm going to require some stuff for my sore muscles ... maybe a massage and a bubble bath? 
{Pause}
BC: Err ... scratch the bubble bath. Unless the bubbles are cat nip bubbles. I need a nap too!

{Pause}
BC: HOW RUDE!!! What is WRONG with these morons? They blab all day long when I just want a little bit of quiet ... and when I require assistance, they're dead to the world! Hmmm.
{Pause}
BC: The Boy is dead!
MK: Wha???
BC: THE BOY IS DEAD!
{Momma and The Boy say "HUH?!?!?!" and sit up straight in bed at the same time}
MK: Are you okay?
The Boy: Yeah! I was sleeping!
MK: BEAR!
BC: You OBVIOUSLY don't understand the problem! I'm STARVING.

MK: Then eat your kibble on your mat.
BC: Phht. I can't eat kibble unless it's in my bowl!
MK: Bear, when the food is in your bowl, you just paw it out on the mat anyway! I saved you a step!
BC: But my bowl is in the dishwasher! And now, the dishwasher is done.
MK: Live with it.
BC: This is cat crap! And this isn't just regular crap. Oh, no! This is extra, super, weapons-grade, extra stinky cat crap! The kind of cat crap that only goes in the west side of my litter box!

The Boy: Weapons-grade. Hahahaha. That's pretty accurate. You could bury it under six feet of litter and that stuff would still peel paint off the walls.
BC: As if your $#!+ doesn't stink!
The Boy: Not that you ever bury it anyway!
BC: Just make fun of the poor defenseless, STARVING kitty cat! I see how it is!
The Boy: You're the one that came up with the chart on whether to bury or not.

BC: THAT'S IT! I've taken enough abuse from you lesser beings!
MK: Says the cat that woke us up at three AM just because his food bowl is in the dishwasher.
BC: I'm hungry!
MK: You have food on your mat!
BC: It's not the same! The food tastes different.
MK: It DOES NOT! How do I know that? BECAUSE YOU PAW THE FOOD FROM YOUR BOWL ONTO THE MAT AND THEN EAT IT!!! Either way, you eat the same food off the same mat.
{Pause}
BC: Sheesh. You don't have to YELL at me! I'm seceding from your tyranny! I'm drawing the line. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side! Excuse me, I have work to do!
{Pause}
BC: {from the other room} La de da ... do da la ti do.
{Pause}
BC: You two better check this out!
MK: Bear, it's three-thirty AM!
BC: Phht. An empty kitty belly knows no time. I get the default judgment on the boundary if you don't speak up now ... no complaints later.
The Boy: Just go back to sleep.
MK: I'm kind of curious.
The Boy: And they say curiosity killed the cat. It killed the "Kat" too.
MK: Hahaha.
{Momma gets up to investigate the boundaries}
BC: There's your side ... and here's my side.



MK: BEAR! The entire house is yours - except for my computer area and the kitchen!

BC: {sigh} I know. I was pretty generous.
MK: The boundary line is made up of your toys!
BC: {sigh} Is it state the obvious day again? 
MK: What happens when you want to play with one of the toys?
BC: I have a contingency pl ... OH! My kickstick! Prepare to ...

The Boy: HEY! My desk is in your territory.
BC: Do you mind? Can't you tell I'm BUSY with my kickstick?!?!

The Boy: How am I going to work tomorrow if my desk is in your domain?
BC: Phht. Just apply for a permit to work in my territory.

The Boy: A work visa?
BC: The charge to apply for a work visa is one hundred dollars or one tasty whole chicken. Work visas are only good for one twenty-four hour period.
MK: Bear! Your litter box is in our side and our bathroom is in your side.

BC: I'm authorized to ratify a reciprocity agreement. There's no such thing as a free poop, but the reciprocity agreement is the closest you can get. Be thankful I don't charge you per use.
The Boy: Actually, what if we moved the gnarly litter box to your side?
BC: Then you'd pay per use of the bathroom. Need a drink? Fifty bucks. Need to take a crap? One hundred dollars! A shower? Seventy-five. Those prices don't include toilet paper, water, or toiletries.


