Monday, February 12, 2018

He loves me ... he loves me not

MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma and The Boy are sitting on the couch watching television}
MK: A bunch of people asked what Bear ate before he dreamed you gave birth to him.
EM: The question should be ... What HASN'T he eaten?!? Look at him! He looks like an obese turtle! And those stripes don't do him any fav ...

BC: {from the kitchen} I'm warning you ONE. MORE. TIME. Land or I'll bring you down myself! I can fly, you know!
The Boy: Fly?! More like belly fl ...
MK: SHHHHHHHH!
{Silence}
BC: Oh, I see! You're uppity and think you're better than the other rolls of paper towels. They all stood on the counter - saluting my superiority. But you ... YOU ...
MK: BEAR! So help me ... if you knock the new paper towel hanger out of the wall again ...
BC: Phht. Like it's MY fault this roll refuses to acknowledge and respect my capabilities.
MK: I respect your capabilities ... You've pulled the paper towel hanger mounting out of the wall several times already.
BC: Several times. Bless your heart. I think not. AT LEAST five times.
MK: I thought the first couple were mounting mistakes! Now you're in even more trouble ...
BC: Make this paper towel roll stop looking at me! If he doesn't stop, you'll make him sorry he was born!
MK: Paper towels aren't exactly born, Bear.
BC: Oh. I see how it is. You're taking HIS side!
MK: Not exact ...
BC: REPENT OR MY MOMMA WILL MAKE TOILET PAPER OF YOU! NO! LITTER BOX SHREDS!
MK: It's bad enough that he's like most cats and knocks stuff off counters and tables for no other reason than he can ... who can forget when he attacked the hand vacuum ... but pulling stuff out of the wall?!?! The picture frame, the drawing, the paper towel holder, electrical cords from the socket ... sometimes I swear ... he just really likes picking fights with stuff that won't and can't fight back. 
EM: That's because he knows he'll have his behind handed to him by anything that will and can fight back.
{THUNK!}
BC: HA! That'll show ... huh?!?
{THUNK!}
BC: Ow.
EM: He fell off the counter again. He really should pay attention to where he is with relation to the edge of the counter ... but he's always too caught up to notice.

BC: {under his breath} HMPH!!! Stupid ... moved on me ... out to get me ... he'll regret ... no respect around here for superior life  ...
{Pause}
BC: {walking into the room nonchalantly} Do de do ... de do de ... 
{Bear pauses to groom himself a little}
MK: He makes it seem like he didn't just fall off the counter.
The Boy: Are you Daddy's Buddy Bear? 
{Bear looks around nonchalantly}
{Bear pauses to groom himself a little}
{Bear walks over and sit on the floor by The Boy ... staring at his lap}
The Boy: Come on, Buddy! 
{Bear nonchalantly jumps in The Boy's lap}
BC: Do de do ... de do de ... la la la.
The Boy: Are you my Buddy Bear?! Huh?! OH! You like those ear rubs, don't you?
BC: PUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...

MK: {reaching over to pet Bear} I love ...
{Cue the sound of the a needle scratching a record}
BC: DON'T TOUCH ME!!! CAN'T YOU SEE MY DADDY AND I ARE HAVING A MOMENT!?!?
EM: Better take his temperature ...
The Boy: He loves me! He really loves me!
BC: {looking at The Boy with annoyance} Phht. I wouldn't go THAT far. Don't ruin it!
MK: BEAR! I'm right here! Why don't you ...
BC: NOPE.
MK: But ...
BC: The Boy and I are male bonding. HEY! A little to the lef ... OOOOOOOOHHHH. That's NICE! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: Traitor!
BC: I said the same thing to you last night when you clipped my claws!
{Momma and Bear think back to the night before ...}


BC: And while I'm sharing all the ways you traumatized me yesterday ... later, you ALMOST stepped on me!!!
MK: No. I was walking over you and decided to pet you with my foot and you thought I was going to step on you ... you panicked ... took off ... and tripped me.
EM: You ALMOST fell on me! You almost killed me!
BC: Talk about killing two birds with one stone ... talk about brilliant strategy ... and so close too!
MK: Then neither of you would let me get close to you to apologize!
BC: Oh, yeah. Because APOLOGIZING to Ellie for almost killing her is adequate.
MK: I didn't do it on purpose! You're the one who ...
BC: Phht. Why would I want your FOOT to touch me?!?! Your foot smells like feet ... and probably tastes like it too!
MK: You would know.
BC: So given all that mistreatment ... WHY would I jump in YOUR lap today? I think NOT.
MK: But The Boy?!?

