Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Injustice and the [not so great] Momma Kat way

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: {scratching the couch} Do de do ... la de da ... take THIS! And THAT! No one talks to me that way! 


EM: {walking into the room} You DO know that you have scratching posts for that, right?
BC: Scratching posts are only for suckers. That's where we're SUPPOSED to scratch. Granted, they make scratching more rewarding in the sense of the deed itself ... but one can't minimize the rewards from sticking it to the humans and showing we have minds of our own.
EM: So you'd rather scratch in a place that's less satisfying to scratch, just because you'll have the satisfaction of annoying the humans?
BC: We're CATS! If they wanted unconditional devotion and obedience, they'd have gotten a dog. They chose us though ... so that means we'd disappoint them if we didn't act like cats.
EM: That ALMOST makes sense. Granted, it still sounds dumb ... but you might have a point.
BC: I have TWENTY-TWO points. Meet my little friends.
EM: Uh ... no thanks. We're already acquainted. 
BC: That doesn't stop you from waving your tail in everyone's face. "Look at how long and bushy my tail is!!! Look at how sexy my tail is!" Like you're the only one with a tail around here!
EM: If your tail looked like mine, you'd be proud too! SEE?!? Isn't it gorgeous?!?

BC: By virtue of being a male princess, my tail commands respect.
EM: I don't know why Momma puts up with that male princess nonsense. 
BC: NONSENSE?! I'm not nonsense. You're nonsense!
EM: You're NOT a princess! You just act like one. You act like you're all that and a case of tuna. A total diva. When you're not happy, no one's happy.
BC: HEY! I'm TOTALLY flexible as long as everything is MY way!
EM: Annoying diva. But male princess?!? Oxymoron. 
BC: I'm not an oxen moron! You're a yak ... yak ... err ... yak-ass!
EM: That's not what oxymoron means!
BC: I'm not stupid! You're the yak-ass! You just want to insult me and get away with it! Bison goon! Horse idiot! Half-wit dimwit! Chump boob!
EM: I'd ask if you ever listen to yourself ... but given that none of us listen to you, I think that's a moot point.
BC: Wait a ... is that the PANTRY opening?!?! Our treats are in the pantry!
{Bear runs to the pantry}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! What are you doing?
MK: Cleaning out the pantry.

BC: Do I get treats?!?!
MK: No.
BC: Just slip me a few ... Smellie doesn't have to know! HEY! Why are you putting the treats in a bag?
MK: They're expired. 
BC: EXPIRED?! You mean DEAD?! My treats DIED?!? I knew it!  You've been neglecting the treats!
MK: {sigh} No. Expired means that they're WAY past their best by date.
BC: HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN?!?! Wait a ... 
{Pause}
BC: That's the TRASH bag! You can't put my treats in the trash!

MK: I'm clearing out the pantry of anything that's expired.
BC: But these are perfectly good treats! 
MK: There's plenty of treats that aren't expired!
BC: Then why aren't you giving me any?!? If you hadn't been so miserly with the treats, they never would've expired!
EM: He's always a couple steps behind.
BC: Shut up!
MK: Bear, we need to watch your weight. I'm not going to give you extra treats just so I don't have to throw them away.
BC: I knew it! You're crazy! That makes no sense! Why aren't you throwing away the finger tooth brushes?!? HUH?!? Aren't THEY expired?
MK: No. They're still fine.
BC: I'll never have treats again! I need reinforcements!

{Pause}
BC: SMELLIE!!! Momma's throwing away our treats!!! And keeping the finger toothbrushes! Come quick! We need to demand justice!!!

EM: Well, if they don't taste good anymore ... 
BC: TRAITOR!!! Whose side are you on?
EM: The side that makes the most sense. Why would you want to eat treats that aren't good anymore?!? 
BC: Hmmm ... non-good treats are kind of like us eating our kibble. NOT real food.
EM: Momma, can we have treats?!?
BC: {walking back into the kitchen} HEY! She already told me no! You think she's going to give YOU treats?!?!
{The cats just sit there and stare at Momma}
MK: We've got several bags open - apparently I didn't know there were bags already open. Okay. I'll give you two this bag.
{Momma struggles with the bag for a little while ... then the bag explodes and treats go everywhere ...}
BC: Nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomn ... snorfle ... nomnomnomnom ... JACKPOT!
EM: Nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom ...
MK: @#$% it!
EM: Don't cry over spilled treats, Momma!
BC: Remind me to write down the bad word Momma said. A cat is always in need of new curse words with the kind of help we get around here.
{Pause as Bear surveys the treats all over the place}
BC: This is THE BEST DAY EVER!
EM: You said that yesterday.
BC: Who asked you? 
{The cats continue to chow down}
{Ten minutes pass ...}
BC: {rolling on his back} Ooooooooooooooh. My belly hurts! Too ... many ... {GROAN} ... treats!
EM: {reaching out with her paw to take Bear's temperature} What did you just say?!?! You MUST have a fever!
BC: STOP TOUCHING ME!
EM: You said you had too many treats!
BC: No, I didn't!

