Friday, January 6, 2017

"The script"

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - "The script":

BC: MAKEUP! Makeup on the set!
MK: There is no set, Bear. And makeup? No one can see us!
BC: You're right. There's no help for you. But I need some touchups. Please hold.
{Lick, lick, licked-y lick}

MK: Okay, are you ready, Bear?
BC: READ THE SCRIPT!!! You don't ask if the interviewee is ready ON CAMERA!
MK: We're NOT on camera! Remember? You didn't want video! This is a ...
BC: JUST READ THE SCRIPT! 
MK: You never said we're starting!
BC: And don't say anything NOT on the script!
MK: {sigh} We're here with Bear Cat Kat ... the tough, handsome, {Pause as Momma tries to not laugh} illustrious {Momma starts snickering} ...
BC: I'm glad to be here! Err ... perhaps you need a second to compose yourself OFF CAMERA?
MK: {laughing} We're not ON camera!
BC: OFF THE RECORD! You're RUINING my interview! All you have to do is read the script OUT LOUD!
{Pause}
BC: For those of you just tuning in, I'm Bear Cat Kat, the tough, handsome, no nonsense, illustrious and revered feline blogger renowned the world over!
{Momma laughs out loud}
BC: MONKEYS! Monkeys have invaded the studio! That sound you hear is crazy monkeys! Give them some doughnuts! Give them some doughnuts! Call my lawyer! The police? RATS! WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE!??!? I need a bazooka! Or a skunk! Or a skunk bazooka!

MK: Okay, okay, Bear ...
BC: {AHEM} You may call me Mr. Kat.
{Silence}
BC: Mom ... err ... the interviewer may ask her first question.
MK: Is there ...
BC: But before you do ... I must say it's a privilege to have me on your program. I never listen to you, but you are much esteemed for having a character of my catheter.
{Silence}
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: Caliber?
BC: THAT'S NOT ON THE SCRIPT!
MK: NO! A character of your CALIBER!
BC: That's what I said! See! It's written right ... RATS! I can't read my own paw-writing!
{Pause}
BC: And baaaaaaaack to you!
MK: You went off script ... now do I still ask the first question as written?
BC: READ THE SCRIPT! Sheesh! I'd have better luck with a monkey interviewing me. Can monkeys read? 
MK: Okay. Is there a process you go through in your blogging duties?
BC: I'm a cat! It's pretty self explanatory!
MK: Ummm .... Bear?
BC: MR. KAT!
MK: What's the point of an interview if you answer a question with, "It's pretty self explanatory!"
BC: The important people will understand.
MK: Can you be more specific for us dummies?
BC: THE SCRIPT! I swear. I give you ONE JOB. ONE. JOB. I look cute. I sleep. I eat. I poop. I sleep. I eat. Instant inspiration!
MK: So you don't actually DO anything?
BC: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING? I look cute. I sleep. I eat. I poop. I sleep. I eat. 
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} Ask the next question, Momma!
MK: If you could meet a famous person, who would you choose?
BC: You mean a famous CAT? That's easy ...
MK: Nope. My copy definitely says PERSON.
BC: I'm sorry, WHO WROTE THE INTERVIEW?!?! You don't question the set questions and answers I give you!
MK: Okay. If you could meet a famous CAT, who would you choose?
{Silence}
{Lick, lick, licked-y lick}

MK: Oh for the love of ... you don't groom yourself in the middle of the interview!
BC: I must be presentable to my public.
MK: We're only publishing the transcript. NO video.
BC: Well, I know if I'm presentable or not. It doesn't matter if anyone else can see me. You might think more about that if you ever want a man to stick around!
{Lick, lick, licked-y lick}

