Saturday, May 28, 2016

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 23

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household? 

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" posted to our Facebook page within the last two weeks? As usual, these "conversations" (posted below), include lots of snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides. 

The other blog posts in this cycle, if you missed them: 
Twitter page of Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat. Yep. Momma Kat and Bear finally joined Twitter. Can't imagine either of us speaking in 140 characters or less? We're both working on it (while repeatedly cursing the limitations). Momma's taken to occasionally posting sneak peeks at, or hints about, our Facebook conversations on our Twitter account, earlier in the day.
* From Momma to ***WINNING*** {Bear post}Bear takes over blogging duty for a post. He certainly has some opinions about being a finalist in the Best Pet Humor Blog category of the BlogPaws 2016 Nose-to-Nose Pet Blogging and Social Media Awards ... and shares the results of his "soul-searching" on the quality of Momma's assistance. What could go wrong?

For those of you who'd like to follow our Facebook conversations daily, our "new" post of the day goes up around 4pm CST (weekends may be a bit earlier). The "new" conversation will also be reposted around 8am CST the next day for those who missed it the day before.

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below: 
Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6Part 7Part 8Part 9Part 10Part 11Part 12Part 13Part 14Part 15Part 16Part 17Part 18Part 19Part 20, Part 21, and Part 22.

Here's the collection of shorter dialogues from the past two weeks (previously posted to Momma Kat's Facebook page; below, in order from most recent to oldest):

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

On the sitting duc ... cat:
MK: BEAR! Inside! Come on! It's dark out here!
{Silence}
MK: {finding Bear in the rose bush} INSIDE!
BC: HEY! You just grabbed my unmentionables!
MK: You were hiding so that the only part of you I could reach WAS your unmentionables!
BC: You GRABBED my BUTT! No touch-y my butt-y!
MK: No hide-y so I no reach-y.
BC: You're not even sorry!
MK: Neither are you.
BC: I'll MAKE you sorry.
MK: Fine.
BC: FINE!
{Stare down}
BC: CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSS!!
{Silence}
BC: MROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!!!
{Pause}
BC: You don't look scared.
MK: I'm not.
BC: But you're bleeding.
MK: So?
BC: My feline furry fury DEMANDS your recognition.
MK: I demand you go inside.
BC: Make me.
MK: I'm already bleeding. Like I care.
BC: I'm already hiding. Like I care.
MK: Fine.
BC: FINE!!!
MK: You win.
{Momma walks inside and closes the door}
BC: What the ...?!?!?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: HEY! I'm STILL OUT HERE! LET .. ME .. IN! THERE ARE ... THERE ARE ... {whispering} ... ferocious BEASTS out here! MOMMA?! MoooooommMMMMMA!!!! I'm a sitting duc ... cat! There are shadows! I see SHADOWS! They're getting closer! They're going to EAT me!!!! It's ... DARK out here!
{Pause}
BC: OH, WOE! I've returned to nature! I'm HOMELESS! I'm going to starve! I'm going to starve even more than when I was fed! POOR, POOR me! Princess Buttercup has been deposed. Abandoned!
{Pause}
BC: MMOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAA!
MK: What's wrong?
BC: YOU LOCKED ME OUTSIDE!
MK: The door was only touching! All you had to do was push it with your nose! You know how to do that! You do that all the time!
BC: But ...
MK: Are you coming inside now?
BC: I'M NOT DONE SOWING MY WILD OATS! I'm big bad-ass Princess Buttercup! I've got the PRIDE! I've got the POWER! I'm a bad ass mother(BLEEP)er who won't take no (BLEEP) from no one!
{Pause}
BC: Wait! Wait! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! {Whispering} The shadows are WATCHING me!
{Bear runs inside, Momma closes the door.}
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: You made me come inside! You want to keep me imprisoned in your house of human horrors! I DEMAND to be let outside!
MK: Wha ... the he ... BEAR! You're wet! Is that the only reason you jumped in my lap?
BC: Serves you right! For closing me out ... err ... in ... yeah! ... INside!


