Monday, January 16, 2017

Mr. Heckle and Dr. Bona Fide

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


Mr. Heckle:
BC: Wakey, wakey, Momma! Time to get up!!!! HELLLLLLLLLOOO!
MK: Ehhhh ... Beeeeeeeaaaaaar!
BC: MooooommmmmmmmmMMMA!!! Wakey, wakey!! Time to get up!! It's an EMERGENCY!!! My wet food treat time is in three hours and if you don't get up now, my treat will be LATE! You don't want me to STARVE, do you?

MK: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
BC: Momma! MOMMA! MoooooooommmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMA!!!!
MK: BEAR! STOP CLAWING MY FACE!
BC: If I don't claw your face, you'll go back to sleep! I need to hold your eyes open!
MK: BEAR! That HURTS!
BC: So does getting my wet food treat late!
MK: {pulling the covers up over her head} {muffled} GO!!! AWAY!!!!
BC: Uh oh! MommmmmmMMMMMMA! MOMMA! Don't worry! I know you're under there! Don't panic, I'll RESCUE you and dig you out!
MK: {muffled} I don't require rescuing!
BC: The covers are trying to suffocate you!!! I'll get you out!!!! ASSAP! Don't worry! Hold on, Momma!
MK: {muffled} ASS-AP is oddly appropriate. Or ASS-CAT!
BC: I meant AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
MK: {muffled} {sigh} I know, Bear. That's ASAP not ASSAP.
BC: {pawing at the covers} I'm digging! Don't panic, Momma! BREATHE! BREATHE!
MK: {muffled} I AM breathing, Bear!
BC: No. I was telling MYSELF to breathe. MY WET FOOD TREAT IS IN THREE HOURS, and you might be dead by then!!! Why do these horrible things always happen to me? At least I was here to see you go under!
MK: {muffled} GO!!! AWAY!!!
BC: {pawing at the covers} Don't worry, Momma! I'm going to rescue you! I won't leave you here to die at the hands ... err ... umm ... the fabric of the covers!
MK: {muffled} BEAR! So help me, I'm trying to SLEEP!
BC: {FRANTICALLY pawing at the covers} Uh oh! I better dig faster! You're about to lose consciousness! Stay with me, Momma! MOMMA! STAY WITH ME!!!!
MK: {muffled} Oh for the love of ...
BC: AAAAAAAAAHA! There you go, Momma!

MK: {face now exposed} @#$! it, Bear!!
BC: I know! That was CLOSE! You almost DIED! But I saved you! Thank the gods of hungry kitties!

MK: BEAR!
BC: I'd get up if I were you, Momma! You wouldn't want the covers to try to kill you again.
MK: Bear, I WANTED to be under the covers so I could SLEEP!
BC: Why do I sense a lack of appreciation at my life-saving efforts?

MK: BECAUSE I WANTED TO SLEEP!
BC: MAN, are YOU grumpy! Do all humans get grumpy when they almost die?
MK: I DIDN'T ALMOST DIE!
BC: Yes, you did. I SAW you! Sheesh! A cat SAVES your life and you can't even bother to THANK me!

MK: ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!
BC: Talk about LACK of APPRECIATION! I'm going to go find some fun!

MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm bored. Why would I stay here in bed with Ms. Ungrateful Grumpy Pants?
MK: So help me ...
BC: RATS! All the cords are taped to the wall! You unplugged the toaster. You hid your pens. You sewed up the holes in the comforter. What's a cat gotta do around here for entertainment?!?!
MK: Play with his toys?

BC: My toys are kept out of my paws! The cords are TAPED TO THE WALL! The toaster is unplugged. You hid the pens. You sewed up the holes in the comforter ...
MK: And why is that?
BC: Because you don't want me to have any fun! Sheesh! I mean I SAVE your life and you keep your favorite toys out of my paws and out of my mouth!

MK: You don't see me going around here chewing on cords, or un-stuffing comforters, or batting around pens, or sticking my paw ... err ... hand in the toaster, do you?
BC: So THAT'S why!
MK: Wait ... why what?
BC: You want them all to yourself!
MK: Bear, you stick your nose in my business all the time ... how could I get away with any of those things without you noticing?
BC: It's not nice to not share!
MK: Says the cat that can't share the desk chair.
BC: Well, no. Expecting me to share is selfish!
{Pause}
BC: Oooooh! You're getting up! Can I have my wet food treat EARLY?

