Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Bear's [beyond] bad day

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: {ears perking up} Huh?!? Momma just went into the kitchen!!!
{Pause as Bear runs to the kitchen}
BC: Wet food treat time! Wet food TREAT time! WET food treat time! Wet FOOD treat time! Wet food treat TIME! WET FOOD TREAT TIME!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Come on, Momma! Open the door!!!!! I'm starvatating! Bear's big belly beckons!

{Momma opens the pantry door}
BC: FEED ME! FEED BEAR'S BIG BELLY!!! FEED ME! Bear's big belly begs for bread! Feed me now or I'll  ...
{A loaf of bread falls off the top shelf of the pantry and lands close to Bear}
BC: {running one way ... then another ... } AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! It's after me! It's after me!!! 

BC: {still running} Gotta get away! It's going to eat me! My poor luscious loins will be torn from my bones!! Bear's big belly beat, besieged, bombarded, brutalized! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!! Block Bear's big belly from being brutalized!
EM: Dumbass.
{Bear stops ... looks both directions for his attacker ... meanwhile huffing and puffing}

MK: Bear! It was only a loaf of bread.
BC: "ONLY" a loaf of bread?!? "ONLY?!?!" It's ONLY a loaf of bread until some cat gets hurt. Let me tell you ... I won't be that cat!
EM: Remember when you said, "Bear's big belly begs for bread!" Well, a loaf of bread answered your call!
BC: That heathen almost catcaked me!!! That was close!
EM: Oh, for ... it was BREAD! NOT cake! It almost catbreaded you! Your belly begged for bread, remember?
BC: That's ridiculous! I beg for tasty whole chickens but that doesn't mean I want to encounter one in a dark alley! Since when did inanimate objects live-a-tate?!
EM: That's not even a word!
BC: I think I'd know if it was a fake word!
EM: Starvatate isn't a real word either.
BC: Starvatation ... starving MORE than starvation. 
EM: MORE starving? That doesn't even make sense! You're either starving or you're not!
BC: WHO CARES!?!? I almost DIED ... and all you can think about is if I'm using real words?!?!
EM: Don't you think that's just a BIT ...
{Both cats perk up}
EM: Uh oh. Momma's got the toothbrush.
BC: {turning to run} BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EM: {running to the cat tree corner to hide} OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!!
BC: {a few steps behind} RATS! RATS! RATS! MOVE!

EM: {shrinking into the place Momma can't reach} I was here first!
BC: I showed you this spot! 
BC: {sprinting as he hears Momma walk closer} BYE!
MK: {grabbing Bear} Got you.
BC: Damn Smellie! She takes MY spot. The one I showed her! And I get pinched instead! 
MK: Don't worry, Bear. She's next.
BC: I hate having a sister! She stole my "Momma can't reach me" spot and now I'll get my teeth brushed and my chin washed ... {GASP} ...
{Pause}
BC: THE CLAW CLIPPERS!!!
EM: {from the hiding spot in the cat tree corner} BETTER YOU THAN ME! Up YOURS!
BC: Shut up, Smellie! This is your fault! I'VE BEEN SCREWED! By a GIRL! That's NOT a tortie! AGAIN!!!
{Fast forward past the "torture" of both cats ... past the wet food treat ...to a couple hours later ... Bear's in the litter box}
BC: GRRRRRR ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... She's once!
{PLOP!}
BC: Twice!
{PLOP!} 
BC: THREE TIMES A TORTIE ... 
{PLOP!}
BC: And I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVE YOU!!!
EM: That's just gross. 
BC: {startled} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You scared the ... the ...
EM: Poop?!
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, the poop was already out ... so you couldn't really have scared the poop out of me ... but that seems like splitting furs.
EM: You poop to music!
BC: WHAT?!?! Humans read! 
EM: You think about torties when you poop?!
BC: Phht. I think about torties ALL. DAY. My tortie fantasies know no bounds. When I'm sleeping ... when I'm NOT sleeping ... when I'm eating ... when I'm NOT eating ... when I'm ... {Bear looks around} Where are you going!?! You're walking away in the middle of my soliloquy!

