Tuesday, July 17, 2018

ForBEARance

BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma’s fiancé
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: Meow … mrow … HIIIISSS … PUUUURRRRR … HIIISSSSSS … MROOOW! Meow … meow … HIIIISSS … PUUUURRRRR … HIIISSSSSS … (tail flips wildly). *&^%$@! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS!
{Bear farts}
The Boy: HIT THE DECK!!! He’s going to blow!
MK: What?
The Boy: Your cat is broken … 

MK: Funny how he's MY cat when he gets like this.
The Boy: Take cover! He's going to blow in a spectacular show of claws and fangs!
MK: AGAIN? I still have the scars from last time.
{Pause}

The Boy: Well, I mean, he's broken ... even for him. And steam is coming out of his ears. Maybe he’s overheating? 


MK: Maybe he’s sick. He didn’t destroy anything last night. And he didn’t wake me up with a claw to the nostril this morning.
BC: Hardy har har. You all are so funny. Now if you don’t mind … I’m BUSY with important cat business.
The Boy: Our new ottoman?
BC: Phht. You underestimate me. I can see how you'd think that though ... being a slacker yourself and all. I aspire for more.

The Boy: HEY!
BC: It’s not even worth my time. All Momma has to do is sit on it, and it will be flat. Learning to delegate is one of the skills cats struggle with the most. We like to control … to get our fangs and claws in things …
EM: Speak for yourself. I’m a NICE cat. I keep my claws and fangs to myself. I don’t dig my claws and fangs in anything.
BC: You bring shame to cats everywhere. Your claws are too busy up your own butt.
EM: Because I have a huge PAIN in my butt.
BC: It’s not nice to talk about The Boy that way. If you can’t say anything nice …
The Boy: If you were more like Ellie, this house would run smoothly.
BC: You mean if I kiss up and do everything you tell me to and nothing you don’t? Don’t look now, but your tyranny is showing.
{Pause}
BC: Phht. I’m a claws and fangs kind of cat. That’s how I express my inner artiste. 

The Boy: And here I thought you were just a jerk!
BC: I'm me. My standards are different from most.
The Boy: And your shark?

BC: Phht. Same thing. My shark has many talents.
The Boy: Your Momma’s an enabler. She’s put up with and loved you despite your claws and fangs so you think that’s okay.
BC: She loves me at least partially BECAUSE of my claws and fangs and my way of being me. She admires how I am me and never feel the need to ask questions later.

The Boy: Yeah. You're so stubborn that if you got the idea in your head, you'd go headfirst through a wall and then admire the Bear-sized hole afterward. 
{Pause} 

MK: Technically, he has gone headfirst into the wall ... he didn't go though it though.
The Boy: I didn't mean LITERALLY.
BC: That never happened! Unless the wall jumped out in my way just to mess with me. Then I'd let it know what I'm capable of.

{Pause}
BC: But back to delegating … it’s also true that if you want it done right, you should do it yourself. Even so, to keep up with my beauty sleep and rigorous sleeping and eating schedule, I frequently find myself with not enough hours in the day. A cat’s job is never done ... so much to destroy and eat and sleep and be annoying and show everyone who’s boss and look adorable. This level of awesome is high maintenance.
The Boy: Yeah. It’s your AWESOME that is high maintenance.
BC: Would you like to meet my little friends?
The Boy: We’re already well acquainted, thank you. I have no idea why your Momma continues to brush your teeth when you just use those teeth as little terrorists.
BC: WHAT?!?! I could lose my teeth?!?! That would be like the worst thing ever! Life wouldn’t be worth living! To never be able to say, “I’m the shark,” again and back it up to howls of pain. 
MK: So are you going to stop fighting me when I brush your teeth?
BC: Umm… you’ve reached Bear Cat Kat. I’m not home right now. Don’t leave a message or I’ll shove that stupid toothbrush where the sun don’t shine …
EM: He thinks he’s so funny … but he always forgets the …
BC: RATS! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
{Pause}
BC: NOW! Silence in the peanut gallery! I need to concentrate.
The Boy: Ah. THAT’S why he was overheating. 

