Tuesday, May 30, 2017

No Boys Allowed!

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

{Momma sees the front door and stops on the front porch}
MK: He's at it again!
The Boy: What?
MK: See the post-it on the front door?

The Boy: "No boys allowed!"
MK: I bet the house is peppered with tons of post-its just like that one.
The Boy: He's done this before?
MK: One time, he labeled everything that was his and everything that wasn't his with post-its. Another time, he put post-its on everything he was thankful for. He also created an election to overthrow my tyranny and used post-its as ballots.


The Boy: A cat with a thing for post-its?
MK: He's not allowed to use them. I keep them hidden ...
The Boy: Uh oh. 
MK: ... but apparently, when Momma's away, Bear won't obey.
The Boy: Hahahahaha. He doesn't obey even when you ARE at home! How many times have you told him to get off the counter and he's just stared you down or attacked you when you tried to get him off the counter?

MK: True.
The Boy: So, what? You think this is his newest way of trying to get rid of me?
MK: Yeah. Probably.
The Boy: I'm surprised he didn't write, "NO 'Not the Mommas' ALLOWED!"
MK: {sigh}. Ready?
{Momma opens the front door and The Boy walks in}
BC: DIDN'T YOU SEE THE SIGN?!?! NO BOYS ARE ALLOWED!!! One more step and I'll give you a surprise you can't forget!
The Boy: That describes just about every surprise you've ever given me!
{Silence as Bear stares at The Boy}
The Boy: Bear, I know you don't like sharing your Momma with me ...
BC: THE SIGN!!! The SIGN! The SIGN says, "No boys allowed!" It has NOTHING to do with me! If there's a sign - you should obey it. You wouldn't want to end up in jail or something!
The Boy: You didn't make these signs?
BC: It was a run by signing! Believe me ... I wanted to make these signs, but someone beat me to it! It must be the police or something. Better not end up in trouble.
The Boy: What about that sign that hangs over your food bowl?

BC: So?
The Boy: That sign says, "Do not feed the Bear." But I feed you. Will that put me in jail?
BC: Erm ... that's ... umm ... an OPTIONAL sign.
The Boy: Why?
BC: Because ... because ... because I SAID SO!!!
The Boy: So then say the, "No boys allowed," signs are optional - if you have that power over signs you didn't place.
BC: Ick speak-ah no-ah engleesh!
MK: {from the other room} BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Bear, there are a ton of post-its that say "No boys allowed" all over the floor.

BC: Well, I don't know about ALL over the floor ... I mean, there are just a few that I haven't put up yet!
The Boy: I thought you said you had nothing to do with the signs!
BC: OOOOOH! You meant THESE signs. Yeah. I wrote them.

MK: I told you to stay out of the post-its!
The Boy: Uh oh.
MK: Uh oh? Uh oh, WHAT?
BC: He gave them to me!
MK: Did you give him the PERMANENT marker too?
The Boy: I didn't ...
MK: You're lucky there's not permanent marker all over the floor and walls ... and all over your stuff!
BC: Err ... ACTUALLY ...
The Boy: WHAT?!?!?
BC: I ran out of post-its!
MK: So help me ... if I find ...
{Pause}
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: Uh oh. She used my full name. She found the mirror.

MK: WHAT?!?! NO! I found the table!

BC: Oh, yeah. Well, it turns out I have a post-it for the table so I didn't really need to write on there in the first place.
MK: It's in PERMANENT marker, Bear!
BC: So?
MK: Permanent means it won't come off!
BC: Nah uh!
MK: Uh huh! What ELSE would it mean?
BC: That it's PERMANENTLY a marker!
MK: Since when have you seen a marker turn into something else?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: {sigh}.
{Pause}
MK: There's one thing I don't get ...
BC: Only one?
The Boy: {giggles}.
MK: {to The Boy} You're not helping!
BC: Phht. He's a boy! He's not made to help!
The Boy: HEY!
BC: I was saving the most important one for last. Sit down, Momma.
MK: What the ...
BC: SIT DOWN!
{SMACK!!! ... as Bear plops the post-it on Momma's lap}

BC: There. MY lap! Let's test it, just in case ...
{Pause}
BC: You may pet me now.
{Pause}
BC: PUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR ... NIIIIIIIIIIIIICE. No stupid boy is going to sit on MY spot on your lap.

