Thursday, January 7, 2016

When Momma's Sick . . . and Bear's Bored

A bored cat is just as dangerous as a bored child. And neither makes any accommodations for their parents' illness. Also true? Cats might be experts at destroying things, but they also make everything better. Maybe I'm just a total sucker, but I do have to give Bear credit for his determination and spunk. He's always my boy, despite (and maybe also because of) his capability for obnoxiousness. He certainly knows how to get my attention and make me laugh!

To locate the posts referenced in this post, see the bottom of the page for those links.

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: ACHOO!
{Pause}
MK: ARGGGGGGGGGGG!
BC: Where's the frog? I'm going to eat . . .
MK: That's my voice! There's no frog!
BC: All I hear is CRRRRRRRRRRROAK! Why are you WHISPERING?
MK: Because I lost my voice! I'm sick!
BC: What?
MK: Come here if you want to talk, I can't talk any louder!
BC: {walking into the room} Are you STILL in bed? 
MK: I'm sick!
BC: Hmph. More proof you're just a defective cat.
MK: What, because I'm lazy only when I'm sick?
BC: NO! I don't get sick. Therefore, cats don't get sick. Your sickness makes you defective in the category.
MK: What category?
BC: Cat-egory. Must I explain EVERYTHING to you?
MK: Hmmm . . . cats ARE gory.
BC: You got that right, lady! No one messes with me and gets away with it!
MK: Unless you're a bird, a squirrel, a strange person, a mechanical toy like your Hexbug, a plastic bag, tape, a jar of peanut butter, the toaster, an open box . . . or your shadow. Pretty much anything but me, your toys, and stuff you can knock off the counter.
BC: Have I told you that I HATE YOU!?!?
MK: Not in the last five minutes.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: Thank you for the reminder.
BC: No problem.
MK: I wouldn't have ever guessed, seeing that you were snuggled up with me fifteen minutes ago and purring like crazy.
BC: {sniff} I don't remember that.
MK: You never do.
BC: Whatever. There's a situation in the family room that requires your attention.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: I've been in bed all day and there's no one else here.
BC: My teddy bear was mocking me again.
MK: That's his face, he's not mocking you!
BC: Just because you've never noticed . . .
MK: Like the time the spider was giving you the middle leg? Even though a spider with eight legs doesn't HAVE a middle leg?
BC: Well . . .
MK: And the last time you went after your teddy bear and you ended up sliding into the wall?
BC: The floor was slick!
MK: Or when you charged the mouse for my computer and you hit the wall?
BC: See if I ever do you a favor again! You said you were having mouse problems! I'm a mouser! I took care of business! You should be grateful!
MK: And then there were the smashed ants you were SURE were about to attack you . . . 
BC: Phht. Like you never make mistakes!
MK: Remember that time you rolled over all the little pieces of tape I'd put on the floor sticky side up to help me wrap presents? You acted like you were dying until you calmed down enough to let me remove all of them.
BC: Whatever.
MK: Or when the toaster used to be plugged in and you stuck your paw in there to make me jump up and run to get your paw out of the toaster . . . except for the time you got it stuck, panicked, and I got there just in time to catch you and the toaster falling off the counter?
BC: I TOLD you that toaster had it out for me! You're awfully plucky for being "sick!"
MK: Bear, it must be a hard life thinking everything is against you and out to get you.
BC: FINALLY! You get it! And don't forget yourself! You're out to get me too!
MK: Because I feed you kibble?
BC: NOT real food. 
MK: And I brush your teeth so you don't lose them, clip your claws to limit damage, and wash your face so you don't have painful breakouts?
BC: Phht. Whatever. I've seen no proof.
MK: You lost your first tooth when you were two!
BC: That tooth had it out for me!
MK: Oh, for crying . . . what about the other three you've lost?
BC: Obviously. So are you going to take care of the situation in the family room?
MK: Which category does it fall under?
BC: There's other cats here?
MK: What? NO! I meant category without the cat.
BC: So you meant, "What egory?"
MK: No. How would you CLASSIFY the "situation?" Food? Fun? Nasty?
BC: It's a surprise.
MK: Your last "surprise" left me smelling like fish for a couple days.
BC: And that's a bad thing?
MK: Though that time wasn't as bad as the time you sneezed on me with a mouth full of cat toothpaste. I found specks of gunky toothpaste for DAYS afterward. Even though I'd washed my face and gotten multiple showers.
BC: So if I sneeze on you every time you brush my teeth, you'll stop?
MK: Nice try.
BC: You believed it hurt me to clip my claws . . . how many times did you ask the vet if it was possible?
