Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Mr. Know-it-all

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

{Bear wakes up to see Ellie staring at him intently from a few inches away from his face}

BC: Do you mind?
EM: No. Not really.
BC: What do you want?
EM: Where do Momma and The Boy go overnight? I can't find them anywhere! All of a sudden, they just disappear! For an entire night!
BC: That's classified information.
EM: Come on, Bear! Tell me! Now that I don't have to stay in my room all night - I sometimes want lovings at four am.

BC: Good luck on that one. I try to get midnight lovings and Momma ignores me! The best chance you have is sticking your claw up her nose, clawing her eye lids, or sticking your tongue in her ear. Of course, you can also barf dramatically or howl like you're dying.
EM: That seems a little ... umm ... EXCESSIVE?!?
BC: HEY! Who's new here?!? Who knows what's up around here?!?!
EM: You wouldn't know what's up if it was shoved so far up your butt that it came out your mouth right in front of your face.
BC: HEY! You're the one asking ME about where they are!
EM: Where are they?
BC: Well, I guess every cat finds out what the humans do every night at some point.
EM: I meow and meow and they don't come out of their hiding places.
BC: THAT'S why you meow like that?!? I thought you were just blabby like Momma. WOMEN! I never hear the end of it! Can't live with them, can't strangle them to make them shut up. Now there are TWO of you!
EM: So where are the humans?
BC: What I'm about to tell you ... don't tell anyone.
EM: Oooooh! Is it juicy?
BC: Oh, PLEASE. This is MOMMA we're talking about. The only thing juicy about Momma is her doughnut butt. Other than that ... BOOOOOORRRING!

EM: SO TELL ME!!!
BC: Momma sleeps hanging upside down from the ceiling of the walk in closet.
EM: WHHHOOOOOOOOOOA! Like a BAT?!?! No wonder I can't find her! I wasn't looking up!
BC: There's also a couple rumors that she's a vampire. Probably shouldn't let her get close to your neck. Just saying.
EM: Before The Boy lived here, it was just you and Momma. Who started the rumors?
BC: Oh, you know ... things just go around. I didn't say them!
EM: But if it's just you and her ... SHE wouldn't start the ...
BC: STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!
EM: Wait. You said one way you wake her up is sticking your claw up her nose. How do you reach her nose when she's hanging upside ...
BC: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW OR NOT?!?!
EM: Umm ... I guess ...
BC: And dumbnuts ...
EM: You mean Daddy? THE BESTEST LAP EVER!

BC: Yeah, whatever you say, 
you poor misguided kid.
EM: You jump on his lap! I've SEEN you!
BC: Only because it really burns Momma's biscuit when I prefer dumbnuts. I don't LIKE it ... I just do it to stick it to Momma! Anyway, he sleeps under the bed.
EM: REALLY?!?! Why? Is he scared like you?!?
BC: Have you ever LOOKED at Momma?!?! Or even worse ... heard her "sing" or seen her "dance?" That junk will haunt you for the rest of your life. There's not enough mind bleach in the UNIVERSE for even one of those.
EM: Maybe you're just a scared-y cat!
BC: I'm not SCARED. Bear Cat doesn't get SCARED. I just know when I'm outmatched.
EM: From a tiny mechanical toy?
BC: How was I supposed to know it had an off button?
EM: Momma said it had you pinned in the corner and you weren't smart enough to realize you could jump OVER it.
BC: You believe MOMMA over ME?!?!
EM: I'm sorry, do I really look that stupid? OF COURSE I believe Momma over you! I might be new here, but I'm not an idiot!
BC: ANYWAY ... dumbnuts hides under the bed just in case there's a Barbie apocalypse.

EM: That can't be right.
BC: Err ... rabbit apocalypse? Rabid rabbit?!
EM: You are REALLY stupid! You make all kinds of claims and you can't even get the terms right because you have NO CLUE what you're talking about! I think you meant ZOMBIE apocalypse.
BC: That's what I ...
EM: No. You didn't!
BC: Yes, I ...
MK: {walking into the room} Good morning, kitties.
EM: Hi, Momma! PET ME PET ME PET ME!!! I missed you!
BC: Barf.
EM: I want to sleep like you!
MK: What do you mean, "like me?"
EM: Upside down!
MK: I don't sleep upside down!
EM: Like a bat!
MK: Why would you think ...
{Pause}
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!

MK: While you were in your room every night, Bear slept cuddled up to me.
EM: Upside down?!?!
{Bear snickers}
MK: I really don't think Bear is the best source of information.
EM: But it was the truth when he told me you keep fish in the tub in the bathroom! RIGHT?!?!
MK: Wait a ... is that why you spend so much time sitting on the edge of the tub?

EM: That or to see the shark.
BC: I'M the shark!!!
MK: Ellie, we don't have any fish! Not in the tub or any sink. We don't have any living fish!