The Boy: HEY! What's THAT supposed to mean?!?!
BC: That Boy is my Daddy! Ellie talks so much about how much she loves Daddy's lap ... so I figured I'd see what all the hubbub was about.
MK: And?!?!
BC: Ellie's crazy.
EM: HEY!
BC: And beggars can't be choosers. It's The Boy or nothing. Kind of a hard call ... but at least his lap is warm.
The Boy: If it's so bad, you don't have to be on my lap, Bear.
BC: Phht. It's better than Momma's lap! Well, at least when I'm mad at her.
MK: HEY!!! That's insulting!
BC: Do they make a vaccine for doof-itis?!
{Pause}
BC: Never mind. I'd rather take my chances of catching doof-itis from sitting on your lap than go to the vet.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: Hey is for horses ... like Smellie Neigh! Hahahaha.
EM: Take it back!
BC: NO! You're just a smelly horse!

EM: I've had enough of you making fun of me! Like YOU'RE so special! You walk around here demanding the treatment of a princess ... but fight everything that doesn't move ... 
MK: Bear, because of your nonsense, The Boy and I only slept a few hours last night. THAT'S mistreatment!
BC: Hmph. You sleep for a few hours and I never hear the end of it! You act like you're sleep deprived! Sleep deprived? REALLY?!?! I only got twelve hours of sleep yesterday! THAT'S sleep deprived!
MK: Your sleep deprivation is the gift that keeps on giving ... when you can't sleep ... NO ONE sleeps!
BC: Yeah ... yeah ... poor YOU! I'm done with all your nonsense! I'm going to my room!
{Bear goes to the bedroom, meanwhile The Boy and Momma discuss "His Bear-ness."}
{Hours pass ...}
{The Boy walks into the bedroom to go to bed ... then lays down}
The Boy: OWW!
MK: {running into the bedroom} What?!?! What's wrong?
The Boy: Bear barfed on my pillow and I laid on it!
BC: {from the other room} FINALLY! 
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... it HURT?!? Score another one for ...
{Silence}
BC: Err ... I mean ... that sucks!

The Boy: And ... he loves me not.
MK: Do we need to change the sheets?
The Boy: It's dry food. And I want to get to sleep ... I'll just scoop it up and be done with it.
{The Boy gets back in bed and Momma comes to give him a kiss goodnight}
MK: There's more!
The Boy: WHERE?!?!
MK: On the floor! NO! Don't get up ... I'll take care of it.
The Boy: {rolling on his belly to sleep} Thanks.
{Momma leans down to kiss The Boy at the same time as he props himself up on his arms ... his head knocking hard against Momma's nose and glasses}
MK: OWWW!!!! Son of a ... STUFFINGS, that hurt!
BC: Hahahahahaha. It was pretty funny to watch. Better than any of the cat videos Momma finds online. Doof-itis strikes again! Sometimes the stuff you two do is almost TOO much doof-iness to believe it's real. But it is! Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
{THUNK!}
BC: Ow.
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: Nothing!
MK: You were laughing so hard you walked into the wall again, didn't you?
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!

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46 comments:

  1. Bear, not even the paper towels respect you.. take charge! Show them all who is boss here ! Well, except for Ellie, she's a girl.. and your mom, she's off limits because she's mom. The rest of the house, go for it !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ellie's the one that needs to learn who's boss! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Oh my, what an episode! Bear do you think theres a chance this is just a dream and when you all wake up nobody will be hurt and all the biros will be in the right place and Ellie will be a tasty chicken rancher and you will all live happily ever after? If not, I send you all some of the bubble wrap padding Mrs H has as it looks like it could come in handy, and I don't mean for posting Ellie away somewhere MOL
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. I HOPE it wasn't a dream! Not only did I lick those paper towels pretty good ... but I also finally managed to hit The Boy's pillow! All said and done ... not that bad of a day! ~Bear Cat

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  3. MOL! Hey, watch where you're going, Bear! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah. Yeah. You fall off one counter ... run into one wall ... and you never hear the end of it! ~Bear Cat

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  4. OMG, I laughed HARD reading the interaction during nail trimming, Bear!

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    Replies
    1. Last time Momma clipped his claws ... it was rather rough. He's not usually that bad!

