Wednesday, April 4, 2018

In session: The "Momma totally sucks," support group, part 1

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: {wandering around} Bear?!? Where are you?!? BEAR?!?!
BC: Just my luck ... she'll totally blow my cover! Figures. Stupid sisters!
EM: Bear?!? Are you hiding from me again?!?
{Pause}
EM: Are you in the closet?! The window?!? BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!
BC: She's going to ruin EVERYTHING!!! PSST!
EM: Where are you?
BC: {from under the sheet} PSST!

EM: What are you doing under there?!?
BC: I'm undercover.
EM: For what?!?
BC: Cool kids go undercover. I'm undercover.

EM: Yes, but you're not cool.
BC: {sigh} There are always haters. 

EM: Maybe if you weren't so totally obnoxious to everyone ...
BC: SHUT UP! Or I'll make you shut up when I come out. Come within paw's reach and find out for yourself!

EM: What are you trying to accomplish?
BC: Being undercover.
EM: You have no idea what "undercover" means, do you?
BC: Phht. I know it means I'm bad-a$$! Girls love a guy undercover! I'm under the sheet ... under cover. DUH!
EM: How can boys be so stupid?
BC: Besides, The Boy has taken an unhealthy interest in my poop. I'm watching to see what he's up to.

EM: He told Momma he wants to help out more around here - which is why he's responsible for our kibble bowls and the litter box.
BC: He doesn't do it right! Our bowls have never been so empty!
EM: Hmmm ... looks pretty full to ... {SNIFF SNIFF} ... hmm ... food! Smells good ... NOMNOMNOMNOM ...

BC: That girl can never turn down food!
{Pause as Ellie crunches some kibble}
BC: GROSS. But as I was saying ...
{Pause as Ellie continues crunching kibble}
BC: Are you listening to me?!?!
EM: Mmmmm ... hmmmm ... 
BC: And just the other day, he pushed a stinky poop to the non-stinky poop side of the litter box! He RUINED our litter box!
EM: HMPH. No. It was your stinky poop that ruined the litter box!
BC: You act like your poop doesn't stink! The Boy RUINED our litter box and you don't even care!
EM: Don't {CRUNCH} {CRUNCH} you think {CRUNCH} {CRUNCH} that's a {CRUNCH} {CRUNCH} bit {CRUNCH} {CRUNCH} dramatic?
BC: GROSS! First you slobber in my food and then you talk with your mouth full!
EM: {walking away from the food bowl} Yum.
BC: Did you leave any for me?
EM: Very funny.
BC: I won the litter box.
EM: Excuse me?!
BC: You're supposed to say, "I TWO the litter box!"
EM: Why?!?
BC: It's a joke! Just play along!
EM: Okay. I TWO the litter box!
BC: I THREE the litter box.
EM: Huh. You CAN count that high! I FOUR the litter box!
BC: I FIVE the litter box.
EM: I SIX the litter box.
BC: I SEVEN the litter box.
EM: I eight the litter ... wait a minute ...
BC: Hahahahahahahaha. You ATE the litter box. That just confirms that you really will eat anything!
EM: It's time for our meeting.
BC: What?!? OH! I almost forgot! Time waits for no man ...
{Pause}
BC: ... or cat.

BC: Call to order! The meeting of the, "Momma totally sucks anonymous," support group is in session!
EM: Momma sucks a non-E mouse?
BC: Exactly.
EM: Why would Momma suck a mouse? And what's a non-E mouse?
BC: {sigh} Do I have to explain everything to you?!
EM: You're the one that said it!
BC: NO! ANONYMOUS! It means withholding one's name.
EM: Like a secret?
BC: Wait a ... Anonymous?! I don't THINK so! We should go on record about the horrible things Momma does to us! No ANONYMOUS!
EM: You have a point.
BC: Technically, I have twenty-two points ... but who's counting when they're embedded in flesh? {AHEM!!!}
{Pause}
BC: Call to order! The meeting of the, "Momma totally sucks FOR THE RECORD," support group is in session.
{Pause}
BC: Time for our creed ...
{Pause}
BC: PSST!
EM: What?
BC: Bow your head! Show some respect!
EM: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRY!
BC: That's better. {AHEM}
{Pause}
BC: Holy Catnip ...
EM: {GASP} Thou shalt not take the name of thy God in vain ... you're on your own on judgment day!
BC: Phht. I'm judged in real time ... just ask Momma! Momma gets mad at me for jumping on the counter. 
EM: Well, you probably shouldn't jump up there. Something might happen to you and you might get hurt.
BC: I didn't know you cared.
EM: NUTS! NO! The thought of being an only ... and having Momma and Daddy all to myself ...
BC: {AHEM!}
EM: Please ... go ahead!
BC: Whose side are you on? Telling me no just like Momma? I thought we were being supportive!