BC: HEY! What about me?!?! I'M THE SHARK!!!
EM: You didn't adopt a monkcorn?
MK: What's a monkcorn?
BC: NO! It's called a unikey.
MK: What in the heck are you two talking about?
EM: You adopted a half monkey, half unicorn!
MK: For the love of ...
BC: Note that SHE DIDN'T DENY IT!!!

EM: ... and then turned it into a frog?
BC: BADA-BOOM!!! We've got a witch on our hands. Where's your broom, Momma?!?
EM: A vampire AND a witch?!?! Is that some kind of record?
MK: Ellie ...
BC: Phht. That's why she needed a black cat!
EM: NO! Momma chose me because I'm PRETTY and loving! She REALLY likes when I dance for her! Everyone knows black cats are extra special!
BC: Whatever.
EM: You've wanted to be a black cat your entire life!
BC: Is that a trick ... {sigh} ... yeah. Oh, the cruelty! I'm SCREWED! I must face my lack of blackness every time you walk past me! Do you know what that does to a guy? To see what he wants to be with all his heart RIGHT in front of him? 
EM: Well, since I don't want to be an idiot ... I guess I don't understand.

BC: Bite a guy while he's down! Your time will come!
MK: Come on, you two. You have all night for this nonsense. I don't know how many times a night you two wake me up with your nonsense.
EM: Does it sound any different when you're hanging upside down?
MK: {sigh} Ellie, Bear lied to you. No one sleeps upside down around here.
BC: She started it! She's always whapping away at my tail.
MK: Bear, you could just come and sleep with me like you used to. Why don't you sleep with me anymore?
BC: I can't! I have to watch Ellie!
MK: WHY?!?!
BC: {whispering} Don't tell her I said this ... but I don't trust her.
MK: Bear!
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: How much do you know about her? You just meet a cat on the street and bring her inside with you?!?! Do you even know who she really is?!? She might be a spy!
MK: She wasn't on the street! But since you mentioned it, I brought YOU in off the street.
BC: She might steal my cat tree! {GASP} Or my food bowl! Nope. I don't trust her.

MK: So you give up snuggling with me overnight to watch Ellie?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I have to watch her very carefully so there's no funny business!
EM: Oh, PLEASE! You SLEPT! You didn't watch me!
BC: How do you know?
EM: Because you went to sleep on your banana and now I'M sitting on it.

BC: {GASP} THIEF! You STOLE my banana right out from under my nose! This is NOT okay!
{Pause}
BC: {to Momma} SEE!!! She can't be trusted! She STOLE my banana right out from under me! 
EM: You never miss a meal and you never miss a nap.

BC: And you never miss a chance to make me look stupid!
EM: You don't need any help with that!
BC: HEY! I ... YOU ...
{Momma snickers}
BC: {to Momma} I HATE YOU! You'll pay for this! You better sleep with one eye open!
EM: Phht. Like you can stay up that long. And it seems like YOU should be the one sleeping with one eye open after what happened to the banana.
BC: You think this is funny?!?
EM: No. I think YOU'RE funny! 
BC: Thank ...
EM: Funny RIDICULOUS!

BC: Never trust a woman. She'll steal your catnip banana and then beat you over the head with it.
{Looking back and forth between Momma and Ellie}
BC: HEY! Don't get mad at me! It's not MY fault you both are grumpy!
{Silence}
BC: {sigh} Yes. Yes. I'm grounded. {walking away} Don't even bother saying it. 
{Pause}
BC: But JUST so we understand each other ... THE BOY said that stuff. I just repeated it.
EM: The only living things that just repeat stuff they hear without thinking first are dummies!
BC: WHO believed Momma sleeps upside down?!
EM: That's diff ...
The Boy: What?!? Did I hear my name?
BC: YES! Yes, you did! Ellie was just talking about dummies!
MK: You told Bear that a woman will steal your catnip banana and then beat you over the head with it?
The Boy: OF COURSE NOT! I'm not going to the doghouse because of HIM! AGAIN!
BC: Wait .... DOG?!?!? WHERE?!?!?

{Bear runs down the hall and under the bed}
EM: If we put up a, "No idiots allowed," sign, do you think he'd get the message?
The Boy: This IS Bear we're talking about. You could literally beat that boy with a catnip banana and he STILL wouldn't get it. 
EM: Hahahahahaha.
The Boy: With all his Sturm and Drang ... his bad-ass-ery is just about as existent as the monkcorn.
BC: {from under the bed} HEY! It's a UNIKEY!

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44 comments:

  1. Wow, she had your nanna away from you in the night! Dude, you seriously need to get a grip of that, and get momma to come out and sleep with you and Ellie, that way you get the snuggles and a chance for nap whilst momma stands (lays) guard.
    Toodle pip
    ERin
    PS or you could just get a security cam and record the proof... who knows what you could discover?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! It's so cold! From RIGHT under MY nose! And my Momma didn't ground her! You're right! We need a security camera and motion-activated alarms on the banana. ~Bear Cat

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  2. Poor you!

