Friday, June 23, 2017

Self-discrimination

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: Bear, we need to talk.
BC: I didn't do it. I specifically and categorically deny that I did anything.
MK: You always do.
BC: Is this about ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I ALMOST fell for it again.
MK: WHAT?
BC: You know! You make it sound like I'm in trouble for something and then, in trying to figure out which particular misdeed I'm in trouble for, I mention a bunch of other things I did.
MK: Maybe if you didn't misbehave so much, you wouldn't have to wonder which misdeed I just found out about.
BC: Phht. It's FUN to clear the shelves above the toilet into the toilet. And it's fun to pull the stuffing out of your comforter. 
MK: Hold on a second ... 
{Momma walks to the bathroom}
MK: BEAR!
BC: RATS!
{Momma walks to the second bedroom to check on the comforter}

MK: BEAR!!!
BC: Rut ro. Three exclamation marks is never a good thing. I can't get in trouble for things I was tricked into telling you! I have a right against self-discrimination! 
{Pause}
MK: Incrimination?
BC: In what? What does crimination have to do with anything?
MK: You're thinking of "self-incrimination."
BC: Why would I want to go in crimination? Are there tasty whole chickens there?
MK: {sigh} Never mind! Anyway ... we need to talk.
BC: We ARE talking, aren't we?
MK: No.
BC: No?
MK: No! I mean, we ARE talking ... but we need to talk about something in particular.
BC: You mean you need to talk and you want me to listen.

MK: Bear ... you could let me finish.
BC: Phht. You know I never listen to you.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Let me guess ... blah blah BLAH blah blah blah. Blah BLAH blah. Blah blah BLAH blah blah. {mockingly} "I like the sound of my own voice and I make my sweet, innocent, and cute kitty listen as I chatter on about nothing of real importance." 

MK: I want to talk to you about your biting!
BC: I didn't do it. 
MK: You didn't bite me?
BC: Which time?

Bear "THE JAWS" Cat's Gallery of Pain ...






MK: Exactly.
BC: What?!?! I've bitten you so many times, how am I supposed to remember every single time?
MK: STOP BITING ME!
BC: Then stop annoying me!!!
MK: I don't do it on purpose! I just do my normal things.
BC: Uh huh. Uh huh. By living, you're annoying!
MK: How am I supposed to know when you'll go from cute kitty to psychotic murderer in two-point-three seconds?
BC: Don't be ridiculous. It only takes me a little over a second. I like to think that I perfected that to an art.
MK: Do you ever listen to yourself?
BC: Why would I listen to myself when I already know what I'm saying? Then again, you like listening to the sound of your own voice ... so I guess that nonsense isn't so crazy to you.

MK: I DO NOT like to listen to myself ...
BC: Blah blah blah blah blah. "BEAR! Guess what happened at the grocery store?" "I don't understand why ..." "I'm not really all that great." And my personal favorite, "Such-and-such is annoying." Like YOU have room to talk!
MK: I thought you said you never listen to me.
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: NO!
BC: You need to work on being less annoying ... less, err ... stupid ... less talk-y ... less HUMAN.
MK: I don't do anything to you! You just bite me out of the blue!
BC: You make it sound like it's random and out of my control! I'll have you know that I carefully plan my biting strategy.
MK: That's even worse. That means it's carefully calculated.
BC: Phht. Can you imagine if I just bit silly-killy?

MK: You mean willy-nilly?
BC: Whatever. You know what I meant. If I bit randomly, I wouldn't have the proper distribution of bite wounds. And let me tell you! It's no fun to bite a used canvas. Luckily for me, because of all the doughnuts you eat, you've got plenty of fresh juicy flesh just waiting to be bitten. With my plan, sneaking a few in there at my discretion isn't a big deal.
MK: Maybe not to you. But it hurts! It's like you're a bite-oholic. 
BC: Hahaha. My name is Bear Cat Kat and I'm a bite-oholic. I like the sound of that!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Do I have to go to rehab? Maybe on a tasty whole chicken farm? I can have my bags packed in less than five minutes.

