Friday, August 4, 2017

Always something

In the short (but at times seemingly LONG) month we've managed a two cat household, I've learned that it's always something. Somecat is ALWAYS being abused or maligned or mistreated or treated unfairly - either by the humans or his/her fursibling. Logic tells you that the drama with two cats should be exactly twice the drama of a single cat household ... yet the reality is that the level of drama explodes exponentially the more cats you add to a home. This post is the first in a series sharing the drama, frustration, nonsense, and yes, comedy, we now face daily as a two feline home.

MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: The Boy


MK: {talking to herself} Okay. So I picked up the wet food treat plates ... litter box scooping time ...
{Momma turns around to find two cats staring at her intently}
MK: You two are ridiculous.
EM: We're hungry.
MK: You don't say.
BC: No. I'm pretty sure she DID say! WE WANT TREATS! And you better comply or you'll regret it!
MK: I gave you treats a couple hours ago. 
EM: Maybe you don't understand, but ... We're. Hungry. Now.
MK: Neither of you have any shame.
EM: What's that?
BC: Some stupid human concept involving embarrassment and/or pain over one's improper or foolish behavior. Totally unnecessary for us cats. We're always right. Though I suppose if you're a human, your behavior is always improper and foolish - so maybe it's not so stupid for them. I mean, you see Momma's butt - but she has no shame eating a couple doughnuts every day.
EM: You mean like when she walks into walls ... apologizes to them, and then blushes when she sees us watching?
BC: Hahahahaha. She's a total klutz. Bad for her ... hilarious for us.
EM: We're hungry. 
BC: We want treats. We mean business. Our demands WILL be met. Or else.
EM: Or else WHAT?!?
BC: SHUT UP and let me do the talking! We want treats. Our demands WILL be met. Or else.

MK: Why does this feel like a shake-down from the kitty mob?
BC: The only benefit of having a sibling ... more muscle.
EM: You don't have a whole lot of muscle, Bear ... now FAT?!?! Yep.
BC: Shut up, pipsqueak. You know what I meant. Kitty muscle in terms of our fangs and claws.
EM: Oh. Well, you sure know how to use yours.
BC: You're not so shabby yourself.
EM: Wait, wait, wait! MOMMA! You haven't given us treats yet! You can't walk away! The pantry is RIGHT HERE! If you give us treats, it comes from the PANTRY!
MK: You two were talking - you didn't seem to need me for anything.
BC: {groaning} I'm starving! I'm starving! I feel weak! I'll surely die if I don't have food soon.

MK: Two full bowls of kibble in the bedrooms.
BC: I can't even walk that far! 
MK: How about I carry you?
{Momma bends down to pick Bear up, but Bear topples over on his side with his eyes closed}
EM: He died! Awwwwww! Wait a ...
{Pause}
EM: More food for me! Screw that. YAY!
BC: {opening one eye} I heard that! Hit a guy when he's down, why don't you?
EM: The only reason you're down is because you purposely fell over!
BC: Shut up! FOR REAL!!! PLAY ALONG!
EM: Huh. Bear clearly died of starvation. I'll be next ... I'll be next ... ooooooh. 
{Pause}
EM: TAIL! TAIL! GOT IT!

BC: Do you mind?
EM: HEY! You gave yourself away. Your tail is all over the place.
BC: So you just have to "catch" and bite it, right?
EM: I knew you'd understand! I mean, if you don't want your tail bitten, why flop it around all over the place?
BC: GET YOUR PAW OFF MY TAIL!
EM: I thought you were supposed to be dead?
BC: I've had it! You stalk my tail all the time! If it even MOVES, you're all over it. Don't you know the unwritten cat code?!?! LEAVE OTHER CATS' TAILS ALONE!
EM: Specifying an "unwritten" code implies that there's a written code. I'm pretty sure all cat codes are unwritten ... I mean, cats can't write, right? 
BC: What's that have to do with ANYTHING? Who cares how the cat code is recorded? LEAVE MY TAIL ALONE!
EM: Why swish your tail around like a toy if you don't want me to catch it? I'm doing you a FAVOR in catching it for you!
BC: HEY! My tail is my pride and joy! Keep your paws and teeth off it!
EM: Have you ever noticed that my tail is longer than yours? And you're a boycat!
BC: Well, I NEVER! STOP STALKING MY TAIL! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!
EM: Geez. You don't have to get all bent out of shape about it. Then again, you don't really have much of a shape ... you're more like an amorphous blob of fat.
BC: I swear ...
The Boy: {from the other room} Would you BOTH shut up? Some of us have work to do!
EM: TAIL!

BC: OWW! That really hurt! MOMMM!
{Silence}
BC: Where'd she go?
EM: She must have gotten away while you were busy being dramatic.
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!
EM: But we didn't get treats!
BC: OBVIOUSLY. And it's YOUR fault!
EM: NO! It's YOUR fault!
BC: Stop looking at me!
EM: Stop talking to me!
BC: HEY! MOM!!!! Ellie's looking at me funny!!!
EM: That's because you're funny looking!
BC: THAT'S IT! I've had just about enough of your ... MoooMMMMMMMMMMMMMA! Ellie won't stop being mean to me!

