Monday, October 31, 2016

The ignominious scandal

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - The ignominious scandal:
BC: Do de do ... la la ... {licky, licky, lick, lick, lickety lick}.

BC: You're once {licky, licky, lick, lick, lickety lick} do de do ...

BC: Twice {licky, licky, lick, lick, lickety lick} do de do ...

BC: {licky, licky, lick, lick, lickety lick} THREE TIMES ... A TORTIE!!! Do de do ...

BC: And I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ...


MK: Give it to me!
{Pause}
BC: HUH?

{Bear runs under the kitchen table}
MK: Oh, yeah!
{Bear looks one direction}
MK: Come on!
{Bear looks the other direction}
MK: Oooooooh! Yeah, right there!
{Bear looks up}
MK: {grunt} No! NO! Don't stop!
{Bear looks down}
MK: Oh my ... YEAH!
BC: What the FILTH?!?!?
MK: {grunt} Harder!
BC: Hmph! I NEVER ...

MK: Almost ... just a little ...
BC: AWCHUH!
MK: I'm about to ...
BC: Oh, for the love of ...
MK: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
BC: EEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

MK: Bear?
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I was in my desk chair singing while I bathe ... and I hear THIS ... THIS ...

MK: Come here!
BC: NO! Don't involve me in your ... your ... INIQUITY! My poor ears! Subjected to this FOUL-ility! This ... sleaze! This .... SMUT! I feel DIRTY! EEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

MK: {coming out of the bedroom} What are you talking about?
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

MK: Don't want to know WHAT? 
BC: What ... what ... INDECENCY!  If you come out here ... YOU BETTER BE WEARING PANTS!

MK: Why wouldn't I be wearing pants? Bear ...
BC: DEPRAVITY! IMMORALITY! 
MK: Bear!
BC: The ... MISCREANCY!  WICKEDNESS! 

MK: BEAR!
BC: Your ... your ... VULGARITY! VILENESS!
MK: What are you ...
BC: LUBRICITY! UNCOUTH-OCITY! My favorite tortie will never be allowed to come over with this ... this ... CRUDITY! SALACITY! OBSCENITY! INDECENCY! She's a lady ... and you're a ... a ... LOOSE WOMAN!

MK: BEAR!
BC: With your .... your ... LICENTIOUSNESS! DEBAUCHERY! CRASSNESS! I have to re-bathe myself! I feel contaminated by your ... your ... IMPROPRIETY!  DEPRAVITY! INDECENCY!

MK: But ...
BC: Hmph. At least you put on pants before coming out! The horrors! But still! My poor ears!!! I need MIND BLEACH! LOTS of mind bleach! NO! I need to scour my hard drive! Err ... reboot? 
{Pause}
BC: No. I don't have boots ... umm ...

MK: Bear, I was ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!! What kind of cat do you think I am? I'm a GENTLEcat! A NICE boy! Uncorrupted! Angelic! PURE!
MK: You? GENTLE? Hahahahahaha.
BC: I ... umm ... RATS!
MK: You? ANGELIC? Hahahahahaha.
BC: I ... YOU ... STOP THAT! I HATE YOU!
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! I'm LEAVING! I'm packing my stuff up in my suitcase and LEAVING! 

{Pause}
BC: No. Wait. You're packing up my stuff. I don't know how to fit all my stuff in my suitcase. I got my suitcase out. I'll be waiting here by the front door.

MK: This sticker on your suitcase ... "I break for food?!" Don't you mean, "I brake for food?"
BC: Shows what you know! Cats can't DRIVE! And besides ... we're CATS. Even if we COULD drive, we'd hit the gas and just plow full speed ahead without a care in the world ... especially in regard to what a HUMAN thinks! Brakes are for sissies.
MK: Huh. You have a point ... thank goodness you don't drive. 
BC: Remember this cat shaming sign, Momma?!?
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! I pulled up all the pictures of what's mine. GET TO IT, Momma! Dice dice!
{Pause}
BC: Mince mince?
MK: Chop chop.
BC: Last time I did that, I got grounded! But wait ... I'm leaving, so what do I care? HIIIIIIII-YAH!
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: Here's my list of things to pack. I'll supervise from under my paper bag so I'm not subjected to more of your corruption!









MK: You want to take me with you?

BC: RATS! OF COURSE NOT.
MK: Bear, this is ridiculous. You can't take the kitchen pantry with you. The desk chair? The love seat? The bed? The KITCHEN COUNTER?
BC: Why not?
MK: Because they're MINE! Or they're attached to the house!
BC: Hmph. OBVIOUSLY not. My name IS on them.
MK: You can't stick a post-it note on something and claim it's yours.
BC: Shows what you know!
MK: And the cat tree isn't going to fit in your suitcase.
BC: Why not?
MK: Bear! Compare the size of the suitcase to the size of your cat tree!