On ignoring sense:
MK: {sigh} Please?
BC: NO!
MK: Pretty please?
BC: Pretty NO!
MK: Bear ...
BC: BITE ME!
MK: Really?
BC: Do I LOOK like a tasty whole chicken?
MK: I don't look like a tasty whole chicken and you bite me all the time!
BC: That's because I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE YOU!
MK: Wow. THREE reallys. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.
BC: GOOD! It's about time your conscience kicked in!
MK: Come on, Bear. Don't make me drag you out.
BC: I'm not coming out EVER, EVER, EVER again! NEVER!
MK: You know I'm not going to give up. You can hide back in the corner under your cat tree where I can't reach you, for as long as you want, but I'm not giving up.
BC: Then why SHOULD I? Why do YOU get to be stubborn and I have to give in?
MK: That ACTUALLY makes a bit of sense.
BC: GOOD!
{Pause}
BC: Why are you still looking at me?
MK: I'm waiting.
BC: I thought you said what I said made sense!
MK: I did. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to brush your teeth.
BC: What kind of (BLEEP)ed up human logic is that?!?!
MK: Despite any other concerns, if I don't brush your teeth, you'll lose the rest of them. You don't want to go through having a molar extracted again, do you? You were miserable. You were so out of it that it scared the hell out of me.
BC: Hmph. 
{Pause}
MK: Right?
BC: Maybe.
MK: Then why aren't you coming out?
BC: For the same reason you can ignore sense.
MK: Good point.
BC: Thank you.
{Silence}
BC: Why are you still watching me?
MK: I'm waiting.
BC: OH! WHAT am I feeling?!?! All my teeth are gone! No more brushing required!
MK: I know for a fact you have teeth because you bit me five minutes ago.
BC: RATS! My furry fury always gets me in trouble when I least expect it! A cat can't bite or claw without reminding the human he has both! I claw you? BANG! It's time to clip my claws! I bite you? Oop! The cat still has teeth! Feline furry fury is frequently fully frustrated!
{Pause}
BC: SPEEDY, QUICK-MOVING DENTAL DISEASE. MY TEETH!! MY TEETH!!!! They've completely disintegrated IN MY MOUTH! Oh, woe IS ME! No more brushing is required! No more biting for me! Nope! Bye, bye teeth!
MK: Uh huh. I guess I have to take your kibble away since you won't be able to chew it with NO TEETH.
BC: Ummm ... err ... I ... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: {SIGH}.
Bear hiding in his cat tree corner, under his cat tree, to make it hard for Momma to nab him to brush his teeth . . .


On the crushed kibble:
{CRUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNCH!!!}
MK: What the ...
{Pause}
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm not here!
MK: Oh rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreallly?
BC: RATS!
MK: Why is there a pile of kibble on my bed? Err ... make that a pile of CRUSHED kibble.
BC: CRUSHED?!?! How did my kibble get crushed?!?!? When I left it there, it was WHOLE! You ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: It's okay, Bear. You're the only way the kibble could migrate to my bed - I already knew it was you.
BC: I WAS FRAMED!
MK: The question is, WHY did you leave a pile of kibble on my bed?
BC: I thought I might get the munchies so I made a little pile just in case.
MK: How did you move all that kibble?
BC: Very carefully.
{LONG silence}
BC: Get it? How did you ... very ... haha ... umm ... hmm.
{Pause}
BC: You're not laughing ...
{Pause}
BC: I brought it in piece by piece.
MK: So you went back and forth between your bowl and the bed multiple times, JUST IN CASE you got the munchies, to save yourself ONE trip to your food bowl?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: If I told you that I built the pile so that if I got hungry while we were snuggling, I wouldn't have to leave and miss a moment of snuggling - would you still be mad?
MK: Awww. That's so sweet! I love you, Bear! Maybe we should move your food bowl closer to my bed?
BC: Err ... I didn't say that's WHY I did it, I was just asking if you would still be mad ...
{Silence}
BC: Ummm ...
{Pause}
BC: What happened to your sense of humor! You've been grumpy ALL DAY! No wonder our "humor blog" sucks ... YOU HAVE NO HUMOR!
MK: Bear ...
BC: {sigh} Yes, yes, I know. I'm grounded. At least I don't lose my snuggle privileges ...
MK: AWWW. Beeeeeaarrr. I love our snuggles too! Come here ...
BC: ... Because if I wasn't allowed to snuggle up with you, YOU'D NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR ANYTHING!
{SILENCE}
BC: Oops. I REALLY should learn to think before I speak.