MK: No! I'm getting up because I won't be able to fall back asleep wondering what you're up to when it's quiet.
BC: And people doubt the feline maxim, "Walk softly with your claws and fangs out."
{Momma goes to the bathroom ... comes out a few minutes later ...}
MK: {sigh} What ELSE is new?

Dr. Bona Fide:
BC: Momma?
{Momma's sound asleep in bed}.
BC: MOMMA!
{Still asleep}
{Bear starts clawing Momma's face}.
MK: Grrr ... tse tse ... sleeeeeeeeeep {pulling blanket over face}.
BC: {pawing the blanket off Momma's face} HIIIIIII!
MK: Beeeeear! Not AGAIN!
BC: {Purring wildly ... wraps paw around Momma's arm to pull her hand to his face} But ... but ... you were so sad last night. I'm here to fix everything!
MK: Oh, Bear ...
{Silence for thirty minutes ... except for Bear's deep rolling purr as his front leg is wrapped around Momma's arm, held to his face as Momma rubs his face and ears ... if Momma slows down or stops he pulls her hand back to his face}.
BC: Do you feel better, Momma?
MK: Yes. You make everything better just by being you. I love you, Bear.
BC: I love you too, Momma. I don't like it when you're sad.
MK: And you always manage to make me smile. I don't know how you know, but you know exactly what I need and you remind me of what's important.
BC: You aren't alone, Momma. And you're not unloved either! You have me!
MK: I know, Bug. Thank you. Sometimes it's like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" around here though.
BC: Another knock off of great feline literature! It doesn't get any better than "How to be a Cat: Mr. Heckle and Dr. Bona Fide."
MK: You made that up! Though it DOES explain A LOT ... and the Dr. does make sense with you fixing things in "Bona Fide" mode ...
BC: I'm tired. All this fixing wears a cat out even more than destroying things does!
MK: Want to cuddle with my arms wrapped around you?
{Bear plops down in Momma's arms}

BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

{Momma falls asleep with a smile on her face ... and she's pretty sure Bear does too}.

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Sunday, January 15, 2017

Sunday Selfie #33

I know I'm handsome. So joining The Cat on My Head's Sunday Selfies blog hop is a no brainer! This week, I'm sharing pictures of me sitting at my favorite spot on the kitchen table. I like to sit there and stare at Momma while she works. Why? Because it makes her nervous ... I don't actually WANT anything ... it's just fun to watch her squirm. After viewing my pictures, you're MORE than welcome to express your appreciation of this fine feline specimen with tasty whole chickens ... my Momma will give you the address (just tell her you're sending me socks!). ~Bear Cat

ps - You can see my previous Sunday Selfie posts here: #1#2#3#4#4.5#5#6#7#8#9#10#11#12#13#14#15#16#17#18#19#20#21#22 {Bear Kitten/Kitty - the couch}#23 {Bear Kitten hijinks}#24 {Bear Kitten/Kitty - other}#25 {Bear Kitten sleeping/Momma}#26#27#28#29#30#31, #32.

A note about my Momma's picture taking ... up until she started our blog, she'd given up completely on taking pictures of me. I'm awfully cute, but the lighting in the house sucks and she got frustrated that all the pictures she took that SHOULD be wonderful, were so .... NOT. Needing pictures for our blog, she forced herself to keep trying, even when I'd quit what I was doing because I wasn't used to the camera. Within the last couple months though, I've started mugging for the camera a bit, don't you think? PSST! Momma! I'm ready for my closeup!!!








Friday, January 13, 2017

Crazypants

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Crazypants:
BC: {running one direction} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear leaps over the couch and skitters over the end table}
{CRASH}
BC: {running the other direction} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear bounces off the wall}
{THUNK}
BC: {running down the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: {as he jumps on the bed} OOF! {Bear breathes heavily}. That was close.
MK: Huh? Aaaa ... ummm ... tse tse tse. Hmmm. Oh, hi, Bear.
BC: {snoring}.
{Momma gets up to go to the bathroom ... a few minutes pass}.
MK: {walking back into the bedroom} BEAR!

BC: What?
MK: Move.
BC: No.

MK: You're taking up the entire bed!
BC: There's plenty of room!

MK: If I detach every single limb and place them in different unoccupied sectors!
BC: I can arrange that you know.