BC: PSST!
{Silence}
BC: PSST!!!!!!
{Silence}
BC: {whispering loudly} SMELLIE NEIGH!!! PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!
EM: {speaking normally} My name is ELLIE MAE.
BC: {whispering loudly} SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Hmph. THAT'S debatable ... you smell and you are as large as a horse. 
EM: {speaking normally} Like YOU have room to talk! At least I don't look like a furry meatloaf!
BC: {whispering loudly} SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm just FLUFFY!
EM: {speaking normally} Whatever you need to tell yourself ...
BC: Hmm ... you smell like a horse too!
EM: {speaking normally} Do you ever ...
BC: {speaking normally} SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering loudly} RATS!!! Are you trying to screw me over for the 693,314th time?!? Just TODAY?!?! I mean, if you were a tortie, that'd be one thing ... ooh ... TORTIES ... Spank me, sassy girl! Spank me ...
EM: Bear?!?
BC: Tell me I've been a bad boy ...
EM: YOU'VE BEEN A BAD BOY!
BC: Yes, I ... HUH?!? Ellie?!? You ruined everything! I was ...
EM: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!! You're the one that called me here! What's wrong?
BC: Do you see that?
EM: Momma's scooping our litter box?
BC: No! Look! I just pooped and now she's putting my poop in a seal-able plastic bag!
EM: Who would want to keep THAT?!?
BC: HEY! Don't insult my poop! I'll have you know my poop isn't any more poop-y than YOUR poop!
EM: Ummmm ...
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! It sounded better in my head.
EM: Maybe you should take a hint and keep most of your thoughts in your head.
BC: Do you mind?!? I might be facing a life-threatening catastrophe and all you can do is insult me?!?!
EM: Momma scoops our litter boxes several times a day. What's the big deal?!?!
BC: She's putting MY poop in a plastic bag instead of in the litter waste thingy. A few hours ago, she clipped my claws and brushed my fur - obtaining quite the luxurious sample of my bodily substances. Now my poop?!?!? Where does it end? She's STEALING my poop!
EM: Do you want it back?
BC: WHAT?!? NO! I DON'T want it back! That's not the point! Something's a-paw!
EM: "A-paw?" 
BC: Like a-foot ... only for a cat!
EM: I'm sorry for asking.
BC: What could she want with my poop?!?
EM: {thinking to herself} Hmmm ... the carrier is out ... clipping claws, brushing teeth ... poop in a bag ... some cat's going to the vet! But it's not MY poop she stole ... I mean KEPT. Hahahahahahahaha. Part of me wants to tell him right now to see his reaction ... but if I can just wait a little longer, I'll get a front row seat to him finding out what's up! 
{Fast forward to the next day}
MK: Where's my handsome boy?!?
EM: {running to where Bear and Momma are} It must be time. This is gonna be good! 
BC: Can't you tell I'm sleeping here?!?!
{Momma grabs Bear}
BC: HUH!?! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!! I don't want to snuggle! I want to be left ... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!
MK: It's okay, Bear. No one's going to hurt ...
BC: {seeing that he and Momma are walking toward the carrier} @#$! *%^$ $*#^% $&^!!!
EM: OH! That's a good one! What does "$*#^%" mean?
{Momma closes the door to the carrier}
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! She's killing me! She's killing me!!! {Bear starts rocking the carrier from side to side} LET. ME. OUT. I can't breathe! My ... my ... oh, HELL! My most important body part is hurting!
EM: "Most important body part?"
BC: Oh, ^&*@ *!@@&! YOU try to think when you're shoved in a tiny box!
EM: Wasn't that part removed years ago? No more kittens for you!
BC: LEAVE MY BOY PARTS OUT OF THIS! I'm more MAN than you'll ever ...
EM: SOME cat's going to the vet.
BC: {Bear keeps rocking the carrier from side to side} Bite the *&!^% and stick it where *&+$$ the =$##! I'll be back and you'll pay!
EM: Hehehehehe.
BC: YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS!!! $*#^% the *%^$  and $&^!!! LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!! SMELLIE! MOMMA!! DUMBNUTS! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: Not very smart to insult people when you're asking for help!
BC: I don't need help! YOU need help!
MK: Okay, time to go, Bear!
EM: Tell the vet "HI" for me!!!
BC: ^&*@ *!@@& Makes sense that you two would meet in hell! I hate all of you!!! I'm never forgiving any of you either! This is the LAST ...
{Momma shuts the front door}
EM: Listen to that! Silence! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  So much excitement in one day. I should re-scent all our toys ... lay in all his favorite spots ... eat out of his food bowl ...
{Pause}
EM: Nah. The WHOLE POINT is him seeing me do those things. Ooooh! These are Daddy's clothes! {Looking around} No one's here to know the difference.
{Pause}
EM: Time for my nap.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

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42 comments:

  1. Poor Bear! First attacked by vicious bread and then sister-mocked and then... Then.... The Stabby Place! We feel your pain.