On firing:
BC: LET ME GO!
{Pause}
BC: I REALLY hate when you brush my teeth.
MK: I know. But if I stopped brushing your teeth, you'd lose even more teeth than you've already lost.
BC: YOU'RE FIRED!
MK: {sigh} Right.
BC: Wasn't that convincing? Should I add a hiss in there?
MK: Bear, you can fire and hiss at me all you want, but I'm not giving up on brushing your teeth.
BC: I wasn't ACTUALLY firing you. I was practicing! You know, for when the proper help comes forward. With all the benefits I enumerated in yesterday's blog post, like spending time with me 24/7/365, SURELY I'll be inundated with applications at any moment. I'm a hot potato!
MK: Hot pot ...
BC: Hot PROPERTY.
MK: Property?
BC: RATS! You know what I mean! Besides, even I know that firing someone involves actual fire.
MK: Yeah, umm ... no. It ACTUALLY doesn't. And with your ... ummm ... sense of how to do things, you'd probably set your tail on fire.
BC: Phht. I'm not STUPID. I wouldn't mess with that evil conflagration. You'd set yourself on fire.
MK: Yeah. Again, 'firing' as in 'terminating employment' doesn't actually involve fire. It's not nice to set people on fire.
BC: Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you? THEY SET THEMSELVES ON FIRE! You just tell them to.
MK: Who would set themselves on fire voluntarily?
BC: If people didn't set themselves on fire voluntarily, ON DEMAND, then how else do you get to be president?
MK: WHAT?
BC: That grumpy dude who's running for president? Didn't he tell a bunch of people to set themselves on fire to get them out of the way so he could be president?
MK: Not exactly. The firing and running for president are two separate things. He fired people as part of a television show.
BC: OH! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS.
MK: Yes, what?
BC: I'll fire people if I get my own television show! That sounds entertaining!
MK: You don't ACTUALLY set them on fire, Bear.
BC: I know. They set themselves on fire after you tell them to.
MK: You take things a bit too literally.
BC: HEY! It's more idiot idioms! How am I supposed to know when people are speaking figuratively or not?
MK: Use common sense?
BC: Common sense is for common people. Cats don't have common sense.
MK: {laughing} You said it ...
BC: I'm not common. And I'm not people. Therefore, I'd use extraordinary sense.
MK: Yes, well, last time I checked, your 'extraordinary sense' got your paw stuck in the toaster, and your body caught in the handle of a plastic bag, and your back paw ... BACK paw ... stuck in a jar of peanut butter.
BC: You know, most people with COMMON SENSE would wonder why all those things were trying to EAT me! Someone with COMMON SENSE would say, "Hmmm. That Bear Cat must be TASTY."
MK: You want to advertise your tastiness? Why would your tastiness matter to me?
BC: {SIGH} You'll never understand.
MK: You mean your comment doesn't make sense, commonly OR extraordinarily.
BC: It DOES make sense ... because ... because ... BECAUSE I SAID SO!

If you missed the blog post referenced in this conversation, written by the cat himself, you can find it here: From Momma to ***WINNING*** {Bear post}.


On the best part of Bear and Momma's relationship:
The hilarious aspects of Bear and Momma's relationship often overshadow the best part; today's conversation reminds us what that is and why Momma started this page to begin with.

