Thursday, December 28, 2017

The break

Holidays ... a trip ... families ... the flu ... we're a bit overwhelmed at the moment. We'll be back to posting and visiting friends next week. Happy New Year! And thank you for your friendship and support. This year was an incredible journey and we loved sharing it with you.

🐾🐾🐾   Momma Kat, The Boy, Bear Cat, and Ellie Mae  ðŸ¾ðŸ¾ðŸ¾ 

Friday, December 22, 2017

And a crab cake with a tortie

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance


{Bear's grooming himself}
BC: {to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"}
On the first day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
A crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the second day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the third day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.

{Pause}
BC: On the fourth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Four cat hammocks,
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the fifth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me: 
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks, 
Three huge tanks, 
Two ginger ladies, 
And a crab cake with a tortie.
EM: Can't you keep it down over there? I'm trying to nap! Not only are you singing while you groom yourself, but you're shaking the bed! How's a girl supposed to get any beauty sleep?
{Bear continues grooming himself}
BC: On the sixth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.

{Pause}
BC: On the seventh day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the eighth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the ninth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
{Bear continues grooming himself}
BC: On the tenth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the eleventh day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Eleven cattle prods,
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
EM: {adjusting her position} SERIOUSLY?!? How do you expect me to sleep with all this racket?
{Pause}
BC: On the twelfth day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me:
Twelve tons of catnip,
Eleven cattle prods,
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
EM: PLEASE tell me you're done! I don't know how much more I can take.
MK: {walking into the room} Will someone tell me why there are post-its ... {stopping as she sees the look on Ellie's face} What's going on in here?
EM: Bear's singing in the shower and I want to take a nap!
BC: My Bear-mas list is complete.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: My BEAR-MAS list! It's like Christmas ... only all about me! My list for Santa is in song!
EM: You just HAD to encourage him, didn't you?!?
BC: {AHEM}.
{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"}
On the first day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me:
A crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the second day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me ...
EM: REALLY?!?! AGAIN?!?!
BC: HEY! People - and anyone with good taste - would PAY to hear this!
MK: Ummm .... SURE. Just give me the short version though.
BC: On the twelfth day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me:
Twelve tons of catnip,
Eleven cattle prods,
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Silence}
BC: Why aren't you clapping?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Last year, Santa totally mucked up my list. Stupid moron can't read I guess. So I changed the name of the holiday to "Bear-mas" so there's no confusion as to the reason for the season! I'm starting to think The Boy is in cahoots with Santa Can't-a.
EM: Santa's not going to come if you keep insulting him!
BC: That's why I've come up with a new way to designate Santa Flaws naughty vs. nice list. It's idiot proof!

MK: Uh oh. Is that the meaning of the post-its?
BC: SEE?!?! Just goes to show my technique IS idiot proof! Even YOU figured it out!

MK: Let's see ... the claw clippers are naughty ...

{Pause}
MK: Your toothbrush too ...

EM: OH! I agree with BOTH of those!
MK: The vacuum and the carrier are both naughty ...

EM: YES! Maybe this isn't such a bad ...
{SLAP!!}
EM: HEY! Get it off me! Get it off me!

MK: BEAR! Ellie's not naughty!
BC: Naughty is in the eye of the beholder. She annoys me ... thus, she's naughty.
EM: HEY! 
BC: Don't feel bad.
EM: Wh ...
{SLAP!!}
The Boy: OWWWW! What's going ...

MK: BEAR! Keep your post-its and your paws to your ...
EM: Wait a ... what's that on your tail?

BC: Hmm ... not COMPLETELY idiot proof. It should be self-explanatory.
EM: YOU?!?! NICE?!?! You're the one slapping everyone with post-its!
BC: HEY! I worked hard to ensure that we have a good Bear-mas! No Can't-a this year! Nope. Everything is black and white. No mistakes.
{Pause as Momma and Ellie look at the cat toys with post-its saying "Nice" written on them}


BC: Err ... yellow and red.
MK: {noticing the corner} You labeled the food too?!?
BC: HEY! The struggle of the bad food diet is a real thing! Thank goodness you also bought the decent stuff.
MK: Bear, you liked the "bad" food until Ellie refused to eat it.
BC: That should tell you something! If Smellie Neigh won't eat it, you shouldn't even bother.
EM: That's not very nice! I'm telling Santa on you!