MK: Yeah. A tasty whole chicken farm will encourage you to bite less.
BC: Who said anything about biting less? I have a reputation to uphold.
MK: If you're a bite-oholic, rehab would mean a program for those that abuse biting. 
BC: Phht. I don't ABUSE biting. I use it very carefully.
MK: Or a course of treatment for biting dependence.
BC: I'm a cat! Depending on biting is my birthright. What cat doesn't habitually bite? You need a program for stupidity dependence. NO! Annoyingness dependence! No, never mind. Stupidity and annoyingness are normal for humans.
MK: You bite just because you don't get your way!
BC: Don't be ridiculous. I bite for A LOT of reasons! That's only part of it. Sometimes I feel like biting ... and sometimes I don't.
MK: When do you ever NOT feel like biting?
BC: Is that a trick question? 

BC: You know, I just bite what's put in my face. If you didn't stick it in my face, I wouldn't bite it!
MK: You bite the couch! The couch doesn't move!

BC: So? Phht. The couch makes me mad too, you know! It sits there MOCKING me CONSTANTLY. Do you understand that kind of disrespect?
MK: Ummmm ... you mock me ALL. THE. TIME.
BC: Well, YEAH! Because you do stupid stuff ALL THE TIME. 
MK: And don't even get me started on your new favorite game, "I'm the shark!" You've terrorized The poor Boy with that one.
BC: Phht. He's slow and dumb. Easy target. And he never learns! He just keeps being slow and dumb and trying to be my friend!
MK: You sure didn't mind him when he gave you some bacon yesterday.

BC: When bacon, torties, or tasty whole chickens are around, all bets are off. You know, if you didn't brush my teeth every day, you wouldn't have to worry about my teeth.
MK: {sigh} Maybe. But you don't usually like pate wet food and you'd be miserable if you didn't have the teeth to chew your favorite foods.
BC: You're right. I love you, Momma.

MK: Ummm ...
BC: You're a good Momma. I love you. You let me be me and love me anyway.

MK: {gathering Bear up in her lap} I love you too, Bug.

The Boy: {walking into the room} I love you!
{Bear looks both ways}

BC: Are you talking to me?
The Boy: Of course!
BC: What do YOU want?

The Boy: You two were having a little love party! I thought I'd join in! We're a little family!
BC: I'm not related to you.
The Boy: I know! I meant LIKE a family.
BC: I wouldn't like to be part of your family.
The Boy: Wait a ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Bear! Bacon!
BC: HIIIIIIII, Daddy.

The Boy: Daddy?
BC: {his face twitching strangely} Grrr ... purrrr ... meow ... chiiiissss ... HCK! HWWWAAACK!!! HHHHIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSS. ERROR! ERROR! CAN'T COMPUTE. Purrrrr ... grrrr ... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
MK: I think you crashed his operating system.
The Boy: The reset button is around here ...
MK: NO! Whatever you do! DO NOT push that ...
{The Boy touches Bear}
BC: Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
The Boy: That's an odd re-start nois ... oh #$%@!
BC: I'm the shark!
The Boy: Uh oh.

Featured posts of the day:

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Not the Momma's Day

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

MK: {walking into the room to find Bear in her desk chair} Bear! I need my desk chair.

BC: I need to play with my wand toy, Momma!