BC: Oh, shut up. Who asked you?
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm … torties are … VA VA VOOM. And tasty whole chickens are, well … tasty and chickens. Enough said. Tanks and bazookas come in handy … since I have Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber to keep in line. But tiaras are pretty … and I AM Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!! Hahahahahahahaha. I don’t know. I can’t live without torties and chickens and tanks and bazookas … because for real, what’s the point? But I appreciate beauty like any other cat. 


The Boy: {whispering} What’s he talking about? 
MK: Sometimes it’s best not to know.
BC: Then again, life wouldn’t be life without my Momma. Yeah. I think she wins.
MK: I’m afraid to ask what I’ve won. Last time I won something with you, I had to get a shower because you barfed all over me.

BC: Phht. I was showing you how much I love you.
MK: I'm sure.
BC: You know how Smellie’s always saying things are the best things ever? 
EM: What I’m doing at the time IS the best thing ever.
MK: Yes. She’s sweet and loves everything that has to do with her humans.
BC: ANYWAY. I was pondering what MY best thing ever is. You are, Momma.
{Silence}
BC: Pick up your jaw from the floor. Yes. You are the best thing ever, Momma. I love you, Momma.
MK: You are my best thing ever too. 
EM and The Boy: {at the same time} HEY!
BC: Shut it, you two! Can’t you see Momma and I are having a moment?
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah. Yeah. Don’t let it go to your head. Or for that matter, don’t let it go to your butt. Hahahahahaha. 

The Boy: What just happened? One minute Kat was talking about Bear's ... err ... adventures and now she's telling him she loves him?! Like I said, she's an enabler.
MK: I’m better than torties, tasty whole chickens, tiaras, tanks and bazookas?

BC: Is that a trick question because ... 

MK: What?
BC: Okay. Okay. I was kidding. Phht. OBVIOUSLY. You keep me in torties and tasty whole chickens. And you keep Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber in line for the most part.
The Boy: HEY! I wear the pants around here. Your Momma doesn’t keep ME in line.
BC: Yeah. Whatever you have to tell yourself. Just like with Smellie.
EM: What about me?
BC: You all pretend Ellie isn’t short for elephant … but I know better. She’s elephant-sized so that’s the only thing that makes sense.

EM: HEY! Momma said she deleted that picture!
BC: Too bad I know where she keeps the backup!
EM: My foster mom named me and the rest of my siblings after supermodels. My name isn’t short for anything. 
BC: Phht. Plus-sized BOVINE supermodels. Ellie-phant. Hahahaha. 
EM: Momma! Momma! Bear called me Ellie-phant!
BC: Would you prefer Ellie Vader?

{Pause} 
BC: Get it? Ellie Vader … elevator. THE BOY … I am your father. Hahahahaha. 
EM: COOL!
MK: Bear, that’s enough.
BC: Maybe Ellie is short for Yellie. You know how she’s always telling you off for leaving her overnight to sleep? Smellie Yellie. Bellie! Smellie Bellie! Hahahahaha.
MK: Her dancing and telling me off is one of the best parts of my day.
BC: You don’t get out much, do you?
EM: Well, Bear’s short for … for … Bear poop? OverBEARing? NO! Bar-BEAR-ian!

The Boy: Overbearing ... hahaha. That's him.
BC: Phht. That implies that there can be too much "bear." I think not.
EM: There's plenty enough to love.
BC: You LOVE me?
EM: There's plenty for MOMMA to love. Your stripe-y pants certainly don't hide how big your butt is.
BC: Leave the size of my stripe-y pants out of this!
EM: Bear is short for ... unBEARable. 
The Boy: Makes sense to me.
BC: Hey!
EM: BEAR-y embarassed? BEAR-y terrorist? Forbearance?! 
BC: For Bear? What's for me?
The Boy: {ignoring Bear} Forbearance is my favorite. That's probably his full name. A lot of forbearance is required for us when he's around.
BC: WHAT'S FOR ME!!?!?!
EM: NO! Bear is short for "Cross to BEAR!" Hahahaha.
BC: I'm RIGHT HERE! I can hear what you're saying. What's for me?!?! You said, "FOR BEAR!" WHAT'S FOR ME?!?

