Friday, November 17, 2017

Bear's [beyond, then NOT] bad day, Part 2

When Bear visits the vet, he howls and meows the entire way there ... the entire visit ... and usually all the way home too. What's he saying? In this post, I venture to guess! If you missed the first part, describing how Momma got him in the carrier for his annual wellness visit to the vet, you may read it here: Bear's [beyond] bad day.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

{Momma and Bear are in the car, on the way to the vet for Bear's yearly wellness visit; Bear's howled the entire trip so far}
BC: I'll have you know that you're going to pay for this. I'll never forgive you! If the vet kills me, I'll haunt you for the rest of your life! Did I mention that I hate this tiny carrier?!? I hate the sun! I hate the road! I hate this car! I hate this seat! I hate the radio! I hate the music on the radio that you listen to. I hate your singing to the music on the radio! And most of all ... I HATE YOU!!! I'd rather be at home letting Dumbnuts pet me than this! 

BC: What?! Why are we stopping?
MK: Red light.
BC: Who cares about nuances like red lights when every second is torture because I'm shoved in this tiny carrier?
MK: If I get pulled over by a police man, it will take even longer to get to the vet.
BC: Just show him that you have a cat shoved in a tiny carrier. Ooh. Yes! If you get pulled over, you'll be arrested for abuse! I'll testify about all the horrible, unspeakable things that you do to me.
MK: Unspeakable?
BC: Brushing my teeth, washing my chin, clipping my claws, brushing me, starving me, my empty food bowl, this tiny carrier, the vet, Smellie, The Boy, your grabby hands, your "singing," your "dancing" ...
MK: Unspeakable, huh? You seem to have no trouble speaking about it. 
BC: What's that have to do with anything?!?! Speaking the unspeakable doesn't make it any less unspeak ... OH! I almost forgot! The way you and The Boy laughed at me last night ... mercilessly guffawing like a herd of deranged donkeys and hysterical hyenas! 

MK: Bear, you had a piece of chicken stuck to your nose.
BC: Oh, yeah. Just laugh it up! I could SMELL chicken, but I couldn't find it anywhere! I looked everywhere only to turn around and see you both LAUGHING at me! Abused! Maligned! Misunderstood!!
MK: I really wish I'd gotten a picture. It was pretty adorable.
BC: Adorable?!?! ADORABLE?!?! What is your ... 
BC: Why are we stopping ... AGAIN?!?
MK: Another red light.
BC: I thought we decided to throw caution to the wind ... and get you arrested. Hehehehe. 
MK: No, thank you.
BC: Oh, I was KIDDING, Momma. Err ... mostly. I mean, no one can resist my charms. Bat my eyelashes a few times, purr ... he'll surely let us go. Worse comes to worse ... I'll talk us out of a ticket.

MK: Sure. Because the MORE you talk, the less trouble you find yourself.
BC: I promise I won't tell him that you're going 55 in a 40. Or about that stop sign.
MK: Stop sign?
BC: The LAST time you took me to the vet. And then there's ...
MK: That's enough.
BC: Phht. The only person to run over the same stop sign TWICE.
MK: WHAT?!?! I never did that! I've never run over a stop sign once ... much less TWICE!
BC: But the police officer doesn't know that.
MK: If we get pulled over, keep your trap CLOSED.
BC: But what fun is my trap if it's closed?!? You should be glad ...
{Momma hits the brakes}
BC: OW! 
MK: Sorry. Pedestrian running across the road.
BC: Why did you stop?!?!
MK: Thank goodness you don't have a driver's license.
BC: Phht. If some PEDESTRIAN is stupid enough to run in front of our car, you're doing the fool AND the world a favor!
MK: I'd prefer to avoid spending the rest of my life in prison.
BC: Hmph. I see how it is ... you don't want to spend time in prison, but I have to spend time locked up in this stupid carrier! 
MK: The carrier isn't punishment.
BC: Says YOU.
MK: So help me, Bear ... if we get pulled over and I hear even one peep out of you ...
BC: HEY! What's wrong with being friendly?!? I'll just NICELY tell the policeman that the laws are stupid and don't apply to me. Then I'll KINDLY remind him that police officers are dimwits.
BC: WHAT?!?! They have canine units but no feline units?!? That's discrimination! Our sense of scent is even better than stupid dogs. And we come with built in weapons!
MK: You also nap eighteen hours a day.
BC: EXACTLY! Cats would fit right in with police officers.
BC: Someone should point out their folly! 
MK: And you'll volunteer for a feline unit?
BC: Phht. WORK?!? No, thank you! 
MK: I'm not even going to bother setting you straight on all this nonsense. Police officers aren't anything you assume them to be.
BC: Besides, people like to be around other people like them! As part of being friendly, I'll point out your similarities. You and a police officer have so much in common! You both enforce stupid rules! You both persecute poor innocent beings. You both like doughnuts too. We could even have a doughnut butt competition! 

