Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Junk in the trunk

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: I really hate the weekends.
EM: Why?!?! We get TONS of snuggle time! I can snuggle with my Daddy ALL DAY!
BC: Barf. You haven't noticed that, on the weekends, Momma and The Boy have nothing to do - so they pick us up and try to snuggle us most of the weekend? Not to mention, Momma's bored and keeps chasing us around with that stupid camera.

EM: She can't help it! I'm adorable!
BC: Oh, yeah. SURE. YOU'RE the reason she takes so many pictures.
EM: What else would it be?! You look like a furry meatloaf. What's cute about that?
BC: HEY! I'm CUTE! I'm VERY cute!
EM: Denial ain't just the river in Egypt.
BC: You turn every conversation into making fun of me!
EM: You make it easy!
BC: AS I WAS SAYING ... I hate the weekends because the humans are all up in our face. We're only safe during the work week!
EM: I LIKE cuddling with my Daddy.

BC: Suck up.
EM: I'd rather be a suck up than bite the hand that feeds me.
BC: How many times do I have to explain to you that Momma feeds me with her RIGHT hand and I bite her left?
{Pause}
EM: I got it! I got it! Bear! Look what I caught!

BC: HEY! That's my tail!
EM: No, it's not. It's ... it's ... some kind of tiny worm.
BC: TINY?!?! I'll have you know my tail isn't TINY!
EM: This isn't your tail.

BC: Yes, it is!
{Pause}
{WHAP!}
BC: STOP IT!
EM: SHHHHH!!! I'm hunting!
BC: Yeah! MY tail!
EM: It's not your tail! It's flicking all over in front of me. Surely it wants me to chase and kill it.

BC: IT'S MY TAIL!
EM: Don't be ridiculous. 
BC: I think I know what's my tail and what's NOT my tail!
EM: Why would I want YOUR tail?!? 
BC: HEY! What's wrong with my tail?
EM: It's short and thin. I have a beautiful, long, bushy tail! Why would I want yours?
BC: HEY! It's bad enough you can't leave my tail alone ... but now you insult it?!? AGAIN?!?!
EM: The pink elephant's tail in Momma's dream must've been longer than yours. She did you a favor!

BC: She also dreamed I changed into a cow! No doubt, another jab at my weight. You got to be the tiger! Momma clearly has some latent and repressed animosity toward me.
EM: You DO bite her an awful lot. And you've pulled quite a few stunts.
BC: Oh, shut up! A cat gets his paw stuck in a toaster and he never hears the end of it!
EM: I don't think that's the ONLY ...
BC: I think Momma has some voodoo magical powers. She jokes about turning me into a toad ... she takes the broom in the closet for a spin every so often ... her cooking tastes like feet ... she says a lot of things that sound like gibberish ... she's a few spells short of a vocabulary textbook ... I highly suspect she collects our fur and clips our claws for her concoctions - instead of for our benefit ... And now she has a black cat and her face has taken on a green-ish tint?!? If we move to a house made of candy or she develops warts ... I swear, I'll quit!
EM: Your poop HAS been really stinky lately.
BC: What does that have to do with anything?!?
EM: The green-ish tint to Momma's face! Smelling your poop would knock anyone out.
BC: Like your poop doesn't stink!

EM: Phht. Nope. It does. I just have the courtesy to cover it.
{Pause}
BC: On second thought ... she brushed my teeth last night and clipped my claws, so maybe the proper term for her starts with a 'b.' 
{THUNK}
MK: OW!
BC: I didn't do it!
The Boy: Honey?!
EM: DADDY?!?! Daddy?!?! Are you okay?
BC: What's wrong with you?!?! HE'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! Clearly the noise wasn't from him.
The Boy: I'm okay.
EM: If you're okay, that's all that matters. Your lap is irreplaceable!
{Silence}
BC: {running to find Momma} Momma?!?! MOMMA!!!! You better be alive or ... or ... I'll kill you! {To The Boy} CALL 999! We might need an ambulance!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... they don't deliver tasty whole chickens do they?!? I mean, being without tasty whole chickens IS an emergency! We could kill two birds with one stone so to speak.
EM: How did this idiot survive so long?
The Boy: You aren't kidding. He's ... umm ... "special."
BC: {running into the bathroom to find Momma on the floor} Are you okay?
MK: Yes, I just ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I don't want to know which of your iniquities caught up with you.