EM: Not so funny when the shoe's on the other foot, right?
BC: What's that have to do with something for me?!?! TELL ME what's for me or I'll shove my foot ...
EM: Momma claims she named him "Pooh Bear" and then dropped the "Pooh" after having to quickly get out his name so he'd stop misbehaving. Maybe she meant she shortened it from,"Cross to Bear."
The Boy: Hahahahahaha.
BC: MOMMA! They're being mean to me!!! They told me they have something "FOR BEAR," but won't tell me what!!!
MK: What did you do to them? 
EM: She knows you well. 
MK: I'll be back in a few minutes. I have to find something in the closet.
BC: I might not last that long!
EM: What's Daddy short for?
BC: STUPIDHEAD! Besides, that's not his name.
EM: Then what is his name?
The Boy: Don't encourage ...
BC: Dumbpoop! He's a dupe! Hahahahaha.
EM: That RHYMES with dumbpoop - it's not short for it. Besides, you know his name is The Boy.
BC: The Boy is our toy? Skilled in boy annoy-ances?
EM: {flicking her tail} Those RHYME! The Boy is not short for any of them.
BC: Don't you flick your tail at ME, young lady!
EM: Then don't be a menace. Especially toward MY Daddy!
BC: Phht. And you wonder why I choose Momma as my best thing ever. SHE understands me! SHE appreciates me!
MK: {from the other room} BEAR CAT KAT!

BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Wanna bet?
BC: Uh oh. If she asks, you have no idea where I am!
EM: What'd you d ...
BC: BYE! {running off} You didn't see which direction I went either!
EM: {seeing a ticked off Momma looking for Bear} He went THAT way!
BC: {from a region somewhere unknown to others} I HATE YOU!
EM: She looks REALLY po'd!
BC: Why doesn't anyone tell me ahead of time when it's "state the obvious" day!
MK: AHA! Found you!
BC: Oh ... HIIIIIIIIII. I didn't hear you say my name.
MK: You said, "I didn't do it."
BC: Oh. THAT.
{Momma grunts}
BC: You're my favorite! You're my favorite! REMEMBER?!?! You love me?
The Boy: He's one of a kind. He broke the mold.
BC: Then the mold shouldn't have gotten up in my face and disrespected me! I don't break anything that doesn't have it coming.
MK: I noticed. In fact, I just found your ...
BC: RATS! Stop tricking me! I'm innocent! I swear!
The Boy: Bear is short for, "Forbearance."
EM: Agreed.
BC: VERY FUNNY!!! WHAT'S FOR ME?!?!

NOTE: If you don't recognize the hot torties in the picture of Bear and his dilemma of THE BEST THING EVER ... 
🐱 HOT TORTIE BACHELORETTE #1 {BOTTOM PICTURE}: 
Meet Miss Mudpie from Mochas, Mysteries and Meows; she inspired Bear and Momma's infatuation with torties. Oddly enough, Melissa and Momma share a lot in common and are exactly the same age (err ... 29!)!
🐱 HOT TORTIE BACHELORETTE #2 {TOP PICTURE}:
Meet Miss Amarula from Hairballs & Hissyfits. After our initial mutual infatuation of torties, we met Amarula - and she changed our infatuation to love. Amarula's blog was a finalist for Best Pet Humor Blog at this year's BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards. Amarula and Bear are the female and male versions of the same personality. Okay okay ... we suspect Amarula is actually sweeter than she portrays herself to be on her blog.