MK: I like my freedom, thank you very much.
BC: You like your freedom, but you have no compunction shoving me in a tiny carrier and taking away my freedom!
BC: That's ONCE too many! Besides, this is the THIRD time I've been to the vet in SIX MONTHS! It's all Smellie's fault!
MK: Bear, when we adopted Ellie, she had roundworms so we had to make sure you didn't get them ... and then you had a bad reaction to the flea treatment I used since Ellie hadn't been treated for fleas in awhile and I wanted to be sure we were covered by treating you both at the same time. Neither of those were her fault. I was just being safe.
BC: STOPPING!?!? AGAIN!? What THIS time?!?!
MK: We're here.
BC: Finally! Sheesh. You talked the ENTIRE WAY here! Sheesh. The Boy's right. Women never shut up! Yak yak yak yak yak. I couldn't get a word in edge-wise.
{Pause as Momma walks around the car and opens the car door to carry Bear in}
BC: WHAT?!?!? PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW! You wanted to take me to the vet. FINE! But you said NOTHING about going in! This is immoral! And probably illegal! I want my lawyer! I want ...
{Momma opens the door to the vet office to barking from dogs in the waiting room}
BC: {GASP} I KNEW IT! You fattened me up for these ... these ... rabid dogs! This was your plan all along! You'll feed my luscious loins to those ... those ... I HATE YOU! This is cold! Even for you!

{Pause as more dogs enter the waiting room}
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Is this Dog Day at the vet? They know I'm a cat, right? 
MK: Yes, they know you're a ...
BC: HEY, DIMWITS! Stop barking!! You're all worse than my Momma! Thankfully, I don't understand WOOF. No doubt you're discussing some bit of inanity like who let the dogs out. Or which fire hydrant you peed on. BUT FOR THE LOVE ... SHUT UP!!!
{All the dogs turn and look at Bear}
BC: Erm ... uh ... Momma?! MOMMA!!! The dogs are LOOKING at me! HUGE, FAT dogs ... with LOTS of teeth ... hopefully, nice doggies!?!? Nice ... STUPID doggies ... but NICE. Vacuous and dim doggies ... but nice ... right? We can be friends, right?
MK: I guess you're glad you're in the carrier, huh? Nice and safe.
BC: Err ... I didn't mean friends really. I meant ... umm ... we can ... not eat each other, right?!?

{The receptionist calls Bear's name}
BC: FINALLY! Phew! That was close! Hmph. I don't know what your problems are, you stupid dogs! TAKE THAT! And let me tell you ...
{The door shuts behind Momma and Bear}
BC: You could've at least let me finish.
{The vet tech tries to get Bear out of the carrier ... as he wedges himself firmly in the back}
BC: Nope. NOT coming out. The vet will have to examine me in here.
{The vet tech takes the top off the carrier}
BC: RATS! I was hoping she didn't know it could do that!
{The vet tech picks Bear up to weigh him and tells him what a handsome boy he is}
BC: I KNOW that!
BC: But don't think that excuses you for what you've ...
{The vet tech reads out Bear's weight}
MK: Thirteen and a half pounds. Huh.
BC: I KNEW IT!!! I'm starving! This woman is starving me!!! 

