Tuesday, May 16, 2017

A win-win

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

{A knob turns somewhere in the house ... and a door opens}

BC: HUH?!?! The coat closet! SCRAM! BUST A MOVE! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!
MK: Bear ...
BC: {from under the bed} I'm NOT coming out! NOPE! NOT. COMING. OUT. EVER. 

{Pause}
BC: I am NOT going to the vet ... not today ... not tomorrow ... not next week ... NEVER! NEVER NEVER N ...
{A zipper zips}
BC: {coming out from under the bed} Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: That's not my carrier ... THAT'S A SUITCASE! Where are we going?

MK: The BlogPaws Conference.
BC: Do I get to walk the red carpet? Pose for glamour shots? Ride in a limo? Do I get to eat ... err ... I mean, fraternize with tasty whole chickens? {GASP} WILL THERE BE TORTIES THERE?!?!? Hubba hubba! Torties! Ooooh! And a TIARA! I'll wear a tiara! You know what they say about torties ...
MK: What?
BC: Torties LOVE tiaras!
MK: Ummm ... Bear? You're not going.
BC: Ooooh! And all the bowls FULL of cat treats that you told me about last year! It'll be ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... I'm not going? WHAT?!?! This is MY blog! If we're going to win an award, I should BE THERE to accept it! Maybe do my "I'm too sexy" prance ... err ... I mean, DANCE!
MK: Bear, you howl the entire car ride to the vet. Can you imagine the melee if I took you on an airplane? And you'd have to stay in your carrier. And even so, with your tantrum, you'd end up on a terrorist watch list and the permanent no fly list!
BC: Wait wait wait. Carrier? Airplane? Oh, nononononono.
MK: Bear, how else would we get to Myrtle Beach?
BC: Our chicken cannon?
MK: {sigh} For the last time, we don't have a chicken cannon!
BC: FINE! Keep all the fun stuff from me!
MK: Bear, if you came along, you wouldn't have your cat tree or your favorite toys with you ... it would all be work.
BC: Work? WORK?!?!?! Itch! I'm itching! I'm allergic to work! Maybe it's better to let you make a fool out of yourself!
MK: You'll be just fine here ... with all your stuff and everything that smells like you.
BC: But ... but ... who will feed me? Who will pet me? 
{Pause}
BC: AND WHO WILL I BITE?!?! 
MK: I'll only be gone for a little over three days, Bear.
BC: But ... but ... I need to bite! If I don't bite ...
{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} One suitcase ... "I'll" ... 

{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} The Boy is not going?!?!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} OOOOOOOOHHH HELL NO! NONONONONONONONO!!! And just in case you missed that ... NO! YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE WITH  ... with ... {whispering} THE BOY!!!
MK: The Boy will be here with you, yes.
BC: This is an OUTRAGE! You go off to have fun and you make me moron sit!
MK: What?
BC: Babysitting for MORONS! 
MK: You'll be fine.
BC: NO! I won't! He doesn't pet me if I wake him up! He doesn't scoop my litter box enough! He doesn't "AWWWW" all over me! And he gets mad when I bite him instead of just sighing in resignation like you do! 
MK: Maybe. But he doesn't brush your teeth or wash your chin. He often gives you part of his dinner ... and if I'm not here to limit his "presents" you might be one lucky kitty.
BC: Hmmm. Do you have to come back?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Kidding. Only kidding! Err ... MOSTLY.
{Pause}
BC: Will I get my wet food treat?
MK: I asked him to give it to you ... but that's between the two of you.
BC: RATS! I have to break him in!
MK: I warned him that any time I tried cutting out your wet food treat you'd get ... umm ...
BC: UNBEARABLE?
MK: Yes. Bear is "un -'bear' - able." Hahahahahaha.
BC: You laugh now.
MK: But it wasn't funny at the time. I know. Between you following me EVERYWHERE and making it impossible for me to do anything because you were climbing all over me, it certainly was not funny.
BC: Hehehehehe. You used to take pride in being the most stubborn living thing you know ... until I came around ... hehehehe. Bear Cat Kat: putting humans in their place since 2006.
MK: {sigh} You are one stubborn mother-meower! I gave up on trying to stop you from hanging out on the counters ... we have fights to the death over clipping your claws and brushing your teeth ... I gave up on stopping you from ripping up anything you could get your claws on ... and when I trained myself not to respond to your efforts to wake me up, you started sticking your tongue in my ear. Not to mention all the destruction of blinds, carpet, furniture, my computer ... getting into EVERYTHING ...



BC: What about biting! I'm FEROCIOUS aren't I?