Featured posts:

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Christmas comes early, part 2

Today's post is the second part of a two part series about the awesome presents we got from some wonderful friends. Thank you, Dezi's World! Part 1 may be read here: Christmas comes early, part 1. The fun continues with today's post.

Note to our friends ... Momma's taking a long weekend so we're posting the post we'd normally post on Friday on Thursday instead.

EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Oooh! Nip! My precious nip! We wants it ... we NEEDS it ...

MK: Technically, it's silver-vine and not ...
EM: I'll have your babies! Or you can have my babies! Purple! Stinky feet! PAR-TAY! Upside ... downside ... have you ever noticed the up and down-sides are only a matter of perspective?
MK: And she doesn't care what it is ... 
EM: This is the GOOD stuff! Come to papa!
{Pause}
EM: [SNORT!!!] [SNORGLE!] TSH TSH ... ooh!
BC: Keep it down over there! The sounds you're making are vaguely pornographic!
EM: Numnumnumnumnumnumnumnumnum ...
BC: GET A ROOM! Stupid niphead sister ... at least while she's busy with that, I get everything else to myself!
EM: This is the BEST thing in the whole wide world!
BC: You already said that!
EM: I really mean it this time! NIPNIPNIPNIPNIPNIPNIPNIP N ... I ... P ... is for NIP! Castle! Liver! Cheese! Ooooh. CHEESE! Munchies!
MK: ELLIE! You chewed through the bag! I was just trying to figure this hammock out ...
BC: My Momma ... goober enough to read the directions but too stupid to understand them.
MK: Yes. Thanks for that. Ellie! Give me the bag!
EM: But ... but ... you took my card ... then my nip ... what am I supposed to play w ... {gasp} SPARKLE BALLS!
BC: She's about ten minutes too slow.
EM: This is the BEST DAY EVER! I don't have any sparkle balls!
BC: Because you lost the other ten in places Momma can't even find. And the ones you lost were MY balls!
EM: Don't be ridiculous. No one could find your balls before. That's why Momma thought you were a girl kitty.
BC: That's NOT ... OOOOH! You're going to pay! I'm just so ... my masculinity is loud and proud.
EM: So is your princess.
BC: MALE princess! Who asked you? 
EM: Whatever, your heinie-ness. Get it? "Highness" "Heinie-ness?" Hahahahaha.
BC: You're just jealous because your head isn't big enough to fit the tiara.
EM: And your head is too big!
BC: That sounded better in my head. You know, humans talk about following in someone's footsteps ... so I thought ...
EM: I don't care! I don't want to follow!
MK: Can you two keep it down? I'm trying to get this hammock up!
BC: Keep it down?!? I'm putting SOME-SISTER in her place here!
EM: On a throne?
BC: You want a piece of this?

