Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Always something, part 3

This post is the third in a series sharing the drama, frustration, nonsense, and yes, comedy, we now face daily as a two feline home. You may find the prior posts here: Always something and Always something, part 2.

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat


{Momma and The Boy are napping ... on a Saturday afternoon}
EM: PSST!
{Silence}
BC: You have to do it louder!

EM: PSSSSSSSST!
{Silence} 
{Both cats giggle}
BC: We want treats!
{Silence}
EM: Let me try! Let me try! I'm extra cute ... and we know my cute is persuasive. I mean, Momma DID adopt me. She fell in love with me the first time she saw me!
BC: WHAT?!?! I'M cute!
EM: I heard Momma say you're cute ...
BC: OBVIOUSLY!
EM: ... but a huge pain in her behind.
BC: Are you sure that wasn't a pain in her huge behind?
EM: Nope. She definitely said HUGE PAIN.
BC: WHAT?!?!

EM: I was about to ask you the same thing. I thought you said biting the humans' butts is hazardous and should only be used as a last resort. Like when you're sitting in Momma's desk chair ...
BC: You mean MY desk chair?
EM: ... and her doughnut butt is about to sit on you.
BC: You must mean MY desk chair.
EM: No, I'm pretty sure I don't.
BC: I'll have you know that I. AM. CUTE. REALLY REALLY REALLY cute! 
EM: If you find a round cat cute ... I suppose.
BC: That's IT! Stop calling me fat!
EM: Aren't you the one who's always saying Momma's fat because of her doughnut butt?
BC: But that's the TRUTH!
EM: The vet said ...
BC: I'm not missing any meals! He didn't say FAT!
EM: Hmmm ... we're starving!
BC: A lot of good saying THAT will do! They KNOW we're starving! I mean our kibble bowl is empty! How could they miss the glaring EMPTY?!?
EM: Which kibble bowl is empty?

BC: What do you mean WHICH kibble bowl?!?
EM: We have TWO bowls! My kibble bowl is full. Maybe Momma put you on a diet.
BC: WHAT?!?! Just keep insulting me ...
EM: I thought you said if it was the truth ...
BC: {sigh}. STOP LISTENING TO ME!!! You're fired.
EM: Stop listening to you before or after you fire me? Because it sounded like I shouldn't listen to you when you fire me.
BC: No, I meant ... YOU ... STOP USING MY WORDS AGAINST ME! You're FIRED!
EM: You can't FIRE me!
BC: You're no longer my sidekick.
EM: I was never your SIDEKICK. I'm a lean mean black kitty queen! Phht. You're just PRINCESS Buttercup.
BC: That's MALE Princess Buttercup BLACK BEAR CAT OF THE FOREST to YOU!
EM: But you're not a black cat. Or a bear. Or a buttercup. And you don't live in a forest.
BC: OH, SHUT UP!
EM: What are they doing?

BC: I don't know.
EM: They're not dead are they?
BC: We wouldn't be that lucky.
EM: HEY! I like them! Without them, we wouldn't have food or scooped litter boxes or loves.
BC: Without them, there'd also be no grabby hands, no "singing" or "dancing," and we'd never get in trouble!
EM: I NEVER get in troub ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... mostly don't get in trouble. 
BC: No grabby hands, no "singing" or "dancing," and we'd never get in trouble!
EM: Well, when you put it THAT way ...
BC: PHHT. You know those humans ... LAZY! It's the MIDDLE of the afternoon! And when MY food bowl is empty!
EM: Actually, I think your bowl is ...
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?! I'm talking about our lazy humans!

MK: Says the cat who sleeps eighteen hours a day.
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {bouncing off a wall} AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! {bouncing off a wall} AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  {ending up under the bed}.
EM: You run from your own shadow!
BC: {from under the bed} I thought they were incapacitated! 
EM: Why are you still under the bed then, Dumbbutts? 
BC: HEY! Are you saying I have more than one butt?
EM: Why else would you act like an ass all the time?
BC: HEY!
EM: Not to mention your ... err ... HEFTY size. Butts is more accurate.
BC: I told you ... STOP calling me fat!!! Why don't you pester Momma about her doughnut butt?
EM: You're always complaining ... but you have it pretty good, you know! 
BC: I don't comp ... err ... much.
EM: When Momma feeds you kibble, you complain that it's not real food - but when she only feeds you wet food, you throw a temper tantrum until she gives your kibble back.
BC: I don't remember ... 
EM: You complain about having to share Momma - but you bite her an awful lot.
BC: Grabby hands! That woman has grabby hands! And a doughnut butt! You'd think the two would find each other! Besides, I bite her because I LOVE her!

