Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Momma's home

MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat

Momma's home from the Cat Writer's Conference ... what do the cats think about her being home?

MK: {as she opens the front door} I'm SOOO excited to see my babies ...
{Momma and The Boy walk in the front door}
MK: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Momma's home from the Cat Writer's Conference! Where are my kittens!?!
{Silence}
MK: HELLO? 
{Silence}
MK: Bear? Ellie? Where are Momma's kittens?
{Momma narrows her eyes at The Boy}
MK: What did you do to them?
The Boy: WHAT?!?
MK: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. THEM.!?!
The Boy: Nothing! Why does everyone keep accusing me of that?
MK: Accusing you of what?
The Boy: Bear was convinced that I did something to you.
MK: Awww. He missed me.
The Boy: Not "aww!" He threatened me!
MK: So what did you do to him?
The Boy: Nothing! They were out here ignoring me when I left to pick you up! I swear!
MK: Where are my cats?
The Boy: I didn't do anything to them! Not that I wasn't tempted at times ... Did you know Bear woke me up one night just to threaten me by sitting on my chest and glaring at me? Then the cats started all this monkey business! They fought OVER me!
MK: Awww! They fought over you because they love you!
The Boy: NO! They literally fought OVER ... as in ... ON TOP of me. I couldn't sleep with all the "MROW"s and hisses! I've barely slept in DAYS. There was always SOMETHING.
MK: Huh. I slept well. For once.
The Boy: Because you weren't here with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. I need a vacation. Two words. SENSITIVITY TRAINING.
BC: {from the other room} You think you can be trained to be sensitive to our needs?!

The Boy: I meant for you and Ellie to be sensitive to MY feelings and needs.
BC: {still from the other room} Phht. Like THAT would happen. We train you.
The Boy: You mean like how you ride roughshod all over your Momma. She never complains. She just lets you be your dictatorial and ornery self.
MK: In his defense, he IS cute ...
BC: {still from the other room} Yeah, you're right. You can't be sensitive to our needs.
The Boy: "Sensitive to our needs." Is that what you call what you put your Momma through?
BC: I wear the stripe-y pants around here.
EM: And yes ... they make your butt look big.
BC: Shut up, Smellie! The Boy ... you're right!
The Boy: That's what I THOUGHT ...
BC: No sensitivity training for you. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
The Boy: HEY!
MK: BEAR! Come out and see me! Please come out from your window?! I want to pet you!
{Silence}
MK: {to The Boy} I'm sorry they didn't cut you any slack.
The Boy: That's ONE way of describing it.
BC: {still from the other room} We did cut you though!
The Boy: Yeah, I remember. LOOK! I'm going to have SCARS!
BC: {still from the other room} But we were supposed to cut you slack? What's that?

The Boy: He can't be serious.
{Pause}
The Boy: Touche. You two certainly have enforcement power.
BC: {from the other room} It's not MY fault you didn't stop when you were ahead.
The Boy: I WAS NEVER AHEAD!
BC: {from the other room} Huh. You're right. You bring up the rear and are an ass. Literally. Hahahahahaha. Now if you'll excuse me ...
{Pause}
BC: {from the other room} She's ONCE {lick} ... TWICE {lick lick} ... THREE TIMES a TORTIE {lick lick lick} ... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU! {lots of licking sounds}.
The Boy: What in the ...
MK: He's singing in the shower.

