Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Twenty-two points

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Twenty-two points:
BC: {pawing at the side of the couch with both paws} La de da de da.

The Boy: Stop that!
BC: YOU stop that! You're not the boss of me! You're not my real Dad!
The Boy: Your Momma's not your real Momma.
BC: WHAT?!?! She isn't? 
The Boy: Uh oh.
BC: PHEW! This is the BEST day of my NINE LIVES!
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Thank the kitty gods that I don't share DNA with her. And just for your information, she's not the boss of me either.
The Boy: She's not that bad.
BC: Would YOU want to be related to her?
The Boy: Well, that's different!
BC: I didn't think so.
The Boy: NO! That would just be weird! I LOVE your Momma, Bear!
MK: {from the other room} I love you too!
BC: BARF! Do you two mind? GET A ROOM!
The Boy: We ARE in a room.
BC: Get a room where I am not! No, no! Get a room that's not in this house!
The Boy: You can leave.
BC: I was here first! You're just an interloper.

The Boy: I'm not so bad, am I, Bear? I give you good ear rubs, don't I?

BC: No touchy! No touchy!
MK: Admit it! You don't find The Boy so disagreeable, do you? You just pretend not to like him so he'll share his food with you because you think he thinks he has to win you over.
The Boy: WHAT?!?!?!
BC: RATS! WHO ASKED YOU?!?!?! Are you trying to ruin EVERYTHING? SHHHHHHH! He might ...
The Boy: I'm right here, Bear.
BC: {to Momma} RATS! This is all YOUR fault! Whose side are you on anyway?
MK: Why don't you just quit clawing the couch? And maybe cut out the diva cat attitude.

BC: I'm a diva? Doesn't that mean I'm a superstar without equal? I need to renegotiate my contract! Get me my agent!
MK: Bear, you don't HAVE a contract.
BC: Phht. I'm not STUPID, Momma! In show business, performers always have a contract. I want my agent.
MK: I am your agent.
BC: I want a different agent!
MK: No.
BC: Well, you can't be THAT bad at it, considering Garfield is one of your clients.
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: You said you "rep" Garfield!
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: A few weeks ago, you said you rep Garfield ... you were reading his comics!
MK: Oooooh. I said I READ Garfield. Not "rep." I meant "read" in the past tense ... pronounced "red."
BC: So you read Garfield, but you don't REP him?
MK: No, I don't rep him. 
BC: I'm screwed! There goes my plan for lasagna, pizza, and tasty whole chickens. 
The Boy: Wait, wait. You only PRETEND to not like me so I'll slip you some of my food?
BC: Are you still here? A little slow, aren't you? That revelation was like three days ago.

BC: Hmph. La de da ... off to work I go ... {Bear starts pawing the couch again}.

The Boy: HONEY! I told Bear to stop clawing the couch and he listened to me! SEE? I told you he listens to ...
MK: Hahahaha. Just wait for it ... and ...
{Bear goes back to pawing the couch ... this time, with more conviction}