BC: What's the problem? SHEESH! You ask a human to do ONE LITTLE THING and her incompetence becomes readily apparent!
MK: {sigh} All this because I tried to get the mirrored closet door back on track?

BC: NO! I meant you were incompetent because you couldn't get my tiny little cat tree in the .... WAIT A SECOND!
{Pause}
BC: You were trying to get the closet door back on track?
MK: Ummmm .... YEAH!
BC: Why didn't you say that before?!?!?
MK: I gladly would have if you'd given me the chance!
BC: Hmph. How am I supposed to know when you'll have something useful to say? I mean, it happens so rarely ... usually your gabbing sounds like a mosquito buzzing. ANNOY-ING!
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! Did you find my mousie?
MK: What?
BC: The closet ate Pinkie!
MK: Wait a ... is THAT what that racket was this morning?
BC: Stupid closet!
MK: That's how the door got off track! You body checked the mirrored panel repeatedly, didn't you?
BC: Well, yeah! It ATE my favorite mousie! I was trying to get her back!
{Pause}
BC: Uh oh. 
MK: BEAR! Are YOU the reason that panel keeps getting off track?
BC: I ... err ... ummm ... I WANT MY MOUSIE BACK!
MK: {sigh} How about you stop carrying your mousie into the second bedroom?
BC: Because I like playing with her in there! For PRIVACY!
MK: But you get her stuck in the closet.
BC: I do NOT! The closet EATS her!
MK: Okay, okay. Hold on.
BC: What are you doing? Can I watch? 
MK: BEAR! I can't see what I'm doing with your nose in my face!
BC: I have to make sure Pinkie doesn't get hurt when you extricate her from the evil closet!
MK: {sigh} Here she is.
BC: OooH! OOOOH! Pinkie!
MK: No. You can only have her back outside of this bedroom.
BC: Hmph.
MK: Here!
BC: Oh, Pinkie! I thought I'd never see you again! I'm so glad you're okay! You're so pretty in pink! Your tail is looking ESPECIALLY fine today! That evil closet ate you! I'm so glad I saved you!
MK: {AHEM!!!!}
BC: Do you MIND?!?!? We're having a private moment here, Momma!
MK: Oh, never mind.
BC: SEE! This is why we have to take our amorous-ity into the second bedroom! 
MK: {mumbling to herself} Oh, for the love of ... and you accuse ME of iniquity! GET A ROOM!
BC: Do you hear buzzing, Pinkie?!?! There's an annoying mosquito around here ... Let's go elsewhere so we can be alone!
{Fifteen minutes pass}
BC: RATS! {BOOM!} Damn closet!!!  {THUNK!} PINKIE! PINKIE! DON'T WORRY! I WON'T FORSAKE YOU! {THUMP!} Stupid closet! {THUNK!} MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMA!!!!
MK: I quit! 
BC: MOOOOoooooommmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA! It's an EMERGENCY! 991! SCAT!
MK: Okay, okay.
{Momma messes around with the closet door}
MK: {mumbling to herself} And it's 9 - 1 - 1! And not SCAT ... but STAT! How many times do I have to tell  ...
MK: BEAR! I can't see what I'm doing with your nose in my face!
BC: I have to make sure Pinkie doesn't get hurt when you extricate her from the evil closet!
MK: {sigh} Here she is.
BC: OooH! OOOOH! Pinkie! My pretty! I missed you! It seemed like FOREVER that you were gone! 
{Pause}
MK: {mumbling to herself} Stupid panel is off track, AGAIN!
BC: {carrying Pinkie to his desk chair} I'll groom you right now! Hold on a sec ... let me clean my paw first ...
{Pause}
MK: Come on!
{Bear looks up}
MK: Oooooooh! Yeah, right there!
{Pause}
MK: Almost ... just a little bit ...
{Pause}
MK: {grunt} No! NO! Don't stop!
BC: DO YOU MIND?!?!?!? I have to cover Pinkie's ears! She's a NICE girl-mousie!
MK: You could just rip her ears off like you've done with your other micey!
BC: WHAT?!?! Don't listen to her Pinkie! Ask all your other micey friends ... they'll tell you I'd NEVER ...
MK: They couldn't HEAR her question because THEY DON'T HAVE EARS!
BC: RATS! Don't you have something better to do than harass me and Pinkie?
MK: You mean ... like get the closet door back on track?
BC: See what I have to put up with, Pinkie! It's a cruel, cruel world.

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