Tuesday, March 6, 2018

His Royal Sharkiness

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: BEAR!
BC: Umm ... I didn't do it! 

{Pause}
BC: Err ... at least I don't think I did ...
{Pause}
BC: Nope. I bet Ellie did it!
{Pause}
BC: Then again, what do I care?! Whether I did it or not doesn't change anything. So yes. Maybe. What's the problem?
MK: {sigh} You didn't put a bumper sticker on your spaceship that says, "My Momma will beat up your Momma?"
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: Why would it be a trick ... you didn't put a bumper sticker on your spaceship that says, "My Momma will beat up your Momma?"
BC: Phht. Obviously NOT. Don't be ridiculous. Spaceships don't have bumpers! The sticker is just on the side of the spaceship!
MK: "My sister will sit on you!"
EM: HEY!!!!

BC: And you say you aren't a Smellie Neigh. Phht. You can't stop talking about hay!
EM: I'm NOT a Smellie Neigh! Apologize or I'll beat you up!
BC: Whatever. What are you going to do? SIT on me? Hahahahahaha.
EM: Don't tempt me. I'm not as fat as the cat on the sticker!
BC: Phht. I slimmed you down! You're welcome!
EM: HEY!
BC: Smellie Neigh ...
MK: Bear ...
EM: I've had just about enough of your @#$%! 
{Ellie whips out a bazooka}
BC: {GASP} I KNEW it! Momma's bazooka! That's COLD. C - O - L - D. And by my own Momma too! I. KNEW. SHE. HAD. A. BAZOOKA! I KNEW it! She kept telling me she didn't have one ... {GASP} ...
{Pause}
BC: IT'S A PRINCESS BAZOOKA! With SPARKLES!!!
EM: Have you known Momma to have anything to do with sparkles, princess-y things, or pink?
BC: Hmmm ... NOPE. {GASP}
{Pause}
BC: It's THE BOY'S bazooka!!! Don't protect him. I know it's his!
The Boy: HEY!
BC: I'm surrounded by horses! No wonder it smells like horses in here! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: Make that that I'm surrounded by horses' butts!
The Boy: I told you to tone it down!
MK: "My Momma will beat up your Momma," is toned down?
The Boy: The first one said, "My Momma will sit on your Momma! And she'll like it!"
MK: So he just divided the insult between two people.
EM: One person and one cat!
BC: Phht. There are enough insults to go around. BELIEVE ME!
MK: Bear ... don't threaten other people with Ellie and me. That's just not nice!
BC: Ellie this. You that. Ellie! You! Ellie! You! "Bear, stop biting me!" "Bear! Leave your sister alone!" "Bear, stop licking Ellie's butt!" It's all about you and Ellie!
MK: This from the furry terrorist who makes everyone's lives miserable when he doesn't get his way.
BC: Phht. I'm Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest. It SHOULD be Bear 24/7.
MK: Bear, it's not really that scary for other people when you threaten them with other people.
EM: Or cats!
BC: None of you would understand. You're all sissy patsies.
MK: This from the cat that spends much of his time under the bed and claimed his sister and I would "take care" of any foes. That's just not scary to say, "My Momma will beat up ..."
BC: Of course it is! 
{Dramatic pause}
BC: A ... you're telling the opponent that you have people to take care of the peasants. It's like saying, "You have to get through two people to get to me! I DARE you!" 
{Dramatic pause}
BC: And B ... by the time the opponent finishes off you and Ellie, I'll be long gone. Safe and sound ... and ready to pound ... 
MK: If you have Ellie and I fight your battles, how would you be ready to pound?
BC: I mean pound you two if you don't do what I tell you to. I still have that tank, you know! 
{Pause}
BC: On second thought, I'll preemptively get it out here to keep the natives in line.
{Bear runs off and comes back driving the tank to the middle of the room}
BC: I dare you! Make my day!
MK: What the ... you added a sticker! "Get the @#$% out of the way."
BC: You're a smart one, aren't you?
MK: Using profanity isn't necessary.
BC: Phht. It indicates the status of the command. "Get out of my way," is several notches down in the threat scale than "Get the @#$% out of the way." Using expletives makes it sound more credible and dire.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Phht. Do I offend your delicate sensitivities?
The Boy: Your Momma can curse like a sailor with the best of them.
EM: Hahahaha. But sailors don't have anything on Bear when he’s getting his claws clipped. He’s created an entire pissed-off-cat language.
The Boy: That is true! Hahahaha.
BC: Don't try this at home ... leave the expletives to the pros.
The Boy: What exactly are you a pro at Bear? Threatening other people? Eating? Sleeping? Pooping? Doing whatever you want?
BC: You're clearly jealous! Don't fret. Some people and cats just aren't cut out to be bad-@$$es.
MK: Bear ...
BC: You know what I think of when I think "bad-@$$?"
The Boy: You're going to tell us even if we say "no," right?