EM: Yes,  you did!
BC: I've had too much of you! I'm going to ...
{Ellie reaches out to whap Bear} 
BC: What's wrong with you?!?! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I have important business to attend to!
{Bear walks to his water bowl}
BC: {GASP!!!} NO! I'm NOT sharing MY water bowl with this heathen beauty accessory! It's clearly not very bright.
{Pause}
BC: Hmmmm ... if a beauty accessory is used by someone that looks like Momma ... does that make it an un-beauty accessory? Momma?!? MommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMA! Someone is in my water bowl!
MK: {coming into the room} What? What's wrong?
BC: LOOK at my water bowl!
MK: How did ... ooooh. I did the laundry today. I shook out the clean sheets at the bottom of the bed and I guess this fell out of them.
BC: We should re-name our house the house of iniquity. Just earlier today, I walked into the family room to find Ellie laying on The Boy's underwear.  Now I ask you ... how did The Boy's underwear get there ... and why was Ellie laying on it? Did he streak through the house and shed his underwear? Was there an underwear rodeo?
{Pause}
BC: Do you know what The Boy said when she yawned? "I think I found the sock I've been missing." The Boy's been missing a sock?!  And where did he find it? And what does that have to do with Smellie and her big mouth?
BC: I'm surrounded by ignorance, incompetence, wickedness, and immorality! I'm mistreated. "You only get one sister," you said. Then Kitty died and BOOM! Later, I got ANOTHER sister! Sisters SUCK! I hate sharing!
MK: Interesting. I could've sworn that when I came out this morning, I saw you two hanging out ...
BC: It was cold! Besides, I didn't even know you were up! 
MK: Not that I'm complaining. Because yesterday morning, I came out to find you lounging in Ellie's bed just because she clearly wanted it. Just like the day before, you jumped in my lap first so Ellie couldn't.
BC: That's not all I have to put up with either! You sing in the shower and The Boy talks to himself. You wanted to goose-nap a bunch of goslings earlier this year ... not for food, mind you ... but to care for. Now you and The Boy are getting married "FOREVER" which seems like an "EVER" too long. I'm REALLY tired of finding all the sparkles from Ellie's sparkle balls in my fur. And you told me I couldn't wear a chicken costume for Halloween! I thought it was the perfect way to fool a flock of chickens into convincing them I'm one of them ... then WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER! 
MK: And how exactly were you going to convert live chickens into a chicken dinner? I think it involves some cleaning and cooking.
BC: That's the woman's job. You have the bazooka, right? The Boy said women cook and clean. Might as well be chickens! 
EM: My Daddy never said that! You're just trying to get him in trouble!
BC: Dweebles stick together, right?

{Pause}
BC: But anyway, I wasn't finished with the list of injustices, wickedness, and ... and ... oh, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
{Pause}
BC: AHEM ...Earlier today, I heard you singing while you were folding laundry ...
MK: Hey! I was proud of that song ...
{Pause}
MK: Momma has a handsome boy,
Handsome boy, handsome boy.
Momma has a handsome boy,
His fur is striped black and gray. 
Everywhere that Momma goes,
Momma goes, Momma goes,
Everywhere that Momma goes,
Her boy is sure to go.
BC: Wait, wait, wait ...
{Pause}
BC: THE SONG IS ABOUT ME!

{Silence}
BC: Momma?!? Where did you go?!? I wasn't done with my list of injustices and incompetencies! 
EM: Maybe she got tired of hearing you complain. Your attitude and destructive tendencies dwarf Momma's shortcomings.
BC: Shortcomings?!? SHORTCOMINGS?!?! They're not SHORTCOMINGS, they're ...
{Momma walks back into the room}
BC: {sigh} I love you, Momma.
EM: Hmph. That's better!


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42 comments:

  1. That's a great picture of the two of you. Of course, it could also mean trouble for your parents.... when both of you agree on something !

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    1. Hmmm ... we're not telling which it is! ~Bear Cat and Ellie Mae

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  2. The last photo is a great one!!

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  3. I hope the tasty whole chickens didn't expire too Bear!

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  4. Bear, in the end, you still love your momma...that's the most impawtant bit!

