Tuesday, July 25, 2017

The international chicken incident

Recently, when the cats find themselves on opposite sides of the same closed door, there's a flurry of meows, mews, howls, and ripping up carpet. These exchanges started while Momma was out of town overnight a little over a week ago - when Ellie was closed in her room. What are they saying to each other?!?! This post attempts to translate the exchange. I know the "experts" claim that cats only vocalize for our benefit - they communicate by scent with other cats ... but if you witness Bear and Ellie's vocal "conversations," you might doubt that theory as much as I do. This conversation took place while Momma and The Boy were out of town. To read about what happened right after Momma got home and found the door to Ellie's room open, Chaos loves company.

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat

{Bear rips up carpet in front of the closed door of Ellie's room}

EM: Lemme out! Lemme out!!

{Silence}
EM: I know you're out there, Bear!
{Bear snickers}
EM: I REALLY hate that you rip up carpet right outside my room when the door is closed. It's like you're mocking me and reminding me that I can't get out.
BC: What are you gonna do about it?!?!
EM: I'll have you know that I'M Momma's Precious Princess!!!

BC: Then why does she close you in a room when she's not home?
EM: Because she doesn't trust us alone together. And she's protecting YOU.
BC: I don't need protection from a GIRL.
EM: You don't fool me. For the first week I lived here, you stalked me and followed me everywhere watching everything. CREEPY if you ask me ... but I digress. But any time I lost my patience with you stalking me and ran toward you, you panicked and took off to hide.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
EM: You act tough when you're on the other side of a closed door ... but you're scared ... of me.
BC: Phht. SCARED?!?! Of YOU?!?! Hahahahahaha. As IF. Let's list the reasons I'm NOT scared of you. One ... you're a GIRL.

EM: Oh yeah, Mr. Tough Pants?!?! If you're not scared of me then open this door!
BC: Ummmm ...
EM: I heard Momma talking about how Kitty handed you your butt on a platter many times. And Momma's a girl and you try to get away when she has the toothbrush to brush your teeth.
BC: I'm not SCARED. I err ... err ... just prefer to not have my teeth brushed. Two ... you're smaller than me.

EM: It's not the size of the furry fury, but how you use it. And I'm not scared of you - bigger or not.
BC: You're lucky I go easy on you.
EM: Hahahahahahahaha. That's big talk for the boy that's heckling me from the other side of a closed door. You always act all tough when you feel protected ... but the second that goes away, you run for your life.
BC: And three ... I'm not scared of you because you're a black cat. You're not tough ... you're just bad luck.
EM: I am NOT bad luck!! I'm a sweet girl who has lots of love to give ... and I love when Momma pets me. The only times I bring bad luck are when I've had enough of your nonsense. Then you're gonna have a bad day. Come on! Let me out!

BC: Why should I? Bear Cat doesn't share. When you're out of your room, you just eat food out of my bowl, stink up my litter box, and chase me all over the place.
EM: SCARED?!?!
BC: Phht. Not in the least.
EM: You run pretty fast for a senior citizen.
BC: {GASP} Well I ... YOU ...
EM: LET. ME. OUT!!!!!
BC: No.
EM: You're mean!
BC: If you're so tough, open the door yourself.
EM: The door swings INTO the room. That's the only reason you can open it and I can't. It's not brawn or toughness, just common sense. Wait ... you wouldn't understand what common sense means.
BC: Insulting me isn't going to convince me to let you out.
EM: I'm not insulting you ... I'm telling the truth!