MK: {sigh} What?
BC: Poetry.
MK: What the heck does being a bad-@$$ have to do with poetry?
BC: It's like being a Male Princess. Only the most secure in their masculinity will call themselves a Male Princess. Similarly, only one secure in his masculinity would create poetry.
The Boy: Or you couldn't and just say you did.
BC: {GASP} I feel a poem coming on!
The Boy: Maybe you just have gas.
BC: Dumb like an ox,
Your wits so few.
You might be my sister,
But I HATE YOU!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Nonono! {AHEM}
Dumb like an ox,
Built like one too.
You might be my sister,
But I HATE YOU!
EM: Well, THAT'S not very ...
BC: Oh! I like the built like an ox part ... hmm ...
Built like an ox,
Annoying too.
You're my sister,
But I HATE YOU!
MK: BEAR! Stop being mean to Ellie!
BC: SEE?!?! Ellie this and Ellie that! I should pack my bags and leave. You wouldn't even notice.
The Boy: Well, THAT'S obviously not true. I mean, we'd notice your absence when no cat is ripping the furniture, or sitting on the counter, or playing, "I'm the shark," and there wouldn't be barf on my pillow for once ...
MK: Or waking me up for attention ... either by sitting an inch from my face and staring at me or by sticking your wet nose in my ear ...
EM: I'd notice too! I wouldn't have to wait in line for anyone's lap! Heck. I'LL pack your bags FOR you!
BC: See what I have to put up with?!  You all pick on me! I hate all of you!
EM: You forgot the facial tissue box ... and the paper towel roll ... and the stack of papers ...
BC: YEAH! They all mock me too! I command respect!
EM: Or your Momma will beat them up? Or I'll sit on them?
BC: Shut up, Smellie. No one asked you!
EM: You're combative, contentious, bellicose. quarrelsome, pugnacious, indignant, cantakerous ...
BC: Handsome ... relentless ... cutthroat ...
EM: Full of yourself ...
BC: Is that a dig at my weight?
EM: No. Don't be ridiculous, there's no shovel large enough in the world to dig your $#!+!
BC: AHA! That's right! No shovel is a match for me!
EM: Even if I were joking about your weight ... who would take care of it? I mean, if Momma and I are the targets - who will fire the first shot?
The Boy: Don't even think about it, Bear! Like I'd forget your stints as a shark or the vomit on my pillow every night. 
BC: Hehehehe. I AM getting pretty good at that aren't I?
The Boy: Which one?
BC: Well, BOTH obviously - if they're unforgettable!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... I mean I didn't do  ... RATS! I can't even say that with a straight face! Sheesh! You humans really carry around and marinate in your grudges, don't you?
MK: That's ridiculous. We ALL put up with your sharkiness and bad attitude - and we hardly ever complain
BC: "Sharkiness" ... I love that! "You know that Bear, with his royal sharkiness."
MK: Great.
BC: NO! Even better, you all can address me as "His Royal Sharkiness."
The Boy: {mumbling under his breath} Your sharkiness isn't that only thing that's royal.
BC: Finally! You acknowledge my rule as Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest! I knew it was only a matter of ...
EM: Shut up.
{Pointing the Princess bazooka at Bear again}
BC: How rude! You're pointing MY bazooka at me! That's just cruel and unusual!
EM: I'm so tired of listening to your nonsense!
BC: That's so mean! Momma?!? Tell Ellie to shut up!
MK: Come here, Bear.
BC: Oooh! Is it time for our 4:39pm cuddle?!?!
EM: Barf.
The Boy: I'm starting to think she's an enabler. You want to know how Bear became so much bear?!? His Momma loving him no matter what.
EM: Yeah. She's an enabler.
The Boy: And she even thinks he's cute!
EM: I know ... RIGHT?!?!

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54 comments:

  1. Bear, you are such a sweet guy no matter how hard you try to hide it!

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  2. Ooh! A princess bazooka! You show 'im, Ellie Mae. :)

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  3. Ellie Mae, blast Bear into next week and take over his tank.

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  4. See I met the Mama, and I didn't get that bit at all. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Multiple personalities?! Just sayin'. ~Bear Cat

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  5. "You're combative, contentious, bellicose. quarrelsome, pugnacious, indignant, cantankerous...", whoa, good thesaurus use, Ellie! Try ornery, nasty, unfriendly, onerous, troublesome too!

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    Replies
    1. OOOOH! I like those words too! ~Ellie Mae

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    2. Sigh. Ellie has been staying up late reading her momma’s thesaurus......again.

