Friday, December 30, 2016

Bolt Cathack

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Bolt Cathack:
{Momma's laying on her stomach in bed}
BC: Prepare TO die! PREPARE to DIE!
MK: So help me, Bear ... if you attack my butt again ...
BC: Get ready to RUMBLE!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Don't worry, Momma. I've got my eye on the bushy creature on the back of your head!
MK: THE WHAT?!?
BC: There is a small fuzzy creature on the back of your head! Don't move! Don't move! I'm going to kill it for you!
MK: What the ... what does it look like?
BC: It's standing up on its hind legs and glaring at me! DON'T MOVE, Momma! DON'T ....
MK: Is it a mouse? I SWEAR! If it bites me ...
BC: Don't panic, Momma. I've got things under control!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Take THAT! And THIS! Get ready to meet your maker!
MK: Bear, why are you whacky-pawing my ponytail to death? Bear! I'm trying to take a nap before I get back to ...
BC: It FLOUNCED at me!
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWW! Stop bunny kicking my head, you huge pain in ...
BC: That's it! That't IT!!! I'm going to take care of you once and for all! 
MK: Uh oh.
BC: KOW-A-BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNGA! {PLOP!}
MK: {muffled} Bear!!! Get off my face!
BC: Don't worry, Momma! I'm sitting on the small fuzzy creature! 
MK: {still muffled} BEAR! You plopped down on the back of my head and landed half way on my face since it's turned to the side! GET OFF!
BC: You want me to let it go?
MK: {still muffled} YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! All you're doing is beating the snot out of my ponytail! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
BC: It GROWLED at me!!!
MK: {muffled} NO! That was me! Because I can't ....
{Pause}
MK: Phew!
BC: Don't worry, Momma. It's dead.

MK: Fantastic. Thank you so much for killing my small tuft of hair. 
BC: Are you being sarcastic?
MK: YES!
BC: Hmph. The LEAST you could do is THANK me!

MK: BEAR! All you did was attack my ponytail with your front claws, attack it with your back claws, and then try to suffocate it!
BC: EXACTLY! A little appreciation would suffice!
MK: {turning over} {sigh} Come here, Sugar Puff.
BC: SUGAR PUFF!?! I'm not a sugar puff! I'm a ferocious mancat! I've ... I've ... EATEN things bigger than you!
MK: Good point. You need to go on a diet.
BC: WHAT?!?! 
MK: Come here, SnugBug ...
BC: {GASP} Stop ... stop ...
MK: It's just a term of endearment, Bear.
BC: I'll ENDEAR you! Why can't you call me NORMAL terms of endearment?
MK: Like?
BC: I DON'T KNOW! Honey? Err ... pumpkin? Firecracker? You know, 'cause I'll rip your arm off if you mess with me! But NOOOOOOOO. You have to be all creative and $#!+!

MK: Ummmm ...
BC: Call me PUNCH CHOPPER! No. LOSER BRUISER! BOLT CATHACK! GENERAL ESCOBAR!
MK: Rogue Pooper?
BC: NOW we're talk ... wait a ... are you MOCKING me?
MK: Only a little.
BC: Oh yeah? OH? YEAH? I'm going to open only a little can of whoop @$$ on your @$$!
{The doorbell rings ...}
BC: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 
{Bear runs under the bed}
MK: You have GOT to be ...
BC: I knew they were coming for me! The time is NOW. Don't tell them I'm here, Momma.
MK: {opening the door} It's just a package delivery, Bear!
BC: SHHHHHH! I'm NOT here! AND WHATEVER YOU DO ... DON'T OPEN THE BOX!
MK: It's just a package, BOLT CATHACK!
BC: WHAT?!?! That's a ... a ... someone by the name of BOLT CATHACK will kill me! HE'LL EAT ME!
MK: {sigh} No. You said I should call you that as a term of endear ... {closing the door} never mind.
{Silence}
BC: Is the coast clear?
MK: Bear ....
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! What are you doing?

MK: Holy cat crap, Bear. When did you come out and sneak up behind me? You switch modes WAY TOO ...
BC: {GASP}. NOOOO!

