Friday, September 22, 2017

Adventures in cat daddy-ing

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: The cat daddy

"HELP" ...
The Boy: I hate this mouse!
BC: Mouse? Did you say ... {looking both ways} ... MOUSE?!?!

The Boy: This stupid mouse is too sensitive.
BC: Tell it to buck up or I'll teach it a thing or two.
The Boy: Buck up? How would that ...
BC: Phht. Like you have mouse handling skills. I AM the mouse expert. You probably think my micey are real mice!
The Boy: I don't know what you're talking ... the computer won't let me change the mouse settings.
BC: Mice have settings?!?!? 
The Boy: Yeah. You can choose pointers and pointer options, switch buttons, and adjust the wheel. 
BC: Choose pointers?!? I've got a pointer for the heathen ... BUCK UP and stop acting like a baby. Another pointer?!?! I'M THE SHARK! And the shark is always hungry for mouse. If you're in this house, you belong to me!
The Boy: Bear ...
BC: Yeah. You're right. YOU don't belong to me. Nope. I wouldn't claim you unless you owned a tasty whole chicken farm.
The Boy: Thanks! I'll buy a tasty whole chicken farm just for your approval!
BC: COOL!!!!! Huh. Maybe you're not as bad as I thought ...
The Boy: I was being sarcastic!
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME for not lowering myself to your intelligence level.

{Pause as Bear thinks}
The Boy: FINALLY! Silen ... !
BC: I don't understand why a mouse would have a wheel though. Wait a second ... you put the mouse on a diet! That's why he has a wheel. Better him than me. Maybe if you weren't starving him, he'd be less sensitive. Have you made rude comments about his weight and girth? He definitely has a little belly there.
The Boy: Bear! That's not what I'm ...
BC: You said your mouse has buttons ... what exactly are those for?! Maybe an "off" button? Like a remote? Do mice run on remotes? Or buttons like a sweater? 
The Boy: Why do I even try ...
BC: To not be annoying? I don't know.

The Boy: I have to use the bathroom.
BC: Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on your mouse.
The Boy: Err ... thanks?
{The Boy is gone for a few minutes and then ...}
{WHACK}
BC: Take THAT!
{Whack}
BC: And THIS! 
{Pause}
BC: Prepare to die! 
The Boy: {to himself} I can't leave him alone for five seconds! My poor mouse ...
EM: {walking into the bathroom while The Boy is still using the facilities} Did you say ... {looking both ways} ... MOUSE?!?!
The Boy: Why do you both say it that way?!?!
{He notices Ellie is already gone ... so he closes the door to discourage more "visitors."}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
EM: The Boy just closed the door to the bathroom! I think he's got some tasty whole chickens in there.
BC: WHAT?!?! TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS! THEY'VE FINALLY ARRIVED!
{Bear jumps down and runs to the closed bathroom door}
BC: LET ME IN!!! I know you're in there with my tasty whole chickens!

BC: If you don't let me in, I'll break this door down!!
{Pause} 
BC: I'll give you until the count of ten. One ... two ... three ... nine ... TEN! Here I come!!!
{THUNK!}
BC: OW.
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I hate this door. For some reason, I always find myself on the wrong side of it and it's not so easy to bust open. HELLO! HELLO! Let me in! Let me in!
The Boy: Can't I get some peace and quiet around here?!?
BC: You live with two cats. Let me in!
The Boy: If I let you in to look around and make sure there aren't any chickens in here, will you leave me alone?
BC: YES!

{The Boy opens the bathroom door ... Bear looks around ...}
BC: What are you doing?
The Boy: What do you mean, what am I doing?! What does it LOOK like I'm doing?
{From the other room ... WHACK!!!}
EM: Take THAT, sucker!
{WHACK! WHACK!}
BC: Uh oh. I gotta go. BYE!
{Bear runs back to the office and Ellie's attack on the mouse in progress}
BC: I have this under control, Ellie. Back off! AHEM!
{Pause}
BC: Mousie, I'll make you pay ...
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's an alien mouse! It's an alien mouse!
The Boy: Oh for pete's sake!
BC: It caught me in its tractor beam! I'm cat toast! It's going to beam me up to the mother ship! I'll be abducted by aliens! They'll mine my vast intelligence and do horrible things to me!

