Thursday, July 23, 2015

Bible Stories . . . For Cats

Given that a conceptual God and a conceptual cat seem mutually exclusive, with each being omniscient and omnipotent, one might think cats have no interest in God. However, for Bear, he feels right at home with God and the teachings of the Bible . . . maybe not quite as you'd expect, but since when does Bear ever conform to human expectations? Boring! Though Momma might be biased, Bear's uniqueness is one of his best qualities. 

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Momma?
MK: Yes, love bug?
BC: Can I have one of that animal that was in the story you read me last night?
MK: Which one?
BC: It ate a kid.
MK: Jonah?
BC: Yes! I want a 'Jonah!'
MK: No. Jonah was the kid . . . no, man. You want a whale?
BC: I think it's only fair, since you won't get me a whole chicken.
MK: You think a whale is a compromise for a whole chicken?
BC: Bear doesn't compromise.
MK: You can't eat a whale.
BC: I wasn't expecting to! I just want a friend.
MK: If you're that lonely, I can bring another cat into the household for you.
BC: You mean so I have some annoying pipsqueak following me around, asking inane questions and watching everything I do? 
MK: Like you did to Kitty, you mean.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about!
MK: How many squirt bottles did I empty on you?
BC: What's that got to do with anything? 
MK: I used the squirt bottles to stop the almost constant confrontations between the two of you since you followed her around, everywhere.
BC: I thought you were worried I was dehydrated! That's why I always acted grateful and opened my mouth!
MK: You didn't realize you were annoying Kitty?
BC: I wanted to be her friend! Clearly, cats don't make good friends.
MK: {mumbling} Like THAT'S a surprise! I wonder why?
BC: What?
MK: Nothing. You seem to make friends with the neighbor cats.
BC: That's just being nice. I don't want them to think I'm a human tool. And we have a neighborhood watch system in place.
MK: Oh, really? Against what?
BC: Bunnies, birds, squirrels, dogs . . .
MK: You seem to really like Bella though!
BC: Nah. Don't get me wrong, she's alright, but like?
MK: You knocked over and broke a heavy floor lamp getting from one window to another window for a better view!
BC: That is NOT what happened. I wanted to see whose butt she was sniffing.
MK: Oh yeah? So what happened to the blinds in the second bedroom . . . when you almost hung yourself trying to get in the best position to trade googly eyes with her?
BC: That's when I thought she was a kitten. I had to get your attention so we could rescue her! I was being sensitive!
MK: But she wasn't a kitten.
BC: We know that now . . . after years of her coming by and not growing. And by the way? We shall never speak of that incident again . . . 
MK: I'm sure she was flattered by your attention.
BC: I fell backwards out of the window! One minute I had my claw in the string attached to the blinds, and the next, BOOM! I disappeared.
MK: She was still there when you got back up on the windowsill! She probably didn't even notice you flailing out of the window.
{Pause: as Momma and Bear stare at each other}
BC: As I said, we'll never talk of that again.
MK: Oh, Bear. So you want a whale for a friend?
BC: Affirmative.
MK: They live in water, where would we put it?
BC: Duh! My water bowl!
MK: I don't think your water bowl is big enough . . .
BC: Then get me a bigger one! Why do humans make everything so complicated? Don't make me go all David and Goliath on you!
MK: Who knew reading Bible stories to a cat could cause so much trouble?
BC: I'm still waiting for the two fishy to multiply to feed the multitude!
MK: You left two BITES of fishy on your plate . . . the story is about two WHOLE fish.
BC: But . . . but . . . it would take WEEKS for me to save up enough of my fishy treats to equal two whole fishy!
MK: We also don't have a multitude!
BC: Details! God doesn't need to know everything.
MK: However, Momma does need our water to turn into wine.
BC: No! You said the whale needs WATER!
MK: Yes, but Momma needs WINE.
BC: It's always about you! You don't even LIKE wine.
MK: Beggars can't be choosers.
BC: Why so desperate?
MK: I have a cat.
BC: {looking around} Where?
MK: Oh, Bear!
BC: Catimus Maximus to you.
MK: Gluteus Maximus is more like it.
BC: It's all Greek to me. As long as "Maximus" is part of it, fine.
MK: Technically, it's Latin.
BC: OK, Ms. Smarty-know-it-all-pants. As I said, it's all Greek to me. So can I have a whale?
MK: No.
BC: You didn't even think about it! You spend more time deciding what toilet paper to buy!
MK: Tough.
BC: Then don't buy the cheap toilet paper!
MK: No, I meant . . . oh, never mind.
BC: So why don't you practice what you preach?
MK: What do you mean?
BC: You're always saying how important animals are to God and His Plan - that God made sure to save two of each kind from the flood - so we should love and respect animals.
MK: I don't have to get you a whale to prove I love and respect you!
BC: How else?
MK: Gluteus Maximus!
BC: Yes?
BC: By the way, did you skip over the part of the ark story where the animals revolt? I can't imagine being stuck in an itty bitty space with dogs and birds . . .
MK: No, I did not skip over it.
BC: How realistic is that?
MK: I don't know Bear, it was a unique time. You should take a lesson and learn how to get along with other animals.
BC: So I can have a whale?
MK: NO! {then mumbling to herself} Why couldn't he ask for a lamb? Or a dove?
BC: Did you say HAM? I'll take a ham!
MK: No, I said "a l . . .," dang it!
BC: Do not use thy Lord God's name in vain.
MK: Do not covet the possessions of thy neighbor!
BC: None of our neighbors have a whale!
MK: Honor thy mother.
BC: You're not my real mom! 
BC: Tell you what. You think about getting me a whale while I take a nap. I spent all morning trying to part the water in my bowl and I'm exhausted! I have to make sure I'm well rested for tomorrow's miracle: walking on water. I might need a larger bowl. Maybe I can borrow the bath tub?
BC: Oh! And wake me up if a Samaritan happens by . . . he or she might be able to help me get a whale.
MK: Bear, it doesn't work like that . . . 
{Pause: as Momma and Bear stare at each other}
MK: Oh, fine, "Whatever you say, Bear."
BC: It's about time! My wisdom matches Solomon, but I'm starting to feel like Job.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah, God is love.
MK: Well, yeah. But I also love YOU.
BC: Force be with you.
MK: You mean, "Peace be with you?"
BC: No. Cats don't believe in peace. We believe in force, aka fangs and claws . . . you always want that to be WITH you and not against you.
MK: So thoughtful! Er . . . I think.

Being A Godly Kitty Is Exhausting

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