BC: {to the tune of "I'm a little teapot"} Smellie Belly pig out.
Short and stout.
There is her pig tail, there is her snout.
When she gets all steamed up she will shout ...
EM: BEAR, YOU JERK!!! I'LL TAKE YOU OUT.
BC: {from the other room} Hmph. Not exactly what I was thinking ... not bad ... I mean, it's a little violent ... but it gets your general ill-temper across.
EM: ILL TEMPER?!?! ILL TEMPER?!?! I'm not the one with the attitude problem. I put up with your nonsense for almost a year before I straightened you out.
BC: Phht. As long as everything is my way, I don't have an attitude.
EM: And YOU'RE complaining about violence? You beat up anything that doesn't move ... like facial tissue boxes!
BC: I AM the shark. I like a captive victim. I'm against violence toward me.
EM: Figures.
The Boy: {trying to change the subject} While you were gone, Ellie walked around mewing forlornly and looking for you.
EM: I did, Momma! I was looking for you because I like your lap the best.
The Boy: HEY! You told me you liked MY lap best!
EM: Well, yeah. When I'm in your lap, it's the best lap ever - otherwise Momma's lap is the best lap ever.
The Boy: After all I put up with when your Momma was gone?
EM: Phht. She puts up with Bear's nonsense ALL WEEK, ALL DAY. For twelve YEARS.
BC: {from the other room} HEY!
MK: Bear?! Come out!
{Silence}
MK: I saw you in the window! Come say hi!
{Silence}
MK: PLEASE come out! I missed you!
{Silence}
MK: Are you mad because I left you with the Dweeb ... I mean, The Boy and Smell ... err ... Ellie?
BC: {from the other room} HMPH.
MK: PLEASE?!
BC: {from the other room} SERVES YOU RIGHT! I'm not coming out EVER!

MK: Pretty PLEASE?
BC: PRETTY NO!
EM: YAY! I get Momma's lap all to myself! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
{Ellie jumps in Momma's lap where she stay until wet food treat time.}
BC: {running to the kitchen when he hears the can of wet food open} I get to go first! I get to go first!
EM: Then you should've come out eight hours ago! I already told Momma everything!
BC: I was talking about being first to get wet food. Why?! What did Smellie tell you? Because I didn't do it! You tattled on me?! 
MK: I know. It was The Boy's fault.
The Boy: HEY! I didn't do anything!
BC: EXACTLY. We only got a wet food treat ONCE! In THREE nights! One word ... STARVATATION.
EM: I already told her.
BC: But ... but ... I'M the man of the house. I get first dibs on everything ... food, tattling, sharkiness ...

The Boy: I'M the man of the house ... 
EM: Tell Momma how I beat you ...
BC: Yeah, right. Anyway ...
{Pause}
BC: In three days, my IQ went down by twenty points!
EM: I don't think you can have a negative IQ ...
BC: Oh, shut ... DWEEBLE.
{A look of horror crosses Bear's face and his jaw drops}
BC: Oh, that's DWEEBLE just great. They rubbed off DWEEBLE on DWEEBLE me! I feel dirty ... used ... what DWEEBLE lady cat will want me DWEEBLE now?
EM: We ... are ... FAM-I-LY ...
BC: This is the WORST day of my entire life!
MK: You said that the day I left.
BC: I know!
MK: And then last week ... twice the week before ... all the way back to the vet and I thinking you were a girl. Remember? When I called you, "Lily?"
{Ellie snickers}
BC: {GASP} You DID NOT DWEEBLE DWEEBLE DWEEBLE DWEEBLE ... ARG!
EM: I'm not so sure he's not a girl now.

{Pause}
BC: You DID NOT tell the story of how you named me ... DWEEBLE! 
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I'm DWEEBLING! SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?
The Boy: You should tell Momma just how much you missed her.
BC: I did! RIGHT in her favorite shoes!
MK: Wait a ... I thought I took them with me ... you must work ...
The Boy: BEAR! You barfed in MY shoes.
BC: Huh. Well, THAT'S a twist I didn't see coming. You see one big foot, you see them all.  To-may-toe. To-mah-toe. Either would be appropriate.
The Boy: I woke up to find him sitting on my chest. His look was very menacing. And his claw was in my belly button!
EM: You mean his look was FUNNY-LOOKING? I'd like to rearrange that face. Teach him a thing or two.
MK: Aww ... were you trying to get The Boy's attention?
BC: PHHT. If I wanted his attention, I would've sat eight inches lower.
The Boy: It still hurt!
BC: I have skillz. And claws. Lots of claws.
The Boy: You don't have to tell me!
{The cats eat their wet food ... then Bear jumps on the table next to where Momma works and waits to get Momma's attention}

