Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Momma-fication

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: Uh oh. Momma's locking up! She's coming for me next! HIDE ME!

BC: WHAT?!?!
EM: You're WAY bigger than me! Let me hide behind you!
BC: I don't know about WAY bigger ... but now I understand why Momma feels insulted when I say that to her.
EM: I'm NOT going in my room tonight! NO! Over my dead body!
BC: That can be arranged.
EM: YOU?!?! Kill ME?!?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
BC: Oh, shut up.

EM: You seem to forget who wears the pants around here.
BC: Not that I'm conceding that anyone wears the pants around here besides me ... but I did tell you to shut up when you talked about beating me up. AGAIN.
EM: I gotta go!
{Ellie runs to the hard-to-reach hiding spot under the cat tree}
EM: YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE! I DARE YOU TO COME ...
{Momma switches the light off}
EM: {coming out of the corner to sit in the same spot she was before} What?!?!? I was in the middle of a soliloquy! How rude! I want my spotlight ... my stage ... my audience.
BC: You're as bad as I am! But not NEARLY as cute!

EM: What does it mean?
BC: What? That you're not nearly as cute as I am?
EM: No. Momma's going to bed without putting me in my room?!?!
BC: I think that's what it means.
EM: COOL! We can have a slumber party! We'll stay up all night and do ... err ... slumber party things!
BC: {sarcastically} Oh ... goodie!
EM: Oooh! We can sing songs ... and play ... and eats tons of stuff ... and braid each others' fur ... and talk about boys ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

BC: {sarcastically} I'm so excited ... and I just can't hide it.
EM: Actually, you're hiding your excitement very well!
BC: This is going to be a long night.
EM: Isn't this exciting?!?! I can do whatever I want wherever I want!!!
{Silence}
EM: I'll let you lick my butt.
BC: That's not what I'm licking.
EM: EXCUSE ME?!?!
BC: You're too young to understand.
EM: HEY! I'm SIX!!! 
BC: But you act like an obnoxious kitten!
EM: That would make you interested in kitten porn. Momma's right. You're a dirty old man.
BC: You've got to be kitten me. Hahahahahaha.
EM: {groan}.
BC: Now, if you REALLY want to party ... we'll shred some furniture, shred some carpet, drop toys in our water bowls, paw out most of our kibble on the floor, bat all Momma's pens under the furniture, toss a bit of litter all over, and caterwaul the entire time. PAR-TAY!
EM: Ummm ... that sounds awfully ... err ... destructive?
BC: I'm a cat! That's what we do! You should take notes.
EM So when does the fun start?
BC: After my nap.

EM: But ... but ... 
BC: Torties ... ginger lady cats ... tasty whole chickens ... tuna ... the best dreams for me ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

EM: You're a DUD! You know that, right?
{Bear snores}

EM: Bear?!?! BEAR!!! HEY!
BC: Huh ... wha ... Mudpie? Amarula?  Mooshka? Where did my fan club ... they were here just a second ago ... {seeing Ellie staring at him intently}. YOU!
EM: Your tail stopped moving.
BC: I was SLEEPING!
{Pause}
BC:@#$%! @&%$!!! Momma's said THAT to me before too.
EM: But I want to play with your tail!
BC: My tail's NOT a toy! You have a bazillion toys ... play with them.
{Pause}
BC: Huh. This is SERIOUSLY disturbing. Momma tells me she's not a chew toy and points to all the toys I have. It's almost as if all my misdeeds toward Momma are coming back to me like a boomerang. Ellie trying to hide behind me like I hide behind Momma ... Ellie waking me up like I wake up Momma ... and telling Ellie my junk is not a toy like Momma tells me. Eerie ... {GASP} I'M TURNING INTO MOMMA!
{Pause}
BC: Nah. Just a coincidence.
EM: There it is! There it is!
BC: WHAT?!?! 
EM: Be very, very quiet! I'm hunting a ...
BC: Oh, no you don't!
EM: ... TAIL!
{Ellie whaps Bear's tail}

BC: That's it! That's the last paw!
EM: STRAW?
BC: Oh, WHATEVER!
{Pause}
BC: {running off to the bedroom meowing} MOMMA!! MOMMA!!! You left Ellie out! She really should be in her room all night! You know ... to protect her from me.
EM: Protect ME from YOU?!?! Hahahahaha.
BC: Oh, shut up! I'm trying to make it look like she'd be doing YOU a favor when it's really what I want.
EM: I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was distracted by ...
{Pause}
EM: {whapping Bear} TAIL!!!

