Friday, June 23, 2017

Self-discrimination

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: Bear, we need to talk.
BC: I didn't do it. I specifically and categorically deny that I did anything.
MK: You always do.
BC: Is this about ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I ALMOST fell for it again.
MK: WHAT?
BC: You know! You make it sound like I'm in trouble for something and then, in trying to figure out which particular misdeed I'm in trouble for, I mention a bunch of other things I did.
MK: Maybe if you didn't misbehave so much, you wouldn't have to wonder which misdeed I just found out about.
BC: Phht. It's FUN to clear the shelves above the toilet into the toilet. And it's fun to pull the stuffing out of your comforter. 
MK: Hold on a second ... 
{Momma walks to the bathroom}
MK: BEAR!
BC: RATS!
{Momma walks to the second bedroom to check on the comforter}

MK: BEAR!!!
BC: Rut ro. Three exclamation marks is never a good thing. I can't get in trouble for things I was tricked into telling you! I have a right against self-discrimination! 
{Pause}
MK: Incrimination?
BC: In what? What does crimination have to do with anything?
MK: You're thinking of "self-incrimination."
BC: Why would I want to go in crimination? Are there tasty whole chickens there?
MK: {sigh} Never mind! Anyway ... we need to talk.
BC: We ARE talking, aren't we?
MK: No.
BC: No?
MK: No! I mean, we ARE talking ... but we need to talk about something in particular.
BC: You mean you need to talk and you want me to listen.

MK: Bear ... you could let me finish.
BC: Phht. You know I never listen to you.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Let me guess ... blah blah BLAH blah blah blah. Blah BLAH blah. Blah blah BLAH blah blah. {mockingly} "I like the sound of my own voice and I make my sweet, innocent, and cute kitty listen as I chatter on about nothing of real importance." 

MK: I want to talk to you about your biting!
BC: I didn't do it. 
MK: You didn't bite me?
BC: Which time?

Bear "THE JAWS" Cat's Gallery of Pain ...






MK: Exactly.
BC: What?!?! I've bitten you so many times, how am I supposed to remember every single time?
MK: STOP BITING ME!
BC: Then stop annoying me!!!
MK: I don't do it on purpose! I just do my normal things.
BC: Uh huh. Uh huh. By living, you're annoying!
MK: How am I supposed to know when you'll go from cute kitty to psychotic murderer in two-point-three seconds?
BC: Don't be ridiculous. It only takes me a little over a second. I like to think that I perfected that to an art.
MK: Do you ever listen to yourself?
BC: Why would I listen to myself when I already know what I'm saying? Then again, you like listening to the sound of your own voice ... so I guess that nonsense isn't so crazy to you.

MK: I DO NOT like to listen to myself ...
BC: Blah blah blah blah blah. "BEAR! Guess what happened at the grocery store?" "I don't understand why ..." "I'm not really all that great." And my personal favorite, "Such-and-such is annoying." Like YOU have room to talk!
MK: I thought you said you never listen to me.
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: NO!
BC: You need to work on being less annoying ... less, err ... stupid ... less talk-y ... less HUMAN.
MK: I don't do anything to you! You just bite me out of the blue!
BC: You make it sound like it's random and out of my control! I'll have you know that I carefully plan my biting strategy.
MK: That's even worse. That means it's carefully calculated.
BC: Phht. Can you imagine if I just bit silly-killy?

MK: You mean willy-nilly?
BC: Whatever. You know what I meant. If I bit randomly, I wouldn't have the proper distribution of bite wounds. And let me tell you! It's no fun to bite a used canvas. Luckily for me, because of all the doughnuts you eat, you've got plenty of fresh juicy flesh just waiting to be bitten. With my plan, sneaking a few in there at my discretion isn't a big deal.
MK: Maybe not to you. But it hurts! It's like you're a bite-oholic. 
BC: Hahaha. My name is Bear Cat Kat and I'm a bite-oholic. I like the sound of that!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Do I have to go to rehab? Maybe on a tasty whole chicken farm? I can have my bags packed in less than five minutes.

MK: Yeah. A tasty whole chicken farm will encourage you to bite less.
BC: Who said anything about biting less? I have a reputation to uphold.
MK: If you're a bite-oholic, rehab would mean a program for those that abuse biting. 
BC: Phht. I don't ABUSE biting. I use it very carefully.
MK: Or a course of treatment for biting dependence.
BC: I'm a cat! Depending on biting is my birthright. What cat doesn't habitually bite? You need a program for stupidity dependence. NO! Annoyingness dependence! No, never mind. Stupidity and annoyingness are normal for humans.
MK: You bite just because you don't get your way!
BC: Don't be ridiculous. I bite for A LOT of reasons! That's only part of it. Sometimes I feel like biting ... and sometimes I don't.
MK: When do you ever NOT feel like biting?
BC: Is that a trick question? 