MK: What the ...
BC: {zooming one way across the family room} MOMMA! You're ruining EVERYTHING!!!!
MK: I'm just picking up your toys so I can vacuum ...
BC: {stopping to GASP!!!} You said the V WORD!
MK: Uh oh. 
BC: I'm going to die! I'm going to die! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {Careening off the couch} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! {Bouncing off the wall} My NINE LIVES are OVER! Each one is flashing before my eyes!!!!! {Zooming around the family room like a tasty whole chicken with its ... err ... yeah}.
MK: Did you just poop?
BC: EXCUSE ME? Did YOU just poop?
MK: I'm not the one running around like a crazy pants.
BC: You would if you properly appreciated the perils of the vacuum.
{Pause}
BC: UNHAND those toys!
MK: Bear, I need to vacuum!
BC: That's like saying, "Bear, I need to torture sweet kitty cats!"
MK: But ...
BC: STOP TOUCHING MY TOYS!
MK: What are you ...
BC: You're ruining my SYSTEM!
MK: You have a system with your toys? It just looks like a huge mess!
BC: YES! The ones in this quadrant of the room I don't like. 

BC: The ones in this quadrant I refuse to play with on principle ...


MK: What principle?
BC: Well, some of them you were really really excited to give me ... like the turbo track and the homemade whack-a-mouse game ... the ones you couldn't wait to give me ... yeah. I can't play with them. Then some of the others, I can't play with them because you gave them to me ... like the pen, the straw, and the bow.
MK: I give you ALL your toys!
BC: Well, no, not ...
MK: I see your point. You want to play with the "toys" I don't give you.
BC: EXACTLY! If it's a straw or a pen or a paper bag or a bow ... or anything I'm not SUPPOSED to have, I want to play with it. But GIVE me one of those ... and NOPE, NOT playing with it on principle alone.
MK: Even if it's really fun.
BC: What makes anything FUN is your reaction! Well, except for the toys over here ... these are fun no matter what.

MK: Of course. Pinkie mousie, Bluie mousie, your drumstick from the kitties at 15 and Meowing, the "string" I made you that's "safe" for you, your kickstick ...
{Pause}
MK: And what category are these toys over here?
BC: Eh. Take them or leave them. I mean kitty and teddy and piggy are okay and all ... but I mainly bat them around only when they start it.
MK: How about I put all your toys back in the way they are now? That way everything is in the right place. I wouldn't want to accidentally suck one of your toys up in the vacuum. And the couple times I've tried to vacuum around them it didn't work too well.
BC: Hmph. I GUESS. If you HAVE to vacuum!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... what's today? HOLD ON! You know, it's New Year's Eve, Momma! You should take a load off and go out and enjoy yourself.
MK: I'll just vacuum tomorrow then.
BC: Phht. I'm only thinking of your well-being. You should have a life!
MK: You just want me to not vacuum.
BC: YOU HAVE NO LIFE! You're a young ... err ... young-ish ... err ... oldish woman in your prime ... err ... you're still alive! You should be having fun! Not VACUUMING on New Year's Eve!
MK: You're right! I SHOULD go out and enjoy myself.
BC: WHAT?
MK: Hmmm ... what should I wear? I probably need a shower because I've been cleaning all day ...
BC: WHAT?!?! So I'm not good enough now? You're supposed to want to be with me!!!
MK: You said I should go out!
BC: NO! I said you should have a life! 
MK: Actually you {seeing Bear's face} ... never mind.
BC: A life with the best kitty cat in the whole world!!! Leave me to have a life ... phht!
MK: You mean the world to me. You just want to spend a quiet evening with your Momma.
BC: NO! I want to do the tango with the vacuum! OF COURSE ... err ... 
{Pause}
BC: So no vacuuming?
MK: Cuddles?
BC: Phht! As IF ...
{Pause}
BC: Of course!
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: I love you, Momma.
{Pause}
BC: Umm ... to REALLY celebrate the New Year and all ... how about some tuna? I hear it's traditional to celebrate New Year's with tuna.
MK: I'll think about it.
BC: RATS!


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Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Momma's resolutions

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Momma's resolutions:

BC: Here's your list of New Year's resolutions.

MK: What?
BC: You humans like to make resolutions for the New Year.
MK: Okay.
BC: Here's yours.
MK: That's not how it works, Bear. A person makes her own ... for self-betterment.
BC: Well, THAT makes no sense! I'm the one that has to live with you! I think I know better what you need to change than anyone!
MK: Oddly, you have a bit of a point.
BC: Technically, if you count all my claws and my fangs, I actually have twenty-two points. Point. Game. Set. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd MATCH!
MK: Yes, I'm INTIMATELY acquainted with your twenty-two points. But still. Resolutions are for self improvement.
BC: Well, do you have any resolutions?
MK: No.
BC: BOOM! Now you do! I saved you from having to think about it. And let's face it ... you have LOTS and LOTS and LOTS ...
MK: Yes, Bear. I get it. I have lots of room for improvement.
BC: You said it, not me!
MK: {sigh} Not quite. But anyway ... let me see this list. Number one. I won't be a mean Momma?

