Friday, September 18, 2015

Food Exuberance and Kitty Temper Tantrums

There are few things Bear is more serious and exuberant about than food (other than his kibble, which to him, is not "real" food). Momma's food, Bear's food, not even food at all . . . it doesn't matter, because if Bear THINKS it's food, he must have it RIGHT NOW! And not following his demands often ends badly for everyone.


MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat


Cookies:
MK: Bear! Don't gobble down your wet food treat so fast! You'll toss your cookies!

BC: These are cookies? I always expected cat cookies to be . . . cattier . . . or cookier.
MK: They aren't cookies, I was speaking figuratively.
BC: What, so cookies are too good for me? I WANT COOKIES!
{PAUSE}
BC: COOKIES, COOKIES, COOKIES! I'm going to stage a sit in on your keyboard until you give me COOKIES!
MK: Oh, for crying out loud! You're worse than a toddler! When you've gotten hold of my cookies in the past, all you do is lick them obsessively. And then I get cookies covered with fishy tasting cat slobber!
BC: I'll have you know that cats DON'T slobber! How insulting! YOU slobber. I do not. I'm offended! Outraged! And I want COOKIES! The fishy tasting Oreos sound perfect, why haven't you shared them with me before?
MK: No, the Oreo isn't fishy flavored . . . oh, never mind.
BC: COOK-IES, COOK-IES, COOK-IES, COOK-IES, COOK-IES, COOK-IES, COOK-IES. COOK-IES . . .
BC: Fishy cookie hogger! Bear hater!
MK: Why don't you settle on your cat tree and I'll give you cookies in a few minutes?
{Bear jumps into his cat tree}
BC: IS IT COOKIE TIME YET?
MK: No.
BC: Is it COOKIE time yet?
MK: No.
BC: {Yawn} is it cookie time ye . . . {snoring not so softly}.
MK: Thank goodness he quickly tires himself out . . . a cat with unlimited energy is the equivalent of a weapon of mass destruction.
BC: Meow . . . snore . . . fishy . . . snore . . . mine . . . meow . . .
MK: He is cute . . . and my willpower is comparatively weak.




Treats:
BC: Oh! Momma! I'm so glad you're home! You're my favorite Momma ever! I love you, Momma!
MK: I was only gone for 15 minutes . . . no treats.
BC: But I missed you!
MK: Come cuddle.
BC: I can't cuddle on an empty stomach!
MK: Fantastic, I filled your bowl before I left.
BC: Hmph! You think so poorly of me that you think all the fanfare over you being home was only for . . . oh, hmmmm . . . I guess it was. I've been screwed out of my treats!
MK: Oh, here we go again . . .
BC: SCREWED! Starved! Mistreated! Unwanted. Unappreciated. Unloved! You should be ashamed of yourself! The worst Momma EVER! This is against the Geneva Cat Convention! Morally reprehensible! Despicable! I WANT TREATS!
MK: Your temper tantrum is going to last longer than I was gone.
BC: It's not my fault you are so dense that I have to carry on for HOURS before you "get" what you're supposed to do.
MK: No treats.
BC: I hate you!
MK: Given how I was your favorite Momma ever and you loved me two minutes ago . . . it's kind of hard to take that seriously.
BC: Now I REALLY hate you!
MK: I'm REALLY convinced.
BC: Mrow. Can't touch this!
{Bear saunters away confidently}


Fishy:
BC: I smell FISHY! Where's my FISHY?!?!?
MK: No.
BC: No, it's not FISHY? Because it smells like FISHY! I should check it out for you just to be sure . . . I wouldn't want you to unintentionally eat FISHY!
MK: No, it is fishy. But it's MY fishy.
BC: But, but, but . . . I LOVE FISHY! You won't share your FISHY with the kitty you love most in the world? No matter that I'm the cutest kitty in the world, EVER?
MK: Bear . . .
BC: I promise if some of the FISHY happens to drop on the floor, no FISHY will go to waste! "Blink, blink."
MK: You mean, "wink, wink."
BC: WHATEVER! I can't think properly in the vicinity of tasty FISHY.
MK: If I give you my food, what am I going to eat?
BC: I saw you weigh yourself this morning . . . you're not in danger of starving.
MK: Neither are you! So what will I eat?
BC: My kibble? You seem to think so highly of it. And I promise to always keep your bowl full! I could also remind you that there are homeless creatures who would LOVE my kibble . . . or so you tell me regularly . . .
MK: No. Just no.
BC: So my kibble's not good enough for you?
MK: It's specially formulated for cats!
BC: Which means you just assume we'll put up with anything . . . not suspecting that one day, cats will rule the world! You think we'll just put up with it forever . . . but one day . . .
MK: Bear, you can't have my fishy.
BC: I HATE YOU! Torturing your poor kitty cat with the sniffs of yummy FISHY without bothering to share!
MK: Not everything is about you.
BC: Want to bet?
MK: No.
BC: Coward.
MK: No. Just smart.
BC: I rule you already!
MK: Mostly.
BC: Hand over the FISHY before you get hurt.
MK: No.
BC: I will not accept defiance! Wait, wait! Nooooo! You can't go in the other room and close the door! I have to be in there with you!
BC: MommmmmmMA! Momma? MOMMA?!?!?!? I need to be IN THERE WITH YOU! LET ME IN!
MK: You're something else.
BC: But you love me.
MK: Absolutely.
BC: Then can I have some FISHY?
MK: No.
{Pause}
MK: Sniiiiffff. What is that smell?
BC: I think my kibble gives me gas. FISHY does not.
MK: No. And your kibble does NOT give you gas. Nice try.
BC: {sigh} Denied once again. I better get special snuggles for this!
MK: For as long as you want.