BC: I like how the first thing you do when you wake up is reach for me.
MK: And I like that you're never far. ESPECIALLY when I'm flailing around and kicking because I'm having a horrid nightmare. Instead of running, you lay on top of me to remind me it's just a dream of the past and no longer my life.
BC: I like that the last thing you do before you go to sleep is tell me you love me ... for the millionth time that day.
MK: I love you all the time ... even when you're full of cattitude. Actually, I love you BECAUSE you're as full of cattitude as you're full of love.
BC: Speaking of cattitude ... I like biting you. And destroying things. It's always fun to get your attention.
MK: You're very good at biting, destroying, and getting attention.
BC: I like that you set aside time to play with me every day and go a bit psycho with exuberance. Even when that causes you to go a bit nuts and whack yourself in the head with my toys or run into things by accident.
MK: I have fun too. It's fun to be crazy and chase each other around and roughhouse, Mr. Fang and Claw.
BC: I like that you're always making new toys for me or finding new ways to make my life better. I can tell you walk around really seeing everything as it is and putting yourself in my paws.
MK: I wish I could be in your paws! Then I'd have claws. MROW!
BC: Ummm ... NO. I like that you always stop what you're doing when I require reassurance or some first class ear rubs/belly rubs/back scratches. Bonus that when I need reassurance or just to check-in, you understand that and don't go crazy and keep trying to pet me.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I know. I like that you like to cuddle just as much as me and that you'll wait for me as long as it takes when I have to pretend that I'm indifferent to cuddling.
MK: You're well worth the wait, Bear. And your cuddling is the reason I'm still alive.
BC: I like that when I adopted you, you weren't used to having someone by your side at all times, but that even though it stressed you out and was outside your comfort zone, you still snuggled with me every time because I needed reassurance and closeness.
MK: I like that you always took the last step that separated us and didn't give up on me. I also like that you're not only a cuddle bug with a Bear-sized heart, but that you're also full of Bear-sized personality. You always make me laugh and love you more by just being you.
BC: You got lucky, didn't you?
MK: I did. When I started feeding you when you were homeless, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I just saw a hungry, scared kitten that looked like she was ready to give me a chance.
BC: Yeah. That "she" thing was a problem.
MK: At least you weren't pregnant.
BC: No kidding. If I were a pregnant male, we'd have bigger problems than me being homeless and hungry.
{Pause}
BC: I DON'T like that you take me to the vet, brush my teeth, clip my claws, and wash my face.
MK: That's okay, I wouldn't expect you to. I just hope that in the end your life is better than if I did none of those things. I feel horrible taking you to the vet because I know how scared you get - I wish you never had to go.
BC: You're good at loving me even when I'm scared.
MK: I just wish I could make you less scared of everything - men, birds, squirrels, dogs, storms ... I wish I could take it all away and that you never felt insecure.
BC: You're a pretty good Momma.
MK: Thank you, Bear. That means more to me than anything else.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bug.
BC: MROOOOOOOOOOW! {CHOMP}.
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Cuddles?
MK: Absolutely.

To read more about the "she" thing (Bear's adoption story):
Momma and Bear recount Bear's adoption story in this blog post: Momma's Favorite Story.
And this is the original blog post sharing how Momma and Bear met: The good news is your cat is not pregnant . . . the bad news is . . . (or How We Met).


On nomnums:
BC: NOMNOMNUMNOMNOMNOMNUMNOMNOMNUMNUM.
{Pause as Bear looks up.}
MK: Hi, Bear!
BC: RATS RATS RATS!
{Pause}
BC: NO! Don't touch me! Back away and I won't release my furry fury on you!
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You're killing me! You're killing me! LET ME GO! LET ME GO RIGHT NOW! YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE!
MK: Let go!
BC: NEVER!
MK: If you don't let go of the carpet with your claws, I'll clip your claws IN ADDITION to brushing your teeth and washing your chin.
BC: This is a HORRIBLE day! A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY, VERY, BAD DAY! I'm SCREWED! I'm ALWAYS screwed! YOU ALWAYS SCREW ME OVER! ALWAYS. SCREWED. By you. YOU. YOU. YOU!
MK: No. That would be your big belly that can't resist fishy numminess.
BC: RATS! You take advantage of Bear's big belly! My wet food fishy treat is just sitting out there ... looking so fishy and so nummy and so ... so ... TASTY. I can't help it! The fishy calls to me ... its fishy scent wafting through the house, all the way to my cat tree, where I hide from the horrors you subject me to daily. I'M SCREWED! SCREWED! SCREWED! BY YOU! ALL THE TIME! POOR, POOR BEAR CAT!
MK: Let go or claw clipping.
BC: You let go! You ... you ... err ... REALLY BAD PERSON!
MK: "Really bad person?"
BC: Oh, shut up.
MK: Just saying.
BC: Hmph. You told me not to bring my thesaurus with me when I ate because it was getting all fishy.
MK: Have you noticed that space contorts all around you?
BC: Are you calling me fat?
MK: No. I'm saying that not only do you have a big ego, but you act all big and tough and BAD, and throw around your weight like I should be scared.
BC: "Throw around your weight ... " I KNEW IT! You're calling me fat! You're not so skinny yourself! Think about THAT next time you come home with thirty KitKats.
MK: HEY! You don't see me commenting on your fishy habit.
BC: You brought home TWO CANS of fishy and THIRTY KitKats! In what existence is THAT fair?!?! I'VE BEEN SCREWED!
MK: {sigh} Just LET GO!
BC: No.
MK: Fine. I'm clipping your claws too, Mr. Tough Pants.
BC: {high pitched SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAL}.
MK: Nothing like a grown male cat that squeals like a little girl.
BC: At least I'm not a BIG girl. Get it? BIG? As in FAT?
MK: {sigh} Yes, well, this BIG GIRL is about to clip your claws you big pain in the butt.
BC: RATS! I HATE YOU!