The Boy: I SEE you, Bear!
BC: GOOD! Up YOURS! Pay attention!!!
{Bear goes back to clawing the couch with both paws}
MK: Hehehehehehehe. Yep. That's the way it works around here.
The Boy: You're doing this JUST because I told you to stop it and JUST because I'm sitting here watching you!
BC: Ding ding ding! BOO-YAH!
The Boy: You didn't stop because I told you to, but to make me look stupid!
BC: Like you need any help with that! Never trust an agreeable cat.
BC: No. On second thought, never trust ANY cat. But ESPECIALLY don't trust a cat that seems to be listening to you. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, SUCKER!
{Bear bites the couch}
The Boy: I know you have a big mouth and all ... but you're still not going to get the entire couch in your mouth.
BC: Says the guy who couldn't figure out how to use the toaster yesterday!
The Boy: No! I couldn't figure out how to use the dial!
BC: DIAL! Dude. I know how to use the toaster and I don't even have opposable thumbs!
MK: Knowing how to use the toaster properly isn't the same thing as knowing how to use it your way.
BC: Semantics. I stick my paw in the toaster ... you run ... I get attention. That's all she wrote.
MK: Holy crap. If you had opposable thumbs, you'd probably get your paw stuck in there even more.
BC: It wasn't STUCK! I knew EXACTLY what I was doing.
MK: Getting my attention?
MK: Then what was that panicked look when you figured out your paw was stuck?
BC: I just FAKED that my paw was stuck. And you fell for it!
MK: I'd be more likely to believe that had you not almost rolled off the counter in your panic at not being able to get your paw out of the toaster. You're lucky I was there to catch you and the toaster.
BC: I'm a good actor, aren't I? A natural showcat. Check this out.
{To the beat of LMFAO's "Sexy And I Know It."}
When I saunter by, 
my sexy makes the girls sigh.
Many torties to meet,
shaking my hot tail to the beat.
This is how I stroll, 
tabby stripes, sexy out of control.
I'm Bear Cat, the master of claws,
Like catwalk models for applause.
Hottie, look at this body.
Hottie, look at this body.
Hottie, look at this body.
I rock out.

Hottie look at this body.
Hottie look at this body.
Hottie look at this body.
I rock out.
When I walk on the street, this is what I see,
hot girl kitties stop and they stare at me.
I got passion in my stripes,
and I'm not afraid to show it.
I'm sexy and I know it.
I'm sexy and I know it.
Check it out, check it out.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
BC: Why aren't you clapping?
The Boy: Ummmm ... why?
BC: Isn't it OBVIOUS?
The Boy: No.
BC: Why am I not surprised?
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Excuse you is right!
MK: {whispering to The Boy} Just clap. Don't ask.
The Boy: {slowly clapping}.
BC: They love me! They want an encore!
{Groaning from Momma and The Boy}
The Boy: I KNEW clapping was a bad idea. We just encourage him!
BC: Phht. I don't need ENCOURAGEMENT. I'm this special all on my own.
The Boy: You said it, not me.
BC: Captain Obvious, I presume?
The Boy: What ...
BC: DO YOU MIND?!?! I have a performance to give! QUIET! 
The Boy: "Special" ... stupid cat.
BC: Says The Boy who bragged that I was listening to him.
MK: Hahaha. He has a point.
The Boy: Whose side are you on?
BC: You're right! She's being unfair to me! If she fully appreciated me, she'd know I have twenty-two points.
The Boy: NOT what I meant.
BC: Wanna see my twenty-two points?
The Boy: No.
BC: Party pooper. We haven't played, "I'm the shark," in WEEKS! My shark-ness is getting all clogged up!
The Boy: Ask your Momma to play with you.
BC: Phht. She's not THAT stupid.
The Boy: And I am?
The Boy: {sigh} Never mind.
BC: Now hand over some of your dinner.
The Boy: No. 
The Boy: I can live with that.

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Friday, March 24, 2017

Like this ...

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Like this ... :
BC: Do I smell {sniff sniff} FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD?

{Bear looks one way and then the other}
BC: RATS! You weren't looking in this direction! You weren't even in the SAME ROOM as me! How did you know what I'm doing?
MK: Get down!
BC: La de da de da ...
BC: But ... but ... FOOD!
MK: That's The Boy's food!
BC: Even better! If you let me have some, it's only him that's missing out. I promise to leave your food alone if you let me have some of his. And I won't tell him about your liberties with his food.
MK: I've fallen for all those promises more than once, Bear.
BC: HEY! It's not my fault you're stupid and gullible! What cat wouldn't take advantage of that?
MK: A cat that is stupid enough to call the person he's begging food off of stupid. 
BC: RATS! Which reminds me ... I've been meaning to ask you ... can we keep The Boy?
MK: WHAT?!? Did you eat rotten food? Hit your head on something?
BC: Phht. You jest. But it's very simple ... since The Boy moved in, the quantity AND quality of food around here has increased exponentially. You cook him all kinds of yummy foods that you didn't cook for just yourself. Like CHICKEN!
MK: Bear, you've done nothing but complain about The Boy since he moved in.
BC: RATS! If he leaves, you could get your revenge by letting me eat his dinner ... before he leaves! OBVIOUSLY, he doesn't matter.
MK: BEAR! He mattered when you wanted chicken last night.

