Friday, March 31, 2017

Watch duty

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


Daily conversation - Watch duty:
BC: So ...
The Boy: So ...
BC: We're alone.
The Boy: Yep.
BC: What do you want to do?
The Boy: I don't know. What do you want to do?
BC: What do I want to do ... or what can I do that won't get me in trouble?
{Silence}
The Boy: Why are you staring at me?

BC: Momma told me to keep an eye on you.
The Boy: Why?
BC: Because I don't trust you.
The Boy: Then why would your Momma tell you to keep an eye on me?
BC: She didn't. She just told me to be a good boy while she was gone. Being a good boy is watching you.
The Boy: Are you just going to sit there and stare at me until she gets home?
BC: Yes.
The Boy: {sigh}. Now I understand why she got so nervous when you used to stand on the table a foot away from where she worked and just stared at her.

BC: I can't do that anymore because you stole my table.

The Boy: I need a desk!

BC: I need a way to annoy my Momma!
The Boy: You still wake her up at your whim. You still bite the back of her leg when she's standing in the middle of the room or she's standing at the sink ... for NO reason. 
BC: There's a reason.
The Boy: What?
BC: You wouldn't understand.
The Boy: You want to irritate her.
BC: You're right. You do understand. You're pretty good at irritating her yourself.

The Boy: WHAT?!?! I don't irritate her on purpose!
BC: It's okay. Don't worry. I won't tell her. You don't have to pretend you don't do it on purpose.
The Boy: What are you talking about? I don't do it on purpose! And you tell her EVERYTHING! Even when you promise not to tell her! 
BC: Hmmm. Yeah, you're right. I'm going to tell her. One of these days, she'll kick you out.
The Boy: You annoy her far more than I do and she's kept you around for over ten years.
BC: I'm CUTE! And my head tilt and purring and sleeping in a ball melts even the hardest heart. No matter how mad she gets at me, I just have to purr and rub up against her a few times and she forgets what I just did. What have you got?

The Boy: I'm not nearly the pain in the ass you are. You make ME look good!
BC: Don't be ridiculous. Nothing makes you look good.
{Bear goes back to staring at The Boy}
BC: So ...
The Boy: Sooo ...
BC: Huh.

The Boy: Why are you staring at me like that?
BC: You're welcome.
The Boy: What?
BC: I'm gracing you with my handsomeness! I could sit and stare at myself for hours and never get enough.
The Boy: Don't you have anything better to do?
BC: Not really. Unless you know where to get tasty whole chickens.

The Boy: Sorry. Perhaps you could take a nap?
BC: You'd like that wouldn't you? Then you could sneak your tasty whole chickens around here.
{Silence}
BC: What are you doing?

The Boy: Eating lunch.
BC: Why?
The Boy: Because I'm hungry.
BC: Why?

The Boy: Because I haven't eaten anything yet today.
BC: Why?

The Boy: I just never got to it.
BC: Why?
The Boy: I don't know.
BC: Why?

The Boy: WILL YOU STOP ASKING ME WHY?
BC: Why?
The Boy: Are you TRYING to irritate me?
BC: Why don't you people tell me when it's state the obvious day? And just for your information? I'm not TRYING to irritate you. I AM irritating you.

The Boy: So you know exactly what you're doing.
BC: Obviously. Oh! OH! Here's a good one for state the obvious day! You're an idiot!
{Pause}
BC: Since you couldn't come up with an obvious statement in response, that means I win!
{Pause}
BC: Can I have some?
The Boy: Some what?
BC: Some of MY lunch.
The Boy: MY lunch! And you tell on me every time! Then I get in trouble!
{Pause}
BC: ARRRRGGGGGGGGGG! DIE SUCKER!
{Bear suddenly and without any provocation viciously attacks his kick stick}
The Boy: Lunch AND a show!
BC: Do you mind? I'm trying to kill my kick stick so it doesn't eat you!
The Boy: Carry on.
BC: You could thank me.

The Boy: Thank you.
BC: You're welcome. I accept payment in the form of your ... I mean MY, LUNCH!
{Pause as Bear and The Boy stare at each other for the next ten minutes ... }
{The Boy gets up ...}
BC: HEY! Where are you taking my poop?
The Boy: I'm scooping your litter box!
BC: But ... but ... my poop's not for you!
The Boy: I'm just trying to help your Momma! I don't want to smell it until she gets home!
BC: As if YOUR poop doesn't stink!