    I'm glad I don't have to share my mum with anyone (though I've seen her giving the eye to some guy recently so I'm a bit worried).

    Purrs xx
    Athena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sharing isn't ALWAYS bad ... like when Momma gets grabby or some kitty misbehaves ;) ~Bear Cat

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  3. Male/female stuff doesn't matter...it's LOVE that's the thing!

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  4. guyz...FISH IN DE BATH TUB !!!!!!! now yur talkin a way kewl houz...
    total lee better N hole chciknz in de pantree ☺☺ N trust uz, ya due
    knot.....for any thing any day....wanna ever heer de food serviss
    gurl round heer sing....it wood even scare... vampirez !! ☺☺♥♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The first time Momma sang after she adopted me ... I thought the world was ending! My ears will never be the same! ~Bear Cat

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  5. You don't sleep in your Momma's bed and take over the whole thing? Now that's not right, not right at all. I sleep in the bed and Lexy brings her toys to Mommy all night, meowing very loudly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love my Momma ... but now we have to share the bed with HIM. I think NOT. ~Bear Cat
      ps - I used to carry in a bunch of toys to Momma's bed each night ;)

      Delete
  6. AMARULA: THIEF! THIEF! How dare she take your banana--what is happening at your house Bear?! Is there no justice for that interloper? PS Play-Doh is back!!! You can read about it on Monday's post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My theory is that Play-Doh is actually after you, Amarula! Be careful! Anyone with a name like "Play-Doh" can't be trusted! {Like Frodo would be smart enough to see the danger. Phht.} ~Bear Cat

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  7. I am not a bed sleeper either well when the peeps are in them anyway BECAUSE their feets are wild and then that makes me wild and well the two don't mix well. So I normally sleep away from flying feets at night
    Hugs madi your bffff

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    Replies
    1. Very wise! Bear told me he's been {accidentally} kicked off the bed before! ~Ellie Mae

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  8. Dang, it's never a good thing when the idiot alerts start going off!

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  9. Banana thiefs, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. I know you'd miss your banana thief sister if she weren't there, Bear!

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    Replies
    1. I'd like to test that theory! PLEASE?!?! ~Bear Cat

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  10. My goodness, what imaginations. Our cats do not like me to whistle. Chloe Jo plays guitar with Dad, though. ❤

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  11. BC: that paw was awfully close to your face. Just sayin'. EM: everyone KNOWS that the rabbit 'pocolypse is really a thing. Trust us. Duck and cover. Or drop and roll. Or something like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RABID rabbit!!! That's even scarier!!! Then again ... I've survived Momma for ten years ... so maybe I'm immune?!?! ~Bear Cat

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  12. You definitely should go back to sleeping with your Momma, Bear. I bet she's really missing you!

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  13. I love that top picture! I love reading these dialogues. There are always so many funny things said. You guys are just always a delight to visit. I love hearing the banter between Bear and everyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. That means so much to us. Really. We know we can't fix the bad things that happen - but we can at least provide a little laughter and love - and it means so much when we hear that we succeed!

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  14. I never sleep in the bed with my pawrents either, that's GROSS!!! I wanna see your Mama hang upside down. Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

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  15. You two crack me up. Your Momma really needs to get another nip nana.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another ten?!? You know, JUST IN CASE?!? ~Bear Cat

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  16. MOL ! You definitely need another nip nanner ! Purrs

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  17. She's got your number Mr. Unikey. Time to get a fresh banana.

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    Replies
    1. Seven? She never guessed my lucky number because I keep it a ... a ... RATS! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Just think, Bear & Ellie, if your momma really kept fishes in the bathtub you could have fresh fishes for every meal! I think my mom & your mom are vampires, 'cause they both have very pale skin like they might burn up if they saw the sun! Maybe you could invest in nana stock. Your bantering back in forth is always so silly & fun! Hugs & purrs!

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    Replies
    1. I'll give up my tasty whole chicken farm dream if she turns the bathtub into an aquarium! ~Bear Cat

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  19. Waaaaaitaminit - banananasare SACRED stuffs. Just meowin' ~ Faraday

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  20. I don't know how anybody gets any sleep there - with the unicorns, zombies, bats, and banana thieves loose in the house!
    Maybe you need more cats...
    xxoo
    Maggie, Mickey Mouser, and Rufus the Red

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  21. Now now Bear and Ellie, ya'll should be nicer to each other. After all, sounds like you're all each other has at night when da spookies come out. We're sure glad we don't have to wonder where mommy sleeps at night. She gently carries us both to bed with her where we say our purrayers fur all our furiends befur goin to sleep next to each other. Mommy takes her edge of da twin sized hospital bed and we take da lions share, cuz of course we be mini lions. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  22. But why don't both Bear and Ellie sleep with Momma? Is Bear staying away because he doesn't want to share her?

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