BC: Yeah. That's a good one.
MK: How am I mean to you?
BC: I think the question should be how are you NOT mean to me?
MK: Can you provide a little more guidance here?
BC: Are you lost in our house again? Because we've lived here an AWFUL long ...
MK: NO! I meant guidance on how I can be less mean.
BC: DON'T BE YOURSELF!
MK: {sigh} Specifically, how am I mean to you?
BC: Let's see. You poke and prod me with a toothbrush. You sever my furry fury. You contaminate my chin furs. You shove me in a tiny box, put me on your broom, and take me to the place of suffering, agony, and endless ordeals. You don't let me outside to commune with nature. You let that ugly dog out of the closet JUST to torment me. OH! OH! And you flail around like a constipated caterpillar and howl like a messed up mutant hybrid of an owl and a ding-bat. Wait ... no. DINGO. Though ding-bat is appropriate as well.

MK: How about we un-dramatize these?
BC: SEE! You invalidate my feelings!
MK: Okay, okay. "You poke and prod me with a toothbrush." You want me to stop brushing your teeth.
BC: No. I want you to stick the toothbrush up your butt and do the hula. OF COURSE, I want you to stop brushing my teeth! That's why I hide in my cat tree corner where you can't reach me!!!


MK: Bear, if I didn't brush your teeth every day, you'd have lost them all by now.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
MK: "You sever my furry fury." Meaning I clip your claws?
BC: No. Meaning you refuse to let me play powder puff football. OF COURSE, I mean clipping my claws.
MK: If I didn't clip your claws, I'd be in a lot of pain.
BC: EXACTLY! And I'd get my way more!
MK: {sigh} "You contaminate my chin furs." Meaning I wash your face with the acne pads. Because you have ACNE.
BC: No. Meaning you give me facials! OF COURSE ...
MK: Bear, stop with the sarcasm.
BC: Then you stop with the sarcasm.
MK: I'm not being sarcastic.
BC: RATS!
MK: This one is my personal favorite,"You shove me in a tiny box, put me on your broom, and take me to the place of suffering, agony, and endless ordeals." I put you in the carrier and fly ... err ... drive you to the vet.
BC: No. You ... {seeing Momma's look} ... yes.
MK: Going to the vet keeps you healthy.
BC: Well, THAT'S debatable! He tells you to starvatate me!
MK: Starvatate?
BC: You want me to waste away to nothing! I'm ALMOST THERE! LOOK!

MK: Ah. He jokes that you aren't missing any meals.
BC: I'm starvatating, Momma! How can I be healthy if I'm starvatating?
MK: Where did you even get the word starvatating?
BC: De Nile just ain't de river in Egypt you know!
MK: You are such an odd duck.
BC: I'm not an odd duck! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT QUACKS around here!
MK: I do not quack.
BC: Well, not loud enough for anyone to hear ...
MK: That makes NO ... never mind. "You don't let me outside to commune with nature." Ummm ... maybe that's for your safety? Oh. And because you're terrified of everything that moves outside. 
BC: I'm not scared of you!
MK: Which is why I sever your furry fury.
BC: And then you let the ugly dog out to torment me!

MK: Bear, you spend the entire time UNDER THE BED. How is that TORMENTING you? It's not like you CONFRONT the vacuum or anything.

BC: I'm not stupid! It's trying to EAT me. {GASP} That's why you try to fatten me up!
MK: Wait ... wait ... I thought I was STARVATATING you?
BC: That too!
MK: Note to self .... don't try to make sense of what the cat says.
BC: Just because you're not intelligent enough to understand what I'm saying doesn't mean that I'm not making sense!
MK: {sigh} Flail around like a constipated caterpillar and howl like a ... like a ...
BC: ... a messed up mutant hybrid of an owl and a dingo. Your "dancing" and "singing." 
MK: BEAR! 
BC: Hey, the truth hurts!
MK: Fine. So number two. "I'll love Bear more {than doughnuts and KitKats}."