BC: Cuddles. Or else.
MK: Always. Come on over, Bear.
BC: I wasn't exactly asking a question.
{Bear settles in Momma's lap}
MK: So you're glad I'm home?
BC: As hopeless as you are, The Boy is worse! And he doesn't even try to understand us!  He really should get that sensitivity training he mentioned.
The Boy: {from the other room} I MEANT FOR YOU!
BC: Sheesh. What's HIS problem? He acts like he hasn't slept for DAYS and I ran over his puppy.
The Boy: I HAVEN'T slept for days!!!
BC: Hmmm. Good point. But I didn't run over your puppy!
MK: Bear, you COULD be nice. He did feed you and scoop your litter box.
BC: Phht. He's not even fit to shovel my poop!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I missed you, Momma. You saved ... PURR ... my life and ... PURR ... no one is like you. I love ... PURRR ... you ... PURR ... Momma.
The Boy: {from the other room} Don't let him weasel out of this! He should be grounded for the rest of his nine lives!
MK: He's a Momma's boy! And he IS awfully cute ...

BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRR ... YEAH! ... PUURRRRR! ... I'm a MOMMA'S ... PURR ...BOY! 
The Boy: That not what I'd call it!
BC: So don't mother-meowing mess with me! My Momma will beat you up!
The Boy: She's an enabler ... all you have to do is let her give you a few ear rubs and then you purr and all's forgiven.
BC: My shark disagrees that all's forgiven. 
The Boy: Uh oh ...
BC: Now if you don't mind ... my Momma and I are having a moment.

Featured posts:

Friday, June 15, 2018

Are your cats bored?

Disclosure: We received a Cat Amazing Box for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - Cat Amazing is not responsible for the contents of this post.


The problem.

Over and over again, when I've been approached by people having problems with their cats, it's become apparent to me within seconds that the cats in question are bored. There's a misconception that cats can be left alone all day - and they prefer it that way. I used to think so too - and then I adopted Bear. It took me a couple months to realize that when he's bored - he becomes destructive. Stalking me ... knocking stuff off tables and counters ... climbing places that he shouldn't be ... shredding papers ... stealing items I use to work ... he truly kept me on my toes. Every time was show-time and he made sure I got a front row seat to all his antics. Less obvious and severe was his tendency to over-groom out of boredom. He's spent much of his life without fur on his lower belly. And now, when Bear's bored, he attacks his sister. Is he a bad cat? Absolutely not. He's just bored. All of those behaviors are due to Bear trying to communicate to me that he needs something more.

I found Bear on the street when he was a kitten - and the transition to being an indoor-only cat was much easier than I could've imagined. But in taking away all the stimulation and excitement (and yes, outright danger) of being outside, I missed the need he had to do SOMETHING. He's not really that into bird or animal watching. And adding a cat tree to our household wasn't enough to keep Bear engaged in his environment. He continued to test the limits and tried to create his own adventures (much to my dismay and the health of many items in our household) with what he could. He taught me that cats have a whole world going on in their heads that we can't even fathom. And I'd venture to guess that many of the cats surrendered to shelters each year due to misbehavior - are about boredom - and not trouble cats.



I learned that by playing with Bear every day, that took the edge off - in addition to drawing us closer emotionally. He wasn't interested much in solo play - except for tossing his micey over the top of our seven foot tall entertainment center. Unfortunately, there were days where playing with him just didn't seem possible. What then? He's got a wealth of toys of every kind and every shape. But I think he craved the interaction WITH ME as much as he did excitement. I tried over and over to find ways to keep him stimulated - even on days I couldn't find a few minutes to play with him. And to be honest, I could've played with him - but for whatever reason I just didn't want to (feeling depressed myself, being sick, etc). Yes, that's the sad truth.

CATS NEED STIMULATION. To be healthy and happy, they require emotional connection, love, and stimulation of their instincts. They need to play out scenarios in their heads. They need something more than a couple toys and a cat tree. They need us. Just like us, they crave attention, purpose, and stimulation. In recent years, we've heard more and more about puzzle feeders and other toys created so the cat can play even when we can't. I still believe that playing with one's cat is necessary - to give the cat our time and attention - to bond - to connect. But we can't do that all day long every day - so what can come up with as the next best option to keep our cats entertained?




Bear hasn't shown much interest in puzzle feeders - in fact, whenever faced with one, he gets a betrayed look on his face because Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest DOES NOT work for his food. However, Mr. Male Princess DOES scarf down his food and then barf it back up. Puzzle feeders sound like the perfect fit for him!

