Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Words to live by ... from a cat

Cats are unique and glorious creatures - yet they have quirks that make even the most understanding of humans scratch their heads. A cat is the only pet that will destroy your couch and then blame you for its demise. Cats are easy to love but these aberrations can be hard to understand. It is with that appreciation, admiration, and love that I share Bear's words to live by. This is part 1 of a two post series. The rest of the items will be published Friday.

* It doesn't matter how much I love the wet food variety you fed me 1,983,044 times ... but if you stock up in confidence, I won't eat that variety anymore.


* "Toy" is in the eye of the beholder. If I can bat it, I'll scat it.

* If my favorite toy is under the couch, I demand that Momma rescue it for me. Yes, I know the second one is almost indistinguishable from the first ... but I CAN TELL. Don't try to fool me because you're too lazy to dig my favorite mousie out from under the furniture.

* Laughing is not an appropriate response to me hissing at or biting you. I'm ferocious and you insult my savagery by just laughing. "Look at the cute kitty," is equally insulting.


* Don't come to me. I'll come to you.

* Food. Food. And more food.

* No matter how adorable I am, don't touch me after I bathe! You contaminate my fur that I finally got JUST the way I like it!

* "Because I said so" is not a defensible position unless I say it. Ditto for, "It's for your own good!"

* Food is in the eye of the beholder.

* I'm invisible when I want to be. Even if you THINK you see me ... you don't until I tell you you do.


* I'm totally flexible as long as everything's my way.

* I don't have an anger management problem - I have personality.


* When I'm in your lap, you can get up when I say so.

* I see you staring wistfully and with admiration at the expensive beds, toys, and accessories you buy me. You frequently tell me how wonderful they are. I'd be selfish to use them when they clearly mean so much to you.

* Humans = inferior. OBVIOUSLY.

* As much as I enjoy letting it all hang out without worrying about getting caught - I miss you when you're not here.

* If I had thumbs, I'd rule the world.


* Human = necessary evil.

* I don't know what you do in the room with a huge tub. That chair doesn't look very comfortable and the business must be very serious or you'd let me jump in your lap.

* SHARE? I think not. Sharing is for sissies not able to kick some behind to get what they want. You can have whatever I don't want ... until I want it again (probably shortly after you begin to enjoy it).

* If it involves water, I won't like it. No baths or petting me with wet hands. I choose when I accept getting wet. Like when I escape outside in the pouring rain and dare you to come get me. Or I want to play in my water bowl.


* That look of horror on your face when I misbehave is payment enough every time. Notably, your look when I roll in the mud is the ultimate example of this reaction.

* Telling me to stop misbehaving is useless. I do what I want and I'll suck up all the attention and enjoy performing for you - until you ignore me.

* I love to practice my math skills ... ONE treat ... TWO treats ... THREE treats ... OOPS! I lost count. Let's try that again!

* Does the person who let the dogs out live around here?

* Do the humans intentionally act stupid or are they stupid for real?

* If humans are just over-sized cats, they are the ugliest cats I've ever seen.

* When a person offers you a forever home - make sure to demand they fill out YOUR adoption application ... and get the details and promises in writing!!! Unless you ENJOY being screwed.





* Why don't the humans go to the doctor as often as they make us go to the vet?

* If the vet's office is hell ... why isn't it that warm there?

* You are here at my discretion, not the other way around.

* I REALLY want you to rub my belly ... no I don't ... yeah, I kind of do ... never mind ... I'll kill you if you touch my belly ... why did you stop?

* If I can't see you, you can't see me.




* Play time is over when I say so.

* It's only fair that you get as much exercise as I do when we "play." I'll exercise my eyes watching you run all over like a nut ... and you can be the nut.

* I've billed you for all the times you woke me up because I was adorable, all the petting sessions, and all the times you took my picture. Hand over the deed to my condo calmly.

* Whether I cover my business in the litter box might seem like random whims ... but there's a careful decision process as to whether I cover or not.


I've killed every toy I own at least 100 times. Just so you know what I'm capable of.

* If my bowl is anymore than 3.97521% empty ... I consider my bowl to be empty and starvation-prevention procedures will occur.


* Don't come to me ... I'll come to you. When you're sleeping ... or working ... or going to the bathroom.

* When I'm in the litter box, you are to ignore me. When you're using your messy water litter box, I don't sit there and stare at you [for very long].

* When I sleep during the day please respect that I need my beauty sleep since I was up all night bugging you.


* My adorableness is not a defense when I get annoyed because you disturbed my nap. AGAIN. I'm adorable 24/7/365. Get used to it.

* Most of the time, I can't decide between wanting to kill you and wanting to snuggle.

* Ad hoc nicknames aren't permitted and aren't cute. You named me, you're stuck with it.

* If I'm hiding, there's a good reason.


* I didn't do it. ANY TIME. EVER.

* The counter, kitchen table and your desk are my domain. You get what you ask for when you leave anything breakable or edible out.

* My secret stashed of collectibles are so secret, I don't even know where they are. So don't ask. If you left your toothbrush where I can reach it ... it's on you.

* Visitors are the perfect opportunity to enhance my secret stashes.

* SHINY = MINE. On second thought ... NOT SHINY still equals MINE.

* When I had to share a home with Kitty, you told me I only get one sister. Liar.


* Don't touch unless invited to touch.

* When I'm in my window, or on the cat tree ... actually, ANY TIME ... I want to be left alone UNLESS I make a move toward you.


* You will stop whatever you're doing and admire me when I so desire. You may touch me only if invited to. Otherwise, it's hands off.