EM: I don't mind the grabby hands.
BC: Great. You three should get a room.
EM: And you have A LOT of really cool toys! You have a billion micey, and sparkle balls, and kicksticks, and the catnip banana, and a ton of other catnip toys, and two track toys, and wand toys ... I spend most of my day trying to decide what to play with! One whack here ... a little over there ...
BC: I'll give you a whac ...
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: I'm telling you ... she has eyes in the BACK of her head! She sees everything!!!
EM: She didn't see you earlier when you ...
BC: NUTS! LOTS of nuts!
MK: It's okay. I already know ab ...
BC: WHAT??!?! You KNOW?!?! How do you know?!?! That's just freaky!
EM: She really does have eyes in the back of her head.
BC: Who asked you?
EM: Doesn't make much difference to me ... I'm a good girl!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!

*** LATER THAT DAY ***
EM: CHEESE! I love cheese. GIVE ME CHEESE! Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese!!!! Can I have some cheese?!?! Please?!?! PLEASE!?! I LOVE cheese!
MK: {putting cheese in front of Ellie} Here you go, Princess. 
BC: HEY! What am I?!?! Chopped liver? 

EM: OOOH! Did you say ... LIVER?!?! LIVER AND CHEESE?!?!? Where do I sign up!?!?!?
BC: Why don't I get cheese?!?!

MK: You don't like cheese!
BC: Yes, I do!
MK: Bear, I've been giving you bits of cheese for years and you always turn up your nose!
BC: I like it now!
MK: You see Ellie want it and so you do too?
BC: SO WHAT?!?! Fair is fair!

MK: {putting cheese in front of Bear} Here you go, Bear. {sigh} Next thing you know, you're going to want tea too.

BC: She got tee?!?! Would that make her ELLIE-ET? Like idiot?
MK: TEA! She jumped on The Boy's table and spilled some tea and then slurped it up. She'll eat anything!
BC: Phht. I have STANDARDS, you know!
EM: Says the cat who comes up behind me and licks my butt for no reason.
MK: She got you there. 
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!? You two are picking on me! I'm being picked on by a doughnut sniffer and a Nipper!
EM: Hehehehe. I AM kind of a Nipper ... especially when it comes to my catnip banana. Hey! Are you eating that cheese? Because if you're not ...

BC: WHAT?!?!? OF COURSE, I'm eating the cheese!
EM: The early cat gets the cheese. Hahahahaha.
BC: That was cheesy!
EM: {walking away} {groan} Time for some kibble.

BC: Don't you DARE touch the food in MY bowl!
EM: So you admit that there IS food in your bowl?!?
BC: Don't touch it!
MK: Bear, you can share!
BC: No, I can't!
{Bear looks at the cheese ... Ellie walking down the hallway ... the cheese ... Ellie ... the cheese ... Ellie ...}
BC: RATS!
{Bear chases Ellie down the hall ... as Ellie flies back up the hall to Bear's cheese}
EM: SCORE!!! Won one for the Nipper!

*** THE NEXT DAY ***
{Ellie's walking around the house}
EM: Bear! BEAR?!?! Where are you?!?!
{Silence}
EM: BEAR?!?! 
{Silence}
EM: Come out! I want to play!!!
{Silence}
EM: Momma! Where's Bear?!?! I can't find him anywhere!

BC: {thinking to himself} Don't you DARE Momma! Don't you dare!
MK: I have no idea!
BC: {thinking to himself} Finally! She learned her lesson!
EM: Where's he hiding?!? He's not under the bed ... or on the cat tree ... or ... or ... something happened to him!
MK: He always shows up ... eventually.
EM: But what if he was abducted by the chickens? You know, Gary and Larry? Or maybe it was the tasty whole aliens?
BC: You mean the aliens, Gary and Larry, or tasty whole chickens? Get my conspiracy theories straight!

