Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Tasty whole fickens

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

BC: {sitting in front of the closed pantry door} Let me in!!!

{Pause}
BC: I mean it! This is your LAST chance you stupid pantry door!

{Pause}
BC: That's IT! Now I'm REALLY mad!!! Prepare to be smashed into doorlets!
{Pause}
BC: OPEN SESAME! I know you have all manners of feline goodness in there!

{Pause}
BC: One ... two ... NINETY-TWO ... CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!
{THUNK}
BC: Oww.
{Pause}
BC: You're going to regret messing with Bear Cat Kat, you insolent door! Don't make my Momma break you down! 
{Pause}
BC: MoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmMMA!

{Pause}
BC: Last chance, you imbecilic door! Open up or my Momma will open her can of whoop-a$$ doughnut butt on you. I'm telling you that not even heaven will stop my Momma's wrath when I'm mistreated!

{Pause}
BC: MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAA!
MK: {walking into the kitchen} What's wrong, Bear?
BC: This stupid pantry door is mocking me. I've told it to open several times and it's ignoring me!!!

MK: For the last time, you can't sit in front of a door and expect it to open for you.
BC: Phht. The bathroom door opens on my command!
MK: That might have something to do with your fourteen pounds of furry fury knocking into the door.
BC: I tried that! I even gave it ONE HUNDRED pounds of furry fury and it didn't open!

MK: Bear, the bathroom door swings into the bathroom so you can bang into it and it will open in to the bathroom. The pantry door opens the other way - so pushing into it won't open it.
BC: You did that on purpose so I couldn't get in there! I demand you fix the door. Or add a cat flap.
MK: No.
BC: I know you keep the tasty whole chickens in there! 
MK: Bear, you nose around in the pantry all the time. Don't you think you would've seen them by now?

BC: I can't reach the top shelf! I bet they're up there!
MK: Bear, if there were tasty whole chickens in there, you'd hear them!
BC: {GASP} You have them gagged!
MK: This is ridiculous!
BC: So you admit it!
MK: What?!?!
BC: You gag the tasty whole chickens so I don't know they're there.
MK: Bear, you've broken down the bathroom door - actually, every door in this house - trying to find tasty whole chickens!
BC: You move them around!
MK: Bear, you pushed into the bathroom and scared The Boy when he was in there.
BC: He couldn't have been more scared than I was traumatized at seeing him without pants!
MK: Bear ...
BC: But to be fair, I did it more than once. A little birdie told me your tasty whole chickens were in the bathtub! 

{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... how did YOU know about that? You were cooking dinner in the kitchen! The Boy ratted me out!
MK: Bear, he didn't have to tell me.
BC: I KNEW IT! 
MK: {sigh} What?
BC: You have eyes in the back of your head! And the SIDE of your head. {GASP} And in The Boy's head! And my head! What kind of voodoo are you up to? No wonder you always keep the tasty whole chickens two steps ahead of me!

MK: Bear, there are NO tasty whole chickens around here!
BC: Why do we have a chicken cannon if we don't have any chickens?
MK: We don't have a chicken cannon, Bear.
BC: WHAT?!?! We don't? Why not?
MK: Because we don't have any chickens!
BC: SHEESH! Any self-respecting cat has a chicken cannon! 
{Pause}
BC: Though, I guess a bazooka is ALMOST as sufficient.

MK: I can't even talk to you.
BC: {GASP} Wait a ... you made eggs for The Boy yesterday for breakfast!
MK: So?
BC: Chickens come from eggs. He's STEALING my chickens!
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: He eats the eggs before they hatch! If he wasn't here to eat them, I'd have a farm full of tasty whole chickens by now.
MK: Bear, that's not the way it ...
BC: He's stealing my chickens from right under my nose! And he gives me bacon in his attempt to obfuscate his treachery.

MK: Just when I thought this conversation couldn't get any weirder.
BC: THE BOY IS STEALING MY TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS AND YOU'RE NOT STOPPING HIM!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Hand over the bazooka! I'm taking matters into my own paws!
MK: We don't have a bazooka, Bear! And even if we did, you're not going to shoot The Boy with it.
BC: Phht. You're no fun. 
MK: Thank you.
BC: If we had a bazooka, could I shoot the closed pantry door with it?
MK: Who cares?!?! WE DON'T HAVE A BAZOOKA!!!
BC: Sheesh. Aren't YOU just a bit grumpy today! It's like someone is stealing YOUR tasty whole chickens from right under your nose.
MK: NO ONE IS STEALING YOUR CHICKENS!
The Boy: {walking into the room} What's going ...
BC: I HATE YOU!