BC: You know, I just bite what's put in my face. If you didn't stick it in my face, I wouldn't bite it!
MK: You bite the couch! The couch doesn't move!

BC: So? Phht. The couch makes me mad too, you know! It sits there MOCKING me CONSTANTLY. Do you understand that kind of disrespect?
MK: Ummmm ... you mock me ALL. THE. TIME.
BC: Well, YEAH! Because you do stupid stuff ALL THE TIME. 
MK: And don't even get me started on your new favorite game, "I'm the shark!" You've terrorized The poor Boy with that one.
BC: Phht. He's slow and dumb. Easy target. And he never learns! He just keeps being slow and dumb and trying to be my friend!
MK: You sure didn't mind him when he gave you some bacon yesterday.

BC: When bacon, torties, or tasty whole chickens are around, all bets are off. You know, if you didn't brush my teeth every day, you wouldn't have to worry about my teeth.
MK: {sigh} Maybe. But you don't usually like pate wet food and you'd be miserable if you didn't have the teeth to chew your favorite foods.
BC: You're right. I love you, Momma.

MK: Ummm ...
BC: You're a good Momma. I love you. You let me be me and love me anyway.

MK: {gathering Bear up in her lap} I love you too, Bug.

The Boy: {walking into the room} I love you!
{Bear looks both ways}

BC: Are you talking to me?
The Boy: Of course!
BC: What do YOU want?

The Boy: You two were having a little love party! I thought I'd join in! We're a little family!
BC: I'm not related to you.
The Boy: I know! I meant LIKE a family.
BC: I wouldn't like to be part of your family.
The Boy: Wait a ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Bear! Bacon!
BC: HIIIIIIII, Daddy.

The Boy: Daddy?
BC: {his face twitching strangely} Grrr ... purrrr ... meow ... chiiiissss ... HCK! HWWWAAACK!!! HHHHIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSS. ERROR! ERROR! CAN'T COMPUTE. Purrrrr ... grrrr ... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
MK: I think you crashed his operating system.
The Boy: The reset button is around here ...
MK: NO! Whatever you do! DO NOT push that ...
{The Boy touches Bear}
BC: Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
The Boy: That's an odd re-start nois ... oh #$%@!
BC: I'm the shark!
The Boy: Uh oh.

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52 comments:

  1. You ARE kind of bitey, Bear. And now you've got Real Cat Paisley playing "I'm the Shark" with my feet! #BadInfluence

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    Replies
    1. And Paisley's a tortie!!! I'll be a bad influence on her any time ;) ~Bear Cat

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  2. Huh. Well... You know hoomins get real irritable with the biting thing. Maybe lay off for awhile??

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    1. What else can I do?!?! No biting ... no clawing ... it really hits a cat where he lives ;) ~Bear Cat

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  3. Bear, they're some serious fangeroonies mew have dude, and yes mew're fully entitled to use them in most situations should the need arise! MOL Tell Momma Kat to get some chain-mail gloves, or we can get the P.A. to send hers that she needed when handling Angel Posie.

    Wishing mew all a bite-free weekend

    Big hugs

    Basil & Co xox

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  4. You are a pretty kitty. And you seem to love Noms. But people Noms are Owie.
    Yael from PlayingInCatnip.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I guess I shouldn't bite so much ... {sigh} what else to do? ~Bear Cat

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  5. That Gallery of Pain looks pretty vicious. But I'm glad you love your momma, Bear. And that the Boy can bribe bacon.

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    Replies
    1. I've perfected my biting ... that's for sure! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Excellent ending , Bear, though I suspect that the Boy won't think so! Game set and match, I think!
    Purrs. Erin
    PS, the reset switch for peeps, have you found one yet? I've tried various bits on mine and all it illicit is some sort of foreign language and dance program.!!!

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    Replies
    1. The ending was pretty great, wasn't it? I'll get back to you on the reset for peeps - it's got to be there, somewhere! ~Bear Cat

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    2. Definitely a Sci-Fi great in the making :)

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  7. Oh Bear, you are the shark indeed ! But too much bites may kill the bites, you know ? Humans don't like it, and they are the ones who have the keys of the treats cupboard... We're glad you love your mom so much. Purrs

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    Replies
    1. This is true. They DO bring home the bacon. I MIGHT need to reconsider ;) ~Bear Cat

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  8. dood...trust uz on thiz; goin two a bass terd chckn farm iz like goin two
    ~~~~~~~ soundz like swell { we R knot a loud ta cuzz on blogs that iz knot
    ourz !! } thatz knot re hab buddy thatz........deer cod...what haz eye done !!!
    ♥☺☺♥

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    Replies
    1. Poultry must be evil. They tempt us in and then are mean to us. I can swear off chickens ... but not torties ;) ~Bear Cat

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  9. I wanted to start a chicken farm once so I ordered some eggplant. That stuff never grew one chicken, a waste of money!