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  5. Who is it possible to let treats expire ? I just wonder, but Zorro is deeply shocked. Purrs, Pixie

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    Replies
    1. I am too! Humans are incompetent ... but that's a new low! ~Bear Cat

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  6. MOL
    EM: Don't cry over spilled treats, Momma!
    For sure she won't even need a broom you two are on the job!
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. Shhh ... we didn't end up eating all of them ... ~Bear Cat

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  7. guyz...de last foto oh ewe both total lee rocks....N ya noe, if yur mom
    wood give ewe treetz two day that R act shoo a lee for two morrow.. than
    her could alleviate ( whoa look at de werd we just used !! } her could
    alleviate de knead oh tossin treetz out that iz expired.. coz they wood knot
    haza chance ta get that way.... coz yur eatin em in de few chure !!! ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. We love that last photo too!
      We're going to have to keep closer track of the treats Momma brings in the house! ~Bear Cat and Ellie Mae

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  8. So your mom sings silly songs to you too, huh? Our mom does that...it's really annoying. We love that last photo of you two together.

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    1. YES! Her singing is enough to kill a cat! Add silliness and it's even WORSE (believe me, that's hard to admit). ~Bear Cat
      We love that last photo too!

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  9. We agree, that last photo is so sweet! You sure scored with that treat bag! And tossing expired treats in the trash is just wrong :( That has happened at our house too.

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  10. I love that last photo of you two so much! The photos of you two hanging close together and Ellie touching Bear's face are nice too. Bear, maybe you're enjoying having a friend, even if just a little.

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    Replies
    1. We love that last photo too! Momma's gotten some great shots recently ... they make her very happy!

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  11. Ohhhh you should hear the songs my Mama sings! (wait, you don't want to MOL!!) LOVE THAT PHOTO!! And...we have to apologize for our absence but it wasn't our fault! The weekend of October 9th ALL of the blogs we follow via email that are sent by Feedburner (yours was one of them) TOTALLY STOPPED COMING!!!!! Mom and I tried to figure out what to do but there was nothing to be done. Now, today........magically they are coming back!! We are sooo happy! We read as many blogs as we could that were on Blog Lovin' (but you aren't there that we could see), soooooooo hopefully we are back!!! catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. No worries. Friends are friends - whether they stop by or not!

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  12. You two could do soooo much damage if you could only agree . . . And Bear, Smellie is kinda mean but kinda funny too only because we know Ellie will one day come back with a retort to put you in your place! ;p
    Our Mama wanted to tell your Mama that she thinks Ellie looks very healthy and happy these days!! Her furs are shimmering, shiny and her eyes are dancing :)

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    1. Ellie's perfect and I think, happy, too. ~Momma
      I was pretty proud of yak-ass! ~Bear Cat

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  13. WoW! Did you guys ever score! A big bag of treats! I wonder if I too could be a male princess! Mommy does call me her special bratty boy!
    You two sure have fun! I think I would like a furrend at home like you two have.
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. Don't go down Bear's male princess path! Ten years as an only child made him quite diva-ish. Of course, he'd tell you he only demands exactly what he deserves ...

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  14. I am so glad you two are getting along and there is photographic evidence of it. I do want to know why there are expired treats at your house, we would never let that happen.

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    Replies
    1. You wouldn't believe ... but there were EIGHT BAGS of Party Mix! I can't imagine what Phoebe would've said!

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  15. You two are too much. Thanks for the crack up dialogue.

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  16. AMARULA's HUMAN: I just have to say that the photo of Bear and EM is ADORABLE! Love that belly Bear--are you sure you don't like your sis even a little bit??
    AMARULA: Ignore the human Bear! I know you were drunk on an overdose of treats and that's the only reason EM is still breathing! PS LOVE LOVE #TEAMAMARULA!

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    1. Momma's gotten some great shots of the kitties recently ... they make her very happy!
      ps - #AmarulaAlways

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  17. OMC Throwin' away treats? Dat's not right, not right at all. Bear you are so totally right. Ifin you got treats more offen they wouldn't go bad. How could your mommy depurrive you so? MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. I went for my annual check up and I actually LOST weight!!! I'm starving! Or I will be after another 13 pounds ;) ~Bear Cat

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  18. Them sell by dates are guide lines really. Not that I have any out of date treats but I do get the odd expired mouse that has to be disposed of and they DO go off fast. MOL
    Toodle pip and purrs
    ERin

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    1. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I don't think I'd have the stomach to deal with your mousey guests, Erin!

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  19. Well I sure like you in your chicken suit, Bear, but maybe you need to be in a predator suit to go after chickens instead of looking like them. Just a thought. Tee hee hee. Wow, if Momma Kat spills treats all over like that I'm on my way over to get some... But just to warn you, I think the doggie is too, I'm afraid! Ellie, I think you have a be-au-ti-ful chat noir tail! Hugs!

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    1. Thank you, V. I AM very proud of my tail ... though yours is extra super floofy (that's a compliment!). ~Ellie

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  20. OMC, that last photo is so cute! You two troublemakers look so innocent there.

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  21. Awww....see....that's all Momma needs, is to know you love her, Bear! ♥

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