Friday, September 2, 2016

Raining on Bear's parade

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


Daily conversation - Raining on Bear's parade:
See Bear's advertisement for Tiagra (yesterday's post).

MK: Ummm ... Bear? Can we discuss this advertisement you created for Tiagra?
BC: Pretty cool, isn't it?
MK: I'm confused.
BC: Is that supposed to be news to me?
MK: Bear ...
BC: I just mean that you're human ... and as a cat, I'm a superior being. And you're AWFULLY clueless, even by human standards ...
MK: Right. Yeah, THANKS for that.
BC: Don't mention it.
MK: {sigh} Regardless ... what's a Q.S.?
BC: A medical degree for cats.
MK: What's it stand for?
BC: Quacksalver.
MK: Quack?
BC: You shouldn't quack. You're not a duck. You wouldn't want a cat to get confused and follow the maxim, "If it quacks like a duck, it tastes like a tasty whole duck."
MK: Who says that?
BC: Cats!
MK: Why am I NOT surprised?
BC: Because you're aware of our vast intelligence!
MK: Remember Meow McQuacky-Pants?
BC: What about ...
MK: Quack?
BC: STOP QUACKING! And I thought your regular VOICE was annoying! Sheesh.
MK: NO! What was the meaning of quack when you used it then?
BC: How am I supposed to know what a quack means?!?!?! If you hadn't noticed, I'm not a duck!
MK: {sigh} Great. Maybe you can explain why you're marketing the product toward male cats but warning against pregnancy and nursing?
BC: Well, female cats deserve to have long, luscious, curvaceous ... umm ... hmmm ... ooooh ...
MK: Bear?
BC: WHAT? I'm having a moment!
MK: Female cats?
BC: I like to chase tail.
MK: NO! You were saying female cats deserve long tails too.
BC: Oh. Yes, yes they do. BABY got NO LACK! 
I like long tails and I can not lie
You other bro-cats can't deny
When a girl cat walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a long thing in your face ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: What?
MK: Tiagra marketed to males ... pregnancy warning?
BC: I envisioned Tiagra as a unisex toy. Sex ploy? You know what I mean!
MK: No. No. I REALLY don't. 
BC: But of course, males have the most to gain. HEEEEEE-Y!
MK: Oh, my head. Owwww.
BC: Earlier, I whacked you pretty good in the head with my lengthened, toned, and BEEFED UP tail, didn't I?
MK: Not QUITE why I have a headache.
BC: But AT LEAST a contributing factor, right?
MK: {sigh} Sure.
{Pause}
MK: Do cats read?
BC: What does that have to do with anything? Or is that some existential question?
MK: Well, here in the warnings ... it says, "Before using ... read directions, cautions, and warnings carefully. If you do not understand these directions, cautions, and warnings, or cannot read, do not use TIAGRA."
BC: WHAT??! I CAN'T READ! 
MK: Exactly.
BC: Oh, so now you're MAKING FUN of my inability to read? If I can't read ... then I can't take Tiagra!!! I'M SCREWED!
MK: Why would you use Tiagra on your face?
BC: Is that an insult?
MK: No! There's another warning that says, "Do not use TIAGRA on any other part of your body ... including your face."
BC: WHAT?!?! My WHISKERS! They're going to fall out! I just know it!
MK: You used it on your whiskers? WHY?!?!?
BC: What do you mean WHY! I wanted to grow my whiskers into a goatee like The Boy!
MK: Oh, no, no. no, no, NO.
BC: Why do you keep telling me NO? You never tell The Boy NO!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: WHAT?! He asks you questions and you almost always say YES! Is it the goatee?