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    Replies
    1. Whoa. I hadn't even thought of an eggplant!! Sounds like I'm not missing anything! ~Bear Cat

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  10. Oh Bear, you and MK are hysterical. The Mom here was laughing out loud at you. But we would have to put a stop to that biting deal. That just isn't very nice. How would you like it if someone bit you?? Anyway, you are a handsome boy and very very funny. Have a good day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We love to hear we make people laugh!!! That's why we do this. Thank you :)

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  11. Bear, I like your suitcase. :) You don't feel the slightest feelings towards the Boy? I mean I know it's fun to be the shark but he does love you. Well, I'm still holding out that you'll find that tasty whole chicken farm.

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    Replies
    1. He says he hates me! I just have to make sure he knows I'm not a pushover! ~Bear Cat

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  12. "carefully planned biting"......oh Bear you are selling out and calling "The Boy" Daddy for CHICKEN!!! Bear!! Have to say your biting gallery was QUITE impressive! Please send your Mama love from us!! We love you too Bear!!! xoxoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. Technically, I was selling out for BACON ... but, you, know ... I would've done it for chicken too ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. You need a stuffie like HHGutt that you can blame everything on. Na mean? MK doesn't have to brush your teeth. Mine stay clean by biting the peeps.

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    Replies
    1. My SOP around stuffies is usually rip and destroy ... but they don't require we share ... and they can do the less pleasant parts of our jobs ... so maybe I should hire one on as a trial? ~Bear Cat

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  14. You sure do like to bite , you are cute though so you can get away with it :)

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  15. Daaaaamn Bear Cat, mom and dad scold me when I latch onto their juicy, fleshy hand morsels, but you gots the bitey-bites like I've never seen!!

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  16. I didn't do it and you can't make me. 😇 How about a weekend moratorium once a month for starters? It might improve your chances for a whole chicken farm. Just saying.

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    Replies
    1. But if I get a tasty whole chicken farm, I'll have to be ready to do a lot of biting, right? I wouldn't want to sprain something! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Apparently you don't subscribe to the theory "Don't bite the hand that feeds you.", huh, Bear Cat? :)

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    1. Momma feeds me with her right hand ... I bite her left hand. Crisis averted. ~Bear Cat

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  18. Bear! Exercising her teeth was something Nellie lived to do when she was young! I remember walking from the kitchen to the living room frequently with Nellie's teeth in my slipper and her paws around my ankle!
    Keep up the good work
    Love Barb

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    Replies
    1. Nellie set a fine example. Most humans don't live as much in 78 years as Miss Nellie did in much less. We miss her deeply - she was truly loved!

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  19. Hey Bear. Have you ever heard the phrase "don't bite the hand that feeds you"? Apparently not. ;) MOL!

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    1. Momma feeds me with her right hand ... I bite her left hand. Crisis averted. ~Bear Cat

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  20. AMARULA: Oh Bear! Those fangs! You are a biter extraordinaire--I have so much to learn from you! Teach me Bear! Teach me!

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    1. If you teach me how to hunt birds ... I'll show you how to bite so it hurts ;) ~Bear Cat

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  21. Well now, Bear, put your paws over your ears. ifin you're serious awnty Kat, you need to bite Bear's ears when he bites. not hard, just enuff so dat he flinches. And say, no bite. And, ifin you bring da new kitty home, she will teach Bear not to bite so hard or so much. Dat's one of da nuce things 'bout havin' more than one kitty. Sometimes, they help teach each other. And, mommy says, hands aren't toys. Anytime Bear looks like he might bite, you should remove your hand and replace it with a toy. Anyways, these are just a few tips. Ifin ya' don't care...then Bear, have at it. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the tips - I truly appreciate that. We should already know them from reading your blog!

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    2. S'okay. Sometimes we furget in da moment. big hugs

      Luv ya'

      Dezi and Raena

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  22. OMC, you let on where your reset button was, Bear? Isn't that supposed to be a top-secret cat thing that the humans can't find out about? Yikes!

    Though a reset button for this new kitten around here would be kind of helpful, now that you mention it. -- Ashton

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    Replies
    1. As any self-respecting cat knows, the reset button moves around for this very reason! Though I'm not sure you want to get close enough to the kitten to find it ;)

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  23. Bear, you are so funny and we love you!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  24. Once again, so witty! I must say, Bear, you should do standup! Maybe your debut show could be something like 'Bear Live: Nothing like a Shark Bite!' Tee hee hee! Hi Momma and Boy, not many peeps get entertained on a daily basis like you do!

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    Replies
    1. We're lucky that Bear's a party in a ball of fur (and claws and teeth) ;)

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