MK: Did you really have to put post-its on everything you don't want to share?
BC: Do you have a more desirable way to mark my territory?
MK: Well, when you put it THAT way ...
{Pause}
MK: But, Bear? YOU are a boy! So when you say, "No boys allowed," that should apply to you too!
BC: Well, that would be unfortunate ... because there's a post-it on my litter box.

The Boy: Why would you need a sign like that for your litter box? I don't use it!
BC: I'm not sure if you're litter boxed trained yet ... I just want to be sure!  
The Boy: Not litter box trained?!?! What the ... I don't use a litter box!
BC: Isn't that the definition of 'NOT litter box trained?'
The Boy: I ... you ... ARG! Never mind!
BC: I'm glad you're home!
The Boy: Awwwww. You DO like me!
BC: Phht. No. I just have a post-it to put on you ... now you're home so you're available.
{Bear SMACKS the post-it on The Boy's forehead}

MK: Hahahahaha.
The Boy: Don't encourage him.
BC: ENCOURAGE ME!!! ENCOURAGE ME!!! Give me more post-its!
MK: NO!
BC: RATS!
MK: Bear, I can understand you putting notes on stuff that's yours ... like your food and water bowls ... your cat tree ... your toys ... your food ...



{Pause}
MK: But the bed? 

BC: That's where we cuddle, Momma! Where am I supposed to sleep if not with you? I don't share!
The Boy: You've slept on me a couple times.
BC: Phht. Yeah. That was enough.
{Pause}
MK: My desk chair? The Boy's desk chair and desk?

BC: Phht. We already know your desk chair belongs to me. And The Boy's table USED to be mine before he stole it!

{Pause}
MK: The love seat?

BC: That's my favorite place to scratch! Speaking of ...
{Bear claws the love seat}

MK: BEAR!
BC: Do you mind? I'm BUSY!!!!

MK: Why don't you scratch on your scratching posts?
BC: Because seeing your reaction is so much more fun!

The Boy: BEAR! Stop that!
BC: You want a piece of this?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Huh? I can out-pee, out-barf, AND out-fart The Boy! Want a rematch?
MK: REMATCH?!?! That's IT! I'm leaving!
BC: What's HER problem?
The Boy: She might be mostly a tomboy, but she draws the line at peeing, barfing, and farting contests.
BC: PHEW! Could you imagine if she was here a week and a half ago?
The Boy: Hahahahaha. She might have completely disowned us both!
BC: It's not too late ...
The Boy: Hahahahaha. 
MK: I HEARD THAT!
BC: {pounding on the closed bedroom door that Momma's on the other side of} LET ME IN! LET ME IN! I'm out here with ... with ... HIM!
MK: No boys allowed!
BC: Hey! You stole that from me! You can't use my own words against me! It's against the law ... or ... or ... something! And there's no sign indicating no boys are allowed!
{Momma rips one of the post-its off the bed ... quickly opens the door ... slaps the post-it on the outside of the bedroom door ... and slams the door shut again}

BC: {to himself} She's getting REALLY good at that!
MK: THERE!
BC: How rude! I'm being discriminated against! And I bet you have tasty whole chickens in there! You do, don't you? LET ME IN!
{Pause as The Boy walks down the hallway to where Bear is standing outside the closed bedroom door}
BC: I'm bored. OH! I have an idea ... I'M THE SHARK!!!
{Bear bites at The Boy's ankles}
The Boy: OOOOWWWWW! Honey?! KAT! HONEY!!! LET ME IN! HEEEEELLLP!
MK: No boys allowed!
{The Boy runs back down the hall with Bear biting at his ankles}
BC: Hehehehe. This is fun! Who needs tasty whole chickens? I'm the shark!