MK: Bear, you only lost a couple ounces.
BC: LOST?!?! Couple ounces?!?  You make it sound like I set a couple ounces down somewhere and then forgot where I left them! LOST. Phht. No. They were STOLEN!!! You're STARVING me and all you care about is the number! I'm wasting away right before your eyes!
MK: Earlier, you accused me of fattening you up.
BC: I don't know this woman. HELP! I've been kitty-napped! I've been kitty-napped! My name isn't Bear, it's Princess Buttercup! This isn't my Momma! I've never seen this woman before! This woman clearly has a doughnut problem. I ...
{Momma starts rubbing Bear's ears}
BC: Oooooh. THE SPOT. Purrrr ... 
{The vet tech tells Momma she's taking Bear to the back for his blood draw and vaccinations ... she picks him up and turns to walk out of the room}
BC: WHAT?!?! NO!!! Whatever you have to do, you can do right here! HEY! I'm TALKING to you! PUT ME DOWN! Put me ... I want my Momma!!! I WANT MY MOMMA RIGHT NOW!! Only she's allowed to touch me! This isn't right! If you're going to torture me at my Momma's request, she should be forced to watch what she chose to put me through! 
{Pause as the vet tech says something to Bear as they walk away}
BC: Don't butter me up! I don't care if you promise me a tasty whole chicken farm ... 
{Pause as the vet tech says something to Bear}
BC: Why, YES! I HAVE been working out! Thank you for noticing.
MK: {mumbling to herself back in the exam room} Ill tempered ... bombastic ... obnoxious ... raucous ... yet completely clueless. 
{Momma can still hear Bear talking from the exam room}
BC: Hmph. Did she tell you what she did to me?!?! It was horrible! Repulsive! Abhorrent! She adopted another cat! I mean, SURE ... at least it wasn't the goslings ... but Bear Cat's an only child!
BC: I KNOW! Exactly!
BC: Her name is really Ellie ... but I like calling her Smellie. Hahahahaha. Do you know what Ellie did to me? I swear. If she doesn't apologize and beg for mercy, Momma will need to bring HER here! 

BC: Smellie called ME a dumbass, but let me tell you that HER ass is way dumber than mine! No one messes with Bear Cat and gets away with ... OW! 
BC: Did I mention that I'm the shark?! Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
{Momma doesn't hear anything for a few minutes}
BC: {sounding like he's getting closer} I call it the sister diet! Get a sister ... she follows and chases you around ... she's always in your food ... lose weight! BADA-BOOM! I should market that diet mainstream! Write a book entitled , "The Cat-kin's Diet." You get it? Cat kin's diet. Kin being relative ... like a sister. That's catchier than, "The Sister Diet." I'd totally have enough money to buy a conglomerate of tasty whole chicken farms! I also developed the yucky food diet. Well, okay, I had Momma's help. She switched one of our kibble bowls over to a new food ... and peeeeeeeeee-yew ... it was NASTY. Not even Smellie would eat it. And she's a garbage disposal. But don't tell Momma that I admitted there was anything good about having a sister. She's mostly a pain in the ass and won't shut up!
MK: {mumbling to herself back in the exam room} He never shuts up.
{The exam room door opens, the tech places Bear in Momma's lap, then leaves the room}
BC: Holy vole-y, that one's a talker! She's a woman too! Not that a couple women are a sufficient data set ... but the data points are promising thus far. Don't tell The Boy he's right though ... I'd never live that down. 
{By now, you kind of get how this is going ... if you have a headache, Momma knows EXACTLY how you feel. We'll spare you the last half of Bear's "diarrhea of the mouth" and skip to the results: Bear is healthy. His blood tests were normal ... and neither he nor Ellie tested positive for worms ... all in all, a good vet visit. Fast forward to a couple hours later when Momma lays down for a nap ... Bear walks in and goes to the food bowl ...}
MK: Here, Bear! Have you forgiven me yet?!? Come snuggle with me.
BC: {stops eating} I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bug.
{Bear moves closer to Momma ... but just out of her reach}