BC: I got SCREWED! I got a teeny tiny piece of chicken!!! It took me ten minutes to even find it on the floor after The Boy dropped it!
MK: Bear ...
BC: And to be honest, it didn't even taste like chicken so I think The Boy faked me out and didn't really drop chicken for me. I bet it was crumbs from breakfast!
MK: HEY! That's MY cooking! I cooked the chicken ... so you better believe that it tasted like chicken.
BC: Phht. At least he was nice enough to give me some ... unlike SOME Mommas around here.
MK: I thought you said he didn't really give you chicken.
BC: He didn't!
MK: Then he's no better than SOME Mommas who wouldn't give you chicken anyway.
BC: Err ... NO!
BC: Err ... maybe? What was the question again?
MK: Never mind.
BC: The Boy gave me a french fry last week!

MK: WHAT?!?! I told him NOT to!
BC: I think you should ground him.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: You ground me when I give myself food! It only seems fair that HE'D be grounded for giving me food.
MK: No. I ground you when you STEAL food. You can't give yourself what isn't yours to begin with.
BC: Let me tell you ... the first couple weeks The Boy was here were perfect! That half-wit left tons of food sitting out and I was nice enough to clean it up for him. Now he knows my tricks almost as well as you do!
MK: I told him not to give you anything without asking me first.
BC: Clearly he doesn't listen to you. Not that I'd blame him because I don't listen to you either! By the way ... I like french fries.
MK: What?
BC: Wait a ... you weren't listening to me!
MK: I'm sorry ... did you say something?
BC: I hate you!
The Boy: {walking into the room} What's going on here?
MK: You gave him a french fry?
The Boy: Ummmm ...
BC: I'm being a sweet and innocent kitty cat and Momma is being mean to me!
The Boy: She wouldn't let you have any of my dinner?
BC: I HATE YOU TOO! Mr. Know-it-all.
The Boy: Pot ... meet kettle.
BC: I'm not a pot! YOU'RE a pot!!!
The Boy: What?
BC: You called me a pot! I'm assuming you mean it as some kind of stupid human insult that I can't understand because of my superior intellect.
The Boy: No. That's a saying. You called me a know-it-all ... but you think YOU know it all.
BC: I DO know it all!
The Boy: I think your Momma has the right idea about closing herself in the closet when you get like this ... you're impossible.
BC: Like this? Like THIS?!?!?! Let me tell YOU! ***THIS*** is prime, super fancy, grade A plus, CAT. Clearly, not all humans can handle my awesome fabulous-ness. But don't expect me to be LESS fabulous just because you can't handle the entire repertoire of my fabulous-ness.
BC: Wait ... might my impossibility and over-personality cause you to leave? Because that would be pretty cool.
The Boy: No.
BC: RATS! I'd  love to tell everyone I got rid of you ... 
The Boy: Great.
BC: If you left, I'd be out noms, but I'd get my my table back! I miss annoying Momma by staring at her while sitting less than a foot away from where she's working. WHOA!!! And my window?!?! No more computer equipment blocking the way? 
{Bear Cat pictures how things SHOULD (and used to) be ... and how much The Boy shook things up}
Bear pictures how it SHOULD be ...
Bear pictures Momma's Boy-induced insanity {Bear Cat loses his table and window} ...