On sharing selfishness:
MK: Really, Bear?
BC: I'm not moving.
MK: Come on! I only left my desk chair to get dessert. I was gone for five seconds!
BC: Not my problem. My desk chair. Your KitKats.
MK: Damn it all, Bear!
BC: I'm not moving.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! I was here first! You can't sit here while I'm sitting here! It's MY chair! MINEMINEMINE! You humans are SO selfish!
MK: You can share.
BC: NO! No, I CAN'T SHARE. You're just being selfish!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! You're touching me! You can't touch me! THIS IS MY CHAIR AND I WAS HERE FIRST! There must be AT LEAST two inches between us when you're so rude as to attempt this "SHARING" SELFISHNESS!
MK: I need to get at least part of my butt on the chair!
BC: Do I look like I care? DEAL WITH IT. I'm NOT moving.
MK: You're spread out!
BC: It's not MY FAULT your butt is bigger than my entire body!
MK: You're SPREAD OUT! Curl up in a ball!
BC: You're touching me! You're TOUCHING me! YOU'RE TOUCHING ME!!!
MK: Move.
BC: You're SITTING on ME!
MK: I am not.
BC: But you're touching me. If you're touching me, YOU'RE SITTING ON ME.
MK: You'd think you'd take that as a hint.
BC: For what?
MK: TO MOVE!
BC: NEVER!
MK: You usually move if I crowd you. But you're still here!
BC: I'm not sorry! I'm tired of your tyranny! I'm fed up with your despotic reign! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF BEAR! I demand you cease your selfish impositions on my sovereign rights!
MK: FINE!
BC: FINE!
MK: Your "sovereign rights" can feed themselves!
BC: Your selfish oppression can cuddle itself!
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! What? YOU CAN'T MOVE THE CHAIR! This ruins everything!
MK: I need a place to sit, Bear.
BC: You can't just move my chair out of the way and bring in another chair!
MK: Actually, now that I'm trying it, this chair is more comfortable. You're right. The desk chair is yours.
BC: This isn't how this works! I'm offended.You're supposed to annoy me and want the desk chair that I've conquered! You can't just give up and sit elsewhere! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! I'm supposed to be in your way and make it impossible for you to do what you want to do!
MK: Oh?
BC: If you don't want the desk chair, I don't want the desk chair!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{Pause}
BC: HMPH! You take the ripped up desk chair, I'm going to sleep on my cat tree where I'm wanted, never disturbed, and the fabric is pristine!
MK: Yes, your cat tree, including its ten scratching posts, is the only pristine (and nicest) piece of furniture in this entire house! Yet you still demand whatever I want to use.
BC: LICK, LICK, LICK, LICK, LIIIIIIIIICK.
MK: Fine. Ignore me.
BC: I will!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
ABOVE: "I'm not moving." ~Bear Cat          
BELOW: "You can't just move my chair out of the way and bring in another chair!" ~Bear Cat
To read more about the start of the desk chair wars: Chair + Towel + Cat = Tons of Pictures.