MK: So you're admitting it doesn't hurt?
BC: RATS! 
MK: Give me an idea of what we're dealing with . . . 
BC: Correction: What YOU'RE dealing with. Extra-super fancy.
MK: Furball covering your teddy bear? Because he had the audacity to "mock" you?
BC: Rats!
MK: It can wait.
BC: NO! It CAN'T! I want to PLAY with that toy NOW!
MK: Then stop gobbling your wet food treat down and barfing on your favorite toys!
BC: You're grumpy!
MK: I'm sick!
BC: You're faking. You just want me to have to choose a second-best toy to play with!
MK: Your teddy bear was mocking you, so you barfed your fishy all over him?
BC: So CRUDE!
{Pause}
BC: But true.
MK: Why would you want to play with a toy that only mocks you?
{Silence}
{Crickets . . . }
BC: You think you're SOOOO smart!
{Pause}
BC: If you won't clean teddy, can I play with your frog?
MK: My . . . BEAR! I'm sick! That's just my voice!
BC: I bet if you said, "RIBBBBBIT!" a herd of frogs would show up at the door!
MK: You try talking with a stuffed up nasal cavity!
BC: Is it stuffed with frogs? Do they still try to hop around?
MK: Do you MIND? Don't you have something better to do?
BC: You won't clean teddy! I'm BORED! How's that MY fault?!?
MK: So if I get up and clean him up, you'll let me sleep?
BC: Something like that.
{Momma gets up, cleans up the mess, then gets back in bed.}
BC: {jumping on the bed} Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
MK: Oh, for crying . . . 
BC: How are YOU?
MK: I'm sick!
BC: You always say everything's about me . . . so I'm trying to be more concerned about things other than me. 
MK: Well, I certainly appreciate that . . .
BC: And I'm BORED! I hate when you're sick! There's no one to play with me!
MK: Bear, you have more toys than most cats . . . and quite often, when I try to play with you, you ignore the toy until I leave the room. DEAL with it.
BC: Byyyyyyye! {Bear runs out of the room}
{Momma closes her eyes and rolls on her side}
BC: {jumping on the bed} Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Are you better yet?
MK: Do you want to snuggle?
BC: No. Just checking on you. And I'm BORED!
MK: I guess you don't want to play with your teddy bear anymore?
BC: No. He's wet. 
{Pause}
BC: I guess we could snuggle if it'll make you feel better.
MK: I'd like that.
BC: Just so you know the sacrifice I'm making . . . that the snuggling ISN'T for ME . . . 
MK: Ear rubs?
BC: If it will make you feel better . . . 
{Pause}
BC: You stopped! Momma? MooooommmMA!
{Momma lightly snoring}
BC: How insulting!
BC: {jumping on Momma's face} Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
MK: AHHHHHHHH!
BC: I believe you were in the middle of giving me quality ear rubs! For your own benefit, of course. But you fell asleep!
MK: Imagine that . . . 
BC: I don't have to . . . because you did!
MK: As if my pounding sinus headache wasn't enough . . . now I have pounding kitty paws on my head . . .
BC: I thought you'd not want to disappoint me and stop my ear rubs before I was satisfied! Err . . . YOU were satisfied.
{Momma gives Bear ear rubs}
{Bear falls asleep snoring . . . }
MK: Son of a . . . now I can't sleep!
BC: Do you mind? Your tossing and turning woke me up! I'm trying to rest!
MK: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
BC: Aren't YOU annoying!?!?!
MK: I was imitating . . . 
BC: Less talking and more sleeping . . . unless there's more fishy with my name on it . . .
MK: You had your treat an hour ago!
BC: Okay. Then be quiet. {dramatic sigh} Dealing with you is exhausting!
{Pause}
BC: By the way . . . can you move over? You're hogging the bed!
MK: I'm laying right on the edge! You have at least three-fourths of the bed!
BC: Yes, but I want to stretch my back legs out entirely.
MK: Then lay straight up and down on the bed instead of diagonally.
BC: No can do. The Earth's magnetic fields are not aligned properly for that. Besides, you don't need to be here. If there's not enough room for your selfishness, take a couch!
MK: But I'm . . . 
BC: GOOD night!
MK: . . . the one that's sick and needs to sleep!
{Pause}
MK: Well, fine . . . I guess I can go . . . 
{Momma leaves the room, and comes back within seconds to grab her blanket}
MK: WHAT?!? You're curled up! I thought you demanded to stretch out so I had to move! You just wanted the entire bed to yourself!
{Silence}
{Faint sound of crickets . . . }
MK: And you have no regrets!
BC: Regrets are for the weak-minded.
BC: {light snoring}.
MK: I STILL can't sleep! This is ridiculous! Why do I feel bad? Weak-minded. Hmph. So AGITATED . . . ACHOO! Arrrrrgg! ACHOO!


Bear vs. the . . . {links to references in the dialogue above}:
Defective cat (Momma)
Peanut butter and plastic bags
Teddy bear
Hexbug
Spiders (On kamikaze kitties) 
Computer mouse (On Momma's "mouse" problems)
Ants

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