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  2. Oh no, Bear, not the PTU! I hope they don't stab you too many times at the V-E-T. Sending you lots of luck!

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  3. Dang Bear, I hope your trip isn't as bad as you think it will be pal. Ellie Mae will stop laughing...eventually!

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    1. She better ... or she'll need to visit the vet when I get through with her! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Seriously, Bear...that loaf of bread coulda flattened a wee kitty like you! Here's hoping the v-e-t only has wonderful things to say about you!

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    1. EXACTLY! I'm not fragile or anything ... but at just the right angle ... I shudder to think of the consequences! ~Bear Cag

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  5. dood....we can see why thiz waz a day frum hell, claw clipperz teeth brushez
    vizshuz bread...witha see krit laff at de commint made bye ellie bout sum onez
    ass bee in dum !!! ~~~~~ ☺☺☺♥♥♥

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    1. Hmph. Her ass is even dumber than mine! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Poor Bear, I have a feeling things are going to get worst.

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    1. WHAT?!? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?!!? I'm the last to hear everything! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Oh MeOW Bear, we're so sory you're havin' to go the VET. We do hope and purray all is well. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. I had to go to the vet TWICE in the last six months just because of stupid Ellie! This time was my yearly wellness exam though ... but I can blame it on her just because. THREE times in six months. ~Bear Cat

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  8. Oh Bear I send kitty kisses and purrs. I had a bout back in mid summer. Mom says we spent more time at the vet than home almost
    Hugs madi and mom

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    1. I had to go to the vet TWICE in the last six months just because of stupid Ellie! This time was my yearly wellness exam though ... but I can blame it on her just because. THREE times in six months. ~Bear Cat

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  9. Oh no! Stealing your poop doesn't sound good. Next thing you know you'll be having things prodded where the sun don't shine. Hope you are okay and it is just a check up.

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    1. Let me tell you, the vet is lucky he moved before I did or something would've prodded HIM where the sun don't shine! ~Bear Cat

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  10. Oh boy, that's about as bad as a day can get! Next time bread attacks you, it might be best to just go into hiding immediately, Bear Cat!

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  11. OMC! When Ellie Mae says "Dumbass" I laughed out loud. Bear, Real Cat Paisley says she'll spank you real good :)

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    1. My Momma spit out her drink when she read the last half of your comment. This is a serious matter! ~Bear Cat
      ps - Momma laughed at the "dumbass" part too.

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  12. Bear, take it from me, bread is good. Next time it falls, just rip open the bag with your teeth and dig in. You'll love it!
    Love,
    Lexy

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    1. Erm ... I'll take your word for it. Unless they start making tuna bread ... ~Bear Cat

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  13. Oh, no. Bear, brace yourself. Something wicked your way may come. xo

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    1. It did! And let me tell you, the vet is lucky he moved before I did or something wicked his way might've come! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Bear, that really is a horrible day. Actually, I think it was two days. Chin washing, nail trimming bread attacking and going to the vet. Egads!

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    1. And don't forget Ellie! Having a sister is the WORST part! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Replies
    1. Whenever foul things are afoot - you can be sure a vet is involved! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Poor Bear, off to the vet. Good luck Bear, hope it isn't too bad.

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    Replies
    1. I'm healthy (knock on wood), so Momma breathes a huge sigh of relief!

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  17. Nail trimming, poop stealing, teeth brushing, bread falling - Oh Bear, you have had a horrible day! Hopefully, you get some tasty whole chickens to ease your pain and suffering!

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    1. Phht. Not likely. I'll give you my address though ;) ~Bear Cat

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  18. AMARULA: How dare they try to lock you up!! Bear give me your address and I will be right over to free you! No one should ever imprison those luscious loins of yours!

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    1. I'm a hardened criminal now. The things I've seen! You like "bad boys," right?!? ~Bear Cat

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  19. That sounds like an awful day ! Purrs

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    1. It's always better when it's happening to someone else! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Bear, you have the smallest "big" belly we have ever seen. Have you checked out Cooper Murphy lately? Boy, we sure are sorry about the vet visit. Hope it wasn't too awful! XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    1. Hmph. You tell The Boy that! He calls me fat ALL. THE. TIME. How rude! Doesn't he know to never comment on a Princess' weight?!? Even a male one?!? ~Bear Cat

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  21. Bear, what a day! First you're attacked by bread and then whisked off to the vet. Ugh!!!

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