MK: How could I forget?  SOMECAT dug his fangs into my arm ... you can make out the top two and bottom two fang marks on my arm ... plus where you moved slightly and I tried to get away - but you refused to remove your fangs from my arm.
BC: You grabbed me to brush my teeth!
MK: You're right. I should just let you lose them all.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: And I have the physical proof!
BC: Phht. At least all the cats and dogs at the Conference will know you're taken!
MK: I have to give you credit ... you're incredibly stubborn, even for a cat!
BC: Thank you. But what about The Boy? I have to start over with him! Decent help is so hard to find! And it took me TEN YEARS to train you! TEN YEARS! This was supposed to be my retirement ... my golden years ... I dreamed of relaxing on my tasty whole chicken farm in the sun ... their nest eggs ... a harem of torties ... nipped to the world ... but no! You have to bring someone else aboard to muck everything up! And he's a BOY! Boys are gross! Boys are dirty! Boys are trouble. And boys are stupid! I know because I AM one! Nine lives wouldn't be enough to train one boy.
MK: Three days.
BC: I CAN'T WORK UNDER THIS PRESSURE! I'M MOLTING!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... {sniff, sniff, SNIFF, SNIIIIIIFFF} ...
{Pause}
BC: Ooooh, Daddy! I smell ... I smell ... BACON! Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon! Can I have some?
The Boy: It's interesting that you only call me "daddy" when you want something from me. Otherwise, I'm "The Boy."
BC: Or moron. Hahahaha. Moron is my favorite thing to call you!
The Boy: No bacon for you!
BC: But I LOVE bacon.
The Boy: Fine. But only a small piece.
BC: You're wrapped around my NOT so little claw!
MK: Speaking of not so little claws ... I need to clip yours before I leave for the Conference. Otherwise, The Boy might not survive.
BC: WHAT?!?! Clip my claws? RATS!
MK: {to The Boy} You CAN tell him no sometimes.
BC: No, he can't!
MK: Yes! He can!
BC: NO! The Boy is pussy whipped!
The Boy: Aren't we all? Though I think "pussy bitten" or "pussy scratched" is more accurate.
BC: Phht. I like to call it "pussy dominated!" Now gimme the bacon!
{The Boy reaches toward Bear with a bite of his food}
BC: WAIT! That's not bacon! You're holding out on me!
The Boy: It's chicken! You like chicken!
BC: CHICKEN?!?! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

MK: What do you say, Bear?
BC: BITE ME!
MK: No. Bear ...
BC: Ummmm ... you're welcome!
MK: No. It starts with, "Thank ..."
BC: Thank the kitty gods for chicken!
MK: Not exactly.
BC: Thank ... thank ...
MK: You?
BC: Me what?
MK: NO! Say "THANK YOU" to The Boy because he gave you chicken.
BC: But it wasn't bacon!
MK: BEAR!
BC: {changing the subject} Oooooh! Who is that handsome kitty?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: What's this?
{Pause}
BC: {reading} "My name is Bear Cat Kat. I'm the diva of Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat." "My human's name is Kat. She LOVES me! I love tasty whole chickens!"
MK: That's what I'm taking to the Conference to represent you. Some people bring flat pets, I'm bringing some pictures of you and that little blurb.
BC: You have to redo this! I'm not the DIVA! I'm the ***STAR***! And you should tell them that I am MUCH more handsome in catson!
{Pause}
BC: Let's see the rest of it ... "My human's ..." No! It should be, "My IDIOT's name is ..."
MK: No. We're going with, "human!"
BC: Phht! You should change, "me" to "doughnuts!" And change "tasty whole chickens" to "biting!"
MK: Fine. I'll change the first one. But not the second.
BC: Everything has to be YOUR way! Everything is YOUYOUYOU! 
{Momma works}
MK: How's this?

BC: Phht. Like you really want MY opinion! 
MK: Huh. You're right. I don't.
BC: WHAT?!?! I'm the boss around here! You were SUPPOSED to acquiesce!
{Silence}
BC: You're ignoring me! HEY!!!! You'll pay for this! Just wait until you leave!
MK: Hahahahahaha.
The Boy: HEY! He's hard enough to manage when he's not a ball of furry fury!
BC: I hate you! And you too, Momma! Pussy-bitten coming up!
MK: Uh oh ...
The Boy: Why are you lacing up your shoes?
MK: I don't have to run faster than Bear ... I just have to run faster than you.
{Momma takes off}
The Boy: @#$%^! But my food is sitting out!
BC: BOO-YAH!! Now THIS is what I call a win-win! MUCH better than any award!

NOTE: Due to the BlogPaws conference, Momma is taking Friday off. We plan to be back next Tuesday.

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40 comments:

  1. Hmm..... three days alone... with the Boy... is your mom sure about this??? PS: our mom says to your mom - enjoy the conference!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure she will ... though she'll miss her boys :) She's not sure who she's more worried about ;) ~Bear Cat

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  2. You know, Bear, it might not be so bad, letting your momma go to BlogPaws. After all, don't you think there might be a chance she'll be bringing back some goodies for you?