BC: HOLY CAT CRAP ON A CRACKER! I'd have my Momma all to myself again!
The Boy: {sigh}.
BC: Are you still here? You haven't left yet?
The Boy: Nope.
BC: The only drawback other than fewer tasty noms is that I would have to deal with a grabby sobbing Momma again. Impromptu snuggles up the WAZOO! Hmmm ... if Momma starts crying, you'll be in BIG troub ...
BC: Wait a {Bear runs from the family room where he was talking to The Boy, into the kitchen where Momma is making her dinner} ... FISHY!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: Do you have fishy? That DEFINITELY smells like fishy!

MK: OFF the counter! You're in the way.
BC: Make m ... HEY! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW! Bear abuse! Momma's trying to kill me and ...
BC: Yep. Definitely fishy. Where are you going with that?
MK: To eat it!
{The Boy busts out laughing as he watches Bear Cat follow Momma to and from the kitchen as she brings her meal to the table over the course of a couple trips}
The Boy: He's ridiculous!
BC: HEY! Fishy is NEVER ridiculous!
The Boy: You know she's not going to give you any! She never does. And you're following her back and forth on her heels! I've never seen anything so ... RIDICULOUS.
BC: Then I guess you haven't looked in the mirror recently.
The Boy: I look this way only because you act like you want me to pet you and then you attack me.
BC: Phht. That's not what I was talking about. I didn't do THAT to your face. Besides, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
The Boy: Like how you always beg your Momma for some of her food even though she never gives you any?
BC: Phht. I don't need her food anymore. I have a half-wit that gives me some food when I look cute and as if I'm starving. But that reminds me ... you really should have more fishy and more chicken. This Chinese stuff is crap. And no more salads!
The Boy: I'm not going to choose my meals based on what you want a bite of.
BC: I told my Momma that you're selfish! It's always about YOU! 
{Bear noses around Momma's plate as she goes back to the kitchen to grab something else}
The Boy: BEAR! Get down! That food isn't for you! And I know you were talking to me to distract me from watching that you stay out of your Momma's food. If she comes back and any of it is missing, I'll be in big trouble!
BC: As if. If you're in the doghouse, that counts as you moving out!
The Boy: GET DOWN!!!! Get your nose out of her food! BEAR! DOWN!
BC: Get down? Have you seen my MOVES? I'm getting DOWN with the hip and nip you dip! Listen to my lip and take a tip ... when I get down, the house will rip.
The Boy: WHAT?!?
BC: Just sayin'.
The Boy: I have no idea what all that even means!
BC: I'm so nipped and hipped, I require a nap. If you manage to filch some of Momma's fishy, let me know. Ooooh! Also wake me up if it looks like you're headed to the doghouse ... I could use some entertainment around here.
{Bear jumps up on his cat tree and settles in to take a nap ... thirty minutes pass ... Momma gets out the supplies for Bear's beauty routine and climbs on the arm of the loveseat to reach Bear on the top perch}

The Boy: HONEY!!!!
MK: What?
The Boy: GET DOWN!
MK: What?
The Boy: You're going to hurt yourself like that! Don't climb on the arm of the loveseat and reach out to grab a cat on the top perch - when you know he is going to squirm and fight you with fangs and claws!
MK: It's fine! I do this all the time.
The Boy: GET DOWN!
BC: Hahahahahaha. Now you know what it feels like, Momma! Think about THAT before you yell at me to get down again!
MK: Maybe. But unlike The Boy seeing me just now, I see you misbehaving even when I can't see you. 

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Monday, March 20, 2017

Best cat

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

Daily conversation - Best cat:
MK: I have some good news. You'll NEVER believe the news!
BC: Is The Boy leaving?

MK: No.
BC: Am I getting a tasty whole chicken farm?

MK: No.
BC: Did my favorite tortie call?

MK: What are you ...
BC: How about my second favorite tortie? A VERY, VERY, VERY CLOSE second, I might add. Did she call?

BC: Did ANY tortie call?
MK: No.
BC: Then the news can't be THAT good!

MK: {sigh} Maybe let me finish?
BC: Spit it out, woman!