MK: BEAR! We bought the toilet paper, toiletries, and the water! You don't pay for them!
BC: If you don't like it, you can move those items out of my bathroom. Otherwise, if they're in my territory, I decide!
MK: How could we take a shower elsewhere? 
BC: The kitchen sink?
MK: This is ridiculous! It's extortion!!!
BC: I'm a business cat and I'm playing ... playing ... err ... curveball!
MK: Hardball?
BC: Call it what you will.
{Pause}
MK: Our bed is on your side!
BC: My bed. Though you're welcome to apply for a recreational visa.

MK: Oh for the love ...
BC: Recreational visas are only good for one twenty-four hour period and cost two hundred and fifty dollars, due at the time of application.
MK: This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay two hundred and fifty dollars just to sleep in my own bed for a night.
BC: Suit yourself. But given that the couch, loveseat, and guest bed are all in my territory, you don't have much choice. By the way, the application fee is non-refundable and is per person. And no tabs - I require payment up front ... so don't think you can pull one over on me.

MK: BEAR! I'm not going to pay you two hundred and fifty dollars only to be denied my own bed!
BC: When I raise enough money through visas to buy a tasty whole chicken farm, my side will revert back to your sovereignty as I'll live on my farm in a sweet retirement package.
{Pause}
BC: And don't even THINK of crossing that line without applying for the applicable visa. I'm the shark guarding the border.

MK: No demilitarized zone?
BC: Phht. I have claws and fangs. Just TRY to demilitarize me!
MK: That's a lot of talk for Mr. Tough Pants.
BC: That's right! I wear the pants! And they're tough pants!
MK: I'm going back to bed.
BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!
MK: OWWW!
BC: You crossed the border without the appropriate visa!

{Pause}
BC: And besides, I require ear rubs. 
MK: That will be a thousand dollars for ten minutes.
BC: WHAT?!?! That's a rip off!

MK: Fair play, Mr. Business Cat.
The Boy: Hahahahahahaha. She got you there!
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!?!
The Boy: Remind him that you keep the food on our side!!! Eighty bucks per bowl refill! And fifty dollars for each wet food treat. Regular treats? Ten dollars each.
BC: I'm RIGHT HERE you know!
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU! That's it! I'm instituting an idiot tax! And a blab tax.

MK: I'll charge a pain in my ass tax!
BC: Hahahaha. You'll get The Boy there!
The Boy: HEY!
MK: No. You'd pay that tax, Bear.
BC: I double all my fees!
MK: I triple ours!
BC: I'm hungry!
MK: Two hundred and forty bucks to fill your bowl.
BC: Any chance you two are going back to sleep soon? Maybe you have to use the bathroom? 

MK: Nope.
BC: RATS! We'll start the new boundaries and fee schedule tomorrow.

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43 comments:

  1. "There's no such thing as a free poop." Ha! Oh Bear, you always help me start my day off right :)

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    1. I love to hear that! My Momma's day didn't start nearly as nicely ;) ~Bear Cat

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  2. Hmmm, poop fees sound like a grand idea. You're a genius, Bear! And we sure hope this business deal gets settled soon, Bear, because we sure don't want you starving. Who would entertain us then?

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    1. Whatever I have to do to buy my tasty whole chicken farm! ~Bear Cat

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  3. It is so hard to do much of anything when you are so darn hungry Bear, but ya done good!

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  4. Got you there just a bit, sweetie. Good marketing, and clever, too. Who says cats don't know what the world's all about? MOL!

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    1. Sometimes I wonder if the humans get it at all! ~Bear Cat

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  5. We have the same problem around here, Bear. The humans NEVER feed us at the right time. They wait WAY TOO LONG!!!! We like your border and fee ideas. Perhaps we will have to incorporate them!