BC: Don't you have anything better to do?
EM: Ummm ... no. Not really. I'm not confined to my room ... so, no. There's nothing better to do.

BC: Momma! So help me! This isn't working! Ellie won't leave me alone! 
EM: Everycat needs a friend.
BC: Not when that friend has an obsession with everycat's tail! She won't leave me ...
MK: Bear, stop being a tattle-tale. 
EM: Is that what you call his tail? Why would it be a tattle tail and not a tabby tail? Because it seems to me that he can't really control that he has a tail. I mean, he can't STOP having a tail!
{Pause}
EM: Look at me! I'm innocent! Bear's just using his tattle tail to get me in trouble! If he didn't want me to catch it, he shouldn't flip it around in front of my face!

BC: Will you go to sleep and shut up if I sing you a lullaby?
EM: Awwww. You're so sweet! I love you ...
BC: Don't push it.
EM: Too soon?
BC: If NEVER is too soon.

{Pause}
BC: A one and a two and an eleven ... {AHEM}!
{Pause}
BC: The mouth on the Momma goes yap yap yap.
Yap yap yap. Yap yap yap.
The mouth on the Momma goes yap yap yap.
All day long.

EM: Hahahahahahahaha.
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: He's got a point.
{Pause}
BC: Dumbnuts aka The Boy says "No no no."
"No no no," "No no no."
Dumbnuts aka The Boy says "No no no."
All day long.

The Boy: You make me sound mean!
{Pause}
BC: The hands on the Momma grab grab grab.
Grab grab grab, Grab grab grab.
The hands on the Momma grab grab grab.
All day long.

MK: {sigh}.
{Pause}
BC: Momma while eating doughnuts goes yum yum yum.
Yum yum yum, Yum yum yum.
Momma while eating doughnuts goes yum yum yum.
All day long.
{Pause}
BC: Momma's butt after eating doughnuts grows and grows.
Grows and grows, Grows and grows.
Momma's butt after eating doughnuts grows and grows.
All day long.

{Pause}
BC: Momma's "singing" sounds like screech screech screech.
Screech screech screech, Screech screech screech.
Momma's "singing" sounds like screech screech screech.
All day long.
{Pause}
BC: Momma's "dancing" looks like a constipated caterpillar.
Constipated caterpillar, Constipated caterpillar.
Momma's "dancing" looks like a constipated caterpillar.
All day long.

{Bear jumps in bed with Momma}
BC: I love you, Momma! Pet me!
MK: I love you too, Bug.
EM: But Bear said that outside of my room every night there was chicken wrangling, bazookas, catnip raining from the skies, parties on the kitchen counter, and all the toys I could want!
BC: It's not my fault you're gullible.
EM: It's not my fault you're stupid!
BC: {jumping off the bed} Do you mind?!?! Momma and I are having a moment!
EM: Wait a ... the only thing that goes on outside my room overnight is you cuddling with Momma and sleeping! Talk about BORING! You're just a Momma's boy!

BC: Better than being a stupid Daddy's girl! Sheesh. You have no taste in men. Like Momma!
EM: HEY! My Daddy's the BESTEST thing EVER!

BC: Poor kitten. You haven't had much, have you?
EM: This sucks! I'm going to my room!
BC: Don't let the door hit you on its way closed!
EM: You're BORING! You just cuddle with Momma all night!