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    Replies
    1. I hope so! Last year, I got so excited, I DOVE in her duffel bag of swag and was high on catnip for months ;) ~Bear Cat

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  3. Tell the Momma Kat to travel safely Bear! Flat Brian will be looking for her at the conference!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She can't wait to meet your Dad, Brian! She'll be looking for {flat} you and your fedora! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear, you made our Mama laugh with your revised signs! :D

    You are such a handful!

    Tell your Mama ours wishes her safe travels to Myrtle Beach. She isn't able to attend BP this year but really wants to go next year and hopes she will meet your Mama then :) Tell your Mama to have fun!

    the critters in the cottage xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I think she will have fun. She'll miss meeting you though ... she loves your critters and would love to hear more about them! ~Bear Cat

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  5. AMARULA: LOVE the photos and the blurb! Do you think you could send me one Bear so I can look at you all the time?! It's probably for the best you are not going--it does sound like a lot of work though I would have loved seeing you work the red carpet! (PS I have a tiara!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You ... have a ... tiara?!?! TOO MUCH wonderful ... TOO MUCH wonderful! Okay, okay, I have very little self-control as it is ... but you are something else, Amarula! ~Bear CAt

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  6. We just hope that the Mom has a great time at Blog Paws.Bear, we think you will be fine with the Boy. Good luck to all of you.

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  7. Have fun! Oh to be a fly on the wall at your house while you are gone! catchatwithcarenandcody

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  8. Enjoy Blog Paws. Stay safe, Bear needs you to come home safely. But, you will pay. *wink*

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  9. There might be torties there Bear, but your favorite tortie will be stuck at home just like you :( Your Momma sure is brave leaving you two boys alone though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RATS! Mudpie should come over and we can party! The Boy is a pushover ;) ~Bear Cat

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  10. Bear, we hope your momma enjoys her time at BlogPaws. Those picture booklets of you are adorable. We got a kick out of the revised signs!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I do cut a svelte figure don't I? ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, we bet The Boy will let you get away with waaaaaay more stuff than your mom would if she was home. It's a win-win-win!

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  12. I hope your Momma has a wonderful time. And I hope you have a great time torturing, I mean bonding with The Boy.

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  13. dood....ya noe what they say when de peepulz a way.....itz time ta partee
    witha cap a tull Z !!! ~~~~~~ be nice two de boy N ewe can throw one hellava one
    while yur momz gone.....N he canna rat on ewe coz he will bee in on it ~~ yea !!

    hope her haza soooper awesum time; a safe trip all round N best fishez two her !
    ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. You tabbies are brilliant! Simply BRILLIANT! The Boy might just fall for it! ~Bear Cat

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  14. We hope your mom travels safe and has great time ! Purrs

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  15. Hope you are having a blast at BlogPaws. I had so hoped I could go but it just didn't work out this year. Hopefully next time!

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  16. Oh Bear, chicken canon? Wouldn't that hurt?! Mom wishes you were at the confurr-ence to sing your "too sexy" song while walking the red carpet! That would be a real treat! Your sign is clever & witty just like you, pal! Hopefully "The Boy" understands your contractual demands while your Mom is away!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's hopeless. But I did get a french fry! ~Bear Cat

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  17. My management team at BlogPaws tell me that your mom is doing some great PR work for you with all the Tasty Chicken sponsors, and Torties at Blog Paws, and I understand there is some AWESOME primo quality "Meowijuana" nip products heading your way. Purrs, ERin
    PS.... Now as to the Boy, do you have a work schedule sorted? these things work way better if you keep the occupied between servicing your requirements. Maybe the Boy could take dictation on a novella or your biography?
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not entirely sure he can read or write ... but tasty whole chickens and torties would easily make up for that! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Well, Bear, I hope you survived without your momma for three whole days. And I hope she had a wonderful time at the conference! Can't wait to read all about it. With your commentary added in, of course.

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    Replies
    1. Barely. I BARELY survived. Actually, The Boy might have struggled just a little more ;) ~Bear Cat

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  19. We sure wish we could have gone to BP Bear. We would have luvved to meet your mommy. And of course we would luv to meet you too. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I'd love to meet your Mommy! And you two girls! That would be the highlight of any conference!

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  20. You don't have a chicken cannon? You ever watch Air Farce? They have somethin' like that there. Maybe you could borrow theirs. As far as I know, they only use it once a year on their New Year's Special so I'm bettin' they could loan it to you throughout the year. PURRS.

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    Replies
    1. I KNOW! WHO DOESN'T OWN A CHICKEN CANNON?!?! Hmmm ... I wonder if you could retrofit it to make a weasel cannon? ~Bear Cat

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