MK: Bear ... {sigh}. Never mind.
{Pause}
MK: Fish or rabbits?
BC: TASSSSSSSSSST-Y.
MK: No. Why would you need a warning against feeding Tiagra to fish or rabbits?
BC: You don't.
MK: And yet there is one.
BC: Oh, are you mocking me because I CAN'T READ again?!?!
MK: Bear ... how did you find these warnings?
BC: I copied and pasted random warnings I found!
MK: That explains a lot.
BC: What's THAT supposed to mean?
MK: Okay, yes. You dictated the beginning of the post to me and I typed it in ... but why did you add the warnings without having me read them to you?
BC: To be OFFICIAL! Medications need WARNINGS! And I didn't think you'd approve!
MK: Bear ... warnings don't mean anything if they don't apply!
BC: Well ...
MK: Since when do cats "drive a car or operate heavy machinery?"
BC: We DON'T! That's what YOU'RE for! We don't WORK!
MK: The commission of a felony?
BC: Why would somecat commission a felony? If we want to cause trouble, we do it ourselves! We don't HIRE someone.
MK: "TIAGRA does not enable the user to fly."
BC: Well, I think THAT'S obvious.
MK: And yet, it's a warning.
BC: You're making fun of me because I can't read! AGAIN!
MK: No ... I'm just trying to figure out where the heck these warnings came from!
BC: I told you!
MK: "TIAGRA was not tested on animals."
BC: That one is true.
MK: Then how do you know it works?
BC: Because I tested it myself! I'm not an ANIMAL ... I'm a CAT!
MK: {sigh} Of course.
BC: Cats are of a higher order. Then humans. Then ANIMALS.
MK: I still can't get over your assertion about tucking one's tail between his legs ... I mean, you've spent half your life with your tail tucked between your legs!
BC: YEAH! Because my tail isn't thick and long!
MK: It doesn't have to do with ... oh ... say FEAR? Of EVERYTHING?
BC: I'm not afraid of EVERYTHING! I school the spiders around here. My micey. My string. And just yesterday, my kitty was begging for mercy!
MK: {sigh} I'm sorry I asked.
BC: Hmph. You humans ... always with inane and never-ending questions!
MK: Well ... when things don't MAKE SENSE ...
BC: Sense? You just want to RAIN ON MY PARADE! I'm going to go sit in front of the bathroom mirror and wait for my whiskers and tail to grow. If my whiskers start falling out ... I'll need help STAT.
MK: But the warnings aren't REAL ... they're just copied and pasted without regard to ... {sigh} ... oh, never mind.
BC: FINALLY! Peace and quiet!

Pictures of the Day:


Featured posts of the day:

20 comments:

  1. Bwahaha! Your alternative lyrics for "Baby Got Back" are awesome, Bear Cat!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. If songs were written by cats to begin with, I wouldn't have to go around improving them! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Bear, you're swoon-fully handsome already. Why would you need Tiagra, too?

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  3. Hmmm, the law of probability says that at some point, someone, somewhere, will test every law you have stated on your Tiagra, and thus prove you totally right. I rest my case.... now if you happen to have any spare cream to put in it that would be wonderful. purrs ERin PS Goatees, do they spit like alpacas?

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    Replies
    1. I'll let you know when I get my Momma's goat ... ee. ;) ~Bear Cat

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  4. MOL ! You're a great advertiser ! Purrs

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    Replies
    1. Don't encourage him ... ~Momma
      ENCOURAGE ME!!! ENCOURAGE ME!!! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bwa! Haa!!! Haaa!!!!
    Snort! Guffaw!!!
    There is Coffee coming out Mommy's nose!
    Mes LOVES it when she laughs that hard!

    Kisses
    Nellie

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well now, we drive...mommy's wheelchair. But it's still heavy machinery and drivin'. While we might not could win a drag race it's only cuz they don't make those chairs to go fast enough. And of course, da battery wouldn't last long enough. But anyways, we drive. Well, right now me's da only one dat knows how. Mommy reall dreads teachin' Raena. Da girly gets into so much trubble as it is. We kinda hate to put a 500 pound killin' machine between her paws. We luv your packagin' but we think we'll keep our own floofy tails da way they are. Some mancats somewhere will eventually like us fur who we are, or we don't need 'em in da furst place. Ya' know Bear? We think you are handsum just da way you are. You don't need extra tail length to be gawjus. You just need to be you. Big hugs fur you and mommy. Have a great weekend.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We can't imagine Raena behind the "wheel." You ladies have gorgeous floofy tails! I was just trying to be an obnoxious male because I have street cred to uphold ... I don't really think those things ... just don't tell anyone that :) ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear, might I need Tiagra too? My tail is short and skinny :( --Mudpie

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    Replies
    1. I like your tail, Mudpie! You're a quality lady cat and I like looking in your eyes too :) ~Bear Cat

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  8. Replies
    1. I know!!! They totally cramp a cat's style! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Bear, we expect your mom has a headache all the time as she tries to sort out illogical conversations. You are such a character, and you always makes us laugh. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Being illogical and frustrating my Momma? Making people laugh? Sounds like my job is done :) ~Bear Cat

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  10. Well I sure hope your whiskers didn't start falling out! That Momma, always raining on your parade. Sheesh!

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    Replies
    1. I secretly think that's what Mommas are for ... raining on cats' parades!! ~Bear Cat

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