MK: YOU LOVE ME! It's so sweet you came running and worried about me ...
BC: So I'm not stuck with dumbnuts and dumber-nuts?!? Hmmm ... or maybe that should be dumb-nuttier?! Dumber-nuttier?
MK: What?
BC: Intelligence flashed before my eyes.
{Pause as Bear hears snickering from the other room}
BC: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!!! {To himself} Son of a ... I REALLY must stop and think before I open my tasty whole chicken trap.
MK: So the only reason you came to check up on me is because you didn't want to be left with The Boy and Ellie?
BC: Of course not! I'm not completely without scruples. I also wanted to be sure I'd get my wet food treat.
MK: Bear ...
BC: So you'll be alive to give me my wet food treat in less than an hour?
MK: I think so ...
BC: You THINK so!?!? You THINK so?!?!? I don't think so! Nope. Yes or no.
MK: {sighing} Yes, you'll get your wet food treat.
BC: Phew! My wet food treat passed before my eyes. That was close. I almost starved. 
{Pause}
BC: Look at my butt, Momma! It's tiny! I need more junk in my trunk.

MK: BEAR! Do you REALLY have to show me your butt while I'm laying on the floor?
BC: How ELSE will you realize the severity of the problem? On the floor ... or on the toilet ... equals a captive audience.
MK: You couldn't wait for me to gather my wits?
BC: What wits?!? You've been GATHERING wits for a long time ... you just don't have much to show for it.
MK: Bear ...
BC: I saw what you did the other day! You set your black t-shirt on the bed as you put your pants on ... then you started petting the t-shirt because you thought it was Ellie
MK: I just woke up!! And out of the side of my eye ...
BC: You're always walking into things ... doors ... walls ... FURNITURE ... trying to flip light switches in places the light switches have never been ... you burn yourself just about every time you cook ... you refuse to iron because you always burn yourself ... you burn all the kitchen utensils to the stove top. If it's stupid ... you've done it!
EM: {heard from the other room} She adopted you!
MK: {getting up} I fell out of the shower!
BC: You should be more careful stepping out of the shower!
MK: I wasn't stepping out of the shower! I FELL out of the shower in the middle of my shower!
BC: You can't make this stuff up!

MK: Bear, I was leaning out of the tub to grab something in the drawer of the vanity when I slipped and fell out of the tub.
BC: My personal favorite Momma story is from last year. You stepped on your desk chair to reach something on the ceiling - forgetting your new desk chair tilts back - it tilted and your weight went backward ... and TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMBBEEEEEEEEEER!!! Then you did it again a few days later. Your wrist was messed up for a YEAR! I really need to learn how to use that stupid camera!
{Momma steps back in the shower}
BC: WHOOOOOOOOAA! You've got a GINORMOUS bruise on your butt! Holy cat crap on a cracker ... it's the size of your ENTIRE butt!
MK: Just kick a person when they're down.
BC: But you got up already! And you're not a person! You're a Momma! I didn't mean to imply that your butt was ginormous too ... but if the ginormous pants fit ... let's just say that you don't need any more junk in your trunk.
MK: Never mind.
BC: I'll be right back.
{Bear runs out ... Momma hears whispers and giggling from the other room ... then Bear's back ... this time sitting on the bath mat so that he can watch Momma as she finishes her shower}.
BC: {meowing away} I'm NEVER going to be able to erase this image from my poor mind! BURNED into my consciousness for the rest of my life! But yet, I must do what's right! I must make sure my sister and I get fed! Oh, the sacrifices I make ... the burdens I bear. Perhaps that's why I was named Bear ... to bear the world's suffering and pain so that others might live!
{Momma rolls her eyes}
BC: It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.

