Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: Suitcase? SUITCASE?!?! SUITCASE!!!
{Pause}
BC: Momma … packing?!?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a … only ONE suitcase?!?

{Pause}
BC: YOU’RE LEAVING ME WITH DWEEBLE DUMB AND DWEEBLE DUMBER?!?!  I don’t THINK so. Nope. Not gonna happen. If there’s not room for me in that suitcase, you’re really going to be sorry!
MK: You want to come along in my suitcase?!? COOL! My niece and nephew would LOVE to play with you!
BC: Umm … that suitcase looks a little … err … SMALL.
EM: Need a shoe horn, fatso?
BC: I’ll have you know that I could fit if I wanted to! I just don’t want to.

MK: You’d rather stay with …
BC: DWEEBLE DUMB AND DWEEBLE DUMBER!
MK: So now you’ve decided staying with them is better than coming long?
BC: Is that a trick question?
EM: Come on, Bear … admit it. You LIKE us.
BC: Phht. HARDLY.
MK: So you’re not insulted to be left with …
BC: DWEEBLE DUMB AND DWEEBLE DUMBER!
EM: We’re not that bad! I saw The Boy giving you back scratches earlier today.
BC: You missed the part where I hissed at him. TWICE. And quite ferociously too! No one touches ME except my Momma. MY Momma.
EM: You’re all hiss and vinegar on the outside … but a big ‘ole softy on the inside.
BC: “Softy?” Are you calling me fat again?!?!
EM: No. I WASN’T calling you fat … but now that you mention it …
BC: {ignoring Ellie} Wait a … you’re going to the Strait of Whole Tasty Chickens! Or the Grand Tuna Canyon?!?! Giblets?
EM: Just in case our readers don’t know … you eat as much as you talk about food.
BC: SHUT UP, SMELLY ELLIE!

EM: Your poop smells just as much as mine!
BC: Do you have to share a litter box with yourself?
EM: Ummm …
BC: IT MADE MORE SENSE IN MY HEAD!!!
MK: Giblets?
BC: Isn’t that what the country is called?
MK: Like turkey gib … oh. You’re talking about the COUNTRY of Turkey.
BC: If that’s where giblets come from, why didn’t they name the country Giblets?
MK: Because the whole turkey comes from there ... not just the gib ... no, wait a minute. {sigh} Turkeys don't actually come from there! I always get caught up in your nonsense.
EM: One word … FOOD.
BC: What else matters?

EM: As I was saying …
MK: Bear, I’ll be gone for less than forty-eight hours.
BC: A trip to the spa?!? 
EM: I might be the new kid around here, but even I know she wouldn’t do that.
BC: Take me! Take me! Just NOT in the suitcase.
MK: I give you a regular facial … mani and pedi … brush out … and let’s just say you don’t appreciate them.
BC: You mean I HATE them! But a mud bath … and … umm … a … I’m down with a mud bath!
MK: As I unfortunately already know …
EM: Boys are gross.
MK: Bear, I already told you I'm visiting my niece and nephew.
BC: I guess they are more important than ME!
MK: Bear, you see me every day ... all day ...
BC: Well, when you put it like that ... I MIGHT need a vacation ...
{Bear pauses to think}
BC: Nah. ARGGGG!!!

MK: Bear! Let go! It's not nice to bite me!
BC: {stopping biting for long enough to talk} It's not nice to leave me with ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... why didn't you scream in pain when I bit you?
{Pause}
BC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Sweatshirt season again! I HATE sweatshirt season. I WILL make you feel my furry fury ... ARG!

{Bear bites Momma again}
BC: Damn sweatshirt season! Maybe if I move my head a little ... no. This way? Change the angle a bit?!?! 
{Pause}
BC: {huffing and puffing ... out of breath} RATS! Who ... knew ... biting ... so ... ... strenuous ...
EM: Figures. The only exercise Bear gets is biting.
BC: I ... beat ... YOU ... up ...
EM: No, I just let you think you're the fat and mean wolf.
BC: You mean, BIG BAD wolf?
EM: Nope.
BC: You really tick me off sometimes.
EM: What are you going to do, bite me?
BC: Oh, SHUT UP, ELLIE!
{Bear huffs and puffs a few more times}
BC: I QUIT!
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! I QUIT! Go snuggle with DWEEBLE DUMB or DWEEBLE DUMBER! I'm running away. 