EM: I am being supportive! {AHEM} You're really good at being a jerk!
BC: THANK YOU!
{Pause as Bear thinks}
BC: I think.
EM: I'd say, "don't let it go to your head," but I know it already has because your head is as fat as the rest of you.
BC: HEY! You have no right to call me fat! You're even fatter than I am!
EM: Shut up!
BC: You are the perfect princess ... but I get in trouble for everything around here! Momma's always yelling at me!
EM: In her defense, you're misbehaving most of the time! And I've never heard her yell.
BC: Being mean to you, scratching the couch and carpet, sticking my paw in the toaster, stealing food, waking her up ... come to think of it, all I hear is, "BEAR! BEAR! BEAR! BEAR! BEAR! BEAR! BEAR!" I'm ALWAYS in trouble! It's a good thing I like my name because she'd wear it out! Let's hold paws and sing camp songs!
EM: Except for when she calls you, "Ellie," by accident.
BC: {GASP} She DOES NOT!
EM: Yeah. She sometimes does.
BC: How utterly insulting! We look NOTHING alike! I'm not the size of a tank!
EM: Well, it isn't so great being mistaken for you either!
BC: I'm not as fat as you are!
EM: I'm not as ugly as you are! 
BC: You're all one color and don't have any stripes! Stripes are cool.
EM: Then why did you used to want to be a black cat?
BC: Phht. That was before I met you and I found out just how underwhelming being a black cat is! No, thanks! If I wanted to hang out with the not cool kids, I'd find The Boy.
EM: HEY! That's not ...
BC: Before I was RUDELY interrupted ... we were going to recite our creed. {AHEM!}

WHAT IS THE SUPPORT GROUP'S CREED?!? DO BEAR AND ELLIE GET ALONG LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE A PRODUCTIVE MEETING?!? TO BE CONTINUED FRIDAY ...

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52 comments:

  1. Sticking your paw in the toast - hey, that's my move! Great cats think alike. XOXOX, Rosie

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  2. Black cats rule, striped cats drool. Bear, are those racing stripes or prison stripes. ;) 😂

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    Replies
    1. Hehehehe. Pretty much! And those stripes make his butt look big too! ~Ellie Mae

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  3. 8 de liter box.....eye am gonna hafta text cuzin daiz N try thiz
    N hope eye start it rite sew herz de one eatin de box !!!!! thanx dood ! :)

    ellie; HA....if tuna sends that text I will start at minus one; fix
    his wagon I will; hugs from dai$y =^..*= ♥♥ ☺☺

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    Replies
    1. You should charge admission for this one!!! We'd pay!

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  4. We are totally down with joining the mom totally sucks support group. Ours sucks, and is a liar.

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    Replies
    1. NOOOOOOO! We get the lies around here too ... "I already fed you!" Yeah. Like 15 minutes ago!!! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Dexter likes to go undercover a lot here, too. And he's definitely a cool kid.

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    Replies
    1. For sure! Momma has a weakness for tabby/tuxies :)

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  6. Ohhhh are you CatIntelligentAgent or FelineBallisticInvestigator
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  7. Hmm being undercover isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.... for starters you can get squidged when the staff get in the bed unexpectedly. Never good after a session of doughnuts or Brussels sprouts!
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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    Replies
    1. I KNOW!!! For the past five years or so, I've stayed out from under the covers because of a certain traumatic experience .... ~Bear Cat

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  8. AMARULA: Bear what is this about your mom sometimes calling you by your sister's name!?? For shame! Give her a big chomp on the foot next time she does that! And I am gonna play that eight the litter box game with Zulu and Frodo!! Ha ha!