MK: I dare you, Mr. Tough Pants.
BC: Have you noticed that I don't eat doughnuts and I fit on the bed? You eat doughnuts and ...
MK: So what? Only butt lickers fit on the bed?
BC: You really should come up with a new criticism. The whole butt licking thing is old.
MK: Oh? And doughnuts?
BC: Make your butt ... oh.
{Pause}
BC: You moved! I was here first!
MK: Suck it, cat!
BC: YOU suck it, woman!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! I was here FIRST! You can't MOVE me!

MK: I can do whatever I want, CRAZYPANTS!
BC: Oh, yeah? If I'M the crazypants, then that means that I WEAR THE PANTS!
MK: CRAZY pants!
{Pause}
BC: AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... {CHOMP!}.

MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! UNFANG ME, you humongous pain in my behind!
BC: {letting go for a minute} I'm biting your arm ... if you're having pain in your behind, you should eat fewer doughnuts!
MK: NOT what I ...
BC: AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... {CHOMP!}.

MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! UNFANG ME!

MK: For the love of ... why didn't you mention "Fang and Claw: In Cold Blood" the other day when you were talking about feline literary works? That sounds like the quintessential cat tome.
BC: The movie's better. Some things just can't be accurately described in prose you know. 
MK: I blog, Bear! I'm well aware of the limits of prose.
BC: Well, no, technically I blog.
MK: {sigh} Okay, okay. But I went to the blogging conference!
BC: You said there were ENDLESS BOWLS of cat treats there!
MK: Okay. This year, I'll shove you in your carrier for the ride to the airport ...
BC: No thanks. 
MK: Exactly.
BC: Hmph. You don't have to be so SMUG about it! I meant you could've emptied them in your bag and brought them home for me.
MK: Then what about the cats that were there, that weren't too scared of their own shadows ...
BC: But you're right ... True-cat Cat-ope ...
{Momma starts laughing}
BC: WHAT? What's so funny?
MK: Exhibit A ... Tru-MAN Ca-po-te becomes True-Cat Cat-ope ...
BC: But that was his name!
MK: Exhibit B ... And we're debating this at three thirty in the morning!
BC: HEY! You woke ME up when you got out of bed!
MK: Bear, the only reason I got up is because you woke me up running around here like a crazypants.
BC: That was forever ago!
MK: Ten minutes ago?
BC: Like I said, FOREVER.
MK: Well, I had to go to the bathroom, we've had this ridiculous conversation/fanging AND it takes me a little while to go from rock status to awake enough to get out of bed.
BC: That's not true! The times I gobble down half my bowl of dry food JUST to barf it up super dramatically so you think I'm dying, you leap out of bed in about two sec ...

{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: And you knocked the lamp over again, didn't you?
BC: {GASP} How do you know? Did THEY tell you?

MK: No. You've knocked that lamp over enough that I know what it sounds like.
BC: A smart person ... not that there is such a thing of course ... would learn and not put the lamp there.

MK: A smart person knows that when your cat runs around like a crazypants at three in the morning ... just because he pooped ... nothing is safe no matter WHERE you put it.
BC: I am not YOUR cat.

MK: I find it hilarious that the only part of that statement you could refute was the YOUR.
BC: You woke me up when you got up!
MK: You woke me up when you ran around like a crazypants and careened off walls, furniture and lamps!
BC: There was only one lamp.

MK: That's not the point.
BC: I can't HAVE a point because you clipped my claws earlier!
MK: That's not true! You had your fangs all the way into my arm before. I'm bleeding!
BC: Well, you shouldn't have tried to move me!
MK: Then you shouldn't have tried to take up the ENTIRE QUEEN SIZED BED!
BC: I didn't TRY, Momma. I SUCCEEDED!
MK: EXACTLY!
BC: RATS!

MK: You are awfully cute ... well, now that you've extricated your fangs from my arm.
BC: {CHOMP!}

MK: OWW! What was that for?
BC: You said I'm cute! I'm not CUTE! I'm a ferocious ... err ... a ferocious ... err ...
MK: Biter? Clawer?
BC: YES! And I drop a ferociously stinky poop! Which is why THEY are after me ...

MK: Are you ready for snug ...
{Pause}
MK: FEROCIOUS snuggles?
BC: Will you tuck me in next to you?
MK: Of course. I love you, ferocious biter/clawer/pooper.
BC: I love you too, Momma.



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