On reading:
BC: This book sucks!
MK: What? You don't read!
BC: What's that have to do with anything?
MK: Books are for reading.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about. Read? I've never seen you read books! Isn't that always what you accused the Big Dodo of not doing?
MK: What do you mean?
BC: When he was "assembling" stuff!
MK: You have a good memory.
BC: Remember that the next time you think about ticking me off.
MK: Yes, I did suggest he read the instructions when he was trying to put stuff together.
BC: And then things would go flying all over the place. I assumed 'reading' meant throwing things around. You told him to read the instructions and then he started throwing $#!+ all over the place. Then he stomped off and told you to put it together yourself. But I've never seen you throw books around.
MK: No. Reading means to look at the tiny type on the pages of the book or paper. It tells a story or gives you information you'd like to or need to learn. And the Big Dodo never read the instructions. He threw stuff around because he got angry and frustrated that he couldn't assemble whatever it was - even though he wouldn't bother to read the instructions to find out how to put whatever it was together.
BC: Do we have a book about tasty whole chickens?
MK: No.
BC: Can you get a book about tasty whole chickens?
MK: Err ... I can check the library.
BC: Lie prairie? Like a field of lies? I KNEW you were a liar! Hmph. It just figures that humans are so stupid they require a prairie of lies since they aren't smart enough to come up with their own lies. I bet the lies are devised by cats. And then you humans go around harvesting the lies from the prairie.
MK: You're a HORRIBLE liar, Bear. Actually, most cats are horrible liars ... you'll catch them red-pawed and they'll still tell you they didn't do it.
BC: Because we don't. We're all sweet little kitty cats.
MK: Liar. "Bear! Get off the counter!" "I'm not on the counter!" (CRASH!!) "Whoa! A glass just kamikazied itself off the counter!"
MK: Liar. "Bear! Get your paw out of the toaster!" "My paw's not in the toaster!" Pause. "AHHHH! HELP! The toaster is trying to eat me! My paw is locked in its ferocious jaws!"
MK: Liar. "Bear! Get off the bathroom counter!" "I'm not on the bathroom counter!" (CRASH!!!). "It's not my fault your shelves vomited their contents into the toilet!"

BC: Maybe you should think about all the "BEAR!" "BEAR!" "BEAR!" you yell.
MK: Liar. I don't yell.
BC: Well, hmph. That's just a technicality. How rude. I just wanted you to get the fun books that project light on the walls. The light is fun to chase. But NOOOO. You have to bring up all this other stuff about cats being liars!
MK: Light on the walls?
BC: Are you calling me a liar again?
MK: Wait a ... oh. You mean the books with the clear plastic sleeves to protect the cover and back that reflect the light onto the walls.
BC: How should I know? I'm a LIAR, remember?
MK: I love you, Bear. But you ARE a liar.
BC: Maybe you should go to your lie prairie and think about when I tell you I love you.
MK: You love me.
BC: I'm a liar, remember?
MK: Are you lying about not loving me or lying about loving me? BEAR?!?!
BC: Wouldn't YOU like to know.
{Bear turns around, flicking his tail, and sauntering off like the drama queen he is ... }



On Bear hiding from Momma:
MK: See?! Now was that so bad?
BC: YES! I barely survived you brushing my teeth! BARELY. SURVIVED. The toothbrush came THIS.CLOSE to ... to ... err ... being the instrument of my demise.
MK: The toothbrush has murderous intent? Or disgruntled discontent?
BC: DOES IT MATTER?!?!? THE TOOTHBRUSH MIGHT KILL ME AND YOU WORRY ABOUT SEMANTICS?!?!?!
{Pause}
BC: AND you almost whacked my head on my cat tree trying to snatch me!
MK: Only because you were hiding back in your cat tree corner and I had to wrangle a squirming cat out from under the cat tree. I'm very careful - I haven't hurt you once. You meanwhile ...
BC: One of these days, I'll give you furry fury you can't ignore.
MK: Bear hiding from Momma,
Under his cat tree,
H -- I -- S -- S -- I -- N -- G.
First came claw, then came fang,
All from whence indomitable furry fury sprang.