When I was contacted by Cat Amazing to test their box toy, I was hesitant. Both my cats are food motivated - but Bear resists working for his food. And years ago, I made a similar toy for him and that was all well and good for a few minutes until his enthusiasm got the best of him and he stuck his entire front leg in the hole in the box and got it stuck. KITTY TRAUMA DRAMA!!! I have been wrong about my cats before - they have a way of surprising me, so I decided to give Cat Amazing a chance.

Cat Amazing has a program for shelter kitties to help manage boredom in the shelter - and boredom once the cats find their forever homes. The end result is fewer cats are re-surrendered due to boredom-related misbehavior. The fewer cats surrendered means fewer are euthanized from lack of space. So not only does Cat Amazing make your kitty's life better - but it might save lives as well.


Our experience.

The box comes flat in a portfolio type box.
What's this?!? I hope it's treats ...

As Bear would tell you, I'm somewhat challenged with following directions, so the assembly of the box was more complicated than it should've been - but I got it done ... eventually.

Looks easy, right? NOT for Momma ...


Before ...


In progress ...

When assembled, the box is sturdy with different shaped holes around the top and sides. There are three levels of difficulty with the holes.

The assembled product.


Fun directions!

EM: What does it do?
BC: Are there tasty whole chickens in there?
EM: How should I know?
BC: You're the know-it-all!
EM: Do you think it's safe to approach?
BC: As long as you're the one doing it.

Ellie was first up. I followed the instructions that suggested putting the treat on the edge of one of the holes so the cat knocks the treat in the hole when it tries to lap it up. This worked brilliantly until Ellie found a way to get the treat without knocking it in the hole. She's too smart for her own good. I imagine it just really stuck in her craw that the box ate her treats - and she gave it what for. After a couple minutes, she still couldn't get the treat out and The Boy couldn't stand the pathetic and frustrated look on her face - so I felt so sorry for her and got the treat out for her.
Ooooh! It's a TREAT! I LOVE treats! Treats are the best thing EVER. This one looks so lonely.

It says there's a secret level!!

Instead of reading the instructions, you could help me! It ate my treat!!!





Maybe if I try ... I can almost reach ...MONKEY NUTS!!!

Bear was next. At first, he was clearly offended that I expected him to work for treats. When he finally gave up that I might just give them to him, he fell for the treat on the edge trick. And he was MAD! Then all of a sudden, he just gave up and walked away.
It's a treat! I'll just help myself before my piggy sister sees it ... then I'll show her how it's done!

It ate my treat!!! Oh, no you didn't. You DID NOT just eat my treat!!


BC: Are you messing with me?!?! HUH, PUNK?!? I don't take this kind of disrespect from anyone. Prepare to die. Where's my bazooka?!
EM: You don't have one!
BC: RATS! Every self-respecting cat should have a bazooka, a tiara, a tank, and a tasty whole chicken.
EM: You have self-respect?!


BC: No one messes with Bear Cat Kat's food and gets away with it.
EM: {AHEM}.
BC: {sigh} Except Smellie.


Get my treat out, Momma!!! I'm NOT working for my food ... unless you got a tasty whole chicken in there.

Work for my treats?! I don't THINK so!

Our thoughts.

I really like that there are different levels to keep kitties occupied as they become more skilled at the box. I was disappointed that neither cat was able to get the treat out. Are my cats just intellectually challenged, lazy or not stubborn enough? Bear lost interest entirely. Ellie learned how to lick up the treat without landing it in the hole. I later tried the trick with a toy mousie - and she tried just as hard to rescue mousie. So the Cat Amazing can be used with treats or toys.

I plan to keep working with them - using treats and toys. The box doesn't really capture their attention like a toy with moving parts - but once they lose that treat in the hole, the box has a thing or two coming. I can't say my cats were as involved as the cats in the video on the Cat Amazing home page. But I think the box solves many problems our modern housecats experience: boredom, instinct to hunt, and too much food consumed in relation to how much exercise they get. To take advantage of all of those benefits, I'll have to work more with them on the box. It's not a one shot to success thing. It's about keeping them interested long enough for them to discover the benefits. My cats are so removed from having to work for their food, it's going to take some time to readjust their expectations. It takes time to re-train ourselves and out cats to be more active and involved.