EM: You need your MOM to save you from a GIRL?
MK: {walking into the room} Knock it off, you two!
BC: But she started it!
EM: NO! YOU started it!
BC: You!
EM: No, YOU!
MK: STOP IT! 
BC: Huh. Momma's back. Can we have treats now?
EM: WHHHHHOOOA! I thought you were calling Momma to come protect you - but it was a ruse to get her back out here.
BC: Don't be ridiculous! Wait a ... YEEEAH! That's EXACTLY what I meant to do! I'm brilliant!

EM: I wouldn't go THAT far.
BC: Stop insulting ...
EM: She left again!
BC: RATS! 
EM: And humans say CATS are skittish! But a little claw and fang and they disappear!
BC: Wait a ...
EM: TREATS!!!
BC: THE TREAT FAIRY!
EM: There is no treat fairy, moron! Momma must've left them there while we were busy arguing. I wonder how long they've been there!
BC: I wasn't arguing! YOU were arguing! I swear ... I've never met such a pain in the behind ...
{Bear hears the sound of Ellie snarfing treats}
BC: HEY! You got more treats than I did! You got ten and I only got nine! MoommmmmmmMA! MOMMA!
{Bear STILL hears the sound of Ellie snarfing treats}
BC: HEY! Leave some for me! Leave some for me!

EM: {looking up after she finishes hers} Are you going to eat all of those?

BC: What kind of question is ... HEY! These are mine! GO AWAY!
EM: How RUDE!


*** LATER THAT DAY ***
{Momma and The Boy are napping on the couch ... Momma opens one eye to find Bear peeking over the edge of the couch}
{Momma busts out laughing ... waking up The Boy}
The Boy: Hu ... {seeing Bear} AHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
The Boy: {sigh} Hi, Bear.
BC: Hi.
MK: Can we help you?
BC: No.
MK: Ummm ... what are you doing?
BC: Isn't it obvious?
MK: No.
BC: Never mind.
{Pause}
MK: You're still looking at us.
BC: I know.
MK: Why?
BC: Isn't it obvious?
MK: No.
BC: Never mind.
MK: Bear, you're being weird. Stop staring at us.

BC: You're not doing anything.
MK: Exactly.
BC: I'm watching.
The Boy: We can see that!
BC: Keep that in mind. I'm ALWAYS watching. I see everything. Even when you're NOT doing anything.
The Boy: He must've been dropped on his head as a kitten.
MK: STOP STARING!
BC: No can do. I'm busy.
MK: DOING WHAT?!?!
BC: Isn't it obvious?
MK: No.
BC: Never mind.
MK: BEAR!!
BC: What?

MK: STOP STARING AT ...
EM: {walking into the room} Did you get the two couch lumps up yet?
MK: Couch lumps? REALLY?
BC: Would you prefer deadbeats?
MK: NO!
BC: Slackers?
MK: NO! For the love ... The Boy and I both worked a full day while you two slept! {jumping up from the couch} And you call US lazy?
EM: We never called you lazy.
BC: Nope. We called you lumps and deadbeats and slackers. Not lazy.
MK: Great.
EM: She's up! She's up!
BC: We need my food bowl filled.
{Momma walks back to Bear's food bowl}
MK: The food bowl isn't empty!
BC: Empty enough.
EM: Yeah! We're starving!
MK: Oh for the LOVE ...
{Momma picks up the bowl ... carries it to the kitchen ... gets out the bag of kibble ... and starts to refill the bowl ...}
BC: {seeing Ellie come up behind him} It's MINE!

EM: And mine! Momma said we share this bowl just like I share MY bowl with you!
BC: {crowding Ellie out from the bowl with fresh kibble} You slobber all over my food!
MK: BEAR! {Momma slides a couple pieces of kibble to Ellie so that she gets some too}.
{The Boy walks in to the kitchen and snatches Ellie up before she can eat the kibble Momma gave her}
EM: @#$%! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!! Put me down! PUT ME DOWN! FOOD! There's FOOD! There's a couple pieces of kibble on the floor that Momma gave me! FOOD! FOOD! If I don't eat them, I'll starve! And Bear will eat it! I'm telling you ... I WON'T SURVIVE! 
The Boy: You love your Daddy, right?
EM: But ... but ... FOOD! What's love got to do with it? Momma put those pieces out for me! I'm hungry! I'm starving! I need food! I need THAT food! Right now! Earlier than right now! I'm about to STARVE! PUT ME DOWN!
The Boy: Don't you want some Daddy loves?
EM: NO!
The Boy: Come on! You can purr.
EM: NO! I'm too hungry to purr! If you want a push-over doofus that can't control his purr ... whose purr turns over at the slightest provocation ... you should scoop up Bear! I can control my purr. So THERE!
BC: {finding the extra kibble on the floor} Doofus? Push-over THIS! Finders keepers.
EM: YOU WOULDN'T!
BC: {CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH} Oops. I did. 
EM: Now I don't feel so bad about skimming a little off the top of your wet food treat for the past month.
BC: WHAT?!?!? MoMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!!! 
MK: {from the other room as she puts Bear's now full bowl back} I'm not home!
BC: WHAT?!?! She was just here a minute ago! {to The Boy} Where did she go?
The Boy: After spending 24/7 with you both ... probably the funny farm.
BC: Do they have tasty whole chickens there?
EM: Dumb a$$!
BC: What? WHAT?!?! Hello?!?! What's so funny?