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Friday, May 26, 2017

A Momma's Boy {mostly}

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

{The front door opens}

BC: You're home! You're home! Pet me! PET ME! Pet me now! Ooooooooh, I LOOOOOOOOVE you!
The Boy: {thinking Bear's talking to him} Hahahahaha. He missed me while I was gone to pick you up from the airport! See? All it takes is a few days of me feeding him, a few french fries ...
BC: My Momma's home! My Momma's home! I love you, Momma! I LOVE YOU, MOMMA! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy! Momma's home! I'm so glad you're back from the BlogPaws Conference! You were almost gone forever! Pick me up! PEEEEEET ME!
{Momma sits on the floor and cuddles Bear}

{Pause as The Boy reaches down to pet Bear as Bear's snuggling with Momma}
BC: {giving The Boy a dirty look} WHAT DO YOU WANT? Do you mind? Momma and I are busy here! 

The Boy: What? I fed you! I gave you treats! And french fries! And HALF the can of wet food! 
MK: You gave him french fries?!
BC: YES! And bacon. And chicken. And HALF a can for my wet food treat - instead of your miserly one-fourth.
The Boy: {looking at two very ticked off looking faces} WHAT?!?!
BC: Why are you still here? Momma's home! You're dismissed. And keep an eye out for my evaluation of your performance.
The Boy: But I'm the one that fed you and scooped your litter box for the past four days!

BC: Phht. Momma's are better than treats and french fries COMBINED!
{Momma snickers}
BC: RATS! I HATE YOU!
MK: That didn't last long.
BC: My love can't be bought!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... CHEAPLY!
The Boy: Me and my boy! Hanging ...
BC: Who are you?  You're no longer needed around here!
The Boy: I fed you! I didn't brush your teeth or torture you like your Momma does!
BC: Phht. The food didn't taste the same when YOU gave it to me. I bet you fed me your cereal and took my kibble for yourself. Admit it! You stole my kibble for yourself because Momma left you several prepared meals.  My kibble's GOT to be better than Momma's cooking ... and my kibble isn't even REAL food!
MK: HEY!
The Boy: But we're buddies!
BC: Phht. Isn't it obvious that we're NOT since I hissed at you every time you tried to touch me?
The Boy: I don't know about EVERY time. Wait a ...
BC: Have you noticed that I don't EVER hiss at my Momma?
MK: That's true. Only when I'm trying to get you back inside ... or one time when I was clipping your claws. 
BC: He was TOUCHING me!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear. Can you forgive me for leaving you here with The Boy?
The Boy: What about me?!?! I had to put up with a hissing pain in the butt full of furry fury! You should be more concerned about whether I'LL forgive you for leaving me with him! 
MK: {ignoring The Boy} Bear! You're the one that ran away before I left when I tried to say good-bye to you! You hid in your cat tree corner where I can't reach you!

BC: And then you ALMOST left without saying good-bye! I can't believe you'd leave without saying good-bye to me!
MK: Awww. You were hoping I wouldn't leave if I couldn't say good-bye.
BC: OBVIOUSLY. If you don't say good-bye, you can't leave me!
The Boy: HEY! This is ridiculous! What about m ...
BC: {ignoring The Boy} So where's my award? OBVIOUSLY we won for Best Cat Blog at the Nose-to-Nose Awards!
The Boy: I should leave you two alone.
BC: FINALLY! I thought you'd need a neon sign for you to reach that conclusion! BYE!!!

The Boy: But ...
BC: Anyway ... before we were rudely interrupted ... you were going to present me with our award!
MK: Err ...
BC: Did you break it?
MK: Err ...
BC: Did you sit on it and break it like you sat on the ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Hey. I TOLD you not to eat so many doughnuts. You're lucky you haven't cat caked me! Well, except for that one ...
MK: We didn't win.
BC: Of course I did.
MK: Ummm ... nope.
BC: Well, you lost of course ... because you're not a cat ... much less a best cat.
MK: Another blog won ...
BC: So wait a ... you left me for FOUR DAYS with the moron and you LOST this for us? YOU'RE FIRED!!!

MK: I'm your Momma! You can't fire me! Besides ... I'm better than treats and french fries ... remember?
BC: I'm Bear Cat Kat! I can do whatever I want.
MK: Because I've never heard THAT before!
BC: I knew it! You don't listen to me! I'm Bear Cat Kat! I can do whatever I want.
MK: {sigh}. Maybe we should just be happy to be named a finalist?
BC: You're right!
{Pause}
BC: I'm never going to win partnered up with you! I bet The Boy could write better ... no. I can't even say that with a straight face. I'M SCREWED!

