Monday, February 27, 2017

Love bites

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

Daily conversation - Love bites:
The Boy: Where do you keep the treats?
MK: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
BC: RATS! Come on! Tell him! Tell him! I want to know too! And if you tell him AND kill him, that solves both of my problems at once! I'll know where the treats are and The Boy will be gone!
The Boy: Come on! I want to give him some treats!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: You're the one that always says he's fat!
BC: HEY! 
The Boy: Well yeah ...
BC: DOUBLE HEY!!!!

The Boy: ... but if I give him a few treats he might like me.
BC: Phht. Not likely.
MK: You want to give a fat cat treats?
BC: That sounds like a GREAT idea! Minus the I'm fat part.
The Boy: I want him to like me.
BC: Which is EXACTLY why I never will.

The Boy: Do you mind?
BC: Nope. I live here. 
The Boy: So do I.
BC: Don't rub it in. 
{Stare down between The Boy and Bear Cat}

BC: My Momma has a thing for morons.
The Boy: You would know!
BC: You. Did. Not. Just. Go. There.
The Boy: I did.
BC: Oh, no, you didn't.
The Boy: Oh, yes, I did.
BC: Where are my treats? You DEFINITELY said treats! Momma! Didn't he say treats?

MK: I'm staying out of this.
BC: HEY!
The Boy: HEY!
{Bear bites Momma}
MK: OWWW! BEAR! Keep your teeth to yourself!
The Boy: {to Momma} That was just a love bite!
BC: {to The Boy} Are you STILL here?
The Boy: I live here!
BC: Yeah, yeah, don't rub it in.
The Boy: BITE ME!
BC: With pleasure!

The Boy: Oh, no no no no no no no. Not the ...
BC: I'm the shark!
MK: BEAR! Keep your teeth to yourself.
BC: FINE! But you didn't say anything about my claws!
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: Uh oh.
BC: I thought you said you weren't taking sides!
MK: I'm not! I just don't want to clean up blood all over the place. Again.
BC: BUT he said the word treats and didn't give me any treats!

The Boy: You started it!
BC: No, YOU started it!
The Boy: YOU!
BC: YOU!
The Boy: YOU!
BC: NO! YOU!
The Boy: Where'd she go?
BC: Who?
The Boy: Your Momma! I just turned around and she was gone.
BC: What?!?! You need her to protect you?
The Boy: I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you.
BC: You're welcome.
The Boy: I didn't REALLY mean ...
BC: I bet she hid in the closet.
The Boy: WHAT?
BC: Yeah, sometimes when you're annoying her, she hides in the closet and closes the door.
The Boy: Why would she do that?
BC: Ummm ... BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING HER!

The Boy: You have a lot of experience with that?
BC: No.
{Pause}
BC: Err ... yes!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... was that a trick question?
The Boy: HONEY?!?!
MK: I'm not coming out until you two stop acting like children.
BC: I'm not acting like a child!
The Boy: Are too!
BC: Am not!
The Boy: Are too! 
BC: We should see how far each of us can pee.
The Boy: You should pick a battle you can win.
BC: HEY! Yesterday, I said I needed a do over! A gentleman would allow a do over!

The Boy: You requested a do over THREE TIMES!
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME that my aim isn't as good as yours! 
{Pause}
BC: HEY! We should have a barfing contest!
The Boy: No.
BC: Are you SCARED I'll win?
The Boy: NO!
{Pause}
MK: Hi ...
BC: BARF BARF BARF BARF!
MK: Oh, for the love of ...
The Boy: HONEY! This isn't what it looks like!
MK: NOPE! I'm going back in the closet.
BC: Hehehehe. It was EXACTLY what it looks like!
The Boy: SHHHH! Don't we have some kind of boy code or something?
BC: You mean like signals or gestures? Because I don't have balls, so I can't scratch them!
The Boy: No, I meant not telling on each other and agreeing with each other when one of us is lying!
BC: YOU LIE to my Momma?!?! SIR! You should be ashamed! I'm going to tell my Momma you want to recruit me into your treachery and lies!
The Boy: NO! That's not what I ...
BC: Momma said that while she's gone you can give me as many treats as you want.

The Boy: I didn't hear that.
BC: I'm the shark!
The Boy: OWWWWW!
BC: That was just a love bite.
The Boy: @#$& the &$@! So help me ... ^@#%!
BC: Hehehehehehehe.