The Boy: That's not the point! I'm putting your poop in the same place she does! How is my touching it any different?
BC: I don't trust you ...
The Boy: The feeling is mutual.
BC: ... with my poop. Or anything else for that matter! Next thing you know, you'll steal my fur! Admit it! You want to be like me! You want to be this handsome and sexy! You want my Momma to wrap you up in her arms like she does me! You want her to pet your belly and lower back and give you ear rubs. Me and Momma have special snuggles!

{Silence}
BC: What are your intentions with my Momma?

The Boy: I love her, Bear. She's extra special.
BC: That's ONE way of putting it!
{Pause}
BC: If you hurt her again, you better figure out how to run REALLY fast. I barely survived the last couple incidents. She kept grabbing me to snuggle!
The Boy: But you like Momma snuggles!
BC: What does that have to do with anything?
The Boy: If you LIKE snuggles, then it's not really a trial to get them!
BC: {flexing his claws on the couch} Just pointing out that I won't take you hurting my Momma again lightly. I love my Momma. She's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but she's special. Actually, she can be a huge pain in the ass.
The Boy: Just because she knows what you're doing before you do it?
BC: Whatever.
The Boy: So you're telling me that if I offer you a tasty whole chicken farm in exchange for your Momma, you'd keep your Momma?
BC: Erm ... YES!
{Pause}
BC: Maybe? Exactly how many tasty whole chickens would occupy the farm?
The Boy: Enough for the rest of your life.
BC: What about the eight other ones?
The Boy: Eight other whats?
BC: A cat has nine lives.
The Boy: Sure. Them too.
BC: I'd also need a silent pair of thumbs to pet me and feed me.
The Boy: You drive a hard bargain.
BC: And I haven't even used my fangs and claws yet!
The Boy: Uh oh ... umm ... did your Momma say how long she'd be gone?
BC: I only need a few minutes.
{The Boy gets up and closes himself in the bathroom}
The Boy: {behind the bathroom door} HONEY?!?! Umm ... when are you going to be home?
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: No, everything's fine here! I just ... umm ... miss you!
{Pause as Momma talks}
BC: {through the door} THE BOY'S TRYING TO GET RID OF ME! HEEEEEEEEEEELP!
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: Of course NOT!
BC: {through the door} HE OFFERED ME A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN FARM TO DISAPPEAR! WITH ENOUGH TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS FOR NINE LIVES!
The Boy: SHHHH! I'll give you the rest of my lunch if you quiet down.
BC: What lunch? The one you left unattended?
The Boy: @#$% &^@#!
BC: An idiot is born every minute. Luckily, my Momma dates most of them.
The Boy: He ate my lunch!
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: I closed myself in the bathroom! He was threatening me!
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: He won't stop looking at me!
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: No. Of course we can be left alone together! Nope. No problem.
{Pause as Momma talks}
BC: {through the door} Hey! Tell her we need more treats!
The Boy: We need more treats.
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: NO!! I didn't feed him ten bags of treats! I swear! I was just repeating what HE said!
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: Of course I wouldn't jump off a bridge just because he did!
BC: Hehehehehehehehehehehehe.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Twenty-two points

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Twenty-two points:
BC: {pawing at the side of the couch with both paws} La de da de da.

The Boy: Stop that!
BC: YOU stop that! You're not the boss of me! You're not my real Dad!
The Boy: Your Momma's not your real Momma.
BC: WHAT?!?! She isn't? 
The Boy: Uh oh.
BC: PHEW! This is the BEST day of my NINE LIVES!
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Thank the kitty gods that I don't share DNA with her. And just for your information, she's not the boss of me either.
The Boy: She's not that bad.
BC: Would YOU want to be related to her?
The Boy: Well, that's different!
BC: I didn't think so.
The Boy: NO! That would just be weird! I LOVE your Momma, Bear!
MK: {from the other room} I love you too!
BC: BARF! Do you two mind? GET A ROOM!
The Boy: We ARE in a room.
BC: Get a room where I am not! No, no! Get a room that's not in this house!
The Boy: You can leave.
BC: I was here first! You're just an interloper.


The Boy: I'm not so bad, am I, Bear? I give you good ear rubs, don't I?

BC: No touchy! No touchy!
MK: Admit it! You don't find The Boy so disagreeable, do you? You just pretend not to like him so he'll share his food with you because you think he thinks he has to win you over.
The Boy: WHAT?!?!?!
BC: RATS! WHO ASKED YOU?!?!?! Are you trying to ruin EVERYTHING? SHHHHHHH! He might ...
The Boy: I'm right here, Bear.
BC: {to Momma} RATS! This is all YOUR fault! Whose side are you on anyway?
MK: Why don't you just quit clawing the couch? And maybe cut out the diva cat attitude.