MK: I'm busy, Bear.
BC: But ... but ... I want to PLAY, Momma! I want to be ferocious and show mousie who's boss around here!
MK: Please move.
BC: Please play with me. We haven't played in FOREVER! I know! I counted! Mousie probably doesn't even recognize me anymore!
MK: Bear, we played five minutes ago. 
BC: EXACTLY! Five minutes is more than FOUR-EVER!
MK: If I don't start working on tomorrow's blog post, we won't have one.
BC: If I don't start playing with my mousie wand toy, my furry fury will get all clogged up and explode!
MK: Bear, your furry fury explodes all the time whether we play or not. And we played for over a half hour, Bear! 
BC: That was a long time ago!
MK: And The Boy played with you earlier today!
BC: He doesn't do it right!
MK: He watches me and does the same things.
BC: It's not the same, Momma!
{Pause}
BC: {in a fake Momma voice - sitting in Momma's desk chair} I'm the Momma! I'm mean and won't let my cute kitty cat play with his favorite toy. I love doughnuts more than I love my kitty cat. My butt is so big, it barely fits in my desk chair ... but I love to sit here and boss my cat around. I always get mad at him for hanging out on the kitchen counter. "NO!" is my favorite word. I wear the pants around here and never shut up! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

The Boy: {walking into the room} That's not a half bad impression. Though you forgot all the, "BEAR!!!"s.
BC: I thought that was obvious along with all the "No"s!

MK: I should leave the two of you alone again. You deserve each other.
BC: NO!
The Boy: Ugh. I still haven't forgiven you for last time.
BC: It's not my fault you don't appreciate my place in the power structure around here.
The Boy: You're a CAT! You don't HAVE a place in the power struc ...
BC: You should probably keep that pointy finger to yourself or you might lose it. It's not nice to point.
The Boy: It's not nice to bite!
BC: I'm Bear "THE JAWS" Cat. I'm not nice. HIIIIIIIIIII-YAH! 
The Boy: Oww!
BC: I told you. And I warned Momma that my furry fury was building up. POW!
The Boy: You need anger management skills.
BC: I need people to stop being stupid. NO! I need dumbnut management skills.
The Boy: You don't need any additional ideas on how to treat me. What you know now is more than sufficient.
BC: Thank you.
The Boy: That wasn't a compliment.
BC: Why aren't you wearing the shirt I got you for Not the Momma's Day?
The Boy: Don't you have anything better to do than insult me all the time?
MK: He did tell you, "Happy Not the Momma's Day," yesterday.
BC: WHAT?!?! You told her? What's wrong with you? You promised not to tell her I said that!
The Boy: Uh oh. Maybe you shouldn't always insult me!
{Silence}
BC: You don't appreciate me! You didn't appreciate when I moved around your work stuff for maximum efficiency.
The Boy: You moved it to get better access to your window.
BC: I'm misunderstood and not appreciated in my own home! If you'd played with me, that would've never happened!
The Boy: Don't you have anything better to do?
BC: No. Not really. Momma won't play with me either.
The Boy: You know where she hides the wand toy.
BC: Yes, but last time I got in trouble for pawing through the bags and ripping the wand toy out of the package while you two were gone. 

BC: Besides, I saw her wrap a second bag around the package before she put it back in the bag.
The Boy: And you let that stop you?
MK: Don't encourage him!
BC: Encourage me! Encourage me! NO! Get the wand toy out FOR me! 
The Boy: I have to get back to work.
BC: Momma?
MK: Bear, we'll play later, okay?
BC: NO! I want to play RIGHT NOW!
MK: Later.
BC: MoooooooooooooommmmmMMMA!!!
{Momma sits down to work and a few minutes later, she hears rustling in the bags holding the swag}
BC: {his head is stuck in the bag trying to paw his toy out} I almost ... just a little ...
{The doorbell rings and Bear pulls back out of the bag}
BC: Huuuuuh?!?!?!
{Pause}
{Bear finds himself caught in the handle of the extra bag Momma wrapped the wand toy in}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's eating me! It's eating me! I'm stuck in its giant jaws! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLP!
{The wand toy falls out of the bag}
BC: OOOOOOH! My wand toy!
{Pause}
BC: Get off me you stupid bag! LET ME GO! So help me ... if you don't release me from your jaws, you'll pay the price. I mean it!