Featured posts of the day:

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Sunday Selfie #38

I know I'm handsome. So joining The Cat on My Head's Sunday Selfies blog hop is a no brainer! This week, I'm sharing pictures of one of my most recent grooming sessions. After viewing my pictures, you're MORE than welcome to express your appreciation of this fine feline specimen with tasty whole chickens ... my Momma will give you the address (just tell her you're sending me socks!). ~Bear Cat


Friday, February 24, 2017

No more boys

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy
Boy #2

Daily conversation - No more boys:
BC: {walking into the family room where he finds Momma and a DIFFERENT boy} Oh, no no no no no no no. HEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO! Uh uh. NOT going to happen. Not ANOTHER one!

MK: Shh.
BC: No. Don't shhh me! NO MORE BOYS! 

MK: BEAR!
BC: NO. One Boy living here is more than enough. This is illegal! And immoral! And just plain wrong!
{The Boy walks in the room}
BC: Do you see this crap? Did you have something to do with this?!?! Because let me tell you ...
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: THERE'S ANOTHER BOY, DIMWIT!

The Boy: Well, it's not really the ...
BC: Are you just multiplying like bunnies? Or are you cloning yourself? Because I swear, if I see you break into two boys, I'm going to open a can of whoop-ass first and ask questions later!
The Boy: He's not here to ...
BC: {looking repeatedly from the visitor boy to The Boy} Uh uh. NOT GONNA happen! Not in this lifetime or in any of my eight other lives! My Momma's a harlot! How much money do you make, Momma? With all the guys moving through here, I should have a tasty whole chicken farm by now!
The Boy: What guys?
BC: You. The guy on the love seat. My family room's turned into a waiting room! NO! A BOY FARM! What is wrong with you people?!?! And in front of my toys and cat tree! Do you not have decency or respect for innocents?

MK: Says the cat that rips the ears off the "innocents" and beats the smack out of them.
BC: HEY! I don't tell you how to play with YOUR toys!
MK: Ummm ... actually ...
BC: RATS! But that's only because YOUR toys are MY toys! But these boys? ALL YOURS! I can't have a tasty whole chicken farm, but you can have a boy farm?
The Boy: Bear, this guy's here to ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR DEBAUCHERY! MIND BLEACH!!! I NEED LOTS OF MIND BLEACH! No! My brain needs washing! With bleach! With extra-strength bleach! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO! I need a brain TRANSPLANT!

The Boy: Can we choose a low attitude, smarter model this time?
{Bear stares at The Boy}
The Boy: I mean, you do kind of stupid stuff all the time ...
BC: Says The Boy that broke up with my Momma HOW many times?
MK: BEAR!
{Pause}
BC: WHAT?!?!? I'm so stressed, I'm MOLTING! 
The Boy: Well, your Momma and I love each other very much.
BC: Excuse you while I barf a little! Nothing says "I love you," like my Momma's boy collection.
The Boy: Collection?
BC: Didn't I warn you?!? Wait a ... 
{Pause}
BC: {to the second boy} Do you have a tasty whole chicken farm? Because I could trade one boy for another.
Boy #2: Excuse me?
BC: A T-A-S-T-Y space W-H-O-L-E space C-H-I-C-K-E-N space F-A-R-M.
Boy #2: I don't think so.
BC: I KNEW IT! Momma is choosing only boys that don't have tasty whole chicken farms! Then again, a boy with smarts and taste would have a tasty whole chicken farm AND because of that intelligence and taste, he wouldn't date my Momma. I'M SCREWED!!!
Boy #2: This guy's pretty funny ...
MK: Don't encourage him!
BC: ENCOURAGE ME!!! ENCOURAGE ME!!!

Boy #2: ... for a cat.
BC: HEY! That's it! Prepare to die!
Boy #2: Hahahahahaha ... {he stops as he sees Bear's face} ... ummm. UH OH!
BC: {narrowing his eyes} What are your intentions with my Momma?
Boy #2: Actually, I'm here to ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Don't make me an accomplice to your evility and depravity! Did I ask? No!
Boy #2: Actually you ...
BC: RATS! WHO ASKED YOU?!?!

Boy #2: Actually ...
BC: Is that the only word you know?
Boy #2: No. I mean ...
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!
Boy #2: YOU DID!
BC: I must be more stressed than I thought! 
MK: Bear, the guy's here to look at the television.
BC: I don't care! You have to take this one back to the store! I know you like to stock up on stuff, but do we really need TWO boys? I think not!

MK: What are you ...
BC: Or the boy farm or wherever else you dragged him in from.
MK: Bear, he's not going to be here for very long!
BC: Here's my list of conditions ... no one eats my food, climbs on my cat tree, snuggles with my Momma, plays with my toys ... you try, you die.
The Boy: Well, I mean, I've been snuggling with your Momma ... {seeing Bear's face}.
{Pause}
The Boy: Uh oh. I better pick up my shoes and put away my work papers before we go to bed tonight. We don't want a repeat of last week.
BC: Hahahaha. You're welcome. Now THAT was a true masterpiece if I might say so myself! I was pretty proud of that one! 