The Boy: That's a record.
BC: Where are my chickens?

The Boy: What chickens?
BC: Don't play stupid with ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... you don't have to PLAY stupid ... you ARE stupid. RATS! I'm going to have to figure out how to make you understand.

The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Big birds! FLIGHTLESS big birds. They lay eggs and peck around for stuff.
The Boy: What about them?
BC: WHERE ARE THEY?
The Boy: I'm a little confused ...
BC: Why am I NOT surprised?
The Boy: What do they sound like?
BC: {starting to strut around the room like a chicken} Bu-GAWK! Cluck cluck. GAWK!!!
The Boy: Hahahahahaha.
BC: Why are you laughing at ...
{Pause}
BC: You tricked me into imitating a chicken!
The Boy: It was pretty funny too!
BC: {in a mocking voice} It was pretty funny too! I'm a mean, mean Boy that likes to steal sweet little kitty cats' Mommas! I move in and take over everything! I eat sweet little kitty cats' tasty whole chickens and refuse to share!
The Boy: That's not fair! I share my chicken with you. And you usually refuse to eat it.
BC: WHAT?!?!?
The Boy: Last night! I had chicken and rice and I gave you a piece of chicken!


BC: That wasn't chicken! It was ... umm ... umm ... ficken!
The Boy: What the heck is that? 
BC: Err ... fake chicken! NO! FICTIONAL chicken!
MK: Hmm. You mean you're looking for tasty whole fickens?
BC: NO!
MK: It seems to me that if you're hunting for tasty whole chickens that DON'T EXIST - they're FICTIONAL. So they're fickens.
{Silence}
The Boy: She got you there.
BC: WHO ASKED YOU? You're the one that started this by mentioning you'd given me chicken.
The Boy: I DID give you chicken and you didn't eat it.
BC: It wasn't tasty and it wasn't whole! Therefore, it wasn't real chicken!
The Boy: It was tasty! I ate it! Maybe you should appreciate what you have.
BC: Phht. Appreciating what one has just makes one feel better about not having what one wants. You should know! You're stupid - but yet you still don't appreciate the little intelligence you have!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
The Boy: No, YOU don't appreciate the little intelligence that I have.
MK: You don't have little intelligence!
BC: That's right! He has NONE!
The Boy: Aren't we talking about chickens?
BC: Are you admitting you have a bird brain?
MK: BEAR CAT KAT! If I have to use your full name ONE MORE TIME ...
BC: I'm sorry, Momma.
MK: Apologize to The Boy.
BC: Why should I apologize? He's the one that's stealing MY tasty whole chickens and trying to substitute ficken like I won't notice!
MK: Bear!
BC: I'm sorry, Dumbnuts.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm sorry.
The Boy: {reaching down to pick Bear up} Cuddles?
BC: {jumping down} Don't push it. Touch me again and I'll ...

MK: BEAR!
BC: {to The Boy} Just a warning ... she's in a REALLY bad mood today!

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46 comments:

  1. Why must silly humans insist on hiding the tasty whole chickens from such deserving kitties as you, Bear? Animal cruelty, that's what that is! Call in the ASPCA!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Erm ... I called them already and they hung up on me! Something about chickens requiring protection too ... I don't get it. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Oooh I say, Finger Chicken Ficken Good.... or NOT. As they say, Bear, accept NO substitute. Mind you, you could, until the REAL chicken breaks cover, instruct the boy to let you taste test all the Ficken chicken, for science sake of course and the pursuit of your Tasty Chickenology Diploma?
    Purrs, ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know how much longer I can wait! I'm ALMOST starving!!! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. The mom has eyes in.. in... The Boy's head ?? What the fluff? That's awfully unfair.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bear, seriously pal, she does keep whole chickens in the pantry!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brian! Don't tell him that, man! Bear will be clawing me every time I go to the pantry!
      -The Boy

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    2. I KNOW! My treats ... the wand toy ... TWC ... I tell you! The pantry is where it's at! I need a ladder. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. dood....just sayin but fake chkcn, hole chckn, false chckn, half a chckn,
    fictional, factual, fried, diced, barbie qued, baked, ore micro waved; itz still
    a bass terd chckn..... in R book ☺☺☺☺☺☺♥♥♥ hope yur still knot on momz &!^# list ☺☺ !!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One day, us cats will prevail and we won't have to deal with anymore clucking smug chickens! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. Bear I HATE closed doors....dang it I feel your frustration!!
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They mock us, don't they?!?! "Hahahaha. You can't open us! Hahahaha." Just ONCE I'd like to teach a door a lesson! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Oh Bear, you and the MK are just so funny. Guess there aren't any whole chickens there, Bear. You sure are a handsome cat. Love all your pictures. You all have a good day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! We're so glad you enjoy our posts. I know I'm handsome, but my Momma needs reminding - so thank you for that! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. AMARULA: I would share my whole tasty chickens with you anytime Bear! (Give the Boy a bite on the ankle for me!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot! Do you know how many scars I have already from just attempting to give "good morning" ear scratches to Bear?
      -The Boy