{Pause}
EM: {distracted} OOOH! The bag of treats! "Nice." I agree with that one! Momma! Can we have treats?!?! PLEASE?!?!

BC: {sigh} My point exactly. That girl will eat anything ... err ... ALMOST anything. If you don't watch out, Santa will bring her a diet! Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take a nap on my "Nice" bed! You're welcome Santa Flaws!

EM: It's Santa CLAWS! 
BC: Actually, that's not how you ... oh, NEVER MIND. You can't reason with a woman. Pick your battles.
EM: If I were Santa, with all your name calling, I wouldn't stop by.
BC: Then I guess it's good that he's not real.
EM: WHAT?!?! He's not real? I've even been good while people are watching!
BC: You're welcome for that lesson.
EM: If there's no Santa, I'm not going to get my brass knuckles, throwing stars, and nunchucks!
MK: Ellie!
EM: WHAT?!?! He demands heavy artillery and you get mad that I want brass knuckles, throwing stars, and nunchucks!?!?
MK: This is ridiculous! NO ONE is getting any weapons - in any form!
BC: What about objects that could be used as weapons? Like chickens? Or spoons?
MK: {trying to change the subject} You marked a lot of things "naughty" or "nice." What about me?
{SLAP}
MK: What was that?
BC: I was just giving you a pat on the back! Because ... err ... umm ... 
The Boy: {walking into the room} Why do you have a post-it on your back that says "Pain in the butt?"
BC: RATS!
MK: BEAR!
BC: BYE!!!

Bear, Ellie, and I didn't send out Christmas cards this year, but we wish all of our friends a merry holiday season filled with love and peace. We are truly thankful for each of you, as we count you among our blessings this year.

Featured posts:

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Heavy artillery {and Christmas}

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance


BC: Welcome one ... welcome all ... to BEAR'S THIRD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS SHOW!
{Silence}
BC: No clapping? No whistles? No chanting my name?!? I'm a STAR! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALL YOU?!?! A star of my caliber should have mosh pits and roadies and unchecked debauchery!
{Silence ... and a waft of snores}
BC: How rude! Sheesh, Humans are LAZY. I tell you, every time I turn around, they're SLEEPING.
{Pause}
BC: {jumping on the bed} MOMMA! MOMMA!
MK: Wha?
BC: IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!

MK: {sitting up quickly} What's wrong? Is Ellie okay?
BC: Now that I have your attention ... wait a ... YOU ONLY ASKED ABOUT ELLIE?! What am I? Chopped liver? No matter. THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
MK: Show? What show?
BC: {AHEM} Welcome one ... welcome all ... to BEAR'S THIRD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS SHOW!
MK: {sigh} Can't we do this tomorrow? Christmas is a week away.
BC: But I want to do it ...
{LOUD SNORING}
BC: How rude! I'll show him!
{Bear hops on The Boy's chest}
The Boy: Wha? Umm ... HUH! I'm having a heart attack! I'm having a heart attack! Call 911!
BC: Hahahahaha. That never gets old.
The Boy: You can't be serious.
BC: Serious like a heart attack! GET IT?! Hahahahahahahahaha.
The Boy: What do you want, Bear?
BC: The talent is ready.
The Boy: What talent?!
BC: What talent ... You're clearly new to this.
The Boy: I don't suppose you're going to allow me to remain that way.
BC: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR-ING!
The Boy: If no sharks and being able to sleep through the night is boring ... sign me up!
BC: Are you ready?
The Boy: For what?
BC: I. CAN'T. HEAR. YOU!!!
The Boy: FOR. WHAT?!?!
BC: Dumbnuts. I HEARD that. It's part of my show! It's supposed to pump everyone up with excitement.