BC: I'm a diva? Doesn't that mean I'm a superstar without equal? I need to renegotiate my contract! Get me my agent!
MK: Bear, you don't HAVE a contract.
BC: Phht. I'm not STUPID, Momma! In show business, performers always have a contract. I want my agent.
MK: I am your agent.
BC: I want a different agent!
MK: No.
BC: Well, you can't be THAT bad at it, considering Garfield is one of your clients.
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: You said you "rep" Garfield!
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: A few weeks ago, you said you rep Garfield ... you were reading his comics!
MK: Oooooh. I said I READ Garfield. Not "rep." I meant "read" in the past tense ... pronounced "red."
BC: So you read Garfield, but you don't REP him?
MK: No, I don't rep him. 
BC: I'm screwed! There goes my plan for lasagna, pizza, and tasty whole chickens. 
The Boy: Wait, wait. You only PRETEND to not like me so I'll slip you some of my food?
BC: Are you still here? A little slow, aren't you? That revelation was like three days ago.

{Pause}
BC: Hmph. La de da ... off to work I go ... {Bear starts pawing the couch again}.

The Boy: BEAR! QUIT IT!
{Silence}
The Boy: HONEY! I told Bear to stop clawing the couch and he listened to me! SEE? I told you he listens to ...
MK: Hahahaha. Just wait for it ... and ...
{Bear goes back to pawing the couch ... this time, with more conviction}

The Boy: I SEE you, Bear!
BC: GOOD! Up YOURS! Pay attention!!!
{Bear goes back to clawing the couch with both paws}
MK: Hehehehehehehe. Yep. That's the way it works around here.
The Boy: You're doing this JUST because I told you to stop it and JUST because I'm sitting here watching you!
BC: Ding ding ding! BOO-YAH!
The Boy: You didn't stop because I told you to, but to make me look stupid!
BC: Like you need any help with that! Never trust an agreeable cat.
{Pause}
BC: No. On second thought, never trust ANY cat. But ESPECIALLY don't trust a cat that seems to be listening to you. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, SUCKER!
{Pause}
BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!
{Bear bites the couch}
The Boy: I know you have a big mouth and all ... but you're still not going to get the entire couch in your mouth.
BC: Says the guy who couldn't figure out how to use the toaster yesterday!
The Boy: No! I couldn't figure out how to use the dial!
BC: DIAL! Dude. I know how to use the toaster and I don't even have opposable thumbs!
MK: Knowing how to use the toaster properly isn't the same thing as knowing how to use it your way.
BC: Semantics. I stick my paw in the toaster ... you run ... I get attention. That's all she wrote.
MK: Holy crap. If you had opposable thumbs, you'd probably get your paw stuck in there even more.
BC: It wasn't STUCK! I knew EXACTLY what I was doing.
MK: Getting my attention?
BC: EXACTLY!
MK: Then what was that panicked look when you figured out your paw was stuck?
BC: I just FAKED that my paw was stuck. And you fell for it!
MK: I'd be more likely to believe that had you not almost rolled off the counter in your panic at not being able to get your paw out of the toaster. You're lucky I was there to catch you and the toaster.
BC: I'm a good actor, aren't I? A natural showcat. Check this out.
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!}
{To the beat of LMFAO's "Sexy And I Know It."}
When I saunter by, 
my sexy makes the girls sigh.
Many torties to meet,
shaking my hot tail to the beat.
This is how I stroll, 
tabby stripes, sexy out of control.
I'm Bear Cat, the master of claws,
Like catwalk models for applause.
Hottie, look at this body.
Hottie, look at this body.
Hottie, look at this body.
I rock out.

Hottie look at this body.
Hottie look at this body.
Hottie look at this body.
I rock out.
When I walk on the street, this is what I see,
hot girl kitties stop and they stare at me.
I got passion in my stripes,
and I'm not afraid to show it.
I'm sexy and I know it.
I'm sexy and I know it.
Check it out, check it out.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
{Silence}
BC: Why aren't you clapping?
The Boy: Ummmm ... why?
BC: Isn't it OBVIOUS?
The Boy: No.
BC: Why am I not surprised?
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Excuse you is right!
MK: {whispering to The Boy} Just clap. Don't ask.
The Boy: {slowly clapping}.
BC: They love me! They want an encore!
{Groaning from Momma and The Boy}
The Boy: I KNEW clapping was a bad idea. We just encourage him!
BC: Phht. I don't need ENCOURAGEMENT. I'm this special all on my own.
The Boy: You said it, not me.
BC: Captain Obvious, I presume?
The Boy: What ...
BC: DO YOU MIND?!?! I have a performance to give! QUIET! 
The Boy: "Special" ... stupid cat.
BC: Says The Boy who bragged that I was listening to him.
MK: Hahaha. He has a point.
The Boy: Whose side are you on?
BC: You're right! She's being unfair to me! If she fully appreciated me, she'd know I have twenty-two points.
The Boy: NOT what I meant.
BC: Wanna see my twenty-two points?
The Boy: No.
BC: Party pooper. We haven't played, "I'm the shark," in WEEKS! My shark-ness is getting all clogged up!
The Boy: Ask your Momma to play with you.
BC: Phht. She's not THAT stupid.
The Boy: And I am?
{Pause}
The Boy: {sigh} Never mind.
BC: Now hand over some of your dinner.
The Boy: No. 
BC: I HATE YOU!
The Boy: I can live with that.
BC: RATS!