MK: Famous cat?
BC: I know I am.
MK:{sigh} NO. What famous cat would you choose to meet?
BC: ME!
MK: But ...
BC: NEXT question!
MK: What is your position on biting versus clawing?
BC: They both have a vital role in the management of humans.
MK: So what projects do you have in the works that our readers might see in the coming months?
BC: I have a 2:03pm nap. I usually poop around 6pm. Grab a nibble or two before hitting the hay until 3:17am when I have crazy pants du ... WAIT A ... I DIDN'T WRITE CRAZY PANTS ON HERE! THAT'S IN YOUR HANDWRITING!
MK: Do you have any things you destroy before you work on a post?
BC: Why, yes, I always ... WAIT A MINUTE! THAT WASN'T in the script! You were supposed to ask if I have photo sessions before I work on a post! I KNEW I should've gotten mousie to do this interview!
MK: How can a mousie do an interview without ears, Bear?

BC: MR. KAT! Better than a moron without a brai ... wait a ... YOU have a ... no, wait. You don't. Never mind.
MK: Because anyone WITH a brain would refuse to read your ridiculous interview!
BC: SO YOU ADMIT YOU DON'T HAVE A BRAIN!
MK: No. I'm just intimately familiar with the clawing vs. biting debate.








BC: ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND we're off to commercial!
{Pause}
BC: We need to have a little chat, Momma. Come to my office. NO! You sit on the floor.

MK: Aren't we "chatting" in the "interview?"
BC: You keep going OFF SCRIPT! If this were real, the talent would walk out because you deviated from the set script!
MK: If this were "real," there'd be talent!
BC: {sigh} You're right. I should've known to hire a professional interviewer!
{Pause}
BC: And we're BACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!} {whispering} NUMBER SEVEN!
MK: I hear you have an exciting ... err ... BEAR! I can't read ...
BC: THE SCRIPT!
MK: I hear you have an exciting ... castration? Conflagration?
BC: CONFLATION!!! Wait ... no ... RATS! ... COLLABORATION! {AHEM!}
MK: I hear you have an exciting COLLABORATION in the works. Would you like to talk about it?
BC: No.
MK: Bear, if you don't want to talk about it, DON'T PUT IT IN THE INTERVIEW!
BC: I want to seem mysterious!
MK: YOU'RE A CAT! That goes without saying!
BC: But THEY don't know I'm a cat!
MK: "Bear Cat Kat?" "I'm a cat! It's pretty self explanatory?"
BC: Oh yeah. I forgot that part.
MK: So you have a new collaboration?
BC: Who wants to know?
MK: Off the record.
BC: I was referring to my partnership with Super Bear!




MK: Partnership?

BC: He's providing me "material." 
MK: Ah. Is that what I found in the hall earlier?
BC: RATS!
MK: And then in the bathroom?

BC: You've reached Bear Cat Kat ... I'm ON THE AIR ... don't leave a message and ask the next question.
{Silence}
BC: Not again ... BEEP!
{Pause}
BC: Proceed.
MK: {sigh} What's one thing your adoring fans should know about you?
BC: I am MORE handsome in per ... err ... CATson. Yeah, I get that ALL. THE. TIME! OH! AND I am much tougher and more brutal than I appear on my blog. And my Momma has no life. If you knew her, you'd understand why no man wants to ....
MK: BEAR! You wrote "ONE thing!" That's three and the last isn't about you at all!
BC: Well, I have to deal with you! Next question.
MK: Who is your inspiration?
BC: Easy! Me.
MK: Oh, for the love.
BC: And seeing what little life and usefulness my Momma has. I have to take care of her. It's a hard job! Did I mention that NO MAN ...




