Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Not the {REAL} Momma

BC: Bear Cat

{Momma's away at the conference, The Boy walks in the front door with his dinner.}

BC: Oh. It's you.
The Boy: Bear, your Momma's at the BlogPaws conference for the next couple days.
BC: As if I couldn't tell! You're definitely NOT the Momma!
The Boy: STOP SAYING THAT!
BC: Phht. It matters you know!
The Boy: I feed you, scoop your litter box ...
BC: IT'S NOT THE SAME!
The Boy: You bite her when she's around!

BC: That's my way of showing her I love her!
The Boy: {walking across the room} I don't know ...
{Pause}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Not AGAIN!
BC: Hehehehehehehehe.
The Boy: You left these toys there on purpose JUST so I'd trip over them!

BC: My toys are "free-range" toys, I hardly have control over all of them!
The Boy: Do you have control over any of them?
BC: Is that a trick question?

The Boy: I'm always moving your toys out of the way. Why can't you just keep them in a small area of the floor when you're not playing with them?

BC: Phht. My Momma gave up on that YEARS ago. With your intelligence, I have little hope that you'll reach that point any time soon. 
The Boy: I don't want to kill myself by tripping over cat toys!
BC: Then watch where you're going! Phht. If you're driving down the street and something is in the middle of the street, you don't plow it down just because it doesn't belong there! No. You watch where you're going, so you drive AROUND it! Capiche?

The Boy: I shouldn't have to be constantly on guard walking around my own home.
BC: I shouldn't have to be left alone with you ... but it happens. And this is NOT your home. It's MY home. Hmm. Can I kick you out?
The Boy: Your Momma wouldn't be happy.
BC: Phht. I'm always in trouble ... not like anything would change except that I wouldn't have to deal with you!
The Boy: Until your Momma comes home, keep your toys in this area, okay?
BC: But when they're in a huge pile, I forget about the toys I can't see! 
The Boy: Then you have too many toys!
BC: You're not the boss of me! Not even my Momma gets to boss me around ... and you're NOT the Momma!
The Boy: Come here! I bet I give ear rubs just as well as she does! Or belly rubs! Come here, Bear buddy!
BC: NO! NO! Don't touch me! BEAR ABUSE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLPP! The Boy is trying to kill me! THE BOY IS TRYING TO KILL ME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

The Boy: What the ...
BC: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLPP!
The Boy: I see your Momma doing this to you all the time!
BC: EXACTLY!
The Boy: Exactly what?
BC: My Momma can do that ... but you're NOT the Momma! 
The Boy: I'm the proxy for your Momma while she's away.
BC: You're STILL not the Momma!

The Boy: Stop saying that!
BC: You're NOT the Momma! No touching! And just so you know, if my Momma can't get me to do something ... you might as well forget it.
The Boy: Come ....
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS!
The Boy: But ...
BC: MROOWWWW!
The Boy: OWWW! I'm going to tell your Momma you did that.
BC: You can't say I didn't warn you!

The Boy: You hiss every time I try to touch you! You never hiss at your Momma.
BC: Because SHE'S THE MOMMA! You're just the thing she dragged in!
The Boy: Can I touch ...
BC: MROW! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSS.
The Boy: OWW!
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait a ... if you bite your Momma to show her you love her ... you bite me ... YOU LOVE ME!
BC: No. I bite you because I don't like you.
The Boy: I just want to be your friend!
BC: I just want tasty whole chickens and a hot tortie girlfriend. Hmmmm ... can you procure either of those for me?
The Boy: Err ... want a french fry?
BC: No ... {sniff} {sniff} ... hmm. Drop it.
The Boy: Eat it out of my hand!

BC: Phht. I don't eat of my Momma's hand and you're NOT THE MOMMA!
The Boy: Oh, just humor ...
BC: Then you just humor my free-range toys.
The Boy: {sigh} Fine.
{The Boy drops the fry}.
BC: Nom ... nomnomnomnomnomnom. Hmmm. Not bad. Can I have another one?

The Boy: Is this just between us?
BC: What kind of cat do you think I am? There's NOTHING between us! My heart belongs to torties.
The Boy: No, I meant not telling ...
BC: What are your intentions with my Momma?

The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Are you going to do a doughnut intervention? The summer's coming and no one wants to see Miss Doughnut in a bathing suit!
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Are you going to put a ring on it?
The Boy: I don't ...
BC: Well, if you decide to keep her, I need a ring that's really shiny. My stashes are short on shiny things.