EM: COOL! I wonder if aliens have tasty whole chick ...
BC: Oh, SHUT UP, Ellie!
EM: Well, that's not very ...
The Boy: {Walking into the room} What's going on?
BC: Your mouse's tractor beam hit me!
The Boy: The what?!?! Oh. You flipped the mouse. That's not a tractor beam.
BC: WHAT?!?! You mean I'm not going to be abducted by aliens?
The Boy: No. 
BC: RATS!
The Boy: Why would they want YOU?!?
BC: That's it! Next time you have a mouse problem, don't call me.
The Boy: I didn't this time.
BC: That's the last time I do you a favor!
The Boy: THANK GOODNESS!

NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH ...
The Boy: Honey, can you make me a couple ham sandwiches for lunch?
MK: Sure.
{Momma prepares the sandwiches ... then brings them to the table ... and walks away}
{THUNK!!}
EM: YUM! HAM! How nice of Momma to make these for me!
{Pause}
EM: {looking in all directions} I don't want to share with Bear. {LICK-LICK}. Yummy.
The Boy: {walking into the room} ELLIE! That's my lunch!
EM: No, it's not! Momma made these ham sandwiches for me!
BC: {walking in} Did someone say HAM?!?!
EM: HEY! Finder's keepers! The early kitty gets the pig sandwich. Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom.
BC: MOMMMMMMMMMMMMA!
The Boy: ELLIE! Stop licking my sandwich!
BC: Oooh! Can I have some?!?!
EM: This one on the right is REALLY good!
BC: Yum! 
The Boy: Bear! Stop licking my sandwich!
BC: We should get ham sandwiches more often. Where do ham sandwiches live? Are there tasty whole ham sandwich farms?!?!
EM: Momma made these.
BC: {GASP} YUCK! Pat-ooey! I'm poisoned! I'm poisoned! Momma's cooking! Momma's cooking! My NINTH life just flashed before my eyes! And I'm STILL grounded!
EM: More for me!
BC: HEY! You got a head start! Move over!
The Boy: HONEY!!! 
MK: {from the kitchen} I'm not home!
BC: Hahahaha! By the time Momma gets home, the sandwiches will be gone!
{The Boy and Ellie stare at Bear}
BC: WHAT?!?! 

THE SHOW ...
BC: Introducing ...
The Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{A glass falls through the air and lands on the kitchen floor}


BC: ... Bear Cat on ICE! Hahaha. Get it?! On ice? I'm on top of the freezer! I'm so hot, I need cooling down! I'm so sexy ...
The Boy: You scared the crap out of me, Bear! 
BC: I don't see any crap.
The Boy: What are you doing up there?!?
BC: Looking down on you.
The Boy: Enjoy it while you can. After the ceiling repairs are done, your Momma's going to put all the junk back up there.
BC: I don't think you'll fit up here.
The Boy: Ha. ha. ha.
BC: I always get the last laugh.
The Boy: I wouldn't say ALWAYS ... I mean, you're not laughing when you're acting like Mr. Big Pants and then you get scared and run away because something startles you. Or when your Momma outsmarts you.
BC: As if. If she "outsmarts" me, it's because I let her.
The Boy: Right. Why don't you pull this nonsense on your Momma?
BC: Phht. Because she's no fun. I hardly ever surprise her anymore ... and when I do, she doesn't react anymore. You're lucky that's a plastic glass - or Momma would be mad at you. But you should probably clean up that water before Momma slips on it. Then again, last time was pretty funny! The flailing arms and legs and then BOOM!!! EARTHQUAKE!
{Pause}
BC: SHHH! Here she comes! Here she comes!
MK: {walking into the kitchen and looking straight ahead} Bear. Get down.
BC: RATS! SEE?!?!?
The Boy: How did you know he's up there?!? You weren't even looking up there!
MK: After ten years, I just have a sense where he is.
BC: AHEM!
MK: Except when he's laying in the middle of the floor when it's dark in here.
BC: I tell you ... this woman has eyes in the back of her head! It's FREAKY!
{Jumping down to the counter}
BC: The pantry! My treats are in there! Come on, Momma!
MK: {walking out of the kitchen} Nope.
BC: You're mean!
{Fifteen minutes pass and The Boy gets up to go in the kitchen}
MK: {from the couch} By the way, watch out ... Bear's in the ...
The Boy: {opening the kitchen cabinet to find Bear in the cabinet} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: What's up, doc?