MK: WHAT?!?
{Pause}
MK: {back to the script} That's very nice of you, Mr. Kat. You are truly an {cough} inspiration to cats with less than ideal ... Bear!
BC: You were going to say, "less than ideal humans," right?
MK: I knew it was a mistake to go along with this and NOT read everything first.
BC: You don't trust me! I will accept one more question.
MK: {sigh} What is your one hope for the future, Mr. Kat?
BC: Excellent question!
MK: I'm SO surprised. 
{Silence}
MK: Are you going to answer the question?
BC: What question?
MK: {sigh} What is your one hope for the future, Mr. Kat?
BC: Erm ...
MK: {reading from the script} Perhaps, tasty whole chickens?
BC: I forgot to write my answer on my copy!
MK: Then just answer the question in real time! My copy says, "tasty whole chickens." And "silent thumbs."
BC: Eh. Those are as good as any. Time for my close up!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Get the camera!
MK: Oh for the ...
BC: Come closer! Closer!
{Pause}
BC: Too close!

BC: Oh, NEVER MIND!
{Silence}
BC: {AHEM!}.
MK: This is insert cool name of interviewer here, signing off. 
BC: RATS! 
MK: You didn't proof read all of this before we started?
BC: Why would I proof read? Proof reading is for people who make no sense the first time.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: You've reached Bear Cat Kat ... don't leave a message because I HATE YOU!
{Silence}
BC: RATS! BEEP!

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26 comments:

  1. Instead of a screen play Bear you could do a scream play!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, that shows around 3am when I'm on crazy pants ... I mean PATROL duty ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. BC, you such a handsome boy and you certainly do clean up well. You all have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  3. One might think that would be a small simple script. Nope, we can clearly see that thinking would be wrong. Wait a minute.... did you rip those ears off that mouse? BRAVO, Bear....er, Mr. Kat!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. {sigh} Yes, I did rip those ears off. You'd think my Momma would take that as a warning ... but no. You did remind me of something though. I never got to bow to applause! Next time ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. Mr Kat, you didn't sink those fangs and stuff into your momma's arm did you? That would be very naughty. No sossidge for you if you did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Err ... maybe? She doesn't mind {AHEM!!! ~Momma} ... err, much. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. What an innerview gawjus Bear. Now what's da reason fur it zactly? Are you makin' a movie, startin' a business, or hey, did you win da lottery? Looks like you found dat da big bear might make a comfy nappin' spot after all. Have fun. Big hugs fur you both. And don't bite your mommy so much, she needs those hands to feed ya' with. MOL We do think you deserve a chicken fur bein' innerviewed.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like your thinking! Well, except for the less biting part. Err ... the reason for the interview? I'm FABULOUS! EVERYONE wants to read about me, right? Well, they SHOULD anyway! ~Bear Cat

      Delete

  6. Mr. Kat , can we say, you conducted that interview beautifully?! You had both the questions and answers very well thought out . . .um, we didn't know your were so bossy, um, so well organized!! :p

    the critters in the cottage xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, I thought so too! Well, at least MY part. There's no help for my Momma. I like that ... "well organized" ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. Yeah, ESPECIALLY if there were lots and lots of pictures of her tortie gorgeousness!!! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. Great interview :) It really should be filmed too so we can all see your handsomeness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fantastic idea! Next time ... professional interviewer! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. You need to do the same thing to MK that you did to the shmousy toy since she mocks you. I like how she lets you bite her. TW won't look at me if I even take a little nip. Sheesh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She doesn't let me ... I just go for it. I'm a bit relentless in that she can do anything she wants to try to make me stop, but I'll just bite her somewhere else ;) She's taken to running as fast as she can and trying to close me out of a room to get me to stop. Hehehehe. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. Bear Cat, you definitely belong on camera....you are such a drama queen! LOL
    Jan & the crew at Wag 'n Woof Pets

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I SHOULD be! I'm WAY too handsome for Momma to keep me to herself! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  11. Your interview is proof 'pawsitive' I will never allow Sam to do a script for an interview. I'd probably wet myself snickering at his idea of how that'd go. For the record, I think the Mamma Kat held her own. Nice job you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! They definitely have minds of their own ;)

      Delete
  12. That's quite the interview! "Management of humans" - MOL! I better not tell my cats that's a thing!

    ReplyDelete