Friday, May 12, 2017

Could've just stayed home

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: {walking in the front door with The Boy} That was a lot of fun!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! I'm glad you're home! Pet me! PET ME! YAAAAAAYYY!!! 
The Boy: You look happy to see me, B ...
BC: Momma's home!!! Momma's home! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE my Momma! ... err ... 
{Pause}
BC: {seeing The Boy} Oh. 
{Pause}
BC: {to The Boy} YOU! 

BC: {ignoring The Boy} But ... MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA MoooooooooooooMmmma! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... not again! RATS! 
{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} Self control, Bear! SELF CONTROL! One doesn't buy the chow when the milk is free.
MK: You mean buy the COW.
BC: By what cow? Like you ever make sense!
{Pause}
BC: {turning around so he's facing away from Momma and The Boy} Phht. Whatev'.

BC: {mumbling to himself} Don't need THEM ... show them ... HA!
MK: SEE! I told you that if we wanted to spend the day staring at an animal's butt, we could've just stayed home!
BC: Hmmm. I hear mosquitoes! BUZZZZZZZZZZ. {Bear flicks his ears}.

The Boy: Hahahaha. Yeah, the capybara was not feeling social.
BC: HEY! Who's Cap-pee-bear-a? {GASP} You didn't get ANOTHER cat, did you? My days as an only child are over! I'll have to ... to ... I can barely spit out the detestable word ... SHARE. Bear doesn't SHARE. What's mine is mine! And what isn't mine is mine too! You might think by putting "bear" in the other joker's name, we're comparable ... but we're not! I broke the mold when I was born! 
The Boy: More like it was broken when it was obvious what a pain in the behind you are!
BC: I bet my behind is much cuter than Cap-pee-bear-a's. 
MK: As if The Boy and I don't spend the majority of our lives staring at your butt!



BC: Phht. The torties of the world would kill for that view! Shake my butt just a little ...
The Boy: Hahahahahahahaha. He's full of himself.
MK: Full of something anyway.
BC: And don't you forget it!

MK: I thought you were ignoring us.
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I don't hear a thing! Nope. 
{Pause}
MK: Bear ...
BC: Who are you? I've never seen you before. Nope. You're certainly not my REAL MOMMA.

The Boy: If we wanted to spend the day being ignored by a furry creature, we could've just stayed home.
MK: Hahahaha.
The Boy: At least the alligator acknowledged us.
BC: Phht. As FAT NOMS!
The Boy: "Hey, Larry. Good to see you again. Dur dur dur. Who knew we'd both end up in Saint Louis?"
BC: WHAT?!?!
The Boy: He's not ignoring us!

BC: RATS!
MK: The Boy's from Florida, so he joked that he met the alligator before. His alligator impression was hilarious.
BC: The only thing about The Boy that's hilarious is the way he looks.
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: Bear's just as lazy, fat, and lumpy as that sleepy hyena. Or the hippos!
MK: If we wanted to see a blob of fur bump on a log, we could've just stayed home!

The Boy: This is a fun game. How about ... if we wanted to smell weapons grade excrement, we could have just stayed home! No need for elephants.
BC: Like your poop doesn't stink! Wait a ... you were looking at other cats!
MK: No. We spent the day at the zoo. It was fun. Though we saw a pretty majestic tiger.
BC: Phht. If you wanted to see a majestic tiger, you could've stayed home.
The Boy: But we don't have a majestic tiger! All we have is a scared-y cat.
BC: Why ... I ... YOU!!!!
MK: And guess what? We saw a baby elephant! He was so cute!
BC: If you wanted cute, you could've stayed home. You have it right here! {Bear wiggles his tail}.
The Boy: "Cute" isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe you.
BC: Ferocious? Handsome? Fearless?
The Boy: If we're talking about the tiger.
BC: WHAT?!?! Who asked YOU?

The Boy: You did!
BC: I did no ... oh, crap! I had a moment of insanity.
The Boy: A moment? Just a moment? I've seen you run around here with the crazies like your tail's on fire!
BC: And what would you do if your tail was on fire?

The Boy: Ummm ... Your Momma's right, the baby elephant was really cute.
BC: Phht. That elephant is no match for me. I'm cute AND sexy! I bet I could show him what's what.
MK: A baby elephant is pretty big, Bear. You'd end up as a cat cake.
BC: Phht. If I've survived in 3D in the midst of YOUR doughnut butt, an elephant should be no problem. I'll take him! And his big elephants too!