The Boy: That reminds me ... have you seen my ...
BC: I'm not calling you 'daddy' until you put a ring on it. And in the meantime, I'm looking up 'tasty whole chicken farm' in the phone book, so I can find a dude that owns a tasty whole chicken farm. Why buy the chicken when the tasty is free ... umm ... err ... I swear, that sounded MUCH better in my head.
The Boy: But, have you seen my ...
BC: Are you and Momma going to have kittens of your own?
The Boy: {The Boy spits out the water he just drank} WHAT?!?!
BC: Kittens!
The Boy: You mean babies?
BC: Kittens are cat babies!
The Boy: I know! So why would we have kittens?
BC: Where did I come from?

The Boy: What do you mean, "where did I come from?" This might be a conversation for you and your Momma to have.
BC: Do I have to explain everything to you?
The Boy: I guess.
BC: I'm Momma's kitten!
The Boy: She's not your real Momma!
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Yes, she is!
The Boy: You know she's not! You always say that she's not your real Momma!
BC: Phht. I just say that to tick her off. Can't you see the resemblance?
The Boy: You've got to be kidding ... haven't you noticed that she's decidedly less furry than you? 
{Silence}
The Boy: Maybe that she doesn't have fangs or claws? She doesn't purr or meow ...
BC: HEY! Yeah, she can't purr, but she meows all the time!
The Boy: {sigh} Yes. She likes to think she's a cat.
BC: She IS a cat! Albeit an ugly and stupid one ... but you can't pick your family. It's not really her fault.

The Boy: I can't believe we're having this conversation.
BC: Still hung up on the weirdness of having full conversations with a cat?
The Boy: That too ... but I meant the conversation about your Momma being your real Momma.
BC: Why's that so weird?
The Boy: Because SHE'S NOT YOUR REAL MOMMA!
BC: WHAT?!?! I thought you were just bs'ing me! If she's not my real Momma, then who is? 
The Boy: I don't know ...
BC: I knew it! I'm an orphan!
The Boy: Now just wait a sec ....
BC: My WHOLE LIFE! A lie! Who am I? Where did I come from? Are there any tasty whole chickens there?
The Boy: Nothing's changed, Bear.
BC: {GASP} I could be the long lost heir to a tasty whole chicken farm! YES! I'm kitty royalty! 
The Boy: Now you're being ridic ...
BC: And Momma! She must've plucked me from the teats of my real Mom! I want to talk to my Momma!
The Boy: Bear, she's at the ...
BC: NOW! I'm going to confront her and tell her what's up for tricking me!
The Boy: She's busy!
BC: So! She's used to that! I bet she misses someone always disturbing her at whatever she's doing! Besides, she'll only get mad at you for calling.
The Boy: Lovely. HEY!
BC: Call ... or I'm going to keep sitting on your food.
The Boy: I know where your butt's been!
BC: Phht. I couldn't tell - seeing as you haven't scooped my litter box for days.

The Boy: It's only been one day ... err ... and a half.
BC: My Momma scoops it at least five times a day!
The Boy: I feed you.
BC: The kibble tastes different. It's like you boy-ties it!
The Boy: Boy-ties? 
BC: Cooties from boys!
The Boy: This from the cat whose butt is on my food. And I don't have cooties!
BC: HEY! You're the one that always complains that things aren't seasoned enough around here.
The Boy: I don't think the taste of cat butt is what's missing.
BC: What kind of weirdo tastes a cat butt?
The Boy: No! I meant ...
BC: I want to talk to my lawyer!
The Boy: You don't ...
BC: I want to talk to management!
The Boy: I'm ...
BC: YOU'RE NOT THE MOMMA!
The Boy: That's it! FINE! I'll call your Momma!
BC: GOOD!

{The Boy dials the phone}
The Boy: {into the phone} Bear wants to talk to you!
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: {into the phone} WHAT? I didn't do anything to him! I have no idea! He keeps hissing at me and telling me I'm not the Momma!
BC: {meowing loud enough for Momma to hear} He's touching me!
The Boy: {handing the phone to Bear} Here.
BC: He gave me french fries!

{A loud screech comes through the phone}
The Boy: BEAR! Why did you do that?
BC: Because you're NOT THE MOMMA! HERE! She wants to talk to you! It's time for my nap.

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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

A win-win

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

{A knob turns somewhere in the house ... and a door opens}

BC: HUH?!?! The coat closet! SCRAM! BUST A MOVE! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!
MK: Bear ...
BC: {from under the bed} I'm NOT coming out! NOPE! NOT. COMING. OUT. EVER. 