BC: HI-larious. NOT.
{Pause}
BC: Here's a joke. (AHEM!!!)
{Pause}
BC: Knock knock.
MK: Who's there?
BC: Funny.
MK: Funny who?
BC: Funny who? Not you!
{Pause}
BC: You're not laughing. I made that up myself!
MK: Yes, I can tell.
BC: What's THAT supposed to mean?!?!?
MK: Knock knock.
BC: Who's there?
MK: Grounded.
BC: Grounded wh ... wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: But I'm not ... OH. RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU! With murderous intent AND disgruntled discontent.
MK: So an ordinary day?
BC: Well ... I ... err ... ! RATS!
Bear hiding in his cat tree corner, under his cat tree, to make it hard for Momma to nab him to brush his teeth . . .


On last resorts:
BC: HAAAAACK, HAAACK, HHHHHHHHWWWWWAWCK! Oooh.
{Pause}
BC: Why are you looking at me like that?
MK: Bear ...
BC: You act like I barf on purpose!
MK: Maybe if you didn't ...
BC: I can't help it!
MK: Oh really?
BC: Phht. You're just persecuting me. A sweet little kitty cat led to the sarcastic slaughter of your horrid humanity. You're jealous of my keen intellect!
MK: What about the super-extra dramatic barf that you only do while I'm sleeping - as a last resort to wake me up?
BC: It's NOT THE last resort! My last resort is climbing . . .
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Damn it all to kitty hell!
MK: The last resort is climbing in my closet, right?
BC: You always trick me!
MK: Right.
BC: You have no idea! Do you know what it feels like to be outwitted by a CLEARLY inferior intellectual being?
MK: Every day.
BC: Wait a ... what?
{Pause}
BC: Are you calling me a ...
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: Hate. The currency of the inferior.
BC: I'll have you know ...
{Pause}
BC: You won't get away with ...
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: My next target is ... umm ... hmmm.
MK: Just realizing you've barfed EVERYWHERE on EVERYTHING I own except the linoleum in the kitchen and the tile in the bathroom? Otherwise known as the easiest places for me to clean?
BC: You act like you're SPECIAL! I barf on everything I own too!
MK: So you finally admit those aren't the same things?
BC: NO! I OWN everything in here! EVERYTHING! If I barfed on it, it's mine! MINE MINE MINE! I'm the boss!
MK: A need for control - another currency of the inferior.
BC: Well, but ... you're awfully plucky today! If you don't knock it off, I'm going to barf on you while you're sleeping. Again.
MK: {smiling} No control, right?
BC: RATS! RATS RATS RATS! RATS!


On 'Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest WITHOUT a tiara' (tipsy Momma - part 1):
MK: Ugh. Hmmm ... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRR ... Wha? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {THUNK!!!!!!} OOF!
{Pause}
MK: Oww.
BC: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! {SNORT!} Do it again, Momma! Do it again! That was hilarious!
{Pause}
BC: Momma? MoooooooooooooooooooommmmmMMMA!?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: Why, oh, why did I not pay attention when Momma described mouth-to-mouth?!?! If she dies, how will I get my wet food treat?!? Hmm. If I just whack her in the face with my paw  ... oh, and huh. FHHHH! I'm trying to save you, Momma! Hold on! FHHHH! WHACK! WHACK! FHHHH! WHACK! WHACK! FHHHH!
MK: BEAR!
BC: THANK THE KITTY GODS!
MK: Why are you whacking me in the nose and blowing on my face?
BC: Mouth-to-mouth! I saved your life! I DID it! I should get some kind of award for that! Maybe a tiara?
MK: Bear ...
BC: You don't have to thank me ... never mind. Thank me! Thank me with TREATS! I saved your life!
MK: Bear! I wasn't in distress! My back hurt so I stretched super big, causing my desk chair to tip over and my head to hit the floor. I just needed a second.
BC: You didn't do that on purpose?
MK: No, Bear.
BC: You should do it again. It was pretty funny.
MK: Yeah, no thanks. Once was more than enough.
BC: You ruin all my fun! You wouldn't let me save your life so I can get a tiara! You won't do it again! And you won't do it again to see if this time I need to save your life! I HATE YOU!
MK: Yeah. Thanks for your concern.
BC: You, you, YOU! Everything is ALWAYS about YOU! When do I get to be the hero? When do I get to be the star? What about me? ME, ME, ME, ME! Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat. PHHT. Bear Cat and His Momma Kat. Bear Cat and His Momma. Bear Cat and His Selfish Momma! Bear Cat! Bear Cat! Bear Cat!
MK: PSST!
BC: What?
MK: You ARE the star. EVERYTHING is about you. No one reads our blog for me.
BC: DUH! I KNOW THAT! Oh. Can I save your life now?
MK: {sigh} Sure.
{Pause}
MK: {rolling all over the floor} I'm dying. DYYYYYYIIIINNNG! UGH! UGH! I'm dying!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
MK: OOF! Yeah. Thanks for saving my life by plopping your butt down on my face.
BC: If you can't breathe, and my action, like say moving, restores your breathing, then I saved your life.
MK: Fantastic. You can move now.
BC: That was anti-climactic. You're still alive.
MK: All the better to feed you.
BC: Huh. I guess. I could use some ear rubs too. It's the least you can do to compensate me for not letting me save your life and ruining all my fun. The Great (male) Princess Buttercup Bear (WITHOUT a tiara) has spoken. OOH! And you may bow before me too!
MK: I'M selfish?
BC: Silence!
MK: Right, Buttercup.
BC: HEY! That's "Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest WITHOUT a tiara" to you!