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    Replies
    1. Hehehehehehehe. That's one reason I love you, Amarula ... you're just as clever as I am (if not MORE). ~Bear Cat

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  9. You would make a good undercover agent, Bear. You look very sneaky under there.

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  10. Bear, when did you decide to be an undercover dude???

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    Replies
    1. Shortly after I came out of the closet ;) ~Bear Cat

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  11. Just remember Bear. Mom's come with thumbs, the better to open pantry doors and distribute foodables. But I do like your undercover look. Very tres chic in the cat world, I'm told. P.S. I wouldn't let Elsa comment because she's part of the sister's club-us boys gotta stick together.
    Your fur-iend,
    Sam 🐾

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    Replies
    1. Boys RULE! Well, except for when they blow up their own castles ... but that's another story entirely! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Okay, I'm meowing from experience here, Bear. Be VERY careful under that cover. Humans can be very clumsy when they get in bed. And it can be very scary.

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    Replies
    1. I KNOW!!! For the past five years or so, I've stayed out from under the covers because of a certain traumatic experience .... ~Bear Cat

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  13. You really did a great job of being undercover, BC. PS: we heard a rumor you are going to be a roadie!! We thought fur sure you'd insist on headlining.

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    Replies
    1. HUH?!?! ROADIE?!?! Oh, nonononono. I'm the main attraction! Maybe Ellie's the roadie?!?! Oh, wait ... I think Momma volunteered me for something ... another thing to add to our list of why Momma sucks! ~Bear Cat

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  14. A stinky poop on the non-stinky poop side of the litter box?!?!?! OH NO!!!! Mudpie would be horrified as she always uses the exact same spots in her box so she knows exactly where to step. MOL

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  15. Yo, Bear! Being undercover is very cool! I do it too so I know. Your litter box joke is hilarious!

    ~Pierrot

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    Replies
    1. Best used on sisters who get too big for their britches ;) ~Bear Cat

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  16. That's what we were wondering! The point of a support group is to support one another, and we're not sure these two are capable of that. :) Can't wait to find out!

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  17. We love that fifth photo of you Bear! You look extra handsome :)
    We would like to join the Mama Sucks Club. Our Number One complaint?! Too few meals. We get to eat twice a day . .. she gets to eat ALL the time right up to her bedtime!!! What a little porkie! And she says WE have to watch our weight??!!

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. That "D" word is evil! My Daddy says I'm getting really chunky ... well, excuse me! With his junk food, he has no room to talk! ~Ellie Mae

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  18. These two get along like water and fire...ne rains on the others parade and it is done so amusingly we just have to come back and see how they'll handle the next session together.
    Shoko and Jean

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    Replies
    1. I LOVE that! They DO rain on each others' parades!

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  19. Nope....I don't think there could be a productive meeting with these two, plus I see NOTHING your Mama does wrong! catchatwithcarenandcody

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  20. My cats want to join this support group. :) And they say you are lucky to have a nice bowl of food for you to go to whenever you want. We used to do that until Sammy and Joanie arrived-they will eat everything in sight and yack it up.

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    Replies
    1. Your kitties are welcome to the support group and the bowl of kibble!

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  21. Poor Bear! Mum says she knows how you feel about everyone blaming you.

    Purrs xx
    Athena

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  22. The Hubby has been on litterbox patrol since I crashed my hand, and the cats seem to be okay with his version of scooping, but I don't like it! I draw nice patterns in the litter when I'm done...he does not! Gee!

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha. I draw nice patterns sometimes too. Not that the cats care one way or the other :)

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  23. Ellie Mae, when Bear is undercover, sit on him!

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  24. Oh Bear, I know that YOU paw penned the original lyrics to that 'Hater' song that the T. Swifty Missy sings and has taken credit for. The world wants to see you in your own music video singing the song as it should be sang. Winks. -Valentine (& Mom) of Noir Kitty Mews

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  25. Bear, we are constantly calling Paisley by the dog's name and the dog by Paisley's name. They are both so insulted! You should just be glad your momma isn't calling you a dog :)

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  26. Wait, you mean that's not what undercover means? Mouses!

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    Replies
    1. I KNOW! I'm speechless! So what do the humans call being under cover?!? ~Bear Cat

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