MK: So you're not going to say good-bye to me?
BC: WHAT?!?! You're leaving RIGHT NOW?!?! NO! I'm never talking to you again!
{Bear hides under the cat tree}

MK: Come on, Bear. I love you.
{Silence}
MK: Bear, you're my favorite. For years, all we had was each other ... and as much as I love Ellie and The Boy, I kind of miss that some times. 
{Silence}
MK: Okay. I'm already late.
{Momma says goodbye to The Boy and Ellie}
MK: Last chance, Bear!
{Silence}
MK: I'll see you in a day and a half, Bug.
{Momma closes the door}
BC: {coming out of the corner} Phht. She could've AT LEAST said goodbye!
EM: She did!
BC: No. She didn't. She was supposed to chase me out from the corner and cuddle me!
EM: Now I get why Momma sometimes says she could use a stiff drink around you.
{Fast forward a day and a half}
{Momma walks in the front door}
MK: Hey.
The Boy: What's wrong?
MK: Eh. I'm just tired.
The Boy: Come here.
MK: How were the kitties?
The Boy: Good. 
EM: {jumping off the loveseat where she was sleeping} YOUR LAP IS TAKEN, Daddy!
MK: She sure knows how to give me a dirty look.
EM: That's MY lap, Momma! Find your own!
The Boy: I'm surprised Bear didn't run out here when he heard your voice. He's been hissing at me.
MK: Bear?!?! Where's Momma's handsome boy?
BC: {walking into the room} Is all the PDG over?

MK: The what? 
BC: Pretty disgusting gross-ness.
MK: A hug?
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! MIND BLEACH! I NEED MIND BLEACH!
The Boy: He loves his Momma. That's why he came when you called him.
BC: Phht. I didn't hear her call me! I'm not a dog - too dimwitted to think for myself! I only came out for ... err ... umm ... my wet food treat? 
EM: {snickering} Food again?
BC: Momma, we almost STARVED! We didn't get a wet food treat last night! It's a miracle I'm still alive!

MK: Poor Bear. No wet food treat?!? How did you survive?
BC: I don't know! It was close and ...
EM: {snickering again} She was being sarcastic.
BC: Shut up, Ellie! You wanted a wet food treat too.
EM: Yeah. But Momma's and our wet food treat's absence also meant that we didn't get brushed, our teeth brushed, or your chin washed. 
BC: Hmmm ... {to Momma} Too bad you're home.
MK: Wet food treat?
BC: This is the best day EVER! I'm so glad you're home, Momma! I missed you!
The Boy: You jumped in my lap last night, Bear.
EM: I can confirm that! I went to MY Daddy's lap and it was TAKEN with FATSO here!
BC: Well, SOMECAT had to ensure we got a wet food treat. He was just too stupid to get that he should feed us in exchange for letting him pet me.
The Boy: Your kibble bowls were full!
MK: True. He left your bowls overflowing!
BC: Phht. Next time The Boy grabs a box of Cheez-its or a candy bar, I'm going to tell him his dinner plate was overflowing.

The Boy: He's kind of got a point ...
BC: We should get THREE wet food treats tonight! One for last night ... and two to make up for DWEEBLE DUMBER thinking he was in charge.
EM: So I'm not DWEEBLE DUMBER? I'm Dweeble Dumb? That's the nicest thing you've said to me, Bear!
The Boy: I WAS in charge!
EM: Hmmm ... I love you, Daddy ... but that statement kind of belies Bear's point. We're cats! We're in charge, OBVIOUSLY.
The Boy: HEY! Bear was PURRING in my lap. 
BC: I WAS NOT.
The Boy: Yes, you were.
BC: It was all part of the con. 
The Boy: I don't think so.
BC: Did you tell Momma about the naked girls running around? HUH? How about that you slept in the laundry basket because you were too drunk to make it to the bed.
The Boy: THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN! 
{Pause}
The Boy: Well, not MOST of it, anyway.
EM: There weren't any naked girls.
The Boy: I can't believe you told on me!
BC: I could say the same thing about you.

MK: Bear, I already know he had a few beers. Heck. More than a few times I've considered a couple stiff drinks after dealing with you. You can be ...
The Boy: DIFFICULT!
EM: FAT!
MK: "Special."
{Bear looks around} 

BC: I hate ALL of you!
MK: Wet food treat?
BC: I love you, Momma! 
MK: I love you ... 
BC: But I reserve the right to hate you AFTER my wet food treat.

EM: Moron. Like I said ... FOOD OBSESSED. 
BC: Don't you have anything better to do?
EM: No. Momma's still on Daddy's lap! 
BC: This SUCKS! DWEEBLE DUMB AND DWEEBLE DUMBER ruin EVERYTHING!

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46 comments:

  1. Bear, you and The POM appear to have a lot in common! You lurv your mommas, but really only tolerate anyone else.

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  2. Nothing wrong with being obsessed with food, it's when your food eats you that you have to worry MOL
    Now as to the Boy, I do hope he didn't get any fur in the laundry basket, that just wouldn't do at all!
    Toodle pip and purrs
    ERin

    PS These dancing girls, was there nip involved?