The Boy: There aren't a whole lot of things I can be excited about at three in the morning.
BC: Hmph. Only because you've never found a tasty whole chicken at three in the morning!
The Boy: Technically, neither have you. You just found a bit of chicken I accidentally dropped on the floor while eating my dinner.
BC: Last week it was, "BEAR! It's one in the morning!!!" The week before it was, "BEAR! It's four in the morning!!!" A month ago it was, "BEAR! It's midnight!!!" I'm starting to get the idea that you don't prefer my shows to be in prime time.
The Boy: Prime time is roughly between 7pm and 10pm.
BC: NO! I was talking about MY prime time.
MK: Just let him ...
The Boy: I'm going back to sleep!
BC: MAKE. MY. DAY. I'm the SHARK!
The Boy: OWWW!
BC: That's what I thought.
MK: {sigh} Just go along with it ... the faster we acquiesce, the sooner it will be over and we can go back to sleep. You can't argue with him when he gets like this.
The Boy: You can't EVER argue with him. He's a furry terrorist!
BC: It's called FURRY FURY.
The Boy: Just get on with it, Bear.
BC: FINE! ARE. YOU. READY?!?!

{Silence}
BC: I can't HEAR you!!!! ARE. YOU. READY?!?!
{Silence}
BC: What a bunch of duds. Get in the Christmas spirit! {AHEM!!!}
{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"} 
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
How are thy stripes so sexy!
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
How are thy stripes so sexy!
{Pause}
BC: Not only sexy in summertime,
More in winter when furred warmth's sublime.
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
How are thy stripes so sexy!
{Pause}
BC: O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Filled with love when in my lap you sat!
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Filled with love when in my lap you sat!
{Pause}
BC: For every year the tabby cat,
Brings me joy and love without caveat.
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Filled with love when in my lap you sat!
{Pause}
BC: O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Your purr echoes through the house!
O tabby cat, O tabby cat
Your purr echoes through the house!
{Pause}
BC: Each claw glints in its own spotlight,
And fangs so "I'm the shark" burns bright.
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Twenty-two points to combat.
{The Boy and Bear stare at each other}
BC: {AHEM}.
The Boy: That's not so much about Christmas, Bear.
BC: Well what would you expect it to be about? We all know everything is about MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!

{The Boy and Bear stare at each other}
MK: {whispering} The sooner you clap, the sooner we can go back to sleep.
The Boy: He wakes us up ... then PERFORMS and expects us to worship him?!?! I'm not going to clap for this ... {seeing Bear's face} CLAP! CLAP! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
{The Boy and Bear stare at each other}
MK: Oh for crying ... {whispering} he wants you to suggest an encore.
The Boy: Just how many times has he done this?
MK: It's the gift that keeps on giving.
The Boy: That's ONE way to describe it ...
BC: {AHEM}.
The Boy: {with little enthusiasm} Encore.
MK: Uh oh.
BC: Say it like you mean it!!!
The Boy: If he wasn't such a scared-y cat around people, I'd think he's made for the stage.
BC: Thank you! You're forgiven.
The Boy: Great.
BC: Christmas in THE HOUSE! {AHEM!!!}
{Pause}
The Boy: I suppose there's nothing we can do to make him stop?
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He'll get tired eventually. I mean, he's already overdue for his 3:07 am nap.
The Boy: I thought he woke up from his 2:48 nap at 3:03?
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHH! Four minutes to grab a bite to eat ... use the litter box ...
BC: KIDS THESE DAYS! NO RESPECT!!! Talking during MY show! I should pack it up and deprive you of the rest of my show! HUH! Take THAT!!!
The Boy: PLEASE?!?!
BC: Okay, okay. It's a higher calling! I can't resist giving my public want they want!