BC: That's a good one!
MK: Give me a little more guidance ...
BC: Are you lost AGAIN?
MK: {sigh} No. I mean how could I love you more? Because I don't think that's possible, Bear.
BC: Yes. It is. I could have more treats. AND more wet food. And no empty food bowl.
MK: The way I could love you more is by giving you more treats?
BC: No. You could add roses to my litter box. YES, I want more treats! I haven't had treats since I was a kitten! And I'm a growing boy!
MK: Bear, you're almost eleven. I'm pretty sure your growth stage ended nine years ago. And you had treats a few weeks ago.
BC: So you admit to the problem!
MK: You still get your wet food treat every day.
BC: Are you really that dumb or do you just play dumb? No, no. Don't answer that. Rhetorical question.

MK: Bear, you food bowl is NEVER empty!
BC: Is too! ALL THE TIME! I'm always on the edge of starvatating!
MK: Like when you were a homeless kitten?
BC: Well, I don't mean starvatating THAT badly ...
{Pause}
BC: But it's pretty close! My food bowl is empty RIGHT NOW! SEE!
BC: AND you take my food bowl away some times!

MK: YEAH! Because you chow down on kibble that you have twenty-four/seven! And then you barf! Usually STRATEGICALLY close to where I'm sleeping!
BC: I leave you presents!
MK: You're ridiculous! 

BC: Am not!
MK: {sigh} Okay ... number three ... "I won't mistreat my cute little kitty cat."

BC: Mmmm hmmm ... that's a good one.
MK: You've said that about every single one!
BC: That's because they're ALL good ones, Momma! Geez! I mean, I wrote them!
MK: ANYWAY. How do I mistreat you that we haven't already covered?
BC: I am tasty whole chicken-less. I require a second desk chair.
MK: That might not be a bad idea. Then we can each have our own.

BC: Yeah. The sharing thing doesn't work for me ... you've had too many doughnuts!



BC: Phht. Each our own chair ... I don't know WHAT you're talking about! I just want a second chair so I can stretch out!


MK: Right. Poor you. Not only monopolizing MY desk chair ... but then not having room to spread out!
BC: EXACTLY!
MK: Now I'm being sarcastic.
BC: Oh. Well, it was the truth.
MK: Never mind.
BC: You also mistreat me by involving boys in your life.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: First, you ignore me to talk to HIM ... then all that GIGGLING ... SO annoying! Then the boy leaves and you're all like, "BEAR! I'm sad. I NEED a hug!" Oh, and who can forget the thousand pictures of me you take to make yourself feel better. Like I didn't TELL you that would happen. NO MORE BOYS!!!




BC: Which reminds me of something else ... you mistreat me by not petting me whenever I want! And NOT petting me when I don't!
MK: Bear, sometimes I have to sleep.
BC: Sheesh! Like it hurts you to wake up and pet me for five minutes every couple hours! But don't forget, NOT PETTING ME WHEN I DON'T WANT TO BE PETTED! Like when I'm sleeping. Or in my cat tree. Or when I'm staring at you from my spot on the kitchen table. 



MK: {sigh} Now what's this about a "cute little kitty cat?"
BC: Well, I mean, it's kind of self explanatory. 

MK: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: What's so funny?
MK: Let's see ... we have Mr. Bitey Pants ...

BC: A cat bites a person ONE time ....
MK: Ummmm ....


BC: Well, I don't see ...
MK: Then we have Mr. Destroy Everything Pants.

BC: Phht. Big deal.  A little carpet. A little furniture. A few blinds.
MK: A comforter ... a desk chair ...


BC: Ummm ...
MK: Then we have Mr. Counter Cruiser ...
BC: SHEESH! A cat gets on a counter ONE time to try to get his ...



BC: WHAT IS THIS? NATIONAL "I HATE BEAR CAT DAY?!?!?!"
MK: You have a point.
BC: THANK YOU!
MK: I'm thinking we should be talking more about YOUR resolutions than mine.
BC: WHAT?!?!?
MK: Remember these?


BC: HEY! We're talking about you!!! Back to 
number three ... "I won't mistreat my cute little kitty cat."
MK: Let's see ... I could do with less biting ... less destruction ...
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... I HATE YOU!
MK: Good point. We could do with less of that too.
BC: SEE! You're mean! I always get in trouble!
MK: Ummm ... and WHY is that?
{Silence}
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... I HATE YOU!


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