The Boy: You're having way too much fun at my expense.
BC: No such thing.
The Boy: How did you get in there?!?!?

{Pause}
The Boy: Bear?!?!
BC: My tail! Isn't my tail handsome?!?! What's a sexy tail like you doing in a cabinet like this?!?!

The Boy: Oh, for pete's sake.
BC: Who's Pete? Is his tail as sexy as mine?!? Phht. Obviously NOT.
{Bear hops down out of the cabinet and jumps on his desk chair}
The Boy: {pointing at Bear} No more scaring me.
BC: Bring that finger just a little bit closer ... I have a surprise for you.

The Boy: Do I really look that stupid to fall for that?
BC: You mean ... fall for that AGAIN? I'm the shark!
The Boy: I'm out of here. I'm getting my shower.
{The Boy gets in the shower ... }
BC: Work it ... work it ...
The Boy: HUH?
{A switch flips}
The Boy: HEY! Who turned off the lights?!? This isn't funny!
{Chuckling is heard}
BC: ELLIE!
EM: {waking up} Huh? WHA?

BC: How many times have I told you NOT to turn the lights off on The Boy when he's in the shower!
EM: You turned the lights off on my Daddy?!?!? He might get hurt!
{Ellie runs to the bathroom to flip the switch}
BC: RATS!

THE FINALE ...
EM: Do de do ... la la la la ...

{Pause}
EM: TAIL!
BC: HEY! Leave my tail alone!

EM: For being a tiny tail ...
BC: ARRRRRRRRGG!
{Bear jumps Ellie}
BC: I told you to leave my tail alone!

EM: Make me!
BC: My pleasure!
The Boy: KNOCK IT OFF!
BC: She started it!
EM: He started it.
BC: Did not!
EM: Did too!
{The cats roll around a bit}

The Boy: STOP IT YOU TWO!
{The fight continues}

BC: Say you're sorry!
EM: I'm not sorry!
BC: You're about to be!

EM: GET OFF ME!
BC: Then leave my tail alone!
EM: I'll do whatever I want to do!
BC: Then so will I!
EM: It's not fair! You're way fatter than me!
BC: HEY! STOP with the fat jokes!
EM: Stop it!
BC: Then YOU stop it!
The Boy: BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF!!!
{The cats continue to fight}
The Boy: Ummm ... 
{Pause}
The Boy: TREATS?!?!
{The cats stop fighting and run to the kitchen}
BC: HIIIIIIIII!
EM: HIIIIIIIII!

The Boy: Son of a ...
EM: He fell for it again. 
BC: Hahahahahahahahaha.
EM: That's why you're so fat!
BC: What did you just say?
EM: Nothing!
BC: Where are our treats?!?!
EM: Chop chop, Daddy!
The Boy: Good grief.

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53 comments:

  1. Whew! You two sure do have a full-time job, Bear and Ellie. You should get paid in tasty whole chickens!

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    Replies
    1. We should! Having to keep a daddy in line is a hard job! We should get hazard pay too!

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  2. guyz..al ee enz dead mice, ham samichez, anda wrasslin match.....yur week wented WAAAAAAAAAY
    better N ourz..... ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. You're welcome to join the party over here! ;) ~Bear and Ellie

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  3. Ellie! Was that sandwich good? MOL It looks like it was delish.

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    Replies
    1. I agree. it does lookdelish. Mousey ever get caught?

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    2. It was yummy! Well, until The Boy took is away. That was poopy! ~Ellie Mae

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  4. That sammich looked yummy in fact mom went to make herself one after she saw this. SHe likes mustard on one side of the bread and mayo on the other side
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. No mustard for us! We barely tolerate the mayo! ~Bear and Ellie

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  5. The boy was pretty brave putting his finger near your face. I thought for sure you were going to take it out like you did with the mouse

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    1. He's getting faster reflexes now ... it used to be biting him was low hanging fruit ... but he's getting better at being a challenge ;) ~Bear Cat

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  6. That sandwich is probably an alien trick and the probably are holding the tasty whole chickens hostage!

