Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Let's talk reindeer {Bear post}

If you're a regular reader of our blog, you know there is always nonsense going on in the Momma Kat house. My Momma would tell you I am the source of the nonsense, but our feline fans know better! Just recently, we had a scandal (The ignominious scandal), an election (Pinkie Mouse in the White House and The bait), a desertion (Don't rub it in!), and a bit of drama regarding a certain dumb boy (Evil bunny day and Bigger Band-aids). But forget the human nonsense, let's talk turkey. Wait a ... after Thanksgiving, can you say that? What's the Christmas equivalent? Talking reindeer? And if so, are they tasty whole reindeer? I hear reindeer makes fantastic gravy! For a cat, the proof isn't in the pudding ... it's in the GRAVY! [If you missed last year's Rudolph, the tasty reindeer song, you may find it in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 15 {"On tasty reindeer (part 2 - Christmas day)"}]. Anyway, our friend Erin the Cat Princess wrote a brilliant post a month ago about a bug disguised as rogue punctuation on her computer screen (Asterisk...), and that post got me thinking about computers. 

As a cat blogger (that's a cat that blogs ... not a blogger that writes about cats ... though I suppose I'm that too ... a cat that blogs and a blogger who writes about cats), I've encountered all kinds of interesting things ... but never rogue punctuation ... well, unless you count the times I popped the keys off my Momma's (now defunct ... maybe at least partially due to me ... may it rest in peace because it provided me endless fun) laptop. A couple times, I popped off a comma or a question mark along with the space bar. The space bar being the key I always popped off first ... so much so that it stopped working no matter how well Momma managed to re-attach it. So anyway. After popping off that comma key, and batting it off the table where the laptop sat, I suppose it went rogue when it got lost underneath the couch. I told my Momma she was lucky it didn't get lost like the "x" ... though in actuality, the "x" is not REALLY lost because it's in my secret stash, the location of which is, by definition, SECRET. So while it might be lost to her, it's not lost to me. Or not mostly ... because I do have quite a few secret stashes stashed around here and I sometimes temporarily forget a location until my Momma comes upon a pile of spider and random bug legs and barfed up grass while digging in her closet to find something else (or maybe she's stash hunting ... I don't trust her either way).

I'm starting to ramble like my Momma! Erin's post about rogue punctuation made me think about that bane of a cat's existence ... the computer. How many times has it been time for my meal only to hear, from the human using the infernal cat-torture machine, "Oh, just let me finish this ONE thing!" Thirty seconds later? NO FOOD! ONE thing. Lady, I finish ONE THING in five seconds ... especially if it's made of fabric and I can sink my claws into it. Give me thirty seconds and I'll turn your whole WORLD upside down! Evidence of my handiwork (and YES, I AM accepting new clients) ... 

While the human does her "work" on the computer ... I'm expected to sit and wait patiently meanwhile wasting away in front of her eyes! LOOK! I'm skin and bones and she continues to type anyway!!!
I'm not sure what I find more insulting ... that my Momma has this many pictures of my perpetual and eventual starvation or the fact that she STOPPED WHAT SHE WAS DOING to take them ... when whatever she was doing was just SO important ten seconds ago that she couldn't feed me. What really chaps my behind is when intruders are at the spot on MY table that is PERFECT for my starvation vigil glare.


But back to my starvation vigil and the human wanting to finish just one thing ... at the thirty-one second mark of finishing that ONE thing ... I take matters into my own paws.
Guess what? There's only one living thing in this house that's EVER sorry and I'll give you a hint ... it's NOT ME.

Not only do computers consume copious amounts of time and attention that could be devoted to us beleaguered felines, but their use also gives us stiff competition for those nirvanas of feline existence, the desk chair. If the human didn't use a computer, she'd have no use for a desk chair and it would undoubtedly be more available to me. Then again, if the human no longer had a use for the desk chair, a cat wouldn't want the desk chair ANYWAY. Where's the fun in stealing something no one else wants? What would a cat prove? Momma tries to distract me from the desk chair with cat beds and boxes ... but I'm onto my Momma ... and while I might fake interest in a cat bed here and there ... it's the perfect position to steal the chair, the second she gets up.


There's nothing quite like the look on the human's face when she gets up to get a drink of water and comes back to find the desk chair occupied by a cat with plenty of furry fury to defend his real estate twenty times over in the form of fangs and claws. 