BC: Well, EXCUSE ME for not keeping you entertained! A cat needs his Momma sometimes ... more than mischief and stupid annoying sisters.
MK: Awww ... Bear!
BC: SHUT UP!
MK: Ummmm ...
BC: {jumping off the bed} I'm sleeping BY MYSELF in the other room. Just so everyone around here knows their places.
EM: You're BORING! We have a WHOLE NIGHT without anyone watching and you want to SLEEP?!?!
BC: I'm turning into Momma! Next thing you know, I'll have a taste for water litter boxes and showers. I'll look for a cure to Momma-fication when I wake up from my nap.
EM: But I want to play!
BC: How about you hide first!
EM: Last time, you suggested hide and seek - you just wanted me to stop bugging you!
BC: But this time, you get to hide first!
EM: Oh! Okay!
{Ellie runs off}
EM: OKAY! I'm hiding! Come find me! Bear? BEAR?!?!?

{Bear's sleeping}

BC: {still sleeping} TST TST TST ... hi, ladies!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.


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Friday, August 25, 2017

We didn't do it, part 3 [interpretation]

We've shared several posts about how adding one cat to our household increased the drama exponentially (Always somethingAlways something, part 2, and Always something, part 3). Now we have TWO cats who are completely innocent and perfect angels. No kitty does ANYTHING he/she shouldn't do. Last Friday, we shared pictures {We didn't do it, part 1 [pictures]} documenting the times I walk into a room and see Ellie and Bear together and I wonder what they're up to. Today's post is the second set of interpretations of those pictures {you may find the first here: We didn't do it, part 2 [interpretation]}What do you think? Am I better off not knowing what exactly is going on?!?!

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

*** The missing treats (the day before the set of conversations in We didn't do it, part 2 [interpretation]) ***
In We didn't do it, part 2 [interpretation], Momma shared that she found an empty bag of treats in the middle of the floor the day before. It wasn't until the day after the theft (the day the set of conversations posted on Tuesday happened), when Ellie Mae kept insisting Bear did something, that Momma asked if the cats knew what happened to the treats ... now we find out the truth of what happened to the missing treats ...
{Bear's on the kitchen counter and Ellie's looking under the door to the pantry}

BC: Do you see them?
EM: It's dark in there!
BC: They're not up here.
EM: DUH! Stupid head! 
BC: I'm not a stupid head! YOU'RE a stupid head!
EM: Momma keeps the treats in the pantry. You just use any excuse to jump on the kitchen counter.
BC: Phht. I don't need an excuse. I get up here whenever I want. You're just jealous!
EM: Yeah. I'm jealous of you being a pain in Momma's butt! ON PURPOSE!
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. With all that padding, she doesn't feel a thing.
EM: I don't know about that. Last time you bit her there, she yelped pretty loud.
BC: She tried to sit in MY desk chair WHILE I was in the chair!

EM: How do we get into the pantry?
BC: Momma won't let me borrow her bazooka. Or her chicken cannon. Maybe if you ask her, she'll say yes.
EM: What's a chicken cannon?
BC: It shoots chickens.
EM: Wait ... it shoots AT chickens or shoots chickens? 
BC: It shoots chickens out of the cannon.
EM: That sounds like a waste of chickens. Unless it shoots them in our mouths.
BC: Good point.
EM: Momma has a chicken cannon and a bazooka?
BC: She claims she doesn't ... but what self-respecting person wouldn't have both? I mean the humans don't have fangs or claws - how do they protect themselves?
EM: I want treats!
BC: Phht. Don't bother asking Momma ... since she gave us treats earlier, she'll claim that we're not starving.
EM: Do you think we could trick The Boy?
BC: I'm not allowed in his office anymore.
EM: To be fair, you did kind of send out that e-mail.
BC: I didn't do it on purpose!
{Silence}
BC: Oh, PHOOEY! It convinced him to finally buy a desk so I got my table back. Watch this!
{Bear leaves the kitchen and jumps up on the table}
BC: {Bear strikes a pose on the table top} SEE?!?! Don't I look handsome up here?

{Ellie jumps up on the table behind him and lays down}
EM: I can see your best side from here!

BC: {turning around} But you're looking at my ...
{Pause}
BC: HEY! {chasing Ellie off} This is MY table!