{Pause}
BC: I am NOT going to the vet ... not today ... not tomorrow ... not next week ... NEVER! NEVER NEVER N ...
{A zipper zips}
BC: {coming out from under the bed} Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: That's not my carrier ... THAT'S A SUITCASE! Where are we going?

MK: The BlogPaws Conference.
BC: Do I get to walk the red carpet? Pose for glamour shots? Ride in a limo? Do I get to eat ... err ... I mean, fraternize with tasty whole chickens? {GASP} WILL THERE BE TORTIES THERE?!?!? Hubba hubba! Torties! Ooooh! And a TIARA! I'll wear a tiara! You know what they say about torties ...
MK: What?
BC: Torties LOVE tiaras!
MK: Ummm ... Bear? You're not going.
BC: Ooooh! And all the bowls FULL of cat treats that you told me about last year! It'll be ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... I'm not going? WHAT?!?! This is MY blog! If we're going to win an award, I should BE THERE to accept it! Maybe do my "I'm too sexy" prance ... err ... I mean, DANCE!
MK: Bear, you howl the entire car ride to the vet. Can you imagine the melee if I took you on an airplane? And you'd have to stay in your carrier. And even so, with your tantrum, you'd end up on a terrorist watch list and the permanent no fly list!
BC: Wait wait wait. Carrier? Airplane? Oh, nononononono.
MK: Bear, how else would we get to Myrtle Beach?
BC: Our chicken cannon?
MK: {sigh} For the last time, we don't have a chicken cannon!
BC: FINE! Keep all the fun stuff from me!
MK: Bear, if you came along, you wouldn't have your cat tree or your favorite toys with you ... it would all be work.
BC: Work? WORK?!?!?! Itch! I'm itching! I'm allergic to work! Maybe it's better to let you make a fool out of yourself!
MK: You'll be just fine here ... with all your stuff and everything that smells like you.
BC: But ... but ... who will feed me? Who will pet me? 
{Pause}
BC: AND WHO WILL I BITE?!?! 
MK: I'll only be gone for a little over three days, Bear.
BC: But ... but ... I need to bite! If I don't bite ...
{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} One suitcase ... "I'll" ... 

{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} The Boy is not going?!?!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} OOOOOOOOHHH HELL NO! NONONONONONONONO!!! And just in case you missed that ... NO! YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE WITH  ... with ... {whispering} THE BOY!!!
MK: The Boy will be here with you, yes.
BC: This is an OUTRAGE! You go off to have fun and you make me moron sit!
MK: What?
BC: Babysitting for MORONS! 
MK: You'll be fine.
BC: NO! I won't! He doesn't pet me if I wake him up! He doesn't scoop my litter box enough! He doesn't "AWWWW" all over me! And he gets mad when I bite him instead of just sighing in resignation like you do! 
MK: Maybe. But he doesn't brush your teeth or wash your chin. He often gives you part of his dinner ... and if I'm not here to limit his "presents" you might be one lucky kitty.
BC: Hmmm. Do you have to come back?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Kidding. Only kidding! Err ... MOSTLY.
{Pause}
BC: Will I get my wet food treat?
MK: I asked him to give it to you ... but that's between the two of you.
BC: RATS! I have to break him in!
MK: I warned him that any time I tried cutting out your wet food treat you'd get ... umm ...
BC: UNBEARABLE?
MK: Yes. Bear is "un -'bear' - able." Hahahahahaha.
BC: You laugh now.
MK: But it wasn't funny at the time. I know. Between you following me EVERYWHERE and making it impossible for me to do anything because you were climbing all over me, it certainly was not funny.
BC: Hehehehehe. You used to take pride in being the most stubborn living thing you know ... until I came around ... hehehehe. Bear Cat Kat: putting humans in their place since 2006.
MK: {sigh} You are one stubborn mother-meower! I gave up on trying to stop you from hanging out on the counters ... we have fights to the death over clipping your claws and brushing your teeth ... I gave up on stopping you from ripping up anything you could get your claws on ... and when I trained myself not to respond to your efforts to wake me up, you started sticking your tongue in my ear. Not to mention all the destruction of blinds, carpet, furniture, my computer ... getting into EVERYTHING ...



BC: What about biting! I'm FEROCIOUS aren't I?