{Ellie runs toward the voice in the bedroom}
EM: AHA! You're on the bed!
BC: RATS!

EM: MOMMA! MOMMA! He's on the bed!!!
MK: Maybe you should ...
EM: Bear! Let's play!!! Let's play!!!
BC: You go ahead! I'll be out there in a few minutes.
MK: Uh oh. At least they trick each other roughly equally.
EM: YAY! I'll wait for you in the family room!
{Ellie waits on the couch for ten minutes for Bear to come out}
EM: BEAR?!?! You said a few minutes!
{Ellie runs to the bedroom to find the bed empty}
EM: Where'd he go?!? He promised we'd play! BEAR? BEAR!?!?! I want to play!
{Silence}
MK: Ellie? {trying to distract her} Do you want some loves?
EM: Yeah!!!
{Momma picks Ellie up}
EM: I love you, Momma! You're the best Momma EVER!!! PUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRR. This is DEFINITELY better than playing with Bear!!!

BC: {from his hiding spot} I heard that!
EM: BEAR!
{Pause}
EM: A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN!!! Momma! Momma! You got me a tasty whole chicken!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: {from his hiding spot} WHAT?!?!?! I want a tasty whole chicken!!!
{Ellie runs toward the voice in the bedroom closet}
EM: AHA! You're in the closet!
BC: RATS!
EM: BEAR! Come out of the closet!  It's okay! We'll still love you!
{Momma tries to stifle a chuckle}
EM: Come on, Bear! Come out of the closet! No one's going to hurt you for coming out of the closet!
The Boy: It's about time he came out of the closet.
BC: Who asked you?
EM: Bear! Let's play! Let's play! 
BC: How about we play hide and seek and I hide first?
MK: Bear ...
EM: Okay! I'm going to go count in my room!
BC: {as he jumps in the window} Don't forget to close your eyes!
EM: One ... two ... three ... nine ... ten! Here I come!

BC: {thinking to himself from the window sill} Not ENTIRELY fair to skip some numbers ... 
EM: Bear! Where are you?!?! Hmmm. Not in the closet ... or under the bed ... or in the cat tree ... OOH! BANANA!!!! You are all mine, my precious! ARGGG!
{Ellie flops down on the banana}
BC: {to himself} She's lucky all I want is peace and quiet. If she finked out of a game of hide and seek while I was hiding, there'd be trouble to pay! Catnip banana ... small price to pay for nap time! 
{Pause}
BC: Whew! I FINALLY kept my mouth shut! That’s one small step in terms of a shut mouth for me, one giant leap for dealing with my annoying sister. One hiding spot remains secured. 

Featured posts:

Friday, August 11, 2017

Boys are gross

The Boy: The Boy
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

The Boy: Hi.
BC: {sigh}.
The Boy: Good morning.
BC: {sigh}.

The Boy: It's awfully early, isn't it?
{Silence}
The Boy: How's my Buddy Bear?
BC: Phht.
The Boy: Can I pet you?
BC: No.
The Boy: {reaching down} I bet if I ...
{CHOMP}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Son of a ...
BC: So you've met my little friends?

{Bear and The Boy stare at each other}
The Boy: Hey.
BC: Hey.
The Boy: {grunt}.
BC: How's the weather?
The Boy: I don't know, I haven't been outside yet.
BC: Oh. How about that nineteen million dollar premium?
The Boy: You should stick to your day job and let me do my job.
BC: My day job? You mean annoying you?
The Boy: I KNEW you do that on purpose! HONEY! He FINALLY admitted ...

BC: Calm down, grasshopper. It's too early in the morning to get excited by anything other than tuna.
The Boy: Not even a tasty whole chicken farm?
BC: Good point. Did you finally buy me one?
The Boy: So what's on your agenda today? Sleep ... eat ... destroy something ... sleep ... eat ... annoy me ... poop ...
BC: Don't be ridiculous. I spend WAY more time destroying things and annoying people.
The Boy: And yet your Momma still fawns all over you.
BC: Maybe you should take a lesson.
The Boy: Ow. That hurt.
BC: WHAT?!? I didn't even bite you again yet!
The Boy: NO! I meant your insul ...
BC: I didn't insult you. I was only speaking the truth. If I were insulting you, I'd talk about you being shark bait. Let's play a game!