BC: Don't I look handsome up here?

{Silence}
BC: Ellie?!?! ELLIE?!?! Where did you go?
EM: {from the other room} SCORE!!!
BC: WHAT? What happened?
EM: I got the treats!
BC: WHAT?!?! How? You get into EVERYTHING! My food, my table ... TREATS!
EM: I'm not telling you. You can't keep your mouth shut.
BC: {jumping down from the table} MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!
{Ellie knocks the bag over so the treats come out}
EM: Nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom!!!
BC: HEY! You dumped the bag toward yourself! What about me?!?
{Ellie noses over a couple treats toward Bear}

BC: HEY! You got more than me!
EM: You COULD say thank you!
BC: Nomnomnomnomnom.

BC: BUUUURP.
EM: GROSS! I guess that's a BOY'S version of thank you.
{Bear grooms himself a little ...}

EM: Since I found the treats, it's your job to dispose of the evidence.

BC: {THHHHHWWT}.
EM: EWWW! You farted!
BC: Consider yourself thanked!
{Pause}
BC: {jumping in the desk chair} YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWN. Nap time.

EM: HEY! You're supposed to get rid of the evidence!
BC: Phht. Who cares?!? Momma will know we did it anyway.
EM: Would it really kill you to get off your butt and do something? I mean OTHER than posing and fishing for compliments? {mockingly} Aren't I HANDSOME?!?!

BC: After my nap.
{Bear curls up and falls asleep}

EM: Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
{Ellie jumps on the couch and falls asleep}


*** The cats are grounded ***
If you read Tuesday's post, you know Momma found the empty bag of treats in the middle of the floor later in the day of the theft ... but it wasn't until the next day (the day the set of conversations posted on Tuesday happened), when Ellie Mae kept insisting Bear did it, that Momma asked if the cats knew what happened to the treats ... we start this dialogue where Tuesday's left off - with the cats being grounded for stealing the treats.
BC: SHEESH! What's HER problem!
EM: I TOLD you to get rid of the evidence! But NO! You're too lazy!
BC: HEY! I needed a nap!
EM: Work first ... then play.
BC: That's what I did ... in cat terms.
EM: Now we're grounded!
BC: Only in theory. Ever seen a cat stop doing something just because a human told him to?
EM: You're a bad example!

BC: Thank you! That's the sweetest ...
EM: That wasn't a compliment!
BC: I don't care if YOU think it's a compliment because I think it's a compliment. You're a suck up!
EM: No wonder The Boy doesn't like you.
BC: WHAT?!?! Yes he does! He calls me his Buddy Bear! And tries to pet me every morning before he starts work!
EM: So you like him now?
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: NO!
{Pause}
BC: STOP TRYING TO TRICK ME!

EM: I'm not trying to trick you! You're just too stupid to keep your story straight.
BC: Stop calling me stupid!
EM: Then stop BEING stupid!
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME, if I'm not fluent in the language of a suck up!
EM: This suck up can paw you your butt on a platter any time I want.
BC: You don't fight fair!
EM: You only say that because I win!
BC: EXACTLY!
EM: Shut up!
BC: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

EM: I don't understand what your problem ...
BC: STOP DISTRACTING ME! We're having a meeting of the Support Group for Mistreated Kitties of Sucky Mommas here!
EM: I'm in the wrong meeting.
BC: No, you're not!
EM: I'm not mistreated!
BC: Momma clipped your claws last night, right?
EM: YES!
BC: It was about time! You almost poked out my eye last time you bunny kicked my face!
EM: HEY! I ALMOST died while she clipped my claws!
BC: No, you didn't! I almost died when she clipped MY claws! And she brushed my teeth and washed my chin too! I'm the most mistreated cat around here!
EM: But there's no reason to clip my claws! I use the scratching posts instead of tearing up carpet or the furniture! Unlike SOME cats around here!

BC: You use the what?
EM: Scratching posts!
BC: What are those?
EM: The cylindrical things on our cat tree! There are two of them down where you hide from Momma when she wants to brush your teeth.