Notice how widely my mouth is open in the above picture? One word ... PRACTICE. But don't feel sorry for my Momma because she deserves it (usually). Without furry fury, a cat is relegated to "sharing" (SELF-ISH!!) the desk chair or having to make do with an "extra" (aka NOT THE DESK CHAIR!!!) chair.


Even better on the spectrum of occupying the desk chair that belongs to me? When the human returns from getting up to find the feline looking completely cute and innocent IN THE CHAIR by grooming one's self as if one didn't just complete the heist of the century. For some reason, a human finds that ESPECIALLY insulting. 

Though a close second is when the human comes back in the room to find me ripping up her beloved desk chair (the "her" here not signifying ownership of the desk chair, but her love enough of MY desk chair, that she dares to phunk with my claws and fangs) or depositing an especially well marinated hair ball RIGHT in the middle of the seat. 


Yeah. MAKE ME WAIT FOR MY DINNER ONE MORE TIME, LADY!

Another of my favorite moves is to sit RIGHT below the chair as Momma walks back into the room and then jump in the chair at JUST the last second before she sits down. Drives her NUTS.





Another benefit to us cats from computers? We give new meaning to, "I'm ON the computer." And we look mighty FINE doing it ... so don't you dare interrupt us to attend to your "work." If we're really IN THE WAY such that they can't get ANY work done, they can get up and fix us dinner since we probably have mere MINUTES left in our ninth lives before we starve.




So let's get down to the computers themselves. What is the humans' obsession? They constantly MOCK us for spending HOURS staring at the wall ... yet they have no compunction staring at a computer screen for an ENTIRE DAY. How many times have we gotten in trouble for playing with the toy with a squeaker or bell ALL NIGHT LONG while the humans try to sleep (and yes, we only play with the noisy toy at night ... meanwhile engaging in a rollicking game of "My tail's on fire!!!")? And yet, they don't feel the SLIGHTEST bit of guilt in clacking that stupid keyboard while we try to sleep! CLACK CLACK. CLACK CLACK CLACK. {PAUSE} CLACK CLACK, CLACKITTY-CLACK ... ALL DAY LONG! Do the humans think all this CLACKING is some form of exercise? Though I must admit that popping keys off a keyboard WAS a bit of a workout ... and tons of fun. So maybe the clacking thing might benefit felines as well. I'll be sure to try it out the next time my Momma's rushing to finish a post. And what do you mean, "aaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssddvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvqweredfasddddddddddddddddddd" is NOT going to be nominated for best blog post? If my Momma can't manage to churn out a winner, maybe she should let me handle the business (and the clacking ... in between naps anyway).

Is our help EVER appreciated?!?! When my Momma works at the computer, she often turns her head to the side in confusion. It's the classic, "If I were making this face in the mirror, I'd burn down the house because I truly look like a dumb moron" look (and you might ask "aren't ALL morons dumb?" I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you like the three legged spider my Momma found in her bed yesterday ... those spiders are chatty!!!). So, back to the dumb moron look, I plop on the keyboard to do her a favor and rotate the display ninety degrees to 
minimize her neck strain

You'd think the computer exploded! You've never seen so much desperate button pushing. And just because I didn't feel she appreciated the first attempt, I did it AGAIN a couple years later just in case she'd developed the proper appreciation and gratitude. Luckily, I wrote down all the words she used for my future use ... "Momma! My litter box is *&^@%# $^&!" "Momma! Where are my %^&@#!  @#&* sardines and tuna in whitefish gravy?" Hehehehe. But those gems of the English language are for another post ...  


[My Momma always mumbles, "Who knew whitefish made gravy?" but I DON'T CARE as long as it's tasty gravy and I don't care what you humans call it ... or how unappetizing you find the thought of "fish gravy" ...  just saying. Because every cat knows the MOST annoying sound - even more than the infernal clacking - is the human "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" And the humans complain when we sing the song of our people for a few hours ... plus a few more ... while they try to sleep! Hmph. We all know a rollicking game of "I hear voices ... and something's stuck to me" requires a proper anthem to kick off the festivities!]  

~Bear Cat Kat

Why YES, this IS my chair, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. So nice of you to notice!









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