MK: {trying to reach Bear to pet him} Just a few inches more ... will pet you ... will reach ... huh!? Uh oh!
{Momma hears snickering around the corner}
BC: I TOLD you she'd be so desperate for me to forgive her that she'd fall out of bed trying to reach me! Okay, pay up you two! That's fifty dollars each!  And everyone thought nothing good would come out of my visit to the vet!
BC: RATS! I'm never going to that horrible place ever again!

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  1. Oh gosh, I just hate the whole chicken stuck in the nose thing. No fun at all!

    Sadly my assistant has no sisters - otherwise that sister diet might work for her. But seriously, I'm sorry you had such a rough day - hoping for no more trips to the vet for a very long time.

    1. Me TOO! Then again, if Ellie keeps it up, SHE might end up at the vet sooner than later ;) ~Bear Cat

  2. Bear...I have been known to utter this too: "If the vet kills me, I'll haunt you for the rest of your life! Did I mention that I hate this tiny carrier?!? I hate the sun! I hate the road! I hate this car! I hate this seat! I hate the radio! I hate the music on the radio that you listen to. I hate your singing to the music on the radio!" You are too funny sorry to MOL at your expense but OH me have I had to say all this way too much lately. Well from June-Aug now we have things under control
    Hugs madi your bfff

    1. We're so glad you're doing better, Madi. There should be some mandatory minimum time frame between visits. And if your body disagrees ... tough!

  3. Bear, every time you say, "I love you, Momma!", I just melt! You are a great big creampuff!

    1. Momma melts too ... I know what I'm doing ;) ~Bear Cat

  4. Bear, I feel your pain all the way, dude. I just got back from my own Stabby Place visit today. Never fun. - Toby

    1. We hope you're okay, Toby! And your poor Mom too!

  5. Bear, I enjoyed your Vet visit much more than I ever enjoyed mine!

    1. It's always better when it's happening to someone else! ~Bear Cat

  6. Hope you eventually found the piece of chicken. In the good news dept. it'll be a long while before you have to revisit the vet. 😊

  7. It is just horrible going to the vet, so we all feel your pain. But glad you are all healthy. Guess you told everyone how you felt which is a good thing. You all have a wonderful week end.

    1. It's always better when it's happening to someone else! ~Bear Cat

  8. Bear, it sounds as if you and the vet tech are now fast friends, either that or she was wearing earplugs, or maybe she is now earless 'cause you talked her ears off. What do you mean, we aren't making any sense? We'll put our eight cents up against your's any day. MOL! Glad to hear that you are in good health and survived your most terrible ordeal. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

    1. Momma wears ear plug sometimes ... I can't imagine why!!! ~Bear Cat

  9. I am glad you survived your terrible ordeal, Bear. Hopefully that's it for another year.

  10. "Why did you stop?!?!" Bear, you kill me!!! MOL After all that I'm very happy to hear you were pronounced purrfectly healthy!

    1. I know! Can you believe how talkative the humans are?!? I mean ... SHEESH! A cat can't get a word in edgewise. Of course, it's not so bad when they're telling me how handsome I am or how perfect I am. But I'm telling you ... Momma should've TOTALLY run over the fool who ran in front of our car. ~Bear Cat

  11. Bear, I think you actually found a sympathetic ear in that vet tech. She was willing to listen to your home woes. It's very good news that you are healthy! I like your loaf in that last pic. :)

    1. The Boy says I look like a furry meatloaf. HMPH! Then again, he's with my Momma ... so you know ... ~Bear Cat

  12. Oh gosh, all I could think of as Bear chattered on was my stepson....when he was young he was such a talker! The back seat of the car was never quiet. Thank goodness we never had to take him to the doctor! LOL
    PS...we're so glad Bear got a clean bill of health!