MK: And besides, what REALLY matters is that I had fun ...
BC: You had fun WITHOUT me? You had fun while I was stuck with The Boy? 
MK: Bear, ten years ago, I couldn't even imagine being where we are today. 
BC: Phht. You couldn't imagine being a loser? I can imagine that! Oh, wait! I don't HAVE to imagine that! You ARE a loser!
MK: I meant that I couldn't imagine living this life. I couldn't imagine feeling loved. I couldn't imagine being recognized for making people laugh - for passing on just a tiny measure of the happiness you bring me. I couldn't imagine LIVING instead of just surviving! All of that ... how much we love and need each other ... that is better than any award. That is our gift - but it's also our responsibility to pass it on - to help others smile and love and live more fully.
BC: Oh, BROTHER. THIS again! If you cry ... 
MK: Ten years ago, I was a ninety pound anorexic not sure I wanted to live in a world teeming with an abundance of human cruelty. I almost died more times than I can count ... I was miserable ... I was broken and defeated ... I was without hope. And then a tiny homeless kitten came into my life and changed everything.

BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, not EVERYTHING ... I mean, you are still broken ... and incompetent ... and a loser.
MK: And then, two and a half years ago, TWO HOURS after I published our very first blog post, I felt the lump on your back. I couldn't imagine continuing to blog.
BC: Phht. That was nothing.
MK: Yes, but I didn't know that for a little over a week ... after a long surgery to remove it and the vet reconsidering his initial opinion that it wasn't a vaccination site sarcoma. I was sure I was going to lose everything that mattered to me. I couldn't imagine living without you. I couldn't imagine how I could blog when everything that brought me joy and love was gone. We walked out of the vet's office and you had an eight inch incision down your back.
BC: Don't forget that they stole my beautiful furs! Or that you manhandled me for MONTHS after that! Even after the vet told you more tumors wouldn't grow ... you were always TOUCHING me! You woke me up to feel me up!

MK: I thought your tumor was karma for me standing up to share all that's good about my life with others. I thought that by blogging - and almost bragging about you - that I was being smacked down for standing up and not hiding. My entire life, I've hidden and been scared to stand up to avoid making myself a target.
BC: SMACK DOWN? I smack you down ALL THE TIME!
MK: And then last year when I was ready to quit blogging because we were virtually ignored ... I nominated us for the BlogPaws' Nose-to-Nose Awards - sure that I would never get recognition. I told myself I'd have justification for quitting if I wasn't a finalist - though a tiny percent of me hoped I was wrong.
BC: Don't remind me! You e-mailed the person who e-mailed you about being named a finalist - making sure it wasn't a mistake that we were named a finalist! And you tried to tell them that you're an extreme introvert and couldn't manage going to the conference ... even though most pet bloggers ARE introverts!
MK: But I didn't e-mail them this year when we ended up as a finalist in the Best Cat Blog category.
BC: Let me see ... how many things did you do to embarrass me THIS year? You're still socially awkward so people assume you don't actually want to be there. You're not exactly entertaining or fun - so they'd choose anyone else to spend time with! I should've written an apology for you to hand out with our business card!

MK: I don't always know what to say! I love spending time with other pet bloggers at the Conference - and they mean so much to me - but I feel like I'm constantly letting everyone down! I'm sure they'd rather talk to ANYONE ELSE BUT me!
BC: You can talk. That's for sure. I usually tune you out after a few lines of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... Sheesh. When you talk, you take the scenic route ... only it's NOT scenic!
MK: And people kept telling me how funny we are ... how well I bring out your personality. It confuses me because it doesn't make sense.
BC: Like THAT never happens!
MK: The compliments mean so much to me - push me to believe that I do have something to offer the world. The first hundred compliments ... I think people are just being nice. The next hundred ... I'm just royally confused. The hundred after that ... I can't help but think that maybe people really do like us.
BC: ME! They like me! You're just ... just ... THERE.
MK: Then, after the first few hundreds of compliments, I'm sure that with that quantity of positive feedback, people are just confusing us with another blog ... a GOOD blog.
BC: We're NEVER going to win. And I'm stuck with you! I DEFINITELY should've made all potential Mommas fill out my adoption application! I was hungry and went with what was available ... and our blog SUCKS! Well, YOUR part of the blog sucks. I'm always FANTASTIC!
MK: There were a lot of cool cats at the Conference!
BC: You went cat fan girl again didn't you?