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Friday, March 24, 2017

Like this ...

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Like this ... :
BC: Do I smell {sniff sniff} FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD?
{Pause}
BC: I DO! I DO!!! I SMELL FOOOOOOD!

{Bear looks one way and then the other}
MK: BEAR!
BC: RATS! You weren't looking in this direction! You weren't even in the SAME ROOM as me! How did you know what I'm doing?
MK: Get down!
BC: La de da de da ...
MK: GET DOWN!
BC: But ... but ... FOOD!
MK: That's The Boy's food!
BC: Even better! If you let me have some, it's only him that's missing out. I promise to leave your food alone if you let me have some of his. And I won't tell him about your liberties with his food.
MK: I've fallen for all those promises more than once, Bear.
BC: HEY! It's not my fault you're stupid and gullible! What cat wouldn't take advantage of that?
MK: A cat that is stupid enough to call the person he's begging food off of stupid. 
BC: RATS! Which reminds me ... I've been meaning to ask you ... can we keep The Boy?
MK: WHAT?!? Did you eat rotten food? Hit your head on something?
BC: Phht. You jest. But it's very simple ... since The Boy moved in, the quantity AND quality of food around here has increased exponentially. You cook him all kinds of yummy foods that you didn't cook for just yourself. Like CHICKEN!
MK: Bear, you've done nothing but complain about The Boy since he moved in.
BC: RATS! If he leaves, you could get your revenge by letting me eat his dinner ... before he leaves! OBVIOUSLY, he doesn't matter.
MK: BEAR! He mattered when you wanted chicken last night.

BC: I got SCREWED! I got a teeny tiny piece of chicken!!! It took me ten minutes to even find it on the floor after The Boy dropped it!
MK: Bear ...
BC: And to be honest, it didn't even taste like chicken so I think The Boy faked me out and didn't really drop chicken for me. I bet it was crumbs from breakfast!
MK: HEY! That's MY cooking! I cooked the chicken ... so you better believe that it tasted like chicken.
BC: Phht. At least he was nice enough to give me some ... unlike SOME Mommas around here.
MK: I thought you said he didn't really give you chicken.
BC: He didn't!
MK: Then he's no better than SOME Mommas who wouldn't give you chicken anyway.
BC: EXACTLY!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... NO!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... maybe? What was the question again?
MK: Never mind.
BC: The Boy gave me a french fry last week!

MK: WHAT?!?! I told him NOT to!
BC: I think you should ground him.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: You ground me when I give myself food! It only seems fair that HE'D be grounded for giving me food.
MK: No. I ground you when you STEAL food. You can't give yourself what isn't yours to begin with.
BC: Let me tell you ... the first couple weeks The Boy was here were perfect! That half-wit left tons of food sitting out and I was nice enough to clean it up for him. Now he knows my tricks almost as well as you do!
MK: I told him not to give you anything without asking me first.
BC: Clearly he doesn't listen to you. Not that I'd blame him because I don't listen to you either! By the way ... I like french fries.
MK: What?
BC: Wait a ... you weren't listening to me!
MK: I'm sorry ... did you say something?
BC: I hate you!
The Boy: {walking into the room} What's going on here?
MK: You gave him a french fry?
The Boy: Ummmm ...
BC: I'm being a sweet and innocent kitty cat and Momma is being mean to me!
The Boy: She wouldn't let you have any of my dinner?
BC: I HATE YOU TOO! Mr. Know-it-all.
The Boy: Pot ... meet kettle.
BC: I'm not a pot! YOU'RE a pot!!!
The Boy: What?
BC: You called me a pot! I'm assuming you mean it as some kind of stupid human insult that I can't understand because of my superior intellect.
The Boy: No. That's a saying. You called me a know-it-all ... but you think YOU know it all.
BC: I DO know it all!
The Boy: I think your Momma has the right idea about closing herself in the closet when you get like this ... you're impossible.
BC: Like this? Like THIS?!?!?! Let me tell YOU! ***THIS*** is prime, super fancy, grade A plus, CAT. Clearly, not all humans can handle my awesome fabulous-ness. But don't expect me to be LESS fabulous just because you can't handle the entire repertoire of my fabulous-ness.
{Pause}
BC: Wait ... might my impossibility and over-personality cause you to leave? Because that would be pretty cool.
The Boy: No.
BC: RATS! I'd  love to tell everyone I got rid of you ... 
The Boy: Great.
BC: If you left, I'd be out noms, but I'd get my my table back! I miss annoying Momma by staring at her while sitting less than a foot away from where she's working. WHOA!!! And my window?!?! No more computer equipment blocking the way? 
{Bear Cat pictures how things SHOULD (and used to) be ... and how much The Boy shook things up}
Bear pictures how it SHOULD be ...
Bear pictures Momma's Boy-induced insanity {Bear Cat loses his table and window} ...