EM: A piece. One of your pieces could sit on me and I'd be flat.
BC: Phht. A BARN could sit on you and you'd still be fat ... not flat!
EM: Take that back!
BC: Or you'll sit on ... hmm ... Hi there, beautiful! You're my kind of woman! You smell heavenly! Even covered in Smellie slobber!
EM: HEY! That's MINE!
BC: Phht. Welcome to MY life. Having to share everything with a stupid sister!
EM: Don't talk about yourself that way! As delicate as you are, you're not really my sister.
BC: Huh?
EM: Give me ...
BC: HEY! Stop SLOBBERING over my stuff!
EM: OUR stuff! SCORE! LOOK! I got one of the silvervine buds out of the bag.
BC: Sheesh. I thought your ability to chew things out was limited to yelling at the rest of us! 
EM: MINE!
BC: Momma said SHARE! If I have to share with you, you have to share with me!
EM: WHATEVER. MINE!!!
BC: HEY!
EM: You only use the word SHARE when someone has something you want!
BC: OBVIOUSLY.
EM: BOYS!
BC: HEY! Give that back!
EM: Over my dead body...
BC: It would be my pleasure to arrange.
EM: The only kind of "arranging" I'm for ... is of your face.
BC: HA! I got it away from you!
EM: Momma! Momma! Bear hit me on the head and stole my silvervine bud! I did all the work to get it out of the plastic bag! 
{Pause as Ellie bats the bud out of Bear's paws}
EM: HA! Now who's crying in his catnip?
BC: WOMEN! Shows what you know! That's silvervine!
EM: I have the silvervine. All you have left to cry in is boring catnip!
BC: Blasphemy! Boring? Nip?
EM: I've got you now! Oh, the unspeakable things I'll do to you!
MK: @*&!!!
EM: {looking up} What'd Bear do now?
BC: Why do you think it's always ME she's cursing at? She only does that after she clips my claws!
MK: I can't get this hammock up! It's taken me over an hour to get three supports of the hammock up. The last one ...
BC: As I said before ... "My Momma ... goober enough to read the directions but too stupid to understand them."
MK: So much for help!
BC: Phht. The kind of help you need ... we can't provide.
{Pause}
EM: Hmmmm ... NICE.
MK: BEAR! Stop killing the couch! It didn't do anything to you!
BC: It didn't give me tasty whole chickens!
MK: This is EXACTLY why you don't get catnip! You start beating things up and getting obnoxious.
EM: START beating things up? GETTING obnoxious? Those are his normal modes even before catnip! It's not the CATNIP's fault!
BC: Why don't you shut it or you'll be next?
MK: Bear, stop threatening your sister!
BC: She started it!
MK: I don't care ...
BC: I'm seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexy. No one is as sexy as me. On the catwalk, yeah ... on the catwalk. I shake my hot little tail on the catwalk.
EM: I just threw up in my new hammock. GET A ROOM! And you accuse ME of sounding pornographic!
MK: Bear! I'm in the middle of something!
EM: Momma! Bear's pointing at me with ... with ...
MK: BEAR! Put that away!
BC: Admire me, Momma! Tell me how handsome my stripe-y pants are!
MK: Oh, for the LOVE ...
EM: She can't do that because they're not handsome ... your butt is just big.
MK: ELLIE! 
{Pause as Momma turns back around to the project at hand}
MK: ELLIE! Hey! Get off the hammock! That's not done yet! I turn my back for FIVE SECONDS and you move in on the hammock I'm working on!
EM: You said you need help! I'm going to just sit here and you know, weigh it down so you can get the last strap up.
{Pause}
EM: I'm just testing it, Momma. Pretty comfy!
MK: It's not done yet!
EM: I like it like this!
MK: Please get off it, so I can finish it?!
BC: Momma! It's not fair! Ellie gets to lay on the hammock and I don't!