The Boy: {looking around} You want to play a game ... with ME?!?
BC: Don't worry. I'll win.
The Boy: We'll see about that. I'm smarter than you.
BC: Phht. Okay. So we count off ... I start with, "I ONE the litter box." Now you two.
The Boy: I don't get the {seeing Bear staring at him with no amusement in his eyes} ... I TWO the litter box.
BC: I THREE the litter box.
The Boy: I FOUR the litter box.
BC: I FIVE the litter box.
The Boy: Where is this going?
BC: Just PLAY ALONG! Sheesh! Is that so hard? I mean you can't count to ten without your brain spontaneously combusting?
The Boy: {sigh} I SIX the litter box.
BC: I SEVEN the litter box.
The Boy: I EIGHT the litter box.
BC: Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You ATE the litter box? Ewwww.
The Boy: You know, you should be happy to have another male around here. 
BC: I don't care about mail, dumbnuts! Unless there's a letter announcing that I won a tasty whole chicken farm.

The Boy: No! I meant male, M-A-L-E.
BC: But you don't have balls. Males have to have balls.
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Where are your balls?
The Boy: You don't have balls!
BC: Yes, I do!
The Boy: No, you don't!
BC: If I show you my balls, you have to show me yours.
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: You first.
The Boy: First, I argue with a cat ... and then this ... SEE?!?!
BC: They're HAIRY! Those aren't ...
MK: {walking into the room with Ellie in her arms} There's your ... {Momma sees what's going on in the middle of the family room}.
The Boy: Uh oh.
MK: I don't want to know!
The Boy: It's not what it looks like!
MK: You're not showing Bear ...
The Boy: Okay. It is what it looks like. But wait ...
MK: I don't want to know.
BC: Hahahahahaha.
The Boy: You did that on purpose!
BC: Hahahahahaha.
EM: Boys are gross.

MK: You can say that again.

EM: Last night, Bear showed me his balls.
BC: I TOLD YOU!
The Boy: He doesn't have any balls!
EM: Yeah, he does! He let me play with them.
MK: WHAT?!?!? BEAR CAT KAT!

BC: Uh oh.
EM: I like playing with balls!
BC: It's not MY fault she's an expert ball-handler!
MK: That's it. It's too early in the morning for this nonsense.
The Boy: He said I don't have balls! If I showed him mine, he said he'd show me his! 
MK: And you think that explanation makes it any better?
The Boy: No. I suppose not.
MK: If Bear jumped off a bridge ...
BC: OOH! Are there TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS where I'm jumping? Like a bridge over a tasty whole chicken farm?

MK: {to The Boy} SEE! THIS is who you're competing against.
The Boy: No. I guess that's not to my credit.
BC: If you refuse to jump off the bridge ... more tasty whole chickens for me!!! You can stay on the bridge and lick your balls. Though those hairy things aren't MY kind of balls.
EM: Bear, you don't even PLAY with your type of balls!
MK: That's it. You all deserve each other.
{Momma shuts herself in the bathroom}
EM: WAIT! What are you doing in there?!?! Let me in! I have to wat ...

BC: Are there tasty whole chickens in there?!?! Let me in!
The Boy: HONEY! I have to use the bathroom before I start work!
EM: I have to watch!
BC: TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS!

The Boy: I have to go!!!!
EM: Hey! I want to watch!
BC: I want my chickens!
The Boy: HEY!!!!
MK: No. I'm in my happy place!
BC: In the bathroom?!
MK: Go away!
BC: Sheesh! What's HER problem?!?! 
EM: Momma!!!
The Boy: HONEY!
BC: CHICKENS!!!!
MK: I'm not home.

BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: What?!?! Why are you two looking at me?!?! MOMMA! The Boy and Ellie are looking at me funny!
The Boy: {trying not to laugh} She's not home, remember?
BC: Who asked you?!?! YOU started this!
The Boy: NO! YOU started it!
BC: You talked to me first! I TRIED to ignore you!
The Boy: You brought up balls!
EM: SHUT UP!
BC: You shut up!
EM: Hey! You're touching me!
BC: You're touching ME!
EM: You touched me!
BC: You touched me first!
EM: I did not!
BC: Yes, you did! You touched me last night before Momma put you in your room!
EM: You should be happy she does that! You need protection.
BC: From YOU?!?!
EM: ARRRRRRRRRRRG!!!