* I reserve the right to go outside. And the right to be let back in IMMEDIATELY if necessary. And then go back out again IMMEDIATELY. The human must recognize the urgency and emergency of being on the wrong side of the door.

How many of these do your cat[s] agree with? Come back on Friday for the rest of the list!

50 comments:

  1. If you are a cat then these all ring true. But humans don’t always see, so things look strange to them. Their school report would say “Must try harder, open eyes, and go with the flow!” The fact is it seems to me humans bend cats to their will, or try to. Humans need to be like cats, and not other way round. Cats are the Vulcans in the mix, and you’d have thought the pointy ears would hav3 given that away. Mol
    Toodle pips
    ERin

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    1. We agree. Things like declawing prove that we try to re-make cats in our own image. But cats are glorious and perfect creatures in their own right - I wish more people believed it.

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  2. Well Bear, you sure did a good job telling it like it is. Cats will be cats. Have a great day.

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  3. Bear, you're one funny love bug. MOL on the food thing, we're getting ready to donate cases of food we quite eating when the Dad stocked up.

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    1. Hahahaha. My Momma's already donated quite a bit! ~Bear Cat

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  4. I love touching my cat Jake right after he takes a bath, hahaha. Then he needs to take another bath because he smells like a human. He gets so mad. It's just a little payback for the 3 a.m. whisker wake-up that he loves to give me. ;)

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    1. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don't give Momma any ideas! ~Bear Cat

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  5. You are so-o right, Bear! I especially agree with the rule for humans not to touch the furrs right after we have bathed ourselves (though they seem to break the rule OFTEN); and that the counter, kitchen desk and table are a kitty's domain. Paw High Fives!

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  6. Paisley & Webster definitely agree with the one about suddenly not liking the wet food they've gobbled up a zillion times before! :)

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    1. Stinkers! I think they just like to mess with us!

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  7. dood...984 pawz UP !!!!!! thiz post rocks.....ewe nailed it even
    with out de use oh a hammerz....bravo, apple core anda standin ovashunz
    frum uz in TT !! ☺☺♥♥♥

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  8. This is paw some advice, Bear!

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  9. I love love love this post Bear.
    The biggest rule around here is #87....'the rules change in the blink of an eye, so humans beware"!!
    You know we can't let the humans get too comfortable.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  10. AMARULA: For some reason my human is laughing hysterically. Is it possible she does not see the wisdom in your words? My favs were: "I'm ferocious and you insult my savagery by just laughing. "Look at the cute kitty" AND Don't come to me I'll come to you! WORDS TO LIVE BY

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    1. Thank you! If Amarula likes it, you know it's good! ~Bear Cat

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  11. We have to agree with you on most of those things, Bear.

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  12. Oh yes Bear, this all sounds so familiar.

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  13. You are such a wise kitty, Bear! And your adoption application is very thorough MOL!

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    1. Thank you. Cuts down on the disappointments ... for us cats ;) ~Bear Cat

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  14. Sam agrees with all the food related ones! Oh, and by the way, I got her the American Journey food you reviewed, and the first can was a hit! We have no idea where it will go from here though. :)
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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    Replies
    1. That just figures. I truly don't understand. One time the cats will love something and the next, they turn up their noses. I suspect some conspiracy because their tastes couldn't be so similar!

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  15. Yep, you pretty much covered everything. PS: I'm sorry to hear you, too, have to go back to the Stabby Place. PPS: mom can really relate to the expensive stuff line up above. She feels guilty when she can't really buy us the pricey stuff, but when she does, we don't really much care for it. It's just a cat thing.

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    Replies
    1. Being a blogging cat is nice - we get free stuff so Momma doesn't feel as bad about us being poor :)

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  16. Bear you are nothing if not thorough!
    You make our demands seem trifling compared to your extensive list! We know your Mama loves you a lot because you seem a tad (just a tad mind you, since as your friends we are on your side!!)onerous about all your demands and expectations! Our mama says she hopes Ellie is less grueling ;p
    Tell your Mama we are o.k. Some times out Mama finds it difficult to visit and post between work and all the other things going on in life. It's a high stress time for her right now but she has you all in mind and hopes you are all doing well xx

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! We're glad to hear that you all are okay!

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  17. Some true, some hilarious and some so sweet ("I miss you when you're not here.")! We all know you're just a big softie, Bear. And I don't mean big like fat. You know what I mean.

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    1. Everyone's gotta knock my weight! HMPH. I'm just fluffy! ~Bear Cat

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  18. "I didn't do it. ANY TIME. EVER."
    Especially without forensic evidence!

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  19. I agree with you about the food! As soon as Mommy stocks up on a new food, I won't eat it! MOL I won't even lick it! And you make a good point about the vet! If humans say it's hell going there, why isn't it hot? They make such a big deal about it.

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only kitty thinking about all this! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Bear I seriously think this is one of our most FAVORITE posts of yours EVER!!! These are just great! (you need to put them in a book!)

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  21. Ah Bear, such truth here. I would only add one slight adjustment on the adoption form to make it much shorter, here's our version.
    To the Human)s), Please acknowledge your agreement by signing below:
    It's our world and you're just living it.
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Tucker, Jasmine, Lily, Oliver & Alberto

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    1. I always do everything the hard way! Your is much simpler and more accurate! ~Bear Cat

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  22. Well Bear, we like the mine all mine theory. We live by that. Everythin' in our house belongs to us, we just let mommy use it. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  23. The wild and wonderfully whacky world of cats!

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  24. Thank you, Bear. This should be required reading for all humans!

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  25. Hey, when the peeps tell ME I'm misbehavin', I kinda take that as a dare. MOUSES!

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