{Momma mumbles to herself}
MK: I swear ... just want to finish ... OOH! SPARKLE BALLS!
{Momma opens the package of sparkle balls and takes two out for Ellie}
EM: WHERE?!?!
MK: Get off the hammock and you can play with these.
EM: YAY!
{Pause}
BC: Finally! MY turn!
MK: Don't even think about it, Bear.
EM: Hmm ... Hammock ... sparkle ball ... hammock ... sparkle ball ...
{Pause}
EM: SPARKLE BALL ALL THE WAY, BABY!
{Pause}
EM: I'll get you my pretty ... and your little sparkles too.
{Ellies scrambles after the sparkle ball}
EM: How you doin'? BOO-YAH! Take THAT!
{WHACK!}
EM: Awww ... MOMMA! I lost my sparkle ball under the couch!
BC: It's a record!
MK: Not even close. Last time we had sparkle balls she lost one of them after batting it once. 
EM: Momma! Momma! It's a sparkle ball emergency! My sparkle ball needs attention!
BC: Sparkle ball emergency! Phht. Indeed. I'm having an idiot emergency.
EM: What's your emergency, idiot?
BC: NO! I'm SURROUNDED by idiots! THAT'S an emergency!
{Pause}
BC: On second thought ... just another day in the Momma Kat household.
EM: MOMMA! I want my sparkle ball! Bear, you're jealous you don't have any balls ... sparkle or other.
BC: STOP SAYING THAT! My masculinity speaks for itself.
EM: No. That's gas.
BC: Leave my digestive issues out of this!
EM: I want my sparkle ball!
MK: That's why I got out two. Play with the other one!
EM: But I don't want to play with the yellow one. I want to play with the BLUE one.
MK: They're the same!
BC: Phht. Even I know better!
{Pause as Ellie frantically tries to rescue the sparkle ball}
MK: Okay okay. Here.
EM: YAY! Slippery sucker! I'm keeping my eye on you! You're MINE!
BC: We're SHARING, remember? There's no MINE in SHARING!
EM: {ignoring Bear} GOTCHA! What'd I tell you?
{Pause}
EM: I'm tired!!! Those sparkle balls are rascally! Time for a nap. Is my hammock ready? 
BC: HEY! You said we had to share! It's MY turn! 
EM: This is nice! 
BC: HEY! It's MY turn!
EM: I don't think so. Now if you'll keep it down, I can take a nap. 
BC: HEY!!! MOMMA! MOMMA!
{Pause}
BC: {jumping on the bed} Aww. Hell. I don't have the energy left for this. Mark my words ... I WILL get my turn! Tsh tsh tsh. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep ... torties ... tanks ... tasty whole chickens ... hubba hubba ...
{Bear starts snoring}
MK: And I'm left cleaning up after the storm blows through! At least they're cute. 
{A couple hours pass ... Bear moseys out and sees the hammock unoccupied}
BC: FINALLY!
{Bear looks both ways and then behind his back ... }
BC: Yep. MINE. ALL mine! Oh, the things I'll do to you ...
{Pause}
BC: Huh. Smells a lot like Smellie slobber. Gross. 
{Silence}
BC: Huh. Maybe she's not listening ... time to Bear-ify MY cat hammock and permi-fy my butt imprint! From now on, she'll KNOW it's mine!
MK: I can't hear "cat hammock" without thinking of the meaning of "banana hammock."
BC: Bananas get hammocks?!? That's a travesty! I went without for YEARS and some stupid banana has its own? That's just fruity. Hahahahaha. 
{Pause}
BC: She sure stretched the thing out ... fat sisters ... the gifts that keep on giving and ruin EVERYTHING! Hmmmm ...
{Pause}
BC: Just what I've always wanted! This is nice. Even if it DOES smell like Smellie. And I KNOW I'm adorable. Well, at least more adorable than my barn ... err ... sister.
EM: I heard that!
BC: Oops.
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... comfortable ... sleep ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
{Rude awakening courtesy of his sister ... in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... }