MK: Errr ...
BC: Those poor people. You stalked anyone there who brought their cats. You asked a bajillion questions about other bloggers' cats, right?
MK: HEY! These are the blogs I read several times a week! I fall in love with the cats and often have lots of questions about what they're like in real life. I can't learn enough!
BC: Phht. They're CATS! Cats are ALWAYS awesome! What else do you need to know? How embarrassing! My Momma ... cat groupie. My Momma ... cat fan girl. My Momma ... cat obsessed.  You fall in love with so many cats and then you pester people with hundreds of questions about their kitties.
MK: It's kind of weird. I never cared much for actors of musicians outside of their performances ... never was obsessed or impressed with a celebrity ... but I become a cat blogger and I make up for lost time!
BC: The best thing I can say is that you're a work in progress.
MK: What never changes is that I love you. You saved my life - make me laugh - taught me to live - and showed me that it's okay to hide sometimes. It means so much to me that people love you too - for reading what I share. OH! Guess what? I did win something! Look at this cool t-shirt I won!

{Stunned silence}
MK: Isn't it ...
BC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!! I lose and you win? That's not fair! {Narrowing his eyes} Did you steal that from the real winner? Because there's no way you WON a HWK. HWK ... "World's Best Cat (HCCCKK) Mom" HWACK! T-shirt! No one ever asked MY opinion! 
MK: Bear! You almost threw up that hairball on my new shirt!
BC: You're lucky my aim was off. I was aiming for the shirt. Let me guess ... you were the only one who entered? You had to get this by mistake. Because, well, you just left me with The Boy for four days ... and that's just for starters!  Best cat mom my stinky butt!
The Boy: So you admit your butt is ...
MK: I won it in a drawing!
BC: Not likely. You can't draw! So you did steal it!
MK: NO! A raffle type of drawing where they pick names to determine who wins!
BC: This shirt needs some work!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH! 
{Bear pulls the shirt down off the table from which it hangs for Momma to photograph ... meanwhile tipping the table enough that the contents of the table and the cans of food holding the t-shirt up fall off the table}
BC: You booby trapped it!! It's time to get to work and fix this shirt. Truth in advertising and everything! 
{Bear huddles over the shirt in concentration}

BC: Uh huh. Hmmm. A little over here ... a little ...

BC: Tada!

MK: "World's WORST Cat Mom." BEAR!
BC: You don't like it?
MK: I can't be the WORST cat mom!
BC: Hmmm ... if The Boy were a girl ... I'd agree ... he/she'd be the worst cat mom. Okay. Give me another minute.
{Bear leans over the shirt again ...}
BC: {Bear sings as he works ...} She's ONCE ... TWICE ... THREE TIMES a tortie. And I LOOOOOOVE ...

BC: TADA!
MK: "World's Best Cat Dom?"

BC: You live in my domain - AKA, cat-dom. I have the best cat-dom! 
{Pause}
BC: No wait ... THE BOY is here ... give me another moment ...
{A few minutes pass}
BC: TADA!

MK: '"World's Best Cat" Mom'?

BC: The implication is that you're the MOM of the World's Best Cat!
MK: Oh, for the LOVE ...
The Boy: HEY! At least he lets YOU touch him!
BC: That's right, dumbnuts! I'm a Momma's boy ... and don't you forget it!
MK: AWWWWWWW.
BC: RATS!
The Boy: With all the love-y stuff between you two, I'm starting to think neither of you would notice if I disappeared!
BC: Don't be ridiculous! I'd notice because, if you disappeared, I'd have Momma all to myself! Game. Set. Match. BOO-YAH.
The Boy: What am I? Chopped liver?
BC: I WISH!!!!
{Pause}
BC: But I'd prefer you be chopped tasty whole chicken. Just saying.

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