MK: {muttering to herself} And he tells me I keep talking and can't shut up.
BC: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. 
MK: BEAR!
BC: {meowing away} Don't BEAR me! You're the one who almost killed yourself by falling OUT of the bathtub! PAY ATTENTION!!!! Do you know what it would do to me to lose you?!?! NO! 
MK: Awww. Bear ...
BC: {meowing away} NO! I'd be stuck with dumbnuts! And he'd put me on a DIET! He gets mad at me for biting him! What would I do with all my furry fury?!?! I'd never be the same!!!
The Boy: {from the other room} You think I'D keep YOU?!?!
BC: Would you send me to a tasty whole chicken farm?!? Because if so, let's negotiate!
MK: HEY! I'm not going anywhere. And you're not going anywhere. 
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
MK: You don't have to sit here and watch the rest of my ...
BC: Huh. You're right. If you fell out of the shower again, you'd cat-cake me! 

{Bear steps back a few feet}
BC: Now, where was I?!? Oh, yeah. STOP BEING DUMB! Stop doing dumb stuff! If you don't stop it, I'll kill you myself!!!
MK: {getting out of the shower} I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah ... whatever.
{Pause}
BC: PSST! Come closer! 
{Momma leans down}
BC: {Almost whispering} I love you too, Momma. 


❀ From A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

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42 comments:

  1. Nice to see you have your peeps health and wellbeing at heart. Always view peeps from a safe distance if they are prone to tripping and colliding, or stepping down without due care and attention. The latter is a major offence in the Palace and punishable by providing copious amounts of nip and cream... I think you should inflict such punishment on your peep... being hard to be kind and as it were. Maybe the major accidents will stop and you will be left with only minor ones that illicit parts of chickens?! Arrr!
    Cat'ptain ERin

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    1. Brilliant! A tasty whole chicken tax for gracelessness?!?

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  2. Hey, that trunk? Is that the one that holds the Pirate Treasure MOL!?!?

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  3. Owww.. your poor mom. And we know the truth, BC, you really WERE worried about her.

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  4. Yikes, gotta be careful! And we ALL know the Bear loves his momma, every day, all the time!

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  5. guyz...ow.....we hope yur momz aye oh kay; fallen outta de bathe had ta hurt like
    soundz like swell....

    ♥♥♥ oh...N ya wanna talk BAD COOK........ewe ever come ta trout towne ewe will wanna
    eat litter bee fore ya eat de food servizz gurlz cookin !! ☺☺

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha. She was sore for a little while, but she's okay now.

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  6. Oh No poor Mom. Glad she was all right. Good Bear for being concerned. And what a sweet ending. Have a good day.

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    Replies
    1. She was sore for a little while ... but she's fine now :)

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  7. Ouch....Moms are not ever supposed to be sick or injury...those are the rules
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. Leave it to my Momma to not know the rules! The rules only apply to me! ~Bear Cat

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  8. Awww, you really are an ol' softie, Bear. Hope Momma isn't too black & blue!

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    1. She was sore for a little while ... but she's fine now :) Yeah, Bear's a softie, but don't tell anyone!

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  9. Injuries?!?!?! Mortal terror. This blog is a dangerous to human kind!!

    * helpless giggles *

    Marjorie and the Dash Kitten Crew

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    Replies
    1. Dangerous to human kind since 2015. WATCH OUT! ;)

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  10. "Her cooking tastes like feet." Are you talking about MK or the lady, MOL! Bear, I think you were worried about her, and we hope she's okay. Falling out of the shower cannot feel good! Ellie, seeing those pics of you playing with Bear's tail always make me smile.