{Pause}
EM: Let me out?
{Pause}
EM: PLEASE?!?!
BC: Why?
EM: Because if you don't, I'll haunt you for the rest of your miserable and cowardly nine lives.
BC: Phht. To HAUNT me, you'd have to be a ghost ... and to be a ghost, you'd have to be dead. I can arrange that.
EM: I never said anything about haunting you as a ghost. I meant in real life. Sort of like you do to me when you're stalking me everywhere!
{Bear starts ripping up carpet on the other side of the door}
BC: Prepare to be amazed ... {AHEM}!!!
{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of "Free Fallin'" from Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers}
She's a brown-nosed girl, loves her Momma.
Loves catnip, what's mine, and Dumbnuts too.
She's a Daddy's girl, crazy 'bout lovings,
Loves tuna, cheese, and chirping too.
{Pause}
BC: It's a long day sharing all my stuff,
There's not enough room for us both here.
And I'm a bad boy 'cause I don't want to share.
I'm a bad boy for bitin' her neck.
{Pause}
BC: Now I'm feelin' glee, glee feelin.'
Yeah 
I'm feelin' glee, glee feelin.' 
{Pause}
BC: She's on the other side of the door,
Trapped there because Momma loves her.
Protected from my furry fury,
My "I'm the shark," is gonna get her.
{Pause}
BC: What's mine is mine, certainly not hers.
{Silence}
BC: Are you listening?!?!? I'm telling you how it is around ...
{Bear hears snoring on the other side of the door}
BC: How RUDE! Son of a ... 
EM: TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN!!!
BC: HUH?!?!?!
EM: Where did that tasty whole chicken come from?!
BC: What tasty whole chicken?
EM: The one right here on the other side of the door!
BC: Wait a ... THERE'S A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN IN THERE AND I'M STUCK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS STUPID DOOR?!?!? I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW Momma was keeping tasty whole chickens in there without telling me!! That's IT!!!! This door is history!!!
{Ellie snickers}
BC: I'm going to huff ... and PUFF ... and BLOW this door down!
{Bear blows}
BC: That was anti-climactic.
EM: As if I need MORE evidence that's you're full of hot air!
BC: I'll have you know I'm full of LOTS of ...
EM: Poop?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... you're making fun of me!
EM: HEY! Get out of my food bowl!
BC: WHAT?!?! What's going on?!?!
EM: The tasty whole chicken is in my food bowl!
BC: Holy cat heavens! He's fattening himself up for me!!! I'm COMING, Mr. Tasty Whole Chicken!!! Just hold on for a ... I'll get in there if it's the LAST thing I do!
EM: HELP! He's biting me! He's biting me!
BC: HEY! No one bites my sister except for me! Darn. This is a plucky chicken. Move away from the door, Ellie. MOVE. AWAY. FROM. THE. DOOR. 
EM: {sniff, sniff} You farted into my room again, didn't you?

BC: I have to get you away from the door so you don't get ... no. Wait a minute ... stand as close to the door as you can! Yep! You'll be safe there!
EM: STOP FARTING INTO MY ROOM! Boys are so ...
BC: HHIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{THUNK}
BC: Ow.
{Pause}
BC: Don't worry, Mr. Tasty Whole Chicken! I'm on my way! 
EM: Ooooh. This is a REALLY tasty whole chicken!
BC: WHAT?!?! YOU'RE TASTING MY CHICKEN?!?! IT'S MY CHICKEN!
EM: Well, TECHNICALLY, if it's in MY room, it's MY tasty whole chicken. Yep. I bet Momma left it here for me.
BC: Get your fangs OFF my chicken! I'm coming in! I'm coming in! One ... two ... three ... CHARGE!
{THUNK - the door flies open}
{Ellie runs out of the room as fast as her little paws will carry her}
BC: {breathing heavily} I'm getting too old for this ... WHERE {puff} is {huff} that {puff} bleeping {huff} chicken?
{Silence}
BC: Here, chicken chicken chicken! HERE! Chicken chicken chicken chicken!
{Pause}
BC: Ellie! Where did you hide my tasty whole chicken?
EM: What tasty whole chicken?
BC: The one you said was in here.
EM: I didn't say there was a chicken in there! I said it was on the OTHER side of the door! That stupid chicken bites me and eats my food!
BC: I was on the other side of the ... @#$%!!! 
EM: Hahahahaha. Not bad for a GIRL, right? Not only did I get you to bust me out of my room, but you also missed that I was calling you a chicken.
BC: {sigh} If anyone asks ... the door exploded open.
EM: Yeah. Momma's dumb enough to believe that!
BC: I know! Hahahahaha. 
EM: Oh, brother.
BC: What?!?
EM: What what?
BC: You said "oh, brother!"
EM: No, I meant ... oh, never mind. Somewhere in the world, a village is missing its idiot.
BC: Kitty said the SAME thing to me once!
EM: Uh huh.
{Silence}
BC: Wait a ... I HATE YOU! I'm persecuted and maligned! Everyone's against me and I don't even do anything to deserve it!
{Ellie snickers}
BC: Holy cat crap. I can't even say that with a straight face. Oh, BITE ME!
EM: If you insist.
BC: {running away} You're not the shark! You're not the shark!
EM: Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
BC: I hope Momma's home soon ... I don't know how much more of this I can take!
EM: You're the one that broke me out of my room!
BC: The door EXPLODED, remember?
EM: Whatever you say.
BC: FINALLY! I get the proper respect ...
{Ellie snickers}
BC: I really, REALLY hate you! 