Thank you, Dezi, Raena, and Mom Audra! We love your thoughtful (and priorly much desired) gifts!

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Christmas comes early, part 1

Today's post is the first part of a two part series about the awesome presents we got from some wonderful friends. Thank you, Dezi's World; your presents brought much happiness and provided plenty of material for Momma to put on the blog! Part 2 will be posted later this week.

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: I'm starvatating, Momma!
EM: Me too! Me too! I'm starvatating!
BC: Shut up.
EM: I'll shut up when you shut up.
BC: She's a copy cat! Make her shut up.
EM: Because you can't make me shut up yourself?
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... I'm ignoring you ... don't leave a message because I'll ignore that too. BEEEP!
EM: How convenient.
BC: Come on, Momma! Get with it! I'm wasting away right before your very eyes!
MK: Alright. Alright. Let me open the pantry and see what we've got that you'll eat.
BC: I'm staging a sit-in until I get the food.
The Boy: Oh, so TEMPTING!!! He doesn't realize that just a tiny bump of the door would close him in there? BADA-BOOM! Problems solved.
BC: I DARE YOU. You want to kick a hornet's nest? MAKE MY DAY.
MK: That's enough.
BC and The Boy: {at the same time} HE started it!
MK: {sigh}. Real mature guys. What's next? Another farting contest?
BC: I'd win again, too! Best out of three.
The Boy: You would not. And you didn't before.
MK: Don't encourage him!
BC: That's not how I remember it. My butt is a bad-ass bazooka.
The Boy: He's just really really ... err ... 
EM: A jerkwad?
BC: HEY!
EM: Dumb-ass?
The Boy: He's just "Bear." That's the only way to describe his ...
EM: Cantankerousness?
BC: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP! No one asked you!
EM: Grumpiness?
BC: AWESOME! That's how one describes me.
EM: Awesome JERK!
BC: I suggest you shut it before my Momma does it for you!
EM: Too scared to shut me up yourself?
MK: Both of you! KNOCK IT OFF! Or I'll eat your wet food treat myself.
BC: REALLY?
MK: Never mind.
{Pause}
MK: Let's see ... Bear doesn't like this flavor ... and he doesn't like that food ... and I've fed both cats all this other stuff recently ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe I'll feed Ellie one of these packets and give Bear half a can of the tuna and chicken ... Last time I gave the packet to Bear, he refused to eat the contents. Yeah. I'll feed Ellie that and Bear something else.
BC: Is it food time yet?
MK: I have to open the container ...
BC: Is it my food time now?

MK: BEAR! I'm plating Ellie's first.
EM: WOO-HOO! I'm Momma's favorite!
BC: Phht. You wish. Yours was just on ...
{Pause}
BC: {SNIFF SNIFF} {SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFF} Ooh! That smells like ... OH! OH! ME! It's my food time!
MK: Bear! Last time I gave you this food, you refused to eat even a lick.
BC: But it smells so good! Like tuna and fish and fish and tuna ... and what cat worth his stripes wouldn't eat that?!?! Gimme gimme gimme!!!
EM: Not all cats have stripes.
BC: Oh, yeah. I forgot. All one color ... BORING!
MK: That would just figure. JUST when I think I have them figured out ... he has to ... I try to cater to them both and it always blows up in my ...
EM: HEY! You said that was mine!
MK: Apparently, Bear's planning to eat it this time.
BC: {BURP!}
EM: Gross!
BC: Get any closer and I'll fart!
EM: Boys are so ...
{A fart is heard}
EM: EWWWWWW! And I'm about to eat!
BC: I didn't do it!
EM: That's what you ALWAYS say!
BC: Yeah. But this time I really DIDN'T do it!
The Boy: Whoops. Sorry.
BC: If there was a fart-off I'd win. Sure ... his farts are loud, but mine could've extincted the dinosaurs. Bazooka butt, baby!
EM: And yet, the hot air doesn't appear to come out the back end. No wait ... I stand corrected.
BC: HEY!
The Boy: I'm going to bed.
BC: BAH-BYE! Well, until our game of "give The Boy a heart attack."
The Boy: It's not "GIVE" it's "Make The Boy THINK he's having a heart attack."
BC: If you keep mocking my weight ... I'd sleep with one eye open.
MK: Here you go, Bear.
BC: Oooh. TUNA. Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom. Hmm ... NUMMY cubed!

MK: BEAR! Don't eat so fast or ...
BC: Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom. Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom. Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom. DONE! It's a personal best .. woo ...
{Pause}
BC: HWK! HWAAAAK! HWK!
EM: GROSS! Momma! Bear just threw up all over the place where I eat!
MK: Yes. I heard.
EM: Hmmm ... it does smell pretty tasty ... maybe just a taste ...
MK: ELLIE! Don't eat Bear's barf! I'll just put your plate over here. Not a big deal.
EM: OOh! TUNA! I LOVE tuna! I love tuna more than anything in the whole wide world ... tuna is the best thing ... Nomnomnomnomnom.
BC: Oy. I need a nap.
[The rest of the story will be told mostly via pictures ... just capturing the highlights. The cats and Momma spent a couple hours exploring and playing with their new things]
MK: Time for work, kittens!
BC: {whispering to Ellie} Did she just use the "w" word?!?! Who does she think we are? DOGS?
EM: {whispering to Bear} That's what I heard too! Surely she doesn't think that we'll actually ...
BC: Maybe she said "lurk?" I mean ... you're pretty good at lurking when Momma's in the bathroom.
EM: Phht. I bet she said "jerk." That's your domain!
BC: What happened to, "if I can't say anything nice, I'll keep my yap shut?"
EM: Hmm. You're right. You're always a jerk so it wouldn't make sense that Momma ...
MK: Kittens reporting for work! Kittens reporting for work!
BC: RATS! That was DEFINITELY the "w" word! I'm getting out of ...
MK: You two want to open the presents we got from Dezi's World?
EM: {perking up} Did you say ... present?