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    1. I hope there are enough tasty whole chicken farms for sale for all of us! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Bear, all they had to do was get your dish! I have to admit, though, I'm not clear who won this round. When, oh when, will you get that tasty whole chicken?

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    Replies
    1. In fairness, he did get chicken pieces for dinner last night. At which he turned up his nose!

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    2. I ate them when Momma gave the chicken pieces to me!!! Yours had Boy-ties ;) ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear there is NEVER a dull moment in your home!! You are like Cody jumping on my husband's face at 3am to get food! catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. Thankfully, neither have an accomplice ... imagine Bear and Cody working TOGETHER!

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  8. My mum leaves me 3 or 4 bowls of different food at night to encourage me to eat. I still jump on her at 4AM and yell at her. If she doesn't wake up I sit on her face. That usually works, particularly if I have just paid a visit to my litter box.

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    Replies
    1. I still have a lot to learn, Flynn ... thank you ... I'm going to have some fun tonight! ~Bear Cat

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  9. You're jumpin' on da wrong spot Bear. We learned long ago, ifin ya' want da human outta bed, ya' gotta hit da bladder and not get off. It's also helpful to push them off da bed. When they land on da cold hard floor, you'd be amazed how awake they are. As fur dat kibble on da mat...it's old and stale. It's not anythin' like dat furesh kibble you push outta da bowl at mealtime. Altho' who wants kibble in da middle of da night? MOL big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. WHAT?!?! I have to figure out how to push them out of bed! I'd done the bladder trick a few times ... but that works best around (max effectiveness) 5 or 6 am ;) ~Bear Cat

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  10. Geez, how hard is it to get up and feed a cat in the middle of the night, you poor thing. Happy to see your chicken leg in the line :)

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    Replies
    1. EXACTLY! It's all about ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Getting moms up and out of bed can be so hard.

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  12. We feel your pain, Bear, it's so hard to get fed at the right moment... Purrs

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  13. Hello Bear,
    These humans don't understand about "mat food". Get this , the female human has the hubris to fold the mat and shake the food back into the bowl!! And if that isn't horrifying enough, she tries to pass this act off as filling the bowl. There's no way we allow her to get away with this and I believe the Tribe of a Five has finally trained her not to do this anymore.

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    1. HOW?!?!?! My Momma does that too!!! How do I train her not to?!?!? ~Bear Cat

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  14. Ah, Bear, sometimes the best plans look good on paper....but then when you try to execute them, you find the flaws. :)

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    1. Things sound so much better in my head! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Oh Bear, now where is the respect for their elders and betters? Picking on a poor (lack of cash and chickens) defenceless (only a set of claws and teeth) hungry (no food bowl) kitty! There should be redress for you suffering! Out of interest, where was the fuse box positioned in the demarkation arrangement? Cutting off supplies could force a result! Purrs, Erin
    PS Have you thought of having a pal of your own come to stay?

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    Replies
    1. RATS! The fuse box is in THEIR territory! I'm going to have to rethink this. I'm so glad you're on top of things! ~Bear Cat
      ps - You're welcome any time, Erin. We're short on mice, but long on cheese :)

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    2. Hmm, I think a strategic reshuffle of borders is called for, maybe even annexation! I'll take a long mouse if you have one of those instead?
      Purrs

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    3. I'm working on it! You're a wonderful friend, Erin! ~Bear Cat

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  16. MOL! The west side of the litter box? I better start paying close attention to when I scoop. Good luck on starting those new boundaries.

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  17. Clearly one should not truffle with a hungry cat!

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  18. You had a pretty good money making scheme there for awhile but it looks like you were temporarily outsmarted!

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    1. I really hate when my Momma gets all plucky like that! ~Bear Cat

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  19. Bear, we are thinking that if this keeps up, you might be relegated to someone's farm whether you like it our don't. Three a.m...dude...are you kidding? XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    1. Nope. I'm VERY serious where my food is concerned! ~Bear Cat

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  20. I always said if I could bottle my gas...I'd be rich. :-) Maybe you are on to something.

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