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    2. He touches me! And just because I'm an overachiever like my Momma, I'll add a few bonus ankle bites in there too ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. Bear, ALL closed doors are sassy! We don't really like chicken either but now I get it. It's because it wasn't tasty whole chicken. Thanks for pointing that out. It's just ficken otherwise.

    I love all your expressions in your pictures. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you :) Closed doors mock us, don't they?!?! "Hahahaha. You can't open us! Hahahaha." Just ONCE I'd like to teach a door a lesson! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. Bear, Grizelda is right there with you. She loves "meat & cheeses"...chicken, yes. Count her in. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  11. fake or fictional chickens, "fickens" lmao!!! Bear, if the tasty whole chickens were on the shelf in the pantry they would be spoiled silly kitty!!! Bear, come to our house, we have a tasty whole chicken thawing in the fridge for later in the week! Come on over! xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bear, in this summer heat, you would smell those tasty whole chickens in the pantry :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... Momma should let me in just in case ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. We hate closed doors, especially those where the treats are located

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They mock us, don't they?!?! "Hahahaha. You can't open us! Hahahaha." Just ONCE I'd like to teach a door a lesson! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  14. Real Cat Paisley wants to know, "Where can a cat pick up a chicken cannon for cheap? I don't have much cash, but I'm highly motivated!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Highly motivated = formidable tortie. When I get one, I will definitely share ... and I'll keep my eye out for a deal! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. Jan from Wag 'N Woof Pets has whole chickens. I'm not sure she'd let you eat them though. I have to say, I did almost spit food when you called The Boy, Dumb Nuts. Thanks for the chuckle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We love those chickens! Just for different reasons ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  16. Trust me...if there WERE whole chickens, you'd know it. Never a moments piece with those fluttering things. 😇 [they rarely fly, Bear-just saying]

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hey Bear,
    I feel your pain regarding the pantry door. What you need is a feline in the house like Lily. Lily is very petite and has tiny paws but she is very strong. We have her slide her little paw under any door or between the wall and the screen for the slider and she'll pull and work it until it opens. She once let us all out on the upstairs deck while the humans were gone and she can wiggle that pantry door until it opens like magic. Don't let those humans try and fool you with any more "ficken"
    Purrs & Head Bonks <
    Alberto

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RATS! I need a tiny sister!!! Err ... uh oh. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  18. We've had some of dat ficken befur Bear. We gotta tell ya' you're so right. There's nuffin' tasty 'bout it. Who do they think we are tryin' to pull off canned and chuncks as chicken. We all know it comes on a leg or a breast. We like da breast da bestest. We don't have a pantry, but we're purretty sure da door's da sme as all da other ones. ya' just gotta jump up and turn dat knob. And, voila' it'll open in no time. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a long boy so I can reach that stupid knob ... I just haven't figured out how to turn it yet! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  19. Bear, our new foster cat Lion seems to know how to open anything. He's already mastered the cabinets and drawers. I saw him reaching for the door handle the other day. I'll ask him if he has any tips for you and the pantry!

    ReplyDelete
  20. We are impressed you figured out where the tasty whole chickens were really going, Bear Cat, or what was stopping them from coming at all! The boy could at least leave ONE egg to hatch every once in a while!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Bear,
    Should you need some pantry/door/window opening lessons I would be happy to help with a few lessons. These humans think that we are helpless because we lack opposable thumbs, I have proven them wrong on several occasions!
    Purrs & Head Bonks from your door opening friend,
    Lily

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need your wisdom, Lily! Alberto said you were a master-ess when it comes to forced entry! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  22. Bear, I see the dryer down the hall in one of your photos. Maybe the tasty whole chickens are kept in their to stay warm, so they'll come out just right for your mealtime? I hear the wee chics like to keep toasty so they can grow into big chickens! Nom nom! I can't believe The Boy was trying to feed you false chicken when the real stuff may be down the hall!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That thing makes a ton of noise! But without effort, there is no reward ... COURAGE HO! ~Bear Cat

      Delete