BC: HOLY CAT CRAP ON A CRACKER! I'd have my Momma all to myself again!
The Boy: {sigh}.
BC: Are you still here? You haven't left yet?
The Boy: Nope.
BC: The only drawback other than fewer tasty noms is that I would have to deal with a grabby sobbing Momma again. Impromptu snuggles up the WAZOO! Hmmm ... if Momma starts crying, you'll be in BIG troub ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a {Bear runs from the family room where he was talking to The Boy, into the kitchen where Momma is making her dinner} ... FISHY!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: Do you have fishy? That DEFINITELY smells like fishy!

MK: OFF the counter! You're in the way.
BC: Make m ... HEY! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW! Bear abuse! Momma's trying to kill me and ...
{Pause}
BC: Yep. Definitely fishy. Where are you going with that?
MK: To eat it!
{The Boy busts out laughing as he watches Bear Cat follow Momma to and from the kitchen as she brings her meal to the table over the course of a couple trips}
The Boy: He's ridiculous!
BC: HEY! Fishy is NEVER ridiculous!
The Boy: You know she's not going to give you any! She never does. And you're following her back and forth on her heels! I've never seen anything so ... RIDICULOUS.
BC: Then I guess you haven't looked in the mirror recently.
The Boy: I look this way only because you act like you want me to pet you and then you attack me.
BC: Phht. That's not what I was talking about. I didn't do THAT to your face. Besides, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
The Boy: Like how you always beg your Momma for some of her food even though she never gives you any?
BC: Phht. I don't need her food anymore. I have a half-wit that gives me some food when I look cute and as if I'm starving. But that reminds me ... you really should have more fishy and more chicken. This Chinese stuff is crap. And no more salads!
The Boy: I'm not going to choose my meals based on what you want a bite of.
BC: I told my Momma that you're selfish! It's always about YOU! 
{Bear noses around Momma's plate as she goes back to the kitchen to grab something else}
The Boy: BEAR! Get down! That food isn't for you! And I know you were talking to me to distract me from watching that you stay out of your Momma's food. If she comes back and any of it is missing, I'll be in big trouble!
BC: As if. If you're in the doghouse, that counts as you moving out!
The Boy: GET DOWN!!!! Get your nose out of her food! BEAR! DOWN!
BC: Get down? Have you seen my MOVES? I'm getting DOWN with the hip and nip you dip! Listen to my lip and take a tip ... when I get down, the house will rip.
The Boy: WHAT?!?
BC: Just sayin'.
The Boy: I have no idea what all that even means!
BC: I'm so nipped and hipped, I require a nap. If you manage to filch some of Momma's fishy, let me know. Ooooh! Also wake me up if it looks like you're headed to the doghouse ... I could use some entertainment around here.
{Bear jumps up on his cat tree and settles in to take a nap ... thirty minutes pass ... Momma gets out the supplies for Bear's beauty routine and climbs on the arm of the loveseat to reach Bear on the top perch}

The Boy: HONEY!!!!
MK: What?
The Boy: GET DOWN!
MK: What?
The Boy: You're going to hurt yourself like that! Don't climb on the arm of the loveseat and reach out to grab a cat on the top perch - when you know he is going to squirm and fight you with fangs and claws!
MK: It's fine! I do this all the time.
The Boy: GET DOWN!
BC: Hahahahahaha. Now you know what it feels like, Momma! Think about THAT before you yell at me to get down again!
MK: Maybe. But unlike The Boy seeing me just now, I see you misbehaving even when I can't see you. 
BC: I HATE YOU!

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