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  5. dood....sorree ya hurled buddy coz itz knot fun.... but 984 pawz UP for
    hurlin on dadz pillow !!!! tuna of moon

    ellie; my stars girl if you didn't hit the nail on the head with this remark
    'but he's always too caught up to notice......

    indeed ~~~~~ hugs from dai$y =^..*= ♥♥♥

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    Replies
    1. BOYS! The world would make so much more sense if there were only girls ... but it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining! ~Ellie Mae

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  6. Bear, it sure sounds like you have lots of troubles.Too many picking on you. Hope your day gets better.

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    Replies
    1. It really ticks me off that Ellie's colluding with the paper towels! So much for family loyalty! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Dry food puke does clean up easy! The other day I tripped over Mudpie in the dark - broadsided her, in fact - and I, too, apologized for nearly killing her!

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    Replies
    1. Momma chased us around to apologize for more than 15 minutes! I think that spooked us far more than the incident itself!

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  8. Ellie, you're so funny. You look so all-knowing in the picture where you're saying Bear gets too caught up to notice. You're so wise!

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    Replies
    1. BOYS! Sometimes they make it TOO easy! ~Ellie Mae

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  9. I'm glad to hear you've started your own pillow business Bear and you came up with a good one!

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    Replies
    1. I don't understand why the humans are acting so put out! ~Bear Cat

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  10. AMARULA: Bear you have to tell me how you did it!?!? How do you get the barf so well placed? No matter how hard I try I can't barf on demand--very upsetting! You are so darn talented!!!

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  11. We are with Erin, its got to be a dream....

    Nothing that wild happens in our house.... mostly.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I HOPE it wasn't a dream! Not only did I lick those paper towels pretty good ... but I also finally managed to hit The Boy's pillow! All said and done ... not that bad of a day! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. You guys lead such an interesting life. Happy Valentine's Day to your mum, the Boy and of course both of you cat kids 💘

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes Momma says it's TOO interesting ... is there such a thing? ~Bear Cat

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  13. Chasing a cat around to apologize for tripping over them should be an Olympic event. I think we'd all take home gold.

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    Replies
    1. The faster we run ... the harder they try! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Geesh, Bear, we had no idea you were so... so.... into home décor! Pulling things from walls, rearranging things. Maybe we have you misunderstood. Or maybe... hey! Is that the stovetop you're sitting on?? That's a big no-no in our house. Tell us, how do you get away with it because we're ready to take notes!

    We saw your comment about sending our Mom an email about Nose-to-Nose but she didn't get it. Her email is locked down pretty tight due to a couple of unsavory visitors. If you can, please use misc at colehaus dot com. Thank you for thinking of us!

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    Replies
    1. My Momma gave up on keeping me off the stove ... just keep doing it and it breaks their will!! My Momma is exceptionally stubborn ... but I won! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Luv is in the air... er... the "Bear Air" only you don't want to admit it, Bear - that you are loved! Kisses & Happy Valentine's Day!

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  16. Very impressive that you can pull the paper towel holder off the wall. I must say , you are looking rather thin in these photos Bear. Happy Valentine's Day!

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    Replies
    1. YES!!! I'm starving!!! Send treats or I'll die! ~Bear Cat
      {Bear's not really starving ...}

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  17. Er-hmmm... Might I suggest not walkin' into walls when makin' a dramatic exit? I know, it's hard. Peeps can be so silly at times, it's hard to stop laughin' for long enough to see where you're goin'. PURRS.

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    1. It's THEIR fault! If they weren't so stupid ... I'd never be laughing too hard to see! HMPH. ~Bear Cat

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  18. Hah, good work Bear. We'v e found that a carefully placed pile of barf always makes a statement! Sometimes you just have to keep your staff in line.
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto

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    Replies
    1. I can't even imagine the impact given there's FIVE of you! WOW! ~Bear Cat

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  19. WoW! your life is so much more interesting than mine! Especially right now...All my Mom has been doing for the last couple of weeks is work! And this week she has been really neglecting helping me, so much so I missed commenting on all my furrends Valentines!
    Happy Valentines Day Guys and I hope you have a MARVELOUS day!
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. We love you, Marv! And we think you are far more interesting than we could ever be! ~Bear Cat and Ellie Mae

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  20. Nothing like a pile of barf (or two) to stir things up, Bear. Oh, and we love that you have the Boy totally confused about whether or not you actually like him. MOL!

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  21. Aaaaaaaaaaw Bear, you look so cute. We hate claw clippin' time too. Mommy says we're funny. We disagree. We give her our bestest growls and hisses while she tries to clip our claws. Tear 'em up. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. So do we! Bear hardly ever hisses ... but get out those clippers and all bets are off!

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