Treats (again):
BC: MoooommmmmMaaaa!
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: I've been following you everrrrrrrrywhere.
MK: Are you glad I'm home?
BC: I want treats! When you've gotten home the past few days, you've given me treats . . . WHERE ARE MY TREATS?
MK: You don't need treats every time.
BC: But I'm sssssssttttarrrrvvvvvvving! Especially since I've been following you everrrrrrrrywhere!
MK: Bear, you know where I keep the treats. If I were going to give you treats, you know I'd open the pantry first . . . there was no need to follow me because I can't pull treats out of my butt.
BC: Eww. I wouldn't want them if you did.
MK: Case closed.
BC: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MK: Could you please stop whining?
BC: WWWWWWWWWWWHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!?


Momma's plate:
BC: Eww! What's this on your plate? It's disgusting!
MK: Get away from my food!
BC: Food left out in the open with no one around = free for all.
MK: Oh yeah? How about I go eat some of your fishy that you left on your plate? It's "unattended."
BC: You wouldn't!
MK: Watch me!
BC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'll never eat off your plate again!
MK: You'll follow that for like five seconds . . . but it's five seconds, so, eh - deal.
BC: What was that disgusting crunchy crap on your plate? It was even worse than my kibble!
MK: Grape stems.
BC: How can you eat them?
MK: I don't.
BC: Then why were they on your plate?
MK: Because I ate all the grapes off them.
BC: So you mean I got in trouble for stealing something of yours that was inedible?
MK: Pretty much.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: Oh, Bear.


Momma's plate (again):

BC: This meat on your plate is disgusting!
MK: Get away from my food!
BC: Dis-gust-ing!
MK: It's not meat.
BC: What?
MK: It's meat substitute.
BC: Why would you eat meat substitute?
MK: I'm just trying it - but some people are vegetarians and don't eat animals.
BC: YOU EAT ANIMALS? What, so you adopted me, fattened me up and when I least expect it, you'll roast me over a spit like a pig? Is that why you bought apples this week?
MK: For crying out loud! What do you think meat is, if not animals?
BC: Meat is meat. It comes from the meat farm. There is fishy meat, and chicken meat and pig meat . . . now I'm hungry. How 'bout dropping some of those salmon nuggets in my food bowl?
MK: Leave me to my meat substitute . . . for not liking it, you sure licked it enough.
BC: Eh. It's a step up the fake meat food chain from kibble.
MK: The number one ingredient in your kibble is turkey - it's not fake meat!
BC: It doesn't gobble! Or taste like meat or even like your fake meat!
MK: I'm starting to think I'll never win.
BC: And you JUST figured this out?


Fishy vs. Kibble:
MK: Guess what, Bear? I bought you food!
BC: Gimme, gimme, gimme! Fishy, fishy, fishy! Come to papa sweet fishy!
MK: Not that kind of food. Kibble.
BC: That's NOT food . . . that's . . .
MK: Don't make me bleep you. And besides, I'm sure homeless, hungry kitties, just like you used to be, would LOVE your kibble.
BC: Like that does me any good! Why can't I have fishy all the time?
MK: Because you like to free feed and I can't leave fishy out all day.
BC: Maybe you can get me a fish tank and I can grab myself a snack when I'm hungry. Fresh!
MK: A) I'm pretty sure if a fish swam in your direction, I'd find you under the bed - even though it couldn't "get" you through the glass, B) You always whine when your paws get wet even though you're the one sticking them in water, and C) You have no idea what to do with a whole fish and would just spend hours licking it.
BC: So when do I get my fish tank?
MK: Never.
BC: I hate you.
MK: That's why I feed you kibble.
BC: Oh . . . you . . . I just . . . that's . . . PHHT!
{Bear struts off to hide out in his corner and pout}
BC: I HEAR you! I'M NOT POUTING! I'm PLOTTING!
MK: My mistake . . .


Tuna and Shrimp:
BC: MomMA! My plate is empty.
MK: I fed you your treat a few minutes ago. If you ate it all, that's it.
BC: You haven't fed me for DAYS! DAYS! Look, there's not one morsel left on my plate. Not one! Woe is me.
MK: Funny, because I remember opening the can of tuna and chicken like 4 minutes ago.
BC: It was tuna and shrimp.
MK: See?!?!?
BC: Drats! Can I have more to make up for the fact that you tricked me?
MK: No.
BC: Quadruple drats!


Bologna:

BC: What's that?
MK: Bologna.
BC: That's baloney?
MK: Yes.
BC: Can I have some?
MK: No.
BC: That's baloney!


Want to read more? Some of our longer conversations also relate to food (okay, most of our conversations mention food at least once, but these are the most relevant):

TMC ISO TWC {HERE}
Where Da Fishy? {HERE}
Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time {HERE}

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