BC: No. There was DEFINITELY an "s" on the end of that! What'd I get? What'd I get? I bet it's a tasty whole chicken!
EM: Momma said "we." That means you have to share! I bet it's a tuna!
BC: Phht. Given discriminating taste, who would choose surf over turf?

EM: What?! It doesn't smell like food. What does it do?
BC: That's the packing material, dumb-poop!
EM: What is it? 

BC: Just hang on to your ... your ... frilly underpants!?!
{Pause}
BC: That sounded kind of stupid ... or didn't make sense.
EM: Don't worry. We're used to it.
BC: You're right. We have The Boy.
EM: He's not the one I was referring to! You ...
{Momma opens the package and sets the contents on the floor}
BC: {sniffing the contents} I smell girl kitty! Oh, the things I would do to a girl kitty ... the smell ... 100% pussy ...
MK: BEAR!

BC: What?!?! 100% lady pussy cat! What did you think I was saying?
EM: I'm a girl kitty. What would you do to me?

BC: You're not a girl! You're a sister! That's different!
EM: Here's the card!

{Pause}
EM: {laying on the card} Oohh. Nice. I love this card!
BC: You haven't even seen what's in it!
EM: In it?! What's in it?! Open the card, Momma! Open the card!

BC: You have to get off it first!
EM: Awwww. Bye bye, card. I love you more than anything in the whole world.

{Bear rolls his eyes}
BC: Oooooh. What's this?!?

MK: Look at the card we got!
BC: Phht. Card. Yeah whatever. Cards ain't gonna fill my belly! My precious ...

{Pause}
BC: I need to stretch my ... Ahhhh ... that feels ... GOOOOOOOOOOD.
{Pause}
BC: Ooooh! And THIS!

{Pause}
BC: OH! Hey there, sparklies! Bear loves sparklies! What are pretty things like you doing in a place like this?  I think I dreamed about you last night! Did you dream about me? Hmmmmmmm?!
{Pause}
BC: What does THIS do?
{Pause as Ellie sniffs at Bear's "precious"}
EM: I haven't quite figured ... smells like ... hmm ... INTERESTING.

BC: HEY! Get away from MY ... MY ... err ... whatever this is! And keep your sniffer to yourself unless you want to dig it out of your own ...
MK: BEAR!

{Ellie moves back a few feet to survey the going-ons.}
BC: That's what I THOUGHT! No one messes with Bear Cat Kat! Try to encroach on my ... err ... err ... Momma? What is this?

MK: It's a hammock!
BC: For ... cats?

MK: Yes!
BC: A hammock ... for me?!?!

MK: Yes! 
BC: WOO-HOO! I love you, hammock! I've loved you from afar for too long. 

MK: I'm so glad you ...
BC: This is the best day, EVER! My own hammock!
MK: But you have to share with your sister.
BC: SHARE?! What the ... touchy feely BULL-CRAP!
EM: Oooh! Nip! My precious nip! We wants it ... we NEEDS it ...
MK: Technically, it's silver-vine and not ...

How does Ellie react to being told her precious nip is actually silvervine? Does Momma finally manage to assemble the cat hammock? And do the cats ever learn to share?