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    Replies
    1. She was sore for a little while ... but she's fine now :)

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  11. Our assistants may possibly be related because mine falls out of the shower, off desk chairs, etc. ALL the time. Just a few days ago she wiped out in the front yard in front of the neighbors. I may never be able sit in the front window with my head held high again.

    XOXO, Rosie

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    Replies
    1. I make sure everyone knows we aren't related by blood. ~Bear Cat
      ps - I actually prefer the absent-minded messes more than the weepy, emotive ones ... I have street cred to uphold lady!

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  12. Oh, Bear, you'd be so sad if something really bad ever happened to your momma! Hope she's healing and learned her lesson, though! :-) Safety first in the bathroom!

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    Replies
    1. She's good now. She was sore for a good couple weeks though!

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  13. Maybe you're named Bear because you are the perfect recipient of bear hugs? Huh? Maybe? We hope you helped nurse your bruised Momma back to health, Bear!

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    1. Ummm ... "nurse?" I sat there as she moaned and groaned on the couch and I laughed at her. Does that count? ~Bear Cat

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  14. You better keep a close eye on your Momma, Bear, and tell her not to do these things that get her hurt. You don't want to lose your only reliable source of wet food! :)

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    1. Erm ... surely you don't mean to keep a close eye on her in the shower. I mean, I love my Momma and all, but some things just can't be unseen! ~Bear Cat

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  15. You are a very clever handsome kitty, Bear. Nice to know your Mum is OK.

    When my mum takes a bath I don't like it when she shuts me out and I hear all those gurgling noises from the plug as the water goes down. I start to meow loudly as I don't want any monster hurting my mum!

    Purrs xx
    Athena

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    1. My Momma gave up on closing the door ... either I sat outside the door ripping up carpet ... or I was stuck inside and threw a temper tantrum. You're a sweet girl, Athena :) ~Bear Cat

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  16. Oh Bear, you know what they say? "Tiny tail, big...." 😇

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    1. TEETH?!?! I have big teeth! Ask my Momma! She's got some big bruises where my teeth embedded themselves. Why? Because they can! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Oh no! Momma fell out of the shower? And you almost had to starve! This was a very upsetting post. But it's a good thing that these blog thingies don't come in smell-o-vision. I got enough of that going on here at my house when Frank's tummy is too full. Glad Momma has recovered and is back to serving your noms right on schedule.

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    1. Sounds like Frank could give Ellie a run for her money ...
      I still can't get all the images bleached from my mind! Some things just can't be unseen! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Dear Mr Bear and Ms Ellie,
    What a horrible event! To think your Mommy had an accident and would be unable to feeds you. Your poor cats! I am discovering that my Mommy is quite accident prone as well. Alas, my Daddy only comes infrequently and when he does, he brings Kozmo, Jo Jo and Cinnamon. He does NOT put warm water in my food and give it to me in a special place, but puts it beside Jo Jo and Kozmo's. I fear I would starve, so I too will be extra vigilant for my Mommy, as you are Mr Bear.
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. We have to be responsible men of the house! ~Bear Cat

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  19. *whispers* When I saw the name of this post I thought you were talking about Lexy's butt MOL MOL MOL

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    1. Hahahahahahaha. We could've been talking about Bear's butt too! ~Ellie

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  20. MOL! MOL! Oh my, what a homelife you have Bear! It is a standup comedy stage! Audiences would sympathize with you my pal. They would understand your trials and tribulations. I keep telling Dad to up the home insurance, 'cause my mom is a hazard in the kitchen, too! The other day she caught a burner on fire! Maybe our moms are related?! I think she thought she had magical powers that backfired. Protect that tail of yours so it doesn't truly get turned into a worm! Tee hee hee!

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    1. I ***ALMOST*** feel sorry for my Momma! And yours ;) ~Bear Cat

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  21. Poor mom ! We hope she feels good enough to feed you on time ! Purrs

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    1. She was sore for a week or so, but everything's back to normal now.

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