Your turn!

Tell us what you think! Do your cats show signs of boredom? Did we miss any? And what do you do to help stimulate your feline? If you're interested in this product, Cat Amazing is available on Amazon and at many other retailers. Of course, the cost varies, but we believe it to be very reasonable. And the box is fairly durable too. Our box got stuck in some barfing crossfire and you can't really tell after I cleaned it up. Works for us!

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae

The Boy: Chest tightness ... ooohh. Something's wrong. It hurts so much. Uh oh. I'm having a heart attack! OWW. It really hurts. It feels like a ton of bricks sitting on my ... can barely breathe ...
BC: You might want to revisit that estimated weight.
The Boy: Wait a ...
{Pause}
The Boy: THAT'S A CLAW IN MY BELLY BUTTON!
BC: It's a little early for "state-the-obvious," don't you think?
The Boy: What time is it?
BC: Who wants to know?
The Boy: WHO DO YOU THINK?!?
BC: Not my circus. Not my monkeys. Now. What did you do with my Momma?

The Boy: What are you talking about?
BC: Momma was here ... you left together ... and only you came home. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. MY. MOMMA!
The Boy: She's at the conference, remember?
BC: If you think you're going to fool me when I KNOW you did something to her, you'll regret it.
EM: Remember?!? Momma talked about going! She's okay.
BC: Did I ask you, Smellie?! NO! Shut up. I look out for Momma. That's how this works. You just suck-up.
EM: I was just saying ...
BC: If one were to want to murder my Momma, that would be the perfect cover! Not that I've thought about that kind of thing ... MUCH. And she'd never be seen again and I'll be stuck Dweebling at the funny farm for the rest of my life!
The Boy: Bear ...
EM: We're really not that ...
BC: Did you at least keep the body?
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: I call dibs.
The Boy: On what?
BC: Momma's body! I just figure since she tastes so nummy when I bite her, I kind of figured she might taste good to eat too. I was afraid she'd taste like doughnuts since she eats so many ... but no. I mean she's not as tasty as tuna or a tasty whole chicken ... but not too shabby either. I mean, with her percentage of fat ...
The Boy: Can this conversation ...
BC: Speaking of food ... I'm hungry. 
The Boy: I gave you a wet food treat ...
{Pause as The Boy looks at the clock}
The Boy: ... two hours ago.
BC: I ate it.

The Boy: Then you can't be hungry! 
BC: I didn't ask for your opinion. I TOLD you I want more wet food.
The Boy: Did Ellie eat your food again?
BC: I have no idea what you're talking about. No one messes with Bear Cat Kat's food. Though my big piggy of a sister tries ...
The Boy: Then you must not be hungry.
BC: I didn't think it was possible ... but this human is even stupider than my other one!
The Boy: I can't wait until your Momma comes home and SHE deals with your nonsense.
BC: Hmph. IF my Momma comes home, I'm going to tell her how you tried to starvatate me! She'll beat you up for being so mean to me! 
The Boy: Can you say ... "drama queen?"
BC: I might be a drama male princess ... 
The Boy: You do realize a queen trumps a princess, right?
BC: Phht. A male PRINCESS trumps everything ... except a Momma. She really knows how to throw her weight around. "It's for your own good!" Phht. If SHE knew what was for HER own good ...
The Boy: So what am I?
BC: Chopped liver? No. I've tasted you ... YUCK! Dweeble Dumber? Hahahaha. Err ... the court jester?
The Boy: I'd ask if this conversation could get any weirder, but I know better. You take that as a challenge! 
BC: The other times Momma's been gone, you at least made it worth my while with french fries!
EM: I didn't get any french fries!
BC: Where are my french fries?
EM: I WANT SOME TOO!!!!!
The Boy: Oh, for crying ... It's THREE AM! Where would I get french fries at this time of night?
BC: Phht. Don't try to lie to me. The potato farm! Potato chips ... french fries ... hash browns ...