BC: You're clawing my cat tree?
EM: That's why they're called SCRATCHING posts!
BC: What?!?!
EM: The things wrapped in sisal!
BC: Those aren't just for decoration?
EM: And you want me to stop calling you stupid.
BC: Quit distracting from our purpose here!
EM: To love the humans?
BC: NO! The MEETING! Of the Support Group for Mistreated Kitties of Sucky Mommas!

EM: Huh. Maybe we should call it the Support Group for the Kitties of Mean Mommas!
BC: Stop trying to take over everything! I'm keeping the name! You're new here!
EM: Where's our club house?
BC: It's NOT that kind of club!
{Pause}
BC: Call to order! Call to order!!! ORDER!
EM: Umm ... it's just the two of us.
BC: ORDER!
EM: You're just using this as a way to boss me around!
BC: This is the first of four daily meetings of the "Sucky Mommas" support group. First order of business ... new members. We welcome Ellie!
EM: Awww. Thank y ...
BC: CRAP! I mean we welcome you to the group ... not the house. And not with my Momma!
EM: I thought this was a meeting about complaints with Momma. If she's that bad, why would you care about sharing her?
BC: OVERRULED!

EM: This is a stupid group! I QUIT!
BC: Oh, sure. Quit because you don't get your way.
EM: I learned that from you!
BC: You did NO ... ummm ... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: How are we going to beat the evil that is our sucky Momma if we don't organize our cause?
EM: You just want an excuse to boss me around and complain about Momma!
BC: RATS! 
EM: Momma's the reason we have full bellies, endless love, and safety!
BC: She's also the reason our claws are clipped, we get brushed, and I get my teeth brushed and my chin washed!
EM: Take it like a man like I do!
BC: I have the right to remain violent! 
EM: Only if you want me to kick your ...
BC: This meeting is adjourned!
EM: You can't ...
{Bear hides in a strip of paper}
BC: My happy place! My happy place! Amarula ... Mudpie ... Mooshka ... tasty whole chickens ... catnip ... paper ... tortie ... ginger ... tortie ... ginger ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
EM: Do they know you lick my butt?
BC: I HATE YOU! I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE YOU!

*** Later that day ***
BC: PSST! Ellie!
EM: Leave me alone!

BC: No, wait! I have a new idea for a club!
EM: Do we get a club house?
BC: Err ... sure!
EM: Where?
BC: Under this table!
EM: {jumping down} COOL!

{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!} Welcome to the inaugural meeting of the Fellowship of the Wing ... otherwise known as the Tasty Whole Chicken Appreciation Club. 
EM: YUM!
BC: STOP interrupting! We're excited to team up with the Bear Cat Appreciation Club ...

EM: Wait! WHAT?!?!
BC: You got your own day on Black Cat Appreciation Day - it's MY turn!
EM: But I didn't get anything special! Momma said it was unfair!
BC: Have you noticed that Momma's a wet blanket about everything?!? She's allergic to fun or something.
EM: Maybe our kind of fun and her kind of fun are different?
BC: Fun is fun! Though I have no interest in her doughnut thing ... and I don't think she appreciates catnip.
EM: More for us!
BC: Momma's mean.
EM: Umm ... didn't we cover that during the other club?
BC: Good point. This club is dedicated to praising tasty whole chickens ... and me. OBVIOUSLY. Because when you're THIS fabulous ...
EM: You're full of poop.
BC: Why don't you respect me? I'm older than you and bigger than you and smarter than you ...
EM: Ummm ... everyone knows girls are smarter than boys. And the only way you're bigger than me is in terms of fat. I'm nice and slim and lady-like.

BC: This day has not gone according to plan. You muck up everything! You ruined the Momma sucks club AND the fellowship of the wing.
EM: Just doing my job, sir.
BC: You don't have to be so good at it, you know!
EM: Phht. I'm a girl AND a black cat ... I can't help being perfect.

BC: My happy place! My happy place! Amarula ... Mudpie ... Mooshka ... tasty whole chickens ... catnip ... paper ... tortie ... ginger ... tortie ... ginger ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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