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  6. Tensions are high in the Bear household, you all need to dial it down. In fact whilst you dialling it, you could order a pizza and some tasty doughnuts and sugar and chocolate coated chickens... hmm, maybe I got the last two mixed up? Anyways a good meal sorts many things.... or you can have a cuddle and forget all about it and start fresh in the morning!
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Wait wait WAIT! You can order doughnuts for delivery?! Don't tell Momma! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Poor Bear!

    That's why I love being an only cat :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena

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  8. guyz....we dunno which iz better...ellie witha bazooka ore bear with a spaceship tanker
    with @#$% on it !!!!!!!!! ☺☺♥♥

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  9. I love the portrait close-up pictures of you two! They're really gorgeous!

    Ellie, the lady things all gals, kitty & human, should have a sparkly bazooka.

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  10. Ok, we know that any post that mentions "shark" is gonna get real ... For someone!

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  11. At first we thought this said, "His Royal Snarkiness," which would be totally appropriate. We were going to tell you Bear that you are Bad @$$, but since you claimed that for yourself, we'll just say you are an @SS. Momma's always love their first 'born" best, especially if they are a boy. Sorry Ellie. Tell Momma that if she had seen Misty May and Astrid in the SleepyPod, she better start looking for Jesus, 'cause the world would be ending soon! XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

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    Replies
    1. My Momma misread her own post too - snarkiness is equally appropriate :)

      Delete
  12. Hey, Bear? We think you should charge brands to advertise on your Sleepypod just like the stickers on NASCAR race cars :)

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    Replies
    1. DUDE! I could use the money to get my tasty whole chicken farm :)

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  13. Bear, my Mom and I are on YOUR SIDE completely. Sorry but you were there FIRST!!! We love you Bear and we always will! We don't think those mean words that were used to describe you, fit you AT ALL! Love Mom and Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

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  14. Ah....perhaps they've just gotten to the bottom of it all?? Well, it only makes sense, since Bear and Momma started it all! ♥

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    Replies
    1. Bear and Momma cause all the problems around here! ~Ellie Mae

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  15. Where can I get one of those princess bazookas, Ellie Mae? ~Zoey

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  16. Boy, Bear Cat is cute and so is Ellie Mae....couldn't keep my eyes off Bear Cat. He's got a mouth! Whoa, but Ellie Mae is no slouch either. She seems to be giving it right back to that big ole Bear Cat.

    Shoko

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  17. One of these days, Bear...one of these days.😼

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    Replies
    1. I'll get my tasty whole chicken farm? ~Bear Cat

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  18. Cuddling the Shark with all his sharkiness. We think Ellie ought to have that crown will all that she has to put up with!

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    Replies
    1. But Ellie's not really a princess like I am! ~Bear Cat

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  19. AMARULA: Bear!! It's always Bear 24/7 in my heart! And I always think of you as Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest!!

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    Replies
    1. Awww. You're a quality woman, Amarula. And beautiful too! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Bear, I think you should start a business- bumper stickers for PTU's. :)

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    Replies
    1. As long as I can make enough money for a tasty whole chicken farm ... ~Bear Cat

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  21. Bear, you're quite the mean poet. But I know deep down - deep, deep, way down - you love Ellie.

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    Replies
    1. So deep ... it's in my colon ;) ~Bear Cat

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    2. Oh Ellie, that bazooka you have there is so-o COOL and the pink is so-o YOU! But since it says, "Princess" on it and it has "sparkles," are you sure it isn't Bears?! And maybe the spaceship is truly YOURS and not his. Tee hee hee!

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    3. Momma gave it to ME! Err ... I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that. ~Ellie Mae

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  22. "His Royal Sharkiness?" Bear, do you know what this means? YOU'VE GOT A TITLE! This is what every cat DREAMS of havin'. Best thing ever, for sure. Well other than nip, of course, 'cause NOTHIN' beats the nip, and... I just had a thought! I bet your title comes with free nip! SCORE! You've got it made, my friend, and that is for sure. purrs

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    Replies
    1. I suppose His Royal Sharkiness is better than what they WERE calling me ... ~Bear Cat

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  23. MeOW What pawsum fotos. Ya'll be lookin' so gawjus, Bear and Ellie. And yes, we mean both of ya'. There's purrlenty of compliments to go 'round. As fur the bad language, ya' know, it doesn't make anythin' sound more dire and fur sure it doesn't sound smarter. Mommy heard once that only the uneducated use such profanities bux they didn't have the verbal or language skills to make a point any other way. Now c'mon, Bear, we know you're purrlenty smart and so are you sweet Ellie. No nee fur either of ya' to be usin' such purrfanities. Big hugs fur all

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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