The Boy: They don't grow like that.
BC: How ELSE would they grow?
EM: I'm hungry. I want some french fries!
The Boy: Now look what you started!
BC: Only because you refuse to give us french fries!
The Boy: I fed you both your wet food treat TWO HOURS AGO! One of you had to eat it!
BC: When I finish eating over-night and I'm still hungry, Momma gives me more wet food.
The Boy: Nice try. She does not!
BC: I demand you feed me!
The Boy: I demand you leave me alone! I'm not going to be manipulated. You put your Momma through a lot.
BC: Hey. If you can't pay the price ... you don't get to share in the awesome.
EM: The only "awesome" you are is an awesome pain in the ass!
BC: I don't remember asking you.
EM: I don't remember caring.
BC: Why aren't you scared of me?
The Boy: Can you two take this elsewhere? I'm trying to sleep!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP.

EM: Don't tell my Daddy to shut up. YOU shut up!
The Boy: Maybe you could at least get off my ...
BC: Bring that tail just a tiny bit closer and I'll make you a minx.
The Boy: I think you mean ....
EM: I've got just the right claw to shove up your ...
BC: If you want to be declawed. 
EM: I guess it's too late for you ... you've already been de-balled.
BC: HEY!
EM: Do you not like playing with balls because they remind you of what you lost?
BC: I didn't LOSE them! They were STOLEN!!! 
EM: You don't use 'em, you lose 'em.
BC: HEY! I'll have you know I was virile and masculine. 
EM: Compared to a facial tissue box.
BC: I fathered a lot of litters of kittens in my short eight months as a street cat!
EM: You let another cat get close to you?
BC: Phht. I was so virile, the ladies just had to look at me. 
EM: Laughing causes pregnancy?

BC: When Momma gets home, I'm going to tell her you were mean to me!
EM: Oh, grow a pair! She knows you even better than I do ...
The Boy: HEY!!! I'm trying to sleep here! No more monkey business!
BC: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
EM: Monkey see, monkey do!
BC: More fun than a barrel full of monkeys!
EM: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle ... err ... aunt.
BC: I've got a monkey on my back!
EM: Let me show you what to do with that monkey wrench.
The Boy: You two are enjoying this!
BC: I guess I should've known from earlier that this is "state-the-obvious" day.
The Boy: NIGHT! It's still dark!
BC: Phht. I hate having my naps ruined. That's why I sleep all day while you're not here.
EM: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
The Boy: Only one day, twelve hours, forty-five minutes and twenty seconds until the monkeys are reunited with their Momma. I might not last that long.
BC: Can you feed me? I'm hungry!
EM: And scoop the litter box!
BC: And refresh my water bowl!
EM: And play with me!
The Boy: It's THREE AM and I need to get up for work!!!
BC: And we're AT work.
EM: Just doing our job, ma'am ... err ... 
The Boy: Your Momma is right. You two together are more than a simple double of all the usual single kitty nonsense - having two means the nonsense increases exponentially. I don't know how she does it ...
EM: We love her.
BC: YEAH! When's Momma coming home?
EM: Although, I hate when she brushes my teeth!
BC: I hate when she clips my claws!

EM: Maybe we'd be better off ...
BC: We could lock her out!
The Boy: This isn't negotiable!!! YOUR MOMMA IS COMING HOME! Not soon enough though! I haven't sleep more than a few minutes since she left!

Featured posts:

Friday, June 8, 2018

A day off

Momma's at the Cat Writer's Conference in Houston this week - so we're taking today (Friday) off. We also won't be visiting our friends - but we'll be back next week! 

If you missed the preview before, these are the cards Bear Cat made Momma to pass out at the conference!


Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Is Momma finally losing her mind?