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44 comments:

  1. Oh you too. Any relationship is bound to get off to a strained start if you don't sit down and talk to each other, cat to cat. You need to manage expectations and set bounds and clearly bounds in air quality too, like the Paris Accord. Thing is you both need respect and to respect each other. Hows about you send the kids away again for the weekend and have a party, watch TV. Maybe even have a tasty chicken flown in!
    Purrs ERin
    PS. Nice work on the door, Bear, have you thought of working for Special Ops?

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    Replies
    1. Another brilliant idea, Erin! A tasty whole chicken party just for us two! And we can get the peeps behind it by telling them how much we "need" it ;)

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  2. Bear, Real Cat Paisley admires your determination to get at the tasty whole chicken. She has a love of chicken too, so maybe you two would make a great pair, exploding doors together, playing I'm the Shark. Of course, there is the small problem that you would probably be afraid of her. She does regularly scare the dog!

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    Replies
    1. And she's a tortie!!! HIIIIIIIII, Paisley!! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Oh Bear, the ladies always win. It's just the Rule. And EM, you are just the cutest lil ladycat!!

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  4. Bear, it's amazing the motivation the thought of a tasty whole chicken provides. Your song rocked!

    Ellie, the lady wants to kiss your nose.

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  5. Maybe you just take a nice long nap when the Mom is away!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what Momma wants, of course! What fun is that?!?

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  6. "Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me!" C'mon, BC!

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  7. Oh Ellie boyz talk a tough game but we ladies all know we are woman hear us ROAR
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  8. What determination, Bear ! That was tricky, Ellie Mae, but it made us laugh (sorry, Bear). Purrs

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  9. Ellie Mae, that was a good trick and it did get the job done.Silly Bear, I bet he really does like having company even if it is a girl. And maybe it is better that she is a girl. You all have a super day.

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  10. Sorry Bear, but Ellie is very smart. She knows just how to manipulate you.

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    Replies
    1. Of course! She's a woman! ~Bear Cat
      BEAR!! ~Momma
      RATS!!! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Foiled by a girl? Oh Bear...Sam shares your shame. His sister foils him all the time too.

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    Replies
    1. She's not smarter than me ... she's just annoying! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Great song, much better than the original Bear. I know your Momma keeps Ellie locked up to give you a break :)

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    Replies
    1. And I need one! She chases me all the time! I mean, all girls do ... but for real! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Oh Ellie Mae, that was *bad*!!! (Would you believe I call Mudpie Princess Precious???)

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    Replies
    1. Mudpie, you are a Precious Princess or Princess Precious or any other term denoting exceptional value and rarity. ~Bear Cat

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  14. AMARULA: Speaking on behalf of all girlcats everywhere I am disgusted by how EM teases you so Bear! You deserve a dozen tasty whole chickens just for allowing her to take one more breath!

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    Replies
    1. Wait wait wait ... I have a CHOICE?!?! So you're saying I can "deal" with her and no one will blame me?!?! ~Bear Cat

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  15. I am DYING LAUGHING at the new rendition of "Free Fallin'"......and now I can't get the song out of my head!! MOL! Thanks Bear!! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. Songs stuck in my Momma's head ... the gift that keeps on giving ;) ~Bear Cat

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  16. This brings me back to when I first moved here and I had to stay in the bathroom when Mommy wasn't home. Lexy used to stalk the door and growl like a lion! I thought she wanted to eat me!

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    Replies
    1. Bear does something similar! He meows at me and tears up carpet on the other side of the door. But I'm not scared of that little weenie! ~Ellie Mae

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  17. We fur sure meow and chortle to each other. Ya' know we hang out with humans so much, we offen mimic their behavior even among ourselves. Have fun and be nice you two. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  18. Ellie; my stars girl but you pranked bear big time !!!! great job :) ♥♥
    hugs from dai$y =^..*=

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  19. Ellie's right. Size doesn't matter - it's how you use it! Sophie could back her up on that one for sure! Ellie and Sophie would actually make quite the pair. Strikingly black and white together! No one could stop them.

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  20. On the contrary, Bear, black kitties are good luck. I bet Ellie has magical powers and maybe she could conjure up a magical spell to fill the room with tasty whole chickens?! I think the two of you could join forces to help take over the world!

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    Replies
    1. Magic?!? Phht. The only thing she can make appear is a stinky mess in the litter box (usually mine!). ~Bear Cat

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  21. Ellie's got you all figured out already, Bear. Mention an easy whole chicken and you are putty in her paws! MOL! XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    Replies
    1. {Groan} Girls! They can't be trusted! ~Bear Cat

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  22. MOL - we love it! That is the perfect interpretation of how and why Bear must have busted Ellie out of her room!!

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    1. We think so too :) He always does it with such conviction!

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