{Pause}
BC: OH! One more condition ... no more bears! Or copy cats disguised as bears.
MK: Bear, the teddy bear is cute! And he hasn't messed with you.
BC: One can never be too sure or too safe! I mean, I'm cute and I know how to destroy stuff!!! 
The Boy: He has a point.
BC: No. I have twenty two points to be exact. Would you like a demonstration?
The Boy: Hahahahahaha ... err ... oh, you're serious. Err ... no thank you.
BC: I HATE YOU! You're no fun!
{Pause}
BC: {to the second boy} How about you?
The Boy: HEY!
BC: Well, if you don't want to play, I should give the other guy a chance ... he might be a keeper. Then your job would no longer be available.
The Boy: HEY! Last time was more than enough!
BC: Hehehehehe. It WAS a good one. But my favorite was a week ago. Hahahahaha. I'm the shark.
The Boy: Oh, no, you don't!
BC: Come on! It'll be fun! What good are my claws and fangs if I can't use them? I have to get some furry fury out before it gets all clogged up!
{The doorbell rings}
BC: The aliens are here! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear runs under the bed}

Boy #2: Is he always like that?
The Boy: Mr. Tough Pants strikes again!
BC: HEY! I heard that!
The Boy: Uh oh.

Featured posts of the day:

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Bear vs. Bear

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Bear vs. Bear:
BC: You want to antagonize me? Antagonize me. MAKE MY DAY.

{Pause}
BC: That's IT! I've had enough of you, bear! You poop sucker! You ... you ... spawn of evility!
{Pause}
BC: Wipe that smug smile off your face or I'll do it FOR you, goat sniffer!
{Pause}
BC: I saw that! You WINKED at me, mother-meower. You want a date? Dream on! You're MY b!tch!
{Pause}
BC: Prepare to die!
{Pause}
BC: What? WHAT?!?! I heard that!

{Pause}
BC: Do I look like a pansy? You think I'm afraid to show you who's boss around here?
{Pause}
BC: You want a piece of this? Huh? You want a piece of this? Come get me!
{Pause}
BC: There's only room for ONE Bear in this house ... and I'm it!
{Pause}
BC: My Momma is MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!!! MINE!!!!!!! Bear Cat doesn't share!

{Pause}
BC: If you're one of those intellectual weaklings who believe in "sharing" ... let me tell you ... BEAR CAT DOES NOT SHARE.
{Pause}
BC: There's no where to run. It's just you and me!
{Pause}
BC: I see you quaking in your boots ... err ... fur. You're afraid. And you should be. Because I'm going to beat the stuffing out of you!

{Pause}
BC: I SMELL your fear! Err ... no. I farted. Excuse you.
{Pause}
BC: YEAH! TAKE THAT, BEAR!!! There's more where that came from!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! I saw that! You stuck up your middle claw at me! Prepare to be unstuffed!
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA! MoooooooooMMMMMMMA! The bear looked at me funny!!! He's MOCKING me! I shouldn't have to put up with this kind of disrespect in my own home!
MK: {from the other room} BEAR? What's going on in there?
{Silence}
BC: This isn't going to be quick. I'm going to make it slow and painful. I'm going to unstuff you piece by piece. And if you fight, I'm going to tell my Momma on you!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIII-YAH!
{THUNK!}
BC: Ow.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! You moved the bear!
MK: You were about to destroy him.
BC: EXACTLY!
{Pause}
BC: How rude! You moved him JUST as I was charging and I ran into the wall!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh, I get it, bear. You're such a sissy that you require MY Momma to save you! Phht. At least I don't require my Momma to save me!
MK: Ummm ... actually ... I've saved you quite a few times. When you got your paw stuck in the toaster, or your body stuck in the handle of the plastic bag, or your hind leg in the peanut butter ... and any time it storms or you're scared, you hide behind me.
BC: Who asked you?
MK: Bear, the stuffed bear isn't alive.
BC: You're taking his side!
MK: He hasn't done anything to you!
BC: He mocks me! Look at his face!
MK: Bear, his face is always like that.
BC: Then let me rearrange it!
MK: No.
BC: He looks like a bird-brained, dim-witted, imbecile pantywaist.
MK: Just leave the bear alone, Bear.
BC: Yeah, bear! You heard my Momma! Leave me alone!
MK: No, Bear. I was telling YOU to leave HIM alone.
BC: You take his side!
MK: No. There's just no reason for you to fight a stuffed animal.
BC: He's trying to start something!