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma's sitting at her desk mumbling to herself}
MK: I can't! You'd think I could ... but it's scary. Why did I decide to go? I've never been to this one before - so I don't know how it works. I'm totally out of my element. Woo hoo! I'm paying a lot of money just to torture myself! 
{Pause}
MK: I don't know many people! I know the bloggers - but the other writers won't have the slightest clue who I am. And they'll laugh when they find out. I just have a cheap, do-it-yourself blog because I refuse to spend money. I do everything myself - and the blog doesn't even have a professional design. And it shows! I wish I had an endless supply of money to put into the blog!
{Pause}
MK: I'm a fraud. I don't know why they accepted me to the organization! I don't fit in. I'll NEVER fit in. Or I'm making it into this monster that it's not. Maybe I make it scary. No. What one doesn't know is scary - I'm sure it won't be that bad.
{Pause}
MK: I bet people don't really like me - they just put up with me to be nice. I just KNOW it! Who would want to talk with me? I trip over my words - if I even manage to formulate a coherent comment. I'm so awkward and I'm always terrified people will think my awkwardness is related to how much I like them or something. I'M JUST AWKWARD! But I have done better with each subsequent BlogPaws Conference ...
{Pause}
MK: It's so hard ... the second I sense someone holding back or being distant, I disappear into myself so I don't impose on anyone. I don't do it on purpose and I haven't figured out how to stop it! I guess it's just a survival mechanism. But people don't understand - they just think I want nothing to do with them! When I crave interaction! Heck, I could sit and listen to a person talk about her cats for hours.
{Pause}
MK: I'm not very good at being social. I can't sell myself and I assume the person would rather be talking to anyone else but me! I should just stay home and hide! But I don't WANT to hide! I want to learn and be better.
BC: {whispering} Who's winning?
EM: I'm not sure yet.
BC: How long has she been at it?
EM: She's been mumbling and nodding for two hours.
BC: Maybe she's finally losing her mind. I knew it would happen eventually. The only time she gets like this is when she's ...

{Pause}
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no! I don't think so! She is NOT leaving me here among the peasants while she lives it up at some conference.
EM: What did you mean by, "she gets like this?"
BC: This droopy ... "I can't do this," "People don't like me, " "Just because they accept me, doesn't mean they like me." On and on AND ON.
EM: She's going to Cat Writer's.
BC: What about them?
EM: Who?
BC: CAT WRITERS!
EM: That's the conference she's going to. For the Cat Writer's Association!
BC: She's going to a conference for cats who write?! And I didn't even get invited! 
EM: I don't know that your signs count as writing.
BC: Maybe The Boy is right and Momma truly thinks she's a cat. Charlatan!
{Pause}
BC: Nah. Even SHE isn't THAT stupid.
EM: Daddy will be all ours!
BC: Correction: ALL YOURS.
EM: I'll have you know my Daddy is the bestest thing ever!

BC: No. MY MOMMA is the bestest thing ever.
EM: HMPH. MY Momma is the bestest thing ever.
BC: NO! MY Momma!
EM: NO! My Momma ...
BC: My Momma said KNOCK YOU OUT!
EM: Put that paw away before I break it!
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... we have the same Momma!

BC: Oh yeah. Huh. {GASP} That means we agree! Hmm ... I feel dirty.
{Pause}
BC: I feel the need to barf or destroy something. Just call me "Bear 'Destruction' Cat!"
EM: You're an odd cat. You never have a shortage of trouble-making schemes.
BC: Look who's talking, Miss "I-don't-use-my-PERFECTLY-FUNCTIONAL-claws-and-fangs!"
EM: HEY. Don't mock it until you try it!
BC: All I know is that if she starts getting weepy - I'm getting out of here before the grabby hands make an appearance.
EM: I love her hugs.
BC: You WOULD. There aren't enough tasty whole chickens in the world to compensate me for the hazard pay required after weepy and grabby Momma.
EM: You use her as a chew toy. Being a pillow isn't so bad.
BC: Who's side are you on anyway? 
{Pause}
BC: Then again, I guess if your brain function is limited to pillowing ... pillows aren't exactly known for their brutal and savage nature.
EM: Says the cat that will pick on anything inanimate or smaller than himself - but runs from everyone else.
BC: You're just jealous! When she hugs you, she squeezes the stuffing out of you.
EM: That's my favorite part!
BC: Too bad it doesn't work to squeeze out some of that Smellie Belly! You shame cats everywhere. This is just down-right embarrassing! I have a sister that bats for the other team!
EM: Why?! Because I keep my claws and fangs to myself?
{Silence}
BC: {to himself} I can't believe she's leaving me AGAIN! With THEM and their annoying Dweeble-ness!

EM: Bear's mumbling to himself now? Maybe it's contagious. If I start mumbling to myself ... 
BC: And she's leaving me with YOU and THE BOY.