The Boy: Hahahahahaha ... {seeing Momma's look} ... err, it's not true, but it is kind of funny. Surviving in 3D versus being flat.
MK: If you saw an elephant - you'd be under the bed!
BC: Phht. I've encountered scarier things in my life.
MK: Like the door bell? Like a tiny black cat? Ants?
The Boy: Your own shadow ...
BC: If the zoo is so much like home ... that should tell you something!
MK: Hahahaha. If we wanted to be around non-cooperating animals when it comes to taking their pictures, we could've just stayed home!
BC: Are you two done? I'm just a cute and innocent ...
The Boy: Hahahahahahahahaha.
MK: Hahahahahahahaha.
BC: How RUDE! Why don't you go back to the zoo and cuddle with those animals? Huh? Because you won't be getting any lovings around here! HA! Take ...
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Don't touch me! NO, Momma! No! BAD MOMMA!!!

{Pause}
The Boy: How about your Daddy? Can I ...
{The Boy picks Bear up and snuggles with him on the couch}
BC: PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN, RIGHT THIS MINUTE! I HATE ... PURRR ... HATE ... PURRRRRRRRR ... HATE YOU!!! PURR ... The ... purr ... indig ... purr ... nity ... PURRRRRRRRRRRR. NO! NO! Don't kiss me! Cats don't do kisses! Boy cooties! Boy cooties!!! This is going to require ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... a long ... purrrr ... bath! I feel ... PURRRRR ... dirty! I feel ... purrrr ... DEFILED! SULLIED! PURRRRRRRR ... FOULED!!!

The Boy: The only thing here that's dirty, defiled, sullied, or fouled is the poop in your litter box that you clearly didn't cover!
BC: {GASP} You DID NOT just go there!
The Boy: No. You're right. I didn't. That $#!+ requires a gas mask to go anywhere near it.
BC: Hardy har ... PURRR ... oh not AGAI ... purrr ... N. I'll have you ... purrrrr ... know ... that I'm NOT ... purrrrrrrrrrrr ... enjoying ... PURRRRR ... this!
{Pause}
BC: PURRR ... rr ... dang it ... control ... purr ... the ... purr ... MROW! CHHHHIIIIIIISSSSSS!

The Boy: OWWWWWW!
MK: Did he hiss at you? Really?!?!
BC: {mockingly} Hiss? REALLY? Phht. I'm a CAT. We hiss.
MK: Bear, I can count on two hands the number of times you've hissed around me. And only when you've been mad because I clipped your claws or I made you go inside. Not what cats usually hiss about.
BC: Phht. If other cats jumped off a bridge ... would you want me to? Oh, yeah. Follow the morons and end up doing the doggy paddle. Very few reasons exist to justify jumping off a bridge. Let's see ...
{Pause}
BC: One ... in the pursuit of one or more tasty whole chickens.
{Pause}
BC: Two ... in the pursuit of one or more tasty chicken parts.
{Pause}
BC: Three ... to get away from Momma when she's brushing my teeth, clipping my claws, or washing my chin. 
{Pause}
BC: Four ... ATTENTION ... to enjoy Momma running toward me and flailing her arms to stop me from jumping.
{Pause}
BC: Five ... to save torties. This is why torties are perfect for me ... we both do things JUST BECAUSE someone tells us not to.
{Pause}
BC: Six. To get away from some threat ... aliens ... mean Mommas ... boys trying to KISS me ...
{Pause}
BC: Seven. Because my food bowl fell off the bridge.
{Pause}
BC: Eight. To rescue my flavor of the month toy from drowning.
{Pause}
BC: Nine. To get away from your incessant talking. Blah blah blah blah blah ... ARG!
{Pause}
BC: Ten. To catch fish to eat. Yum. I prefer my food come to me ... but a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do! ESPECIALLY when my dinner is more than ninety seconds late and I'm in danger of starving.
MK: Okay, okay. I think we get the idea! Come here, you butt showing, ignoring, lazy, fat, lumpy, furry, bump on a log, non-cooperating for pictures, cute, scared-y cat!
BC: Phht. You forgot handsome and ferocious. Start over!
MK: Come here, you butt showing, ignoring, lazy, fat, lumpy, furry, bump on a log, non-cooperating for pictures, cute, handsome, and ferocious scared-y cat!
BC: PUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. You were gone FOREVER, Momma! I thought you might NEVER come back!

MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: I love you too, Momma.
The Boy: What about me?
BC: Can't you tell my Momma and I are having a moment?!?!
The Boy: This is so unfair!
BC: I'm a cat. "Fair" isn't in our vocabulary. We do what we want.
The Boy: Who do I get to cuddle with?
BC: Your bad attitude?
MK: BEAR! He doesn't have a bad attitude!
BC: Oh, yeah. That's me. BOO-YAH!

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40 comments:

  1. You're absolutely right, Bear... You and torties do things just because someone says not to!

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  2. Bear, you are most definitely a majestic tiger! And don't let anyone tell you any different.

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  3. You are a supreme specimen of catliness. Boy is simply jealous

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  4. Don't you just hate it when those pesky purrs get in the way of trying to make a very good and legitimate point? Bet the Boy didn't even notice what you were trying to say. Might need to get pointier next time around... if you know what we mean. *wink wink*

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    Replies
    1. Pointier. Hahahahahahahaha. Now that's my favorite strategy! ~Bear Cat

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  5. I think you are starting to like your pet alligator Bear!

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    Replies
    1. Erm ... pet ... alligator? I'm the only one allowed to bite around here! ~Bear Cat

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  6. No is a little big word and we felines hear YES when they humans say NO!
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. Who would say no to us? CLEARLY, they MUST mean yes! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear, get those two humans under control. You are a very handsome boy and need some loving. But maybe go easy on the biting. You all have a great day.

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    Replies
    1. How can I get them under control without biting? I'm asking for a friend ;) ~Bear Cat

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  8. I think your insecurity is showing! No bites! About George's walk...I raised him from about 4 days old, so he is extremely secure. He thinks I actually am his biological mom. We call it his "Dude Walk". He is funny. I am hoping to learn how to video him. Happy Mother's Day!

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    Replies
    1. Awww. We'd love to see that video! George sounds super sweet :) ~Bear Cat

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  9. "Fair isn't in our vocabulary"!! Ha ha so true!! The mantra of all self-respecting felines! Yeah Bear!!

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    1. I knew you'd understand, Amarula! Tortie power! ~Bear Cat

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  10. Speaking of capybaras, do you know there was one at BlogPaws a couple of years ago. The mom got to see it up close and purrsonal and it didn't ignore anyone. :)

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    1. My Momma would LOVE that! I don't care ... unless she gets it in her head to get one! ~Bear Cat

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  11. How dare they go stare at other creatures when they should have been home staring at you and admiring your beauty.

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    Replies
    1. EXACTLY! What's better than a tabby? ~Bear Cat

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  12. Aw, Bear. I'd much rather watch you than all those other critters, even your cute butt.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I LOVE ginger ladies as much as I love torties ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. My Mom is DEFINITELY a cat Bear, when someone says "NO" Mom is all about turning it into a YES! Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

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    1. My Momma too! Someone tells her she can't ... you'd better believe she will! She took pride in being the most stubborn living thing she knew ... until I came around ... hehehehe. Putting the humans in their place since 2006 ;) ~Bear Cat

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  14. Oh Bear, we're so sorry. Your mommy has now joined da boy in makin' fun of ya'. He's done gone and brainwashed her. It's time fur drastic measures. We're puttin' a plan together. Happy Mother's day awnty Katherine. big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I need help! LOTS of help! And some tasty whole chickens while you're at it! ~Bear Cat

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  15. We hear that "NO" word a lot around here.

    The Florida Furkids

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  16. You're right, Bear. Don't buy the chow if the milk is free.

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  17. Seriously. Why go to the zoo, when they could be looking at you for free, Bear? Well, maybe not free, but a tasty whole chicken, maybe?

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  18. MOL...I think in a way you are starting to like the sitter, Bear :D Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day :) Pawkisses for a Happy Day :) <3

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  19. No good jumping off the bridge at the Palace, you'll just end up swimming with the Kraken, and believe me she does a mean breast stroke, which is nothing to do with tasty chickens, apparently?
    Anyways I think your peep is being a tad mean to you. But maybe after that visit to the zoo they now know to appreciate what they have at home a bit more.
    Purrs, ERin

    PS I believe them zoo animals get every possible convenience and dietary desire!

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    Replies
    1. Hmmmm. And I bet the other animals blab less than my Momma ... I'm looking into it ;) ~Bear Cat

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  20. Yes, the mold was broke when you were made bear. You have a booty the Tortie girls would swoon over! You might actually like having an elephant around if you had the opportunity 'cause they don't like mice - it would be the enemy of your enemy is your friend kind of thing! Mew Mew!

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    Replies
    1. Err ... mice? Don't they mock cats? ~Bear Cat

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