The Boy: Since when? And my please was about shutting up!
BC: {AHEM} 
The Boy: Are we even having the same conversa ...
BC: {to the tune of "What Child Is This?"} 
What cat is this, who, laid to rest,
On Momma’s lap, is sleeping?
Whom furred warmths greet with comforts sweet,
While love is Momma reaping.
{Pause}
BC: This, this is Bear the King,   
The name of Princess Buttercup to which he clings.
Quick, quick to join his thrall,
The cat, the ruler of all.
{Silence except The Boy snoring}
BC: {AHEM!!!}
{Momma claps}
{Bear hops on The Boy's chest}
The Boy: Wha? Umm ... HUH! Call 911! I'm having a heart attack! I'm having ... Wait a minute ... it's YOU!
BC: Well, you're not exactly who I want to see either!
MK: Let's keep the show moving along ... what's next?
BC: While I've got this captive audience ... I might as well go over my Christmas list. In song. {AHEM}.
{Silence}
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: YAY!!!!
The Boy: Why are you "YAY!"ing?!?! You're just encouraging him!
BC: ENCOURAGE ME! ENCOURAGE ME!!!!!! My shows are meant to be interactive with the audience! So far, this is a DUDience.

MK: Because I want to go back to sleep sometime this month!
BC:  {to the tune of "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"} 
All I want for Christmas is tasty chickens.
Tasty chickens, tasty WHOLE chickens.
If I could only have tasty whole chickens,

I'd surely have a Merry Christmas.
{Pause}
BC: It seems so long since I could say,
Yum yum winner winner chicken dinner.
Starving now, how happy I'd be,
If I got no thinner.
{Pause}
BC: All I want for Christmas is tasty chickens.
Tasty chickens, tasty WHOLE chickens.
If I could only have tasty whole chickens,

I'd surely have a Merry Christmas.
{Momma and The Boy finally get with the program and clap}
MK: That was ... err ... nice.
The Boy: Err ... umm ... NICE job, Buddy Bear.
BC: "Nice?" "Nice?" I'm a cat! "Nice" should never come into it!
MK: An electrifying performance.
{Bear looks at The Boy}
The Boy: WHAT?!?! 
MK: {whispering} Oh, just say something enthusiastic! We've only missed an hour of sleep so far!
The Boy: That was GREAT!
BC: Better. Was it so great, you want to see the entire show again?

{Momma groans}
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: I KNEW it! CAUGHT RED-PAWED! I wasn't going to give a repeat performance because it's WAY past my nap time - I was just testing you to see if you thought it was great enough to hear again. Obviously NOT.
The Boy: NO! My hesitation was because sometimes ... err ... too much of a good ... err ... wonderful thing can be err ... bad. I don't know how much more great ... err ... fabulousness ... I can take.
BC: Hmph. That's what I THOUGHT! Before I nap, I'm going to hint at the rest of my list. Can you say ... HEAVY ARTILLERY?!?!
The Boy: Yeah, right. As if you don't wake us up enough as it is! As if you aren't full of enough furry fury!
BC: Heavy artillery. Just saying. Last year, Santa totally mucked up my order. I bet he and The Boy belong to the same Brotherhood of Morons chapter. "My name is The Boy ... and I am a moron."
MK: I'm going to regret this ... but heavy artillery?
The Boy: HEY! You aren't going to defend me?
MK: You're perfectly capable of defending yourself! Now, heavy artillery?
BC: Phht. I'm not giving away my strategic plans. The Boy and Ellie moved in - seen as hostilities leading to war ... and I plan on declaring war soon. Preparations are in ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
The Boy: Great. Can we sleep now?
BC: BYE!
MK: Heavy artillery?! I'm not sure I can sleep with that big question mark in my head.
The Boy: @#$%! it! I think he does this on purpose.
BC: {from the other room} If you weren't a MORON, you'd KNOW I do it on purpose!
TO BE CONTINUED ... Do Momma and The Boy ever get back to sleep? And what do post-its have to do with Christmas?