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    Replies
    1. WHAT?!?!?! How did we miss that?!?! And the humans are probably in on it too! ~Ellie and Bear

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  7. Why do we get the feeling this is what life is like every single day around your house? MOL! Our Mom always says living with cats is like living with youngsters. Curious youngsters with tails who can jump and climb and get into EVERYTHING!

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    Replies
    1. That describes us perfectly. Just add that we have temper tantrums when we don't get our way - or maybe that part was implied ;) ~Bear and Ellie

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  8. AMARULA: Bear if you ever need a door open here's my trick that is guaranteed to get the human to open up---you just make really, really, REALLY loud barfing sounds on the other side of the door-- just beware-sometimes the humans will open the door so fast that you might get knocked on the head!!

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    Replies
    1. WHOOOOOOOOA. If done the super dramatic barfing to wake my Momma up (I swear ... she pops out of bed within a few seconds and is then so worried she can't go back to sleep) - but I'm going to have to try it on the other side of a door. BRILLIANT! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Yeah, can't trust ANY mouse. No matter what it's made of.

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  10. Oh, my word...what naughty cats. your poor Mama & Daddy. xo

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    Replies
    1. Poor, poor us! We ALMOST starved! And stuff. ~Bear and Ellie

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  11. Have you ever wondered why computer mice got them name? That just leads to all kinds of confusion.

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  12. haha...you could write a book and we'd love to read it! This is hilarious...thanks for the chuckles..mom needed them.

    Shoko and Kali

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  13. Just that photo of The Boy pointing a finger at Bear cracked me up!

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  14. You two sure are keeping The Boy on his toes!

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    Replies
    1. It's a hard job, but somecats have to do it! ~Bear and Ellie

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  15. All of you crack us up. Such goings on. Sounds like everyone is having a good time, regardless. Glad you got a taste of that sandwich Ellie. Have a good week end.

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  16. Well Ellie, glad you discovered da joys of ham. Those sammiches sure look purretty good. But, ya' gotta grab da meat girl and run fur your life. All da rest of dat stuff isn't worth da time. And ifin ya' hang 'round da sammich da human is sure to find ya' and take it away. Ya'll have fun and enjoy da next one. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Momma calls me a garbage disposal ... I'll eat just about anything ;) ~Ellie Mae

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  17. Cherche le mouse ( or is it LA mouse???)

    Oh well, I hope the sandwich was good, and the boy is very patient with you two!

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  18. We love your antics, Bear and Ellie Mae. Life is never boring at your house, is it?

    Nice work getting a taste of that sandwich, Ellie Mae. Mom really should have made you one of your very own!

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  19. Looks like the cat-capades continue around your house.

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  20. Hope you guys got some good nibbles in on those ham sandwiches before the boy gobbled them up! And he survived, so I don't think they were poisoned, Bear!

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  21. I would say that is a good training regimen you've got going there for your daddy. You're sure to whip him into submission. It may take years, those, 'cause in my experience, humans aren't quick learners. I think you are right to be skeptical about that mousie. If it is not an alien it could be a zom or a spy recruited by the D-O-G world! Eek! Hugs & purrs!

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    Replies
    1. Boy humans are even slower than the girl ones! Just when I thought I could retire and give up training humans! ~Bear Cat

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  22. if someone messes with MY mousey, they are in BIG trouble!! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. I'm grounded well into my ninth life. Trouble? No biggie! ;) ~Bear Cat

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  23. You need to watch that mouse. Don't trust him any further than you can see him. Flynn was always telling me he was an alien.

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  24. Wait, let's back up to the terrible indignity of being closed out of the bathroom. Talk about cruel and unusual!

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    Replies
    1. Momma knows better ... The stupid Boy? Not so much. I'm telling you, THERE WERE TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS IN THERE! ~Bear Cat

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  25. Ah Bear it's the rogue wi-fi mice you have to watch out for, they can move around and fire all sorts of nasty ray beams at you. I did an interesting paper on the matter last Christmas. If however you can capture and reprogram one, you could get it to terrorise the Boy for you!
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Oooooh. I've always wanted a ray gun! Don't get me wrong ... I'd still prefer a chicken cannon ... but ray guns are pretty cool too! And probably a lot less messy ;) ~Bear Cat

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  26. We hope that wasn't all in one day. MOL

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    1. We ***ALMOST*** feel sorry for Momma! {and the boy ... a little} ~Bear Cat

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