Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Grow a pair

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

Daily conversation - Grow a pair:
MK: Oh crap!
{Momma runs to the bathroom}
MK: Do de do ... la la la ...
{Rustle}
MK: Huh?
{Pause}

MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear streaks past}

MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
MK: WHAT THE HELL!
BC: {from under the bed} I'm not coming out! Is it after me? Is it after me?
MK: BEAR! Why were you hiding in the bathtub?
BC: I wasn't HIDING. I was lying in wait!
MK: For?
BC: You wouldn't understand.
MK: For the love of ... all I saw was a set of ears peeking out from behind the shower curtain.
BC: I'm not coming out until you kill it!
MK: The ears were yours!
BC: Why would you freak out over seeing MY ears?
MK: Because you never get in the bathtub!!! NEVER! I can count on ONE HAND the times you've been in the bathtub since we moved in ten years ago.
BC: It must be super scary for you to not want to tell me what it was! And it was BEHIND me and I didn't even know!!! That's the good part about this spot underneath the bed ... only the wall can be behind me!
MK: Then you jumped out of the bathtub and scared me a second time!
BC: It must have been a huge beast! It didn't follow me did it?
MK: What?
BC: What scared you!
MK: Your shadow?
BC: My what?
MK: I was being sarcastic!
{Momma finishes up in the bathroom and walks into the bedroom}
BC: {GASP} IT'S COMING FOR ME!!! IT'S COMING FOR ME!!! I SEE ITS SHADOW!!! IT'S A HUGE SHADOW!!!
MK: BB ...
BC: It's GROWLING at me, Momma!!! GROWLING! I hear its burbling tummy anticipating my tasty catness! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's BIGFOOT! It's BIGFOOT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Momma?
MK: {sigh} Bear!
BC: It's got you! It's got you! My life is OVER! Who'll ... wait a ... BIGFOOT! 
{Momma peers down to look under the bed}
BC: Oh. Hi, Momma. I thought you were the monster that was after me.
MK: There was no monster after you.
BC: Is this a trick to get me to come out?
MK: What?
BC: You promised Bigfoot he could have me if he spared you ... so you're trying to lure me out by convincing me there is no monster. I see HUMONGOUS feet out there!
MK: These are my feet!
BC: But they're HAIRY!
MK: THEY ARE NOT!
BC: ARE!
MK: NOT!
BC: ARE!
MK: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Bigfoot is getting hungry!
MK: I swear. You are a SERIOUS pain in my behind. {Getting on the floor to lay down so Bear can see the UN-hairy feet are attached to Momma}. Better?
BC: I'm still not coming out.
MK: Suit yourself.
BC: HEY! Where are you going! There might be MONSTERS around here! I can't be ALONE!
MK: Then come out from under the bed and come out to where I'm working.
BC: Will you hold me??
MK: Will  I .... BEAR! You are a GROWN male cat with fangs and claws. You are PERFECTLY capable of defending yourself as I well know. You do not need me to ... 
{Momma sees the look on Bear's face}
MK: Oh, FINE.
{Momma gets up off the floor}
BC: Wait! Wait! Where are you going?
MK: To sit in my desk chair.
BC: But you can't leave without me! Wait for me ... wait for ...
{Pause}
BC: OOF!
MK: Maybe you should watch where you're going Mr. Tough Pants. When you say "wait," that means the other person STOPS.
BC: You definitely need break lights on that butt.
MK: You ran into my calves, Bear.
BC: Yeah, lucky thing too! I mean ramming into that butt would cause me significant front end damage ... or there'd be a mega-explosion of doughnuts! Hahahahaha ....
{Silence}
BC: A little too far?
MK: A doughnut butt too far, Bear.
BC: Phht. And you say I need a diet! {in a mocking voice} "The vet says you aren't missing any meals, Bear!" Hmph. Well, you aren't missing any doughnuts!
MK: Are we even having the same conversation?
BC: Probably not. I don't usually listen to you.
MK: Oh?
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Carry me! I demand a ride!
MK: You have four legs, Bear. You can walk.
BC: I do? Holy cat! I never realized! You never told me! FOUR legs?!?! How did I not realize this when I HAVE TO CLEAN THEM EVERY DAY?!?!?
{Momma and Bear walk toward the office ... Bear goes right to his litter box}
BC: {GASP!} There's a BOX in my litter box!
MK: Oh, yeah. It fell in there when I took the trash out and I forgot about it.
BC: THERE'S A BOX IN MY LITTER BOX! I can't poop with foreign objects in my litter box.
MK: You don't have to poop. You did a few hours ago. Which is, what I'm guessing, started your crazypants hiding from something in the bathtub.
BC: They were TALKING to me.
MK: Who?
BC: You wouldn't understand.
{Pause}
BC: Maybe you didn't hear me the first time, but THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY LITTER BOX THAT DOESN'T BELONG there!
MK: When you demanded to be called Princess Buttercup, you weren't too far off the mark. Hiding from your own shadow, wanting to be held, wanting to be carried instead of walk on your own legs, the princess and the pea in your litter box ...
BC: That's MALE princess!
MK: I'll add the "MALE" when you grow a pair of ... hmmm.
{Momma starts laughing hysterically}.
BC: Grow a pair of what? What's so funny? Is there something missing of my anatomy? Is there something I should be cleaning every day that I missed? THUMBS! Other cats have thumbs! You're mocking me because I can't grow a pair of thumbs!
MK: Ummm ... YEAAAAAAAH. 
BC: Will you hold me now?
MK: Sure.
{Momma picks Bear up}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Pet my ears! Pet my ears! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Belly rub! Oh .... ahhhhhh ....