Featured posts:

Friday, December 15, 2017

Surreal greatness, part 2

If you missed part 1: Surreal greatness.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: Oh! A box! What's in the box, Momma? What's in the box?
MK: I won't know until I open ...
BC: Cut up body parts from your last fiance? My boy parts? The Boy's boy parts?! What else would he expect from buying the cow?!? MOOOOOOO. Hahahaha.
The Boy: Excuse me? 
MK: He's kidding!
BC: MOSTLY. Compared to a black widow. I mean, the last guy never really even saw it coming. Like it's MOMMA'S fault he was low hanging fruit ... easy prey ... can you say NATURAL SELECTION?!

The Boy: Who? Never saw what coming? What's he talking about?
BC: Don't say I didn't warn you!
The Boy: About what?
BC: Buying the cow. MOO. Like a cow to the slaughter.
The Boy: That makes no sense!
BC: Oh. It WILL. It WILL.
The Boy: You're scaring me.
BC: Then stop looking in the mirror!
The Boy: Oh. Shut up, Bear.
BC: HEY! That's my line!
MK: Back to the package ...
BC: I'll have you know that my "package" is fierce and virile. NOT for the feint of heart!
MK: Oh, for crying ... NOT your boy part package ... this box!
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I got something! I got something!!! What's in the package?! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?!?!
MK: Give me a second to open it, Bear!
BC: {pacing around the box} I thought my order would never get here!
MK: Order?
BC: Err ... I meant YOUR order.
MK: And exactly what was that order for?
BC: Err ... how should I know? It's YOUR order!
MK: If there's a charge on my credit card, what would it be for?
BC: Skunks.
MK: You ordered skunks?
BC: You say that like it's a bad thing!

MK: So help me ... if we get a box of skunks ... you're going to be in BIG TROUBLE.
BC: You say that like I'm ever NOT in trouble.
MK: Though I am curious ... and I might regret asking ... but SKUNKS?!?!
BC: Pepé Le Pew.
MK: Bless you.
BC: For what? 
MK: Didn't you sneeze?
BC: NO! PEPE. LE. PEW. Haven't you heard of Pepé Le Pew?!?! He's in love with a black cat - he mistakes for a skunk - named Penelope Pussycat. I figure one of the skunks will seduce Smellie and she'll elope with Stinky, Inky, Pinky, Kinky or Dinky ... or ALL FIVE ... never to be seen in MY house again. ðŸŽ¶ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas to me! ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas to me! ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas, dear Bear Cat! ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas to me! ðŸŽ¶ðŸŽ¶
MK: Bear ... that's not even a song!
BC: Oh, sure. Like YOU'RE the arbiter of what's music! You listen to all that loud, metal-y sounding noise! I could bang some pots together - get a few dying constipated crickets - and sound better. "DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!"
The Boy: Umm ... WHAT?! I'm starting to think I should look for another cow ...
BC: Are you going to take that, Momma?!? He called you a cow!
The Boy: That's not what I ... all these references to body parts and last fiances and music with dark-themes ...
BC: Now where were we? Oh, yeah. The love affair. I figure Smellie and Stinky are a match made in heaven ... they both have so much in common, not the least of which that they both stink to high heaven ... and there's a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE connection!

{Momma opens the box}
MK: PHEW! No skunks.
BC: Then what is it?!?! HUH?!?! Is this my Christmas present?! It's a BIG box! It's probably for me! A new servant?!? A cat hammock?!? And don't expect me to share with Smellie!
MK: Wait ...
BC: Did you get me tasty whole chickens for Christmas?
MK: No.
BC: A tortie and some crab cakes?!
MK: NO!
BC: A subscription to PlayTom? Torties Gone Wild videos?!?!