MK: We were named a finalist in the BlogPaws Nose-to-nose awards for Best Cat ...
BC: OBVIOUSLY! And you said I wouldn't believe the news!

MK: What?
BC: What do you think it is about me that caught the judges' attention? My sexy? My handsomeness? My wit and sarcasm? BEST CAT?!?! OBVIOUSLY!

MK: Bear ...
BC: Yeah, you're right! ALL OF THE ABOVE! What's this "we" nonsense? I'M the BEST CAT!

MK: Our BLOG was named ...
BC: I'm a star! I have a public! And people! And surely THIS award comes with a tiara!
MK: Bear ....

MK: What?
BC: My "I'm too sexy" routine! Hold my calls. I'm busy. Well, unless my favorite tortie calls. Actually, make that any tortie. Torties are HOT.
MK: Where are you ...
BC: {on the bathroom counter} DO YOU MIND?!?! I'd like some privacy in here! 
MK: Like you give me privacy in the bathroom?
BC: You can hardly tell I'm there! You won't stop talking!
MK: WHAT? You try to jump on my lap while I'm using the bathroom!
BC: You know, MOST people ... no, EVERYONE BUT YOU, would take it as a compliment that the Best Cat in the World wants to be petted by them. Now CLOSE. THE. DOOR. I'm BUSY and I don't want to be disturbed.
MK: BEAR! Our BLOG was named ...
BC: SEE?!?! Talk-y talk-y! 

MK: I've barely gotten a word in ...
BC: Blah blah blah blah blah!
MK: {sigh}.
{Momma closes the door}
BC: {prancing back and forth in front of the bathroom mirror}
I'm too sexy for my house,
Too sexy for my house,
Don't you think so, my little mouse? 

BC: I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah,
I shake my little tail on the catwalk.

BC: I'm too sexy for my fur,
Too sexy for my fur,
Just listen to me PURRRRRR.

BC: I'm too sexy for my mom, 
Too sexy for my mom,
Ain't I just the mother-meowing bomb! 

BC: I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean, 
And I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk. 

BC: I'm too sexy for my teeth, 
Too sexy for my teeth,
You can't imagine the unbearable pain they bequeath!

BC: I'm too sexy for my claws, 
Too sexy for my claws,
And too sexy even for my adorable paws! 

BC: I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean, 
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tail on the catwalk. 

BC: I'm too sexy for my tail, 
Too sexy for my tail,
You can't measure my pounds of sexy on any scale!

BC: Momma! MOMMA! MooooooooooooooooooooMMMMMMAAAA! It's an emergency! HEEELLLLLLLLLP!
MK: What? {opening the bathroom door}. What's wrong, Bear?
BC: I was trapped in here! I saw my lives flash before me! I thought I'd never see you again!

MK: You told me to close the door.
BC: Oh, sure. If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
MK: Just when I though this conversation couldn't get any more ridiculous.
BC: Wait a ... RATS! I thought I'd never see you again ... and I ensured that I did see you again! What am I THINKING?!?!?
MK: I ask myself that all the time.
BC: Haha. It's time for the audience. 
MK: What?
BC: I must practice IN FRONT of an audience. Assemble my fans.
MK: Yep. Even more ridiculous.
BC: Mince mince, Momma!
MK: How many times do I have to remind you that it's chop chop?
BC: Stupid human expressions.
MK: Yet you use them.
BC: I didn't ask you.
MK: {sigh}.
BC: I'm ready for my audience. 
MK: Yeah, yeah. Let me grab a few toys.

BC: Fans.
MK: Semantics.
BC: Don't rub it in.
{Momma lines the "fans" up in the doorway of the bathroom}.

BC: {AHEM!} 
MK: What now?
BC: The ceremony rehearsal is sold out. You need to leave. Well, unless you have a tasty whole chicken farm to exchange for watching the greatest show on Earth.
MK: This is getting more ridiculous by the second!
BC: The audience is booing you for delaying the rehearsal.