The introduction of Princess Buttercup and Bear's desire for a tiara are found in the "On tiaras" series toward the top of "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 22.


On Momma and monkies (tipsy Momma - part 2, a few days after part 1):
MK: {mumbling} Stupid! I'll fix this ... just have to ... almost ... EEEEH??!??!
{Pause ... !!!!THUNK!!!!}
MK: OW!
BC: Are you alive?
MK: Yes.
BC: Does that mean I can laugh now?
MK: {sigh} Sure, why not?
BC: You should know by now that any time you feel the need to say, "I shouldn't do this. I KNOW it's a bad idea," it isn't going to end well. ESPECIALLY when you tack on, "Don't tell anyone I did this, Bear." I bet a hospital emergency room could triage visits based on JUST those statements alone.
MK: {sigh} I hit my head and hurt my wrist.
BC: Case in point.
MK: You're one to talk, Mr. I'm-going-to-jump-this-seven-foot-tall-entertainment-center-if-it's-the-last-thing-I-do-JUST-because-you-put-something-up-there-that-I-MIGHT-want-to-play-with.
BC: HEY! I haven't done that in a really long time!
MK: Yes. Because trying to stop you from jumping it was pointless, and you scared the crap out of me, so I stopped putting stuff up there to get it out of your reach. I now utilize other hiding spots.
BC: Hmph. This is the SECOND time you've fallen over in the desk chair in the past week! If it didn't work out for you to reach from the chair when you were sitting IN it, it isn't going to work out any better for you to reach from the chair when you're standing up ON it!
MK: You're right. I should use a chair that doesn't tilt back and tip over so easily with just a tiny weight shift.
BC: TINY? TINY weight shift? YOU!?!?! That's like coming up against a lion and saying, "It's only a TINY cat!"
MK: There's a reason my mom used to call me a monkey.
BC: Because you always chatter and never shut up?
{Pause}
BC: Because you like bananas?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Because you're always annoying?
{Silence as Bear and Momma stare at each other}
BC: Hey. Don't blame me. You're the only blogger who routinely confesses to this kind of human idiocy. Most people would never admit to this.
MK: If I'm going to share your foibles for people to laugh at, it only seems fair to share my own.
BC: Who LAUGHS at ME?!?! I'll claw a mother-(BLEEP)er!
{Pause}
BC: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT! Other hiding spots? WHERE!?!?!?!
MK: Bear! Stop jumping on me!
BC: WHERE?!?!
MK: {muffled} Yeah. Sitting on my face isn't any better.
BC: YOU'RE the one laying on the floor.
MK: BECAUSE I'M HURT!
BC: Only because you're CRAZY!
{Pause}
BC: And STUPID!
{Silence}
BC: Uh oh.
{Pause}
BC: I'M NOT SORRY!
{Bear rips up carpet, RIGHT in Momma's line of sight, but JUST out of Momma's reach.}
MK: The cat. One of the few beasts that rely upon a brutal offense for a good defense.