MK: UGH.
BC: You're sending Ellie back?!?
MK: BEAR!
BC: You're packing up The Boy's stuff and telling him to take a hike?
MK: It's not for you. And The Boy and Ellie aren't going anywhere.
BC: How selfish! Not for me ... WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?! It's always about YOU! What about ME?! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME! You get everything ... and I get nothing! Hmmm ... did someone send you a lifetime supply of doughnuts? By chance, would there be any of the chicken or tuna-flavored variety!?!?
{Pause}
BC: Phht. Never mind. A box of doughnuts that big would only last you a week. Did you ask for a scale for Christmas?!? Or are you too embarrassed to admit you broke the last one?
{Momma takes the item out of the box}
BC: What's thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?
MK: Bear, I can't look at the contents if you stick your nose in my way.
BC: What's this ... IT'S A BAZOOKA! FINALLY! I finally got a bazooka! No wait ... it's a bit short ... it's a chicken cannon!!! You know what you need if you have a chicken cannon?
MK: A team of maids to clean up chicken innard spatters?
BC: Hahaha. No. CHICKENS! For chicken innard spatters for your maids, there would have to be chickens! WAIT! Watch where you point that thing!!!

{Pause}
BC: That's a minimizer! You want to zap me and make me tiny. Or blow me up!!!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} NOO! That's the thing you use to beam me up to the alien ship! Give them Smellie instead! I refuse to be abducted by aliens. I'm not sharing my vast intellectual skills with anyone!
{The item clicks as Momma starts it up}
BC: She's loading the bazooka! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN for your lives!!!
{Pause}
MK: How in the HELL does opening a box become so complicated?!?! Oh, right. Because Bear is here.
BC: {running in circles around the house as Momma watches ... back and forth and back and forth} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Momma's going to shoot me! Momma's going to shoot me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: Don't be ridiculous. If anyone is going to shoot you, Bear ... it's me.
EM: {walking into the room} What's his problem?!
BC: {still running} WE'RE GOING TO DIE! {HUFF HUFF}. Don't say I didn't warn {HUFF HUFF HUFF} you! Shake your tail feathers! {HUFF HUFF} RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNN!
EM: How come I don't get the good catnip? If he thinks you're trying to kill him AND he thinks I have tail feathers ... he's on something good! We might consider an intervention.
MK: He's not on catnip. He thinks this is a bazooka.
EM: MORON! You finally got your new CAMERA!

MK: Yep. I finally got a new camera. I'm excited but scared too. I have no idea what I'm doing!
EM: Don't worry. I'll be your model and your muse, but ...
BC: {still running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: How long are you going to let him run around here in panicked circles?
MK: The second best thing to an "off" button. Let him exhaust ...
BC: {still running} SHE'S TRYING {HUFF HUFF} TO KILL ME! {HUFF HUFF} SHE'S TRYING TO {HUFF HUFF} KILL ME! {HUFF HUFF} HEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!
The Boy: {from his office} If only I was so lucky ...
BC: {still running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: I don't think he noticed that you're not chasing him.
MK: He doesn't notice a whole heck of a lot - not even if it crawls up his butt and he ends up choking on it. He's just a bit ...
EM: SPECIAL? He's running around like a chicken with ...
BC: {stopping} Did I hear the word CHICKEN!?!?! Where? Where's the chicken? Is it in the box? Where's my chicken?!? {turning to Ellie} And how can you be so calm?!?! Oh, sure. You came from the alien ship ... so you're just biding your time until you go back. Women are from ... from ... err ... Pluiper? Merturn? Platypus?

EM: Venus?
BC: So you admit it! Women are aliens!
EM: Momma's a woman.
BC: No. She's a MOMMA! DUH!
EM: She's female.
BC: She's a woe-man! Hahahahahaha. Woe be the man that buys THAT cow! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Boy: {walking into the room} Why is Bear mooing again?
EM: Don't ask.
The Boy: I should know better. Oh, the irony. A CAT named BEAR who likes to MOO.
EM: No wonder he spends so much time in the closet.
The Boy: Hahahahahaha.
{Momma hits the camera button}
BC: HUH!?! It HISSED at me! DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?! THAT THING hissed at me!
MK: It didn't hiss ...
BC: I can hiss too, you know! HIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!!! Put 'em up ... put 'em up ... I'll teach YOU a lesson, tough guy! I'll beat you to smithereens! I'll show YOU who's boss around here. Come on! I DARE YOU! Make my day!
MK: BEAR! Stop it. There's no need to fight an inanimate object.
BC: Oh, sure. Take ITS side! I understand! Marginalized in my own home! My fears minimized! Misunderstood! Neglected! Left to fend for myself on the mean streets in this ... err ... house! BYE!
MK: Bear, stop! It's my new camera.
BC: WHAT?! Why didn't you say that before? I have to get out of here! No photographic evidence! Follow me, and your new toy will end up in the toilet.