MK: How could I forget?  SOMECAT dug his fangs into my arm ... you can make out the top two and bottom two fang marks on my arm ... plus where you moved slightly and I tried to get away - but you refused to remove your fangs from my arm.
BC: You grabbed me to brush my teeth!
MK: You're right. I should just let you lose them all.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: And I have the physical proof!
BC: Phht. At least all the cats and dogs at the Conference will know you're taken!
MK: I have to give you credit ... you're incredibly stubborn, even for a cat!
BC: Thank you. But what about The Boy? I have to start over with him! Decent help is so hard to find! And it took me TEN YEARS to train you! TEN YEARS! This was supposed to be my retirement ... my golden years ... I dreamed of relaxing on my tasty whole chicken farm in the sun ... their nest eggs ... a harem of torties ... nipped to the world ... but no! You have to bring someone else aboard to muck everything up! And he's a BOY! Boys are gross! Boys are dirty! Boys are trouble. And boys are stupid! I know because I AM one! Nine lives wouldn't be enough to train one boy.
MK: Three days.
BC: I CAN'T WORK UNDER THIS PRESSURE! I'M MOLTING!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... {sniff, sniff, SNIFF, SNIIIIIIFFF} ...
{Pause}
BC: Ooooh, Daddy! I smell ... I smell ... BACON! Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon! Can I have some?
The Boy: It's interesting that you only call me "daddy" when you want something from me. Otherwise, I'm "The Boy."
BC: Or moron. Hahahaha. Moron is my favorite thing to call you!
The Boy: No bacon for you!
BC: But I LOVE bacon.
The Boy: Fine. But only a small piece.
BC: You're wrapped around my NOT so little claw!
MK: Speaking of not so little claws ... I need to clip yours before I leave for the Conference. Otherwise, The Boy might not survive.
BC: WHAT?!?! Clip my claws? RATS!
MK: {to The Boy} You CAN tell him no sometimes.
BC: No, he can't!
MK: Yes! He can!
BC: NO! The Boy is pussy whipped!
The Boy: Aren't we all? Though I think "pussy bitten" or "pussy scratched" is more accurate.
BC: Phht. I like to call it "pussy dominated!" Now gimme the bacon!
{The Boy reaches toward Bear with a bite of his food}
BC: WAIT! That's not bacon! You're holding out on me!
The Boy: It's chicken! You like chicken!
BC: CHICKEN?!?! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

MK: What do you say, Bear?
BC: BITE ME!
MK: No. Bear ...
BC: Ummmm ... you're welcome!
MK: No. It starts with, "Thank ..."
BC: Thank the kitty gods for chicken!
MK: Not exactly.
BC: Thank ... thank ...
MK: You?
BC: Me what?
MK: NO! Say "THANK YOU" to The Boy because he gave you chicken.
BC: But it wasn't bacon!
MK: BEAR!
BC: {changing the subject} Oooooh! Who is that handsome kitty?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: What's this?
{Pause}
BC: {reading} "My name is Bear Cat Kat. I'm the diva of Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat." "My human's name is Kat. She LOVES me! I love tasty whole chickens!"
MK: That's what I'm taking to the Conference to represent you. Some people bring flat pets, I'm bringing some pictures of you and that little blurb.
BC: You have to redo this! I'm not the DIVA! I'm the ***STAR***! And you should tell them that I am MUCH more handsome in catson!
{Pause}
BC: Let's see the rest of it ... "My human's ..." No! It should be, "My IDIOT's name is ..."
MK: No. We're going with, "human!"
BC: Phht! You should change, "me" to "doughnuts!" And change "tasty whole chickens" to "biting!"
MK: Fine. I'll change the first one. But not the second.
BC: Everything has to be YOUR way! Everything is YOUYOUYOU! 
{Momma works}
MK: How's this?

BC: Phht. Like you really want MY opinion! 
MK: Huh. You're right. I don't.
BC: WHAT?!?! I'm the boss around here! You were SUPPOSED to acquiesce!
{Silence}
BC: You're ignoring me! HEY!!!! You'll pay for this! Just wait until you leave!
MK: Hahahahahaha.
The Boy: HEY! He's hard enough to manage when he's not a ball of furry fury!
BC: I hate you! And you too, Momma! Pussy-bitten coming up!
MK: Uh oh ...
The Boy: Why are you lacing up your shoes?
MK: I don't have to run faster than Bear ... I just have to run faster than you.
{Momma takes off}
The Boy: @#$%^! But my food is sitting out!
BC: BOO-YAH!! Now THIS is what I call a win-win! MUCH better than any award!

NOTE: Due to the BlogPaws conference, Momma is taking Friday off. We plan to be back next Tuesday.

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