{Pause}
BC: {CHOMP!}
MK: OWWWWWWWWW!
{Bear jumps down}
BC: You're welcome.
MK: For biting me?
BC: No. I let you hold me and I comforted you because you were scared of monsters. Phht. Monsters! As IF!
MK: I wasn't the one ... you were the one that was ... {sigh} ... never mind.
BC: I never do.
{The phone rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's after me! It's after me! I'm going to die! {Bear ends up under the bed ... again}.
MK: I should just move your litter box and food and water bowls under the bed.
BC: And the cat tree! Don't forget the cat tree!
MK: How in monkey biscuit's name would it fit ...
{Pause}
MK: Yeah. I'll get right on that.
BC: And my toys! Err ... pinkie mousie, my kick stick, my chirpy fishy ...
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Thanks! I'll be here waiting!

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41 comments:

  1. It's hard to be a Mr. Tough Pants when you're being pursued by such frightening monsters. We understand, Bear, even when the humans don't see anything alarming at all.

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    1. If they heard the voices, they'd understand ;) ~Bear Cat

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  2. The humans miss lots of scary stuff - or at least my human does especially when she doesn't have her glasses on. Stay safe under the bed. Hope you can make the cat bed fit under there.

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    1. Oops, meant cat tree, not cat bed

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    2. Cat tree or cat bed, its pretty much the same thing around here ;) Bear Cat

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  3. Watch out for those monsters, Bear! Real Cat Paisley says the main monster here is the Vacuum Monster, which is terrifying.

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    1. I hate that one! HATE! I always wonder what would happen if it wasn't on that leash that's attached to the wall! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Eddy is right there with you, Bear. She says there are monsters everywhere, and that under the bed is the safest bet, and that humans just don't understand. And, now she wants to drag her cat tree under the bed as well. This could get interesting.

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    1. Wow. She seems so fearless in every other way (like with the Christmas tree) ... but then again, my Momma says I pick fights as long as I'm sure the thing can't fight back. She thinks this is funny ... HUMANS! Can't live with them, can't live without their thumbs ;) ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear Cat! What happened to that big brave Bear Cat that used to live at your place? Did you eat Sissy Wheats for breakfast? You should slay any monsters that dare to come into your lair!

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    1. Ummm ... I think that's my Momma's job ... yeah. She likes kicking ass, so I let her do the honors ... ~Bear Cat

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  6. It's okay Bear, before our bed was lowered so we can't get under there I used to spend lots of time protecting the dust bunnies. Someone had to do it!

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    1. A cat's job is never done, I tell you! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear...you are quick as greased lightning.
    Hey if you are looking for a date for the big Kits, Kritters, K9's heart day K-oss event let us know.
    We can put out the Mews. Brian has a ton of most gorgeous sisters you know!!
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  8. Is the sucky monster under there? *shivers* The only monster in our house is the sucky monster. No sir, we don't like it!

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    1. That is the evilest of the evil! I shudder to think what would happen if it wasn't on that leash attached to the wall! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Haha! That is too cute. Very good read! Keep up the fun posts :) Casey

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  10. Big foot? Fear not, Bear, whilst that sounds kinda scary, I bet it wouldn't be able to catch you on account of only having one foot... would sort of have to hop after you, and would fall down a lot especially if it's like my peep putting shoes on. Mouses!
    purrs ERin

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    1. You pose a profound question ... does Bigfoot only have one foot? Or two? And if he has TWO feet, why is he not called Bigfeet? Oh, these complex and unanswerable questions of our very existence! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Sighs. The mocking... just never ends, does it?

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    1. Now you see what I have to put up with every day! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Don't you worry! Amarula knows that you were under the bed to check for those notoriously dangerous dust bunnies!

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    1. Exactly! Us brave cats don't put on blinders to the dangers surrounding us like the humans ... we're brave enough to see the danger that even dust bunnies possess! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Oh Bear, you're too much. You don't like hanging out in the tub??? I love playing in there! --Mudpie

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    1. Hmmm ... I shouldn't knock it unless I've tried it. Though I must confess that scaring the daylights out of my Momma by hiding behind the shower curtain was hilariously fun! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Nothing is missing Bear, you are just perfect.XO

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  15. You'd better watch out Bear! Hairy footed monsters will grab you and turn you into soup! In the meantime, while you are "nesting" under the bed, we can help with your cat tree placement ;)

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    1. SOUP?!?! Erm ... I'll just wait under the bed while my Momma does a sweep of the house ... ~Bear Cat

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  16. Wait, Bear...haven't you ever heard of the Under the Bed Monster?? Yikes!!!

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    1. Ummmm ... is that one related to the dust bunnies?!?! Or maybe it eats the dust bunnies? I'll have my Momma check under the bed for me ;) ~Bear Cat

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  17. We see lots of things that our mom and dad miss, Bear. So we definitely understand. It's a cat thing, right? :)

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    1. Those humans can't see what they're too scared to see! Us brave cats do not put on blinders to reality! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Be careful, Bear. There might be (whisper the word) SPIDERS in the bath and under the bed!
    That's Purrfect

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    1. I LOVE spiders. My Momma has to rescue them from me otherwise she finds spider legs all over the place ... and the occasional three-legged spider. ~Bear Cat

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  19. Bear, NEVER admit to the peeps that you don't listen to 'em. I know we cats don't. Listen to our peeps, I mean. But there's no need for the peeps to know that fact. purrs

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    1. Excellent point, Seville! Now what was it again? ;) ~Bear Cat

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  20. The element of surprise no doubt was long in the planning stages.

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    1. Got to keep those humans on their toes! And the occasional heart attack doesn't hurt either. ~Bear Cat

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