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44 comments:

  1. How dramatic! If it's like that every day, Momma Kat will be at the funny farm real soon, and then who will give you guys treats? Something to think about, Bear. :)

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    Replies
    1. Theoretically, The Boy would be here ... but no thanks! Even the kibble tastes different when he fills the bowls! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Sibling rivalry, such drama!

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  3. Love your eyes, Bear. So much wisdom in them!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  4. Oh yes, the kitteh shake down is a constant here. FEED US!

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    Replies
    1. And we only have TWO!!! I can't even imagine a bigger kitty mob!

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  5. Okay, think about all that fun with 9 kitties! See, y'all have it easy!

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  6. Oh my, I'm not sure if Bear is rubbing off on you, Ellie, or vice versa? And who to feel sorry for most out of all four of you? Is it the boys or the girls? or is it Cats V Peeps?
    Purrrs
    ERin
    PS Bear, all those joke chickens the comedians use, they end up at the funny farm when they retire, so I do think you had the last laugh.... or was it the chicken that crossed the road???

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    Replies
    1. It's so hard to keep all the chickens straight! ~Bear Cat
      I think we've rubbed off on each other ... though Bear would NEVER admit that! ~Ellie Mae

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  7. I hear you loud and clear Bear and Ellie
    to quote my PaPa when he was hungry...sometimes my stomach thinks my throat has been cut.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  8. You two do go at it. Too funny. Hope you both got some foods. But we know you did. Ellie, looks like you have Bear's number.

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  9. I so understand what you are going through! This trio makes me feel like I want to go to the Funny Farm sometimes too!

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    Replies
    1. Maybe you and Momma will meet there! That would be a dream come true if I got to met Amarula! ~Bear Cat

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  10. It is sounding like never a dull moment over there! I think it sounds like you and Ellie are starting to work together, Bear, you just need to refine your technique. :)

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    Replies
    1. Cooperation isn't exactly in my dictionary. ~Bear Cat
      Neither is modesty. ~Ellie Mae

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  11. OMC those photos of Bear peeking out are just cracking me up! I see that Ellie Mae started off as more of a lady and now her language is getting like Bears. He must be rubbing off on her! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    1. I'm still a lady! But around such coarse company, a girl's gotta step up and make herself heard! ~Ellie Mae

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  12. Double the kitties, double the fun. xoxo

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  13. Whoa! If you two actually worked together, you could shake 'em down big time. Gang up on them unless you get your treats. You could get treats all day long.

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    Replies
    1. Ummm ... weren't you the one against interlopers?!? I imagine if it were the two of us, we'd muscle (BITE) Momma and TW to our every whim! ~Bear Cat

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  14. If you finally decided to work together... you could wrap those poor humans around your paw in no time ! Purrs

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    Replies
    1. Cooperation isn't exactly in my dictionary. ~Bear Cat
      Neither is modesty. ~Ellie Mae

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  15. You know of course that doubling the population really means an exponential increase of everything, not just 'twice' as much, right? LOL

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  16. Look at you two partnering in the name of food, a very worth cause.

    It sounds like your household is happy and entertaining!

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    Replies
    1. Happy? Surely you mean nappy? Two cats = lots of cat naps ;)

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  17. MOL, uhm, why no, we never EVER fight over here either. *innocent look* And yeah, the food is SCARCE over here too so whazzup wif that ANYways, huh? (WAIT. YOU GUYS get TREATS?!?!?!?)

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    Replies
    1. We get treats ... but we're still wasting away!

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  18. Maybe you two need to gather your forces to manipulate the humans.

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    Replies
    1. Cooperation isn't exactly in my dictionary. ~Bear Cat
      Neither is modesty. ~Ellie Mae

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  19. Hi Bear & Ellie! I'm hungry, too. Humans just don't get it. If they would just put out our food and treats as specified in our contracts then we wouldn't have to remind them all the time. But then again they are "human" with short attention spans. Tee hee hee.

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    Replies
    1. You have a contract?!?! We need a lawyer! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Oh yeah, that's some exponential fun going on there. Fun for us to read about, certainly! :)

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  21. haha...what a conversation...thanks for the giggles.

    Jean

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    Replies
    1. We imagine Kali and Shoko have similar conversations ;)

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  22. Wow, you two have to work so hard for your treats!!! Life is tough, huh?

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