MK: Says the cat that was circling him and trying to beat the smack out of a stuffed animal.
BC: HEY! Stuffed animals can be dangerous! ESPECIALLY when they try to steal one's Momma.
MK: I'm still here, Bear. 
BC: I saw you cuddling with him! Don't deny it! He was in MY FAVORITE spot!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Hmph. Don't BEAR me!!! Next thing you know, he'll be eating my food and playing with my toys! Or he'll get MY tasty whole chicken! He'll try to steal my favorite tortie! Bear doesn't share. Nope. NOT going to happen!

{Pause as Momma looks around the room}
MK: What the disgusting monkey muffin? 
{Pause}
MK: Bear! Why is your kibble all over the floor? 
BC: I didn’t do it!
MK: Bear, you’re the only living thing here that uses a food bowl and eats kibble. 
BC: I was framed!
MK: By who? And don’t say Gary and Larry! 

BC: Ummm ...
MK: Bear?
BC: You said not to say Gary and Larry! And now you get mad at me for NOT saying Gary and Larry.
MK: {sigh} Okay.
BC: It was Mary and Carrie.
MK: Aliens? 
BC: So you’ve met them?
MK: Bear … 
BC: No, no. I don’t know if they really exist. Gary and Larry might’ve been lying.
MK: The non-existent aliens lie? 
BC: Non-existent aliens lie just like existent aliens!
MK: WHAT? 
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: You spread the kibble all over the room!
MK: Why would I do that? 
BC: To get me in trouble!
MK: You seem perfectly capable of getting in trouble on your own. You don't need my help ... or Gary, Larry, Carrie and Mary.
BC: Well, yeah, but …
MK: And why would I make a mess that I’ll have to clean up? 
BC: That’s EXACTLY what I was wondering!
MK: I’m sure you were. 
BC: You humans … never make any sense!
MK: The crazies after pooping? The grass always being greener on the other side of a closed door? 
BC: Like humans are so perfect!
MK: You don’t see me spreading MY food all over the floor. 
BC: You SHOULD. Especially tuna and tasty whole chickens.
MK: I’ve never eaten a tasty whole chicken. That sounds awfully feathery! 

BC: It sounds TASTY! You should spread your food all over the place.
MK: Then I'd have to kill all the ants.
BC: You eat ants?
MK: No. They come out when food is left out.
BC: What ants?
MK: Exactly.
BC: Huh?
MK: Remember last summer when the ant invaded your food bowl?
BC: No.
MK: Exactly. I had to kill them.
BC: Is that a threat?
MK: NO! Why would ...
BC: On second thought, the teddy bear made this mess. I think he should be grounded. No! Kicked out! We don't need mess-making bears around here!
MK: Says the cat that ...
BC: The bear's getting away! He's getting away!!!
MK: BEAR! Bring him back here!
BC: I'm trying to catch him, Momma!
MK: He's in your mouth you pain in my behind!
BC: Don't worry Momma! I've got the miscreant!
{Pause}
BC: OOF!
MK: Give me the bear.
BC: Hi, Momma.
MK: You really should watch where you're going so you don't run into me.
BC: You try to carry this bear around in your mouth AND see what's in front of you.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: RATS! I was framed! At the last minute of my chase, he turned around and blocked my view! Don't worry, Momma! I'll teach this nefarious degenerate a lesson he can't forget! He was trying to get away! I swear!
MK: Do I really look that stupid?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: BEAR!
BC: I mean, you kind of DO look that stupid. 
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Hey! If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question!

Featured posts of the day:

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Sunday Selfie #37

I know I'm handsome. So joining The Cat on My Head's Sunday Selfies blog hop is a no brainer! This week, I'm sharing pictures of me doing my cat things ... that flashy box manages to find me EVERYWHERE. The pictures are a little random and unrelated by anything other than containing ME!! After viewing my pictures, you're MORE than welcome to express your appreciation of this fine feline specimen with tasty whole chickens ... my Momma will give you the address (just tell her you're sending me socks!). ~Bear Cat

ps - You can see my previous Sunday Selfie posts here: #1#2#3#4#4.5#5#6#7#8#9#10#11#12#13#14#15#16#17#18#19#20#21#22 {Bear Kitten/Kitty - the couch}#23 {Bear Kitten hijinks}#24 {Bear Kitten/Kitty - other}#25 {Bear Kitten sleeping/Momma}#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33#34#35, #36.

Yes, the blinds are my paw-work. Actually ... it'd be more accurate to say, "teeth-work." NOTHING gets in between me and my sun!


My spot on the table.

Surveying my domain from the top of my cat tree. Can you tell I'm not amused?

"Sharing" my desk chair.

A cat can't even SLEEP in peace!