BC: HEY! Quit it!
{The cats start rolling around on the floor wrestling}

The Boy: Knock it off!
{The cats continue to wrestle}
The Boy: HEY!!! STOP IT!!!
{The cats keep on wrestling}
The Boy: IF I GIVE YOU BOTH TREATS, WILL YOU STOP FIGHTING?!?!
{The cats stop fighting ...}
{The cats run to the kitchen ...}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Did you say ...
EM: TREATS?!?!?!
The Boy: Are you two going to stop fighting?!?
BC: NO!
{Pause}
BC: Ummm ...
{Pause}
BC: YES!
EM: Okay!
The Boy: {dropping treats on the floor} Here you go.
BC: HEY! She got more treats than I did!
EM: Let me help you ...
BC: HEY! {Bear whaps Ellie with his paw} Those are my treats!
EM: You weren't eating them! You were talking!
BC: Stop watching me!
EM: Stop bossing me around!
BC: Leave me alone!
EM: Leave ME alone!
BC: You started it!
EM: NO! You started it!
BC: Un uh!
EM: Uh huh ...
The Boy: OH! Time for work! I've never been so eager to start work before! BYE!

{At the same time ...} 
EM: Mommmmmmmmmmmmm!!
BC: MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!!!
{Silence}
EM: Now what are we supposed to do?
BC: Take a nap?
EM: Works for me.
BC: Don't follow me.
EM: I wasn't going to.
BC: FINE!
EM: FINE!

Featured posts:

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Always something, part 2

This post is the second in a series sharing the drama, frustration, nonsense, and yes, comedy, we now face daily as a two feline home. You may find the first post here: Always something.

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat


{Momma's occupied in the bathroom}
MK: {looking up to see Ellie watching her intently} Can I help you?
EM: No.
MK: Why are you staring at me?
EM: Bear said you cover your business with water and I want to see for myself. He's not exactly the most reliable source with all his conspiracy theories.
MK: I knew I should close the door.
BC: {walking up} Well, we don't have doors affiliated with OUR litter boxes. Nope, we have no choice but to do it out in the open.
MK: Give me a break. If I put a cover on the litter box, you wouldn't use it.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
{Momma sighs as she notices she now has TWO members of the audience}
EM: Are you done yet?

MK: No.
EM: What's taking so long? This is kind of boring.
BC: Just wait, just wait!
EM: Does water go flying all over the place? Because I just finished grooming myself.
BC: Stand back.
MK: Bear, what would you know? Every time I flush the toilet, you take off. You never actually see what happens.
BC: I just assumed it'd be awfully messy. And the only time I like to get wet is when it's raining outside and my escape means you have to come out in the pouring rain to bring me back inside.
EM: Are you done yet? 
MK: No.
EM: What's taking so long?
MK: You're BOTH watching me!
EM: Maybe you should sing a song to entertain us.

BC: Are you crazy?!?! You've heard her sing! All kinds of creatures come out of the woodwork.
EM: Even tasty whole chickens?
BC: Huh. Sing us a song, Momma!
MK: Do you both mind? I'm busy at the moment. 
BC: Is there a tasty whole chicken song?