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  3. dood...next time yur mom goes ta de grand tuna canyon pleez let uz noe;
    we will all hitch a ride a long.....N we dunno wear her lurned her time
    travelin skillsz but they iz amazin !!!! like at 4;38 we waz reedin her waz
    goin out de door N at like 4;42 her waz all reddy home !!!! AWESUM....
    ♥♥♥☺☺

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. She can't stay away from me very long! I'm THAT fantastic! ~Bear Cat

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  4. AMARULA: Bear, they say they same thing about me "You’re all hiss and vinegar on the outside … but a big ‘ole softy on the inside." But we know it's not true! Let me know if you need me to come over and pee on your mom's suitcase--I'll start drinking extra water now!

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    Replies
    1. I'd pee on Frodo any time! Then again, on second thought ... maybe we can put Frodo in Momma's suitcase and then we'll be rid of both of them! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear is indeed "special." Dweedle Dumb and Dweedle Dumber cracked us up. MK definitely deserved a short vacation. You exhaust us just by reading about your antics! XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    Replies
    1. We ***ALMOST*** feel sorry for Momma! ~Ellie Mae and Bear Cat

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  6. Ohhhhh Bear and Ellie I brake for food too!!
    Love the title of your post today we giggled
    Hugs madi and mom

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  7. I love food too, Bear. A lot! You're lucky MK wasn't gone very long. We hope she had a nice time on her visit. We also know you missed her. :) Sorry you were stuck with Dweedle Dumb and Dweedle Dumber, MOL!

    Purrs,
    Annie

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    Replies
    1. Food and loves are the best parts of kitty life! ~Bear Cat

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  8. Goodness, you two are forming a team over there! Yeah, we noticed. *wink*

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  9. She left you alone???!!! You poor babies! But naked girls and drunkenness...sounds like you know how to get The Boy in trouble MOL!

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    Replies
    1. I've got a whole list!!! It took a lot of time on the internet to come up with them! ~Bear Cat

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  10. We can't even begin to imagine why Momma wanted to go away for a day or two. Or maybe we can. LOL

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    Replies
    1. I feel sorry for Momma! Dealing with all of Ellie's nonsense must be hard! ~Bear Cat

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  11. I'm glad you survived and glad she is back. Next time the boy has some Cheez-its - you might want to grab some! They are pretty good. We like to steal them from the little girl in our house.

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    Replies
    1. Steal or does she share?!?! I hear little ones can be more generous than the adults. Unfortunately, we'll never know! ~Bear Cat

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  12. MOL We were beginnin' to worry dat we totally got your abbreviations Bear. We thought PDG stood fur public display of gropiness. Sorry your mommy left you all alone, and you didn't even get your wet food treat. 'Course, we don't actually get treats every day either, so we're kind'a feelin' sorry fur ourselves at da moment too. MOL We're glad your mommy made it home safe and you're all together again. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. We're {MOSTLY} glad she's home ;) ~Ellie Mae and Bear Cat

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  13. Bear, you can come stay with us. We have lots of food and a tortie :)

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  14. Oh, I'm so glad you two survived with your momma gone. It was a close call, right? And Bear, foiled again by sweatshirt season! MOL! You could tell your momma to move to Southern California. Over 100 degrees today. No sweatshirts in sight!

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    Replies
    1. I'll get on that! Do you know of any tasty whole chicken farms around?! Maybe a tortie brothel?! Asking for a friend of course! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Maybe you should have had some naked torties over, Bear?

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  16. Wow, left all alone for days and days and days??? How could she ?

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    Replies
    1. Well, we were left with THE BOY ... pretty much the same thing! ~Bear Cat

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  17. How could she abandon you ? We're glad you survived ! Purrs

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    Replies
    1. Well, we were left with THE BOY ... pretty much the same thing! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Playing hard to get should up the wet food treats. Glad you managed to survive in your mom's absence. It's a scary world out there when the mom leaves.

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    Replies
    1. Playing hard to get sounds like work. I prefer not to work for my supper! ~Bear Cat

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  19. Replies
    1. I knew I was always meant to be a leader among cats! ~Bear Cat
      He's full of crap. ~Ellie Mae

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  20. Bear, you are inflexible at times! ;p

    We are happy to hear your Mama had a little getaway. We hope your Mama had fun with her niece and nephew. Can we say (in a whisper of course) that deep down, it appears you and Ellie May are actually getting along rather nicely? ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. I'm plenty flexible ... when I get my way! ;) ~Bear Cat

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  21. We're so glad you survived without Momma! Bear, instead of naked ladies, what about naked torties and tasty whole chickens?

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  22. Bear, I would check your momma's luggage thoroughly 'cause maybe, just maybe she brought a whole chicken back for you! That would make her leaving you a little more forgivable, right? Tee hee hee!

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    Replies
    1. I don't go anywhere NEAR that cesspool of evility! For all I know, there are MONSTERS in there! Or VETS! ~Bear Cat

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  23. PS, you in the meer kat photo is purr-iceless, Bear! Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for noticing how handsome I am ;) ~Bear Cat

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