MK: Okay. Okay.
BC: {AHEM!} 
{Bear performs his act one more time in front of the audience while Momma tries to tune it out}.
BC: HEEEEEEEE-Y! Are you enjoying the show? I. CAN'T. HEAR. YOU?!?! Are you enjoying the show?
MK: {mumbling to herself} Yeah ... can't hear them ... because toys don't TALK ...
BC: It's an honor for you that I stand before you today to accept this award. I've worked hard to get to where I am ... and you're welcome.
{Momma snickers from the other room}.
BC: I'd like to praise cats everywhere for being such wonderful creatures. I'd like to thank myself for being THIS fabulous. And I'd like to thank the one thing that's always loved me and supported me. She's never left my side and has fought my battles as her own.
{Momma lets out an "AWWWWWWWW."}
BC: Let me introduce you to my string! Isn't she amazing?

MK: {mumbling to herself} Why am I surprised? I swear ...
{Bear continues and Momma drowns him out ... fifteen minutes pass}
BC: Momma! MOMMA! MooooooooooooooooooooMMMMMMAAAA!
MK: {opening the bathroom door} You're being ridiculous.
BC: I just demand the proper respect. I'm the Best Cat now so DEAL WITH IT.
MK: The BLOG. Best Cat BLOG.
BC: WHAT?!?!?!?!
MK: We're finalists for BEST CAT BLOG.

BC: But I'm the star!
MK: I'm sorry ... whose name is first on our blog?
BC: Wait a ... Momm ...
BC: Wait a ... you told me our names were in alphabetical order! 
MK: Uh oh.
BC: You told me 'M' comes before 'B' in the alphabet!

MK: It's a nice day outside, isn't it?
BC: If 'M' doesn't really come before 'B' in the alphabet, it ain't gonna be a nice day for you anytime soon.
MK: A ... M ... C ... D ... E ... F ... G ... H ... I ... J ... K ... L ... B ...
BC: That doesn't sound right! Wait a ...


MK: Uh oh.
BC: What ELSE have you lied to me about?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Am I REALLY a cat?
MK: As if that was ever really in doubt.
BC: True. Is YOUR name really 'Kat' or did you make that up?
MK: Bear, you hear people calling me Kat ... that's the name I write on things ...
BC: {GASP} You're not a HER!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: You lied about being a HER! That explains so much! Momma Kat and HER Bear Cat. RIIIIIIIIIGHT. You're a BOY!
MK: Oh for the love of ...
BC: Does The Boy know?
MK: What are you ...
BC: HEY! YOU! NOT my real Mom!
BC: Wait a ... you aren't my real Mom, right? Or did you lie about that too? Because if we share DNA, I'll be irreparably traumatized.

MK: Why?
BC: You're inferior.
MK: Right. You could learn a little humility. 
BC: Humility? Don't you do that to me enough? And that doesn't even include the kisses in PUBLIC! Or you sharing the details of my misfortunes on the blog.

MK: Misfortunes? More like misADVENTURES. Or lack of intelligence. 
BC: FINALLY! You see what I have to put up with! As I said, inferior ... lack of intelligence.
MK: I wasn't talking about me. Bear, we're only FINALISTS. The other finalists are just as wonderful as we are.
BC: I am.
MK: WHATEVER! I'm just thankful to be named along side A Tonk's Tale, Three Chatty Cats, and Noir Kitty Mews ... it's such a compliment and an honor to be named among the bloggers I admire most.
BC: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I'm a cat.
MK: Yes.
BC: Cats aren't humble.
MK: True.
BC: Truth in advertising. If I were humble, this wouldn't be a cat blog ... thus no chance of being a finalist.
MK: Touche.
MK: Right. Too SOMETHING. If your head gets any bigger, I'll have to move out.
BC: REALLY?!?!? That would be ... WONDERFUL!
MK: I wasn't being serious.
BC: RATS! Does that mean I'm stuck with The Boy too?
MK: Yep.

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