EM: There's a chicken dance, right?
BC: A chicken dance?
EM: Yeah!
BC: Does it attract tasty whole chickens?
EM: YES!
MK: NO!
BC: Oooh! Teach me the chicken dance! Teach me the chicken dance!
MK: I'm BUSY!
BC: Come on! Teach me! Teach me!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... now I'm ASKING Momma to sing and dance. Maybe The Boy is right and I was dropped on my head as a kitten.
MK: In case you two hadn't noticed ... I'm BUSY! No singing ... no dancing ... 
BC: Phht. What's HER problem?
EM: Well, you know, if I had to cover my business with water, I'd be awfully grumpy too.
BC: Good point. I wonder if the humans ever fall in.
EM: {to Momma} Are you done yet?
MK: That's IT!
{Momma closes the door}
EM: That was rude!
BC: I need to learn the chicken dance! Momma! Let me in!!! Let me in!!! 
{Silence}
BC: No wait! She's getting out the tasty whole chickens! LET ME IN!!!
MK: {on the other side of the door} BEAR! I'd like privacy!
BC: You have tasty whole chickens in there!
MK: BEAR! If I teach you the chicken dance when I get out, will you give me a few moments of privacy?
{Silence}
EM: Are you done yet?
MK: {mumbling under her breath} I can't go with this nonsense. I haven't pooped alone since Ellie got here ... and Bear is just as bad. I quit.
{Momma opens the door}
BC: Teach me the chicken dance! Teach me the chicken dance!
EM: Where's the water?
BC: Chicken dance!
EM: WATER!
MK: Knock it off, you two! You both are ridiculous! If you two worked together on the same side, you might have more luck.
BC: She's ALWAYS on my side! I keep drawing the line and she keeps stepping over it! 
MK: {sigh} I've had it. 
{Momma walks in the closet and closes the door}
BC: Momma?
EM: Momma?
MK: I'm not here!
BC: RATS!
EM: Hehehehehehehehe. Doofus.

BC: When Momma gets home, I'm going to tell her you called me a doofus!
EM: You do that. WHEN SHE GETS HOME.

[NOTE: What's the chicken dance? Chicken Dance - Maximo, GoNoodle or History of the Chicken Dance and Oktoberfest.]

*** LATER THAT DAY ***
BC: {walking up to Ellie, who's in the litter box} AHA! I knew it! You're red-paws!
EM: {looking at her paws} What? My paws aren't red!
BC: I see you!
EM: Ummm ... okay. I see you too.
BC: So what do you have to say for yourself?
EM: About what?
BC: Why I caught you with your paw in the litter box.
EM: You caught me with my paw in the litter box because you follow me around everywhere and stare at me.
BC: But why are you in the litter box?
EM: Isn't it kind of obvious?
BC: No.
EM: You're not very bright. I have to poop. I still don't understand this red-paw thing. 
BC: Phht. And you say I'M not very bright. When a human catches another human doing something he shouldn't be doing, they say the offender is red-hands.
EM: I think it's, "caught red-handed."
BC: That's what I said!
EM: No. That's NOT what you said.
BC: Yes, it is!
EM: No, it isn't.
BC: Stop pestering me!
EM: You're the one following me around and watching everything I do. You're STALKING me and that gets really old fast.
BC: You still didn't answer the thousand catnip question. What are you doing in my litter box?
EM: YOUR litter box?


BC: YES! This is MY litter box.
EM: Yesterday, you said the other litter box was your litter box.


BC: They are both mine.
EM: Then where am I supposed to go?
BC: Outside.
EM: No.
BC: FINE. A compromise.
EM: Okay.
BC: You have to ask permission first.
EM: I don't need to ask your permission for anything! You're not the boss of me. I say this litter box is the ladies room. Are you a lady? If not, this isn't your litter box.
BC: Phht. LADY. If people saw how you were humping me last night ...


EM: You started it!
BC: I know I'm irresistible.
EM: Irresistible to beat the crap out of because you're obnoxious.
BC: You're lucky I share my litter boxes with you!
EM: You think SHARING a litter box with you is a bonus? You have all kinds of BOY spray and messiness. "Oooh! I'm a big manly man and I try to make up for my lack of sexual prowess by making sure my pee is spread around each time such that every inch of my litter box smells like me!" Or you sprung a leak. EWW. Like I want to stare at THAT while I'm doing my business.
BC: I'll ask you again ... what are you doing in MY litter box?


EM: Well, if you wish to claim this pungent and toxic dump of waste, then sure. It's YOUR litter box.
BC: You're a thief!
EM: I'm not stealing your litter box, you moron.
BC: NO! You've been stealing my poop!
EM: Do I look like I have a death wish?
BC: That's right! You know it! I'll kill you with my little claw.
EM: Let me show you where to stick your little claw. I was referring to the lethal qualities of your excrement. Dude. That stuff is weapons grade, hazmat suit required!
BC: Don't distract me from what you've done. I've been watching this box to catch my poop thief.
EM: Excuse me? Do you not think I poop enough myself?
BC: I staked out the litter box looking for the poop thief and it's YOU!
EM: Don't be ridiculous. I've COVERING your nasty gift to the rest of us because I can't tolerate the smell any longer. Then I'm going to poop.