EM: Yeah, well, it won't be a picnic for us either! We're really not that bad.
BC: You're not that good either. All your collective Dweebling is annoying!
EM: You jumped on Daddy's lap last time Momma was gone. I know, because I was about to jump in his lap ... and there you were! How RUDE! You don't even LIKE him!
BC: That never happened.
EM: Yes, it did.
BC: Where are the pictures?
EM: You know you did.
BC: HMPH. If I did, it's because a lap is a lap. I don't pay attention to the head attached to the lap.
EM: You like us being here so you always have a butt to your jokes!
BC: I don't need you. Before you and The Boy, Momma was the butt of my jokes! Hahahaha.  I mean, given HER butt size ... it's oddly appropriate. I'd just go back to making fun of her all the time.
EM: You like us because you blame us for all the stuff you don't want to get in trouble for?
BC: Have you ever heard of Gary and Larry?! They came into my life a long time ago!
EM: Your imaginary aliens?
BC: BINGO! I don't need you and The Boy to blame stuff on - I have Gary and Larry ... and Momma's just paranoid enough that she won't hold me responsible just in case there really ARE two aliens wreaking havoc around here.
EM: Maybe she's just realized it won't make a difference.
BC: Phht. I don't need some HUMAN telling me what I can and can't do. I do what I want. End of story.
EM: What are we going to do about her?
BC: Her? WHO?!
EM: MOMMA! We were just talking about her!
BC: She's beyond help. That's why she eats so many doughnuts.

EM: Do something!
BC: YOU do something! I did something last time!
EM: Biting her doesn't count!
BC: Says YOU. It DOES count! No more weepiness after that ... just bona fide tears. She totally forgot about her problems! Hahahahaha.
EM: You're the cat that saved her life! DO SOMETHING!
BC: I'm retired from fixing.

EM: You can't retire from being a cat that fixes everything.
BC: RATS! Why didn't anyone tell me that in the beginning?!? The only thing I want to fix now is your face! Hahahahaha.
EM: When does The Boy get home from work? Maybe he can make her stop nattering on.
BC: He's even more useless than she is!
EM: I'm hungry.
BC: When are you NOT?
EM: It's hours and HOURS PAST our wet food treat time.
BC: RATS! Momma's so involved with her discussion, she forgot to feed us!
EM: DO SOMETHING!
BC: What am I supposed to do?
EM: I'm going to starve!
BC: Not likely. There's a reason Momma calls you, Ellie Belly!

EM: Oh, yeah? And why does she refer to, "Bear's big belly!"
BC: If you really wanted me to do something, you'd promise to leave if I do what you want.
EM: But ... but ... I LOVE my Momma and my Daddy! They give good ear rubs - and Momma knows just the right spot - and they let me crawl all over them like a monkey - and I get tons of love ... you'll have to share! I'm not going anywhere.
BC: I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just yet.
EM: I'm really hungry.
BC: Oh, FINE!
{Pause}
BC: Get with it woman. It's way past my wet food treat time. 
EM: OUR wet food treat time.
MK: Patience is a virtue.
BC: Remember what happened LAST time you told me patience is a virtue?
EM: Hahahahahaha. I have to give him that one.
BC: Ellie keeps bugging me so you better feed us or I'll kill her for bugging me!

MK: I'm busy!
BC: You've been sitting here talking to yourself for hours!
MK: So?
BC: FEED US OR ELSE!
{The front door opens}
EM: DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BC: Oh, great! Grabby hands SQUARED is here!
The Boy: Hi, Baby Girl.
EM: I missed you, Daddy! You're the bestest Daddy in the whole entire world! Sit down so I can jump in your lap.
BC: BARF. And Momma wonders why I mind being left alone with those two.
The Boy: Come on, Bear! There's room here for you too!
BC: Phht. As IF!
The Boy: You didn't mind so much ...
BC: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRINGING THAT UP?!?! You sit on ONE Boy's lap and you never hear the end of it!
EM: AHA! So you admit it! Technically, you've jumped on him multiple times ...
BC: Shut up, Smellie! Whose side are you on?
EM: I don't know. But DEFINITELY not yours!

And now ... an exclusive sneak peek at the postcards Bear put together for Momma to hand out at the Cat Writer's Association Conference ...

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