{Bear takes off}
BC: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Momma's got a new camera and she's not afraid to use it!
EM: NOW WHAT?!?! He thinks everything is out to get ...
BC: OW.
The Boy: You just ran right into me! You should watch where you're going! Especially when you're running around here like a crazy pants!
BC: My pants aren't crazy! YOUR pants are crazy! MY pants are stripe-y and handsome! I wear the pants with pride!
The Boy: I wear pants!
BC: Maybe. But you don't wear THE pants! And you've been a bit lax about the mandatory pants rule. Some things can't be unseen.
The Boy: You make it sound like I walk around naked!
BC: Thankfully, you do not. Now, Momma on the other hand ...
MK: BEAR! I do not ...
BC: HEY! Don't point that thing at me! I'm getting out of here!
The Boy: Don't forget to run AROUND me this time!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! I'm getting out of here before Momma figures out how to use the camera! BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{Twenty minutes pass and Bear walks back into the room}
BC: I figure I have a good twenty hours until you figure out how to do anything but turn that thing on ... but in the mean time, we should negotiate my rate.

MK: Your what?
BC: My hourly rate to model for you.
MK: If I pay you, you'll pose as I ask?
BC: Phht. That's extra! You have to pay just to access all this sexy. Following directions is an additional cost. Pay to portray, Momma. Pay to portray. {AHEM!!!}
{Pause for dramatic effect}
BC: {to the tune of "Milkshake" by Kelis} My tabby stripes bring all the cameras to the yard.
We all know mine are better than yours,
Damn right they're better than yours.
I'll model for pictures, but I have to charge.
MK: And here I thought my camera was expensive.
BC: EXACTLY. If you can afford an expensive camera ... you can pay me for my work.
MK: Most of the pictures I take are of you sleeping or lounging around here. How's that work?
BC: I must be cute all the time.
EM: Bless his heart. He TRIES. It's not really HIS FAULT he's that stupid.

BC: No one asked you, Smellie. I accept payment in the form of tasty whole chickens or cash. No checks. And I get paid in advance!
EM: I like to show off my sexy black panther body. I'll model for you any time, Momma! For FREE!
BC: Phht. You get what you pay for! 
{Pause}
BC: So buy a fancy camera and pay me.
MK: Come on, Bear. My camera's been limping along for quite a while.
BC: Phht. A LIMPING camera! That's almost as ludicrous as The Boy talking about flying wigs. I mean, what's the point of that?!
MK: Pigs?
BC: The point of flying wigs is pigs?
MK: NO! The Boy talks about flying PIGS. 
BC: Well, that doesn't make any sense! Don't get me wrong ... flying bacon sounds fantastic ... but even if you could manage to sprout wings on the pigs ... that curly tail would be useless for navigation. Talk about a ham. What's next?! Hell freezing over?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... {GASP} Last time we went to the vet, it was downright nippy! And NOT the good kind of nippy! Limping cameras ... flying wigs ... err ... pigs ... hell freezing over ... your new camera must be bringing the end of the world! I knew cameras were evil ... annoyingness ... all that photographic evidence ... of my misbehavior ...


{Pause}
BC: And Ellie and I looking alike ...
MK: Oh, for crying ...
BC: {running in circles around the house as Momma watches ... back and forth and back and forth} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The zombies are coming! The zombies are coming! The end of the world is near! Save me! Save me! HEEEEEELLLLP!!!
MK: If there's one thing I can say about this house ... it's great surreality.

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