BC: Suuuuure. That's what all the good poop thieves say.
EM: Who steals poop?
BC: YOU!
EM: I do not! I had to use the litter box and the smell was unbearable, so I covered your business before I did my own.
BC: Phht. Smelliness is the point! If it's smelly, the humans will scoop it. By burying it, you ensure it won't get scooped until the humans get to it.

EM: Is it THAT hard to cover your business?
BC: Is it that hard to mind your own business?
EM: Says the cat whose nose is in my business when I step into the litter box.
BC: I'm telling you ... I'm after a poop thief! 
EM: Can't I have privacy?

BC: No. Why does everyone want privacy from me?
EM: Ummm ... because you're ANNOYING and you put your nose into EVERYTHING?
BC: That was a rhetorical question!
EM: You don't have anything better to do?
BC: Phht. I'm IMPORTANT. I always have something to do.
EM: Then go do it!
{Pause as Bear looks both ways}

BC: Ummm ... you're right. I don't have anything better to do.
{The cats just stare at each other}
BC: Don't forget! Take your stuff with you!
EM: Not my problem.
BC: I'm watching you.
EM: WHAT?!?! I think I hear tasty whole chickens in the other room!
BC: REALLY?!?! I don't hear anything! Maybe the chicken dance helped! BYE!
{Bear runs down the hall to the bedroom}
EM: Sometimes I actually feel bad ... it's just way too easy.
{Fifteen minutes go by ... Ellie does her business ... Bear searches for tasty whole chickens in the bedroom ... until ...}
BC: {walking into the room and toward Momma's work area} Do de do ... I'm so glad you're home! Momma, I really need some ... {GASP}.

{Bear sees Ellie in Momma's lap}

BC: Oh nonononononononononononono. This is NOT happening! MY Momma's lap is taken! It's an emergency! I need lovings, Momma! RIGHT NOW! Move pipsqueak!
EM: It's MY turn!
BC: Well, when will it be MY turn ... wait a ... WE DON'T TAKE TURNS ... SHE'S MY MOMMA! If I don't get ear rubs RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I'm going to DIE!
MK: You can wait a few minutes, Bear.
BC: NO! I can't!
MK: Try.
BC: FINE!
BC: Do de do. Do do do do do ...
{Bear wanders off}
MK: I have a feeling I'm going to regret this.
{Silence}
The Boy: {from the other room} BEAR!!! Get off my keyboard! Wait! NO! Don't send that e-ma ... HONEY!!!! Get your cat off my keyboard! He just sent out an e-mail for a $9,678,372 premium!
BC: You missed the one! NINETEEN million. That should be enough for a tasty whole chicken farm.
The Boy: GET OUT!
{The door slams}

BC: HOW RUDE!!! I spend WAY too much time on the wrong side of doors.
{Bear saunters down the hallway until he sees the couch}
BC: AHA!
{Scratch-ity scratch scratch ... scratch scratch scratch ... Bear claws the couch ...}
BC: Take THIS! And that! 
MK: Bear! Knock it off!
BC: Well, since I have to WAIT IN LINE ... I thought I'd make my claws useful. You can stop this right now ...
MK: You're a furry terrorist.
{Scratch-ity scratch scratch ... scratch scratch scratch ... Bear claws the loveseat ...}
BC: I have a lot of furry fury, Momma. 
EM: {jumping down} And I'm on the receiving end of most of it! Luckily, I hand you your butt on a platter most of the time.
BC: That's not true!
EM: Uh huh!
BC: Un uh!
MK: Come here, Bear. Cuddles?
BC: {sitting just out of Momma's reach with his back to her} Hmph. Not any more. You missed your chance. Feeling sorry?
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!! Momma's killing me! Momma's killing me!
{Pause}
BC: I ... purr ... HATE ... purrrr ... you! I'm ... purr ... not actually ... purrrr ... purring! I'm ... purr ... being held against purrrr ... my ... purr ... will!
EM: {to herself} Dumba$$.

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