{Momma giggles}
BC: I HEARD THAT! The bag is LAUGHING at me!!! It's MOCKING me in my distress!
MK: Maybe you should leave the bag alone next time?
BC: But my wand toy was in it!!! Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: I was tricked! It ate my wand toy and now it's after my fleshy tender loins. It used my wand toy as BAIT to attract me!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! MoooooooommmmmMMMA!!! HELP!!!!
MK: That's it. The wand toy is going in the pantry.
BC: Wait ... WHAT?!?!
MK: Bear, if you can't keep your paws to yourself and you're constantly being a pest trying to get the wand toy out ... to the point where you cause yourself to get caught up in the handles of the bag - that's not safe. What if I wasn't home to rescue you?
BC: Rescue me?!? RESCUE me? I think not.
MK: Then what would you call it?
BC: Extricating me from my misfortunes.
MK: You act like it's a random misfortune outside of your control. 
BC: THE BAG TRIED TO EAT ME and all you care about is the classification of the misfortune and whose fault it is!
MK: Now it's in the pantry for your protection.
BC: Phht. I don't need protection! YOU need protection. My wand toy needs protection!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! I want my toy! And I can't get it out of the closed pantry!

MK: Exactly.
BC: I'm not moving from this spot until you let me in!

BC: La de da ... de da ... la la la ... I'm on the wrong side of this stupid door! Let me in!!! Hmmm. Maybe I can open the door ...
{Bear tries to paw the door open}

BC: RATS! I'm not moving until this stupid door opens!!!
MK: Whatever you want.
{Bear stares at the outside of the closed door}

BC: I want the door to open!
MK: Tough.
BC: That's it! OPEN or ELSE!!! Don't make me break you down! 
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{THUNK!}
{Pause}
BC: Oww.
{Pause}
BC: That's IT! I'm really, REALLY mad now! Did you really have to punch me?
MK: Bear, the door didn't punch you ... it's hard.
BC: It can't be THAT hard ... you open it all the time!
MK: Oh, never mind. Bear, you have a ton of toys. Go find another toy to play with.
BC: But I want the wand toy!
MK: No.
BC: That word isn't in my vocabulary.
MK: Then I guess you're not smart enough to understand.
BC: HEY! My understanding isn't the problem! Your MEANNESS is the problem!

BC: I hate you!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: FINE! You'll pay for this.
{Ten minutes pass}
The Boy: BEAR!!!
BC: Hahahahaha.
The Boy: Bring my mouse back here! I have work to do!
BC: I'll trade you my mouse wand toy for your mouse.
MK: Don't you dare give into him!
The Boy: What's the big deal? 
MK: He's not allowed to play with wand toys without supervision and we're both working. 
BC: Correction ... YOU'RE working ... The Boy is just standing around and giving me dirty looks.
MK: Not to mention that if you give into his every whim ... he'll just get worse.
The Boy: He stole my mouse! I need to work!
MK: Bear! This isn't the way to get what you want.
BC: Sure it is. If you weren't here, I'd have my wand toy.
MK: I'm not a push-over.
BC: Not a push-over is a nice way of saying MEAN!
MK: Says the cat that stole someone else's toy because he couldn't play with the only toy he wants to play with.
{Bear sees his catnip banana}
BC: Ooooooooh! Nana!!! PREPARE TO DIE.
{Pause}
BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

MK: He is kind of cute ...
The Boy: When he's sleeping!

Featured posts of the day:
  • Bear Cat discovers the wand toy in ... Bear Cat originals
  • Bear's obsession with the new wand toy (and pictures of him trying to dig it out of the swag bags sitting out) first appeared in ... I'm the sea mammal
  • Bear has a habit of not taking "No" for an answer when he wants to play. This isn't the first time he's gone whole hog on trying to free one of his toys from the pantry ... Sunday Selfie #35.
  • To read about how The Boy and Bear got along while Momma was at the Conference ... Not the {REAL} Momma.
  • To read about Momma's Conference experience ... Bear Cat originals.