    1. I love Bear and Ellie ... but sometimes I don't mind peace and quiet. Ellie's the talker at home.

  13. Having to go to the vet and listen to dogs bark is definitely abuse Bear and if your Momma sings anything like me than that is abuse too :) I am glad you are healthy. XO

    1. I should TOTALLY turn her in!!! As soon as I wrap The Boy around my little claw ... ;) ~Bear Cat

  14. OMB Bear cat what a day you had!Do you know the I love going to the vets?I have such a great time and they all love me,xx Speedy

  15. Poor Bear, what an awful day ! We're glad to know your healthy (and safe !) ! Purrs

    1. I know! She could've at least given me a couple tasty whole chickens! ~Bear Cat

  16. Whoa, what a crazy day you had, Bear! For whatever reason, the parts about stopping for the red lights made us laugh out loud!

    1. And we are glad you got a good checkup! :)

    2. I'm more important than some stupid red light! ~Bear Cat

  17. Bear! Queen Penelope used to sing the songs of our people at the vet, but she LOVED car rides. I Marvelous, have not been for one since I left Tehran to come here to Vancouver, Mommy says she will take me for a ride, but she has not yet.
    I wonder if I will Talk or sing?
    I am glad you are healthy and have no worms.
    PS I am especially glad you made your mom fall out of bed....tee hee...

    1. Revenge is sweet!! We know Nellie's looking out for you, Marv - so you have nothing to fear. We promise! ~Bear Cat

  18. Oooh you know that that earned you $100 that visit... Hmm I reckon you are short. Not you but cash wise I think you should have another $200 owing from the prior visits. Loss of earnings there, you could take a cash hand out in lieu or settle out of court for tasty chickens!
    I'm available for consults 24/7. Thats 24 minutes out of every 7 days MOL
    Toodle pip and purrs

    1. 24/7 ... hahahahaha. We like your definition, Erin. Sounds about right for a cat of your distinction! ~Bear Cat

  19. Bear! I would NEVER imagine you would be a "scaredy-cat" at the Vet! I'm not! I don't "sing the song of my people" in the car either! I don't love the Vet but I am super good there! And...Mom thinks I am fat (I am around 11 ish pounds) but you are 13? you are a BIG boy!! Hehehe!! Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

    1. 13.5 to be exact! I'm tired of The Boy heckling me about it! Like HE has room to talk! ~Bear Cat

  20. AMARULA: Bear! What is this about you losing weight! I don't want to lose one inch of that manly Bearness-- Eat Bear Eat (even if you have to take a few bites outta that furball you-know-who!)

  21. Brulee does great on the way to the vet and in the vet's office. Truffle usually sings to Mom Paula the entire way. However, she was a little angel in her new violet Sleepypod a couple of weeks a go. We hope you got some good treats for putting up with that tiny carrier and the vet.

    1. Maybe violet is calming?! I'd love to have a SleepyPod for Bear!

  22. Oh Bear you poor poor baby you. We hate da V E T place. But, there's no way in this or any other universe they're takin' us outta mommy's sight. Why 'zactly can't they give your vaccs and steal your bloods in da same room with your mommy? Somethin' smells fishy there and it ain't food. We're glad you're all healthy and things are fine. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

  23. I agree with your momma. Good thing you don't have a license, Bear! Glad everything checked out well at the vet! Hopefully you don't have to go back anytime soon.

    1. I hope not! Having a license might be fun ... especially if I wait for the vet to get off ... ~Bear Cat

  24. Smellie - MOL! Oh Bear, I totally can sympathize with you about going to the V-E-T! They are vampires that only want our bloods, 'cause they know it's a magic elixir of life! They want to steal our identities, too, I suspect! You put up a good protest - grr-eat effort! There is just too many of them & not enough of us! Tee hee hee!

    1. They're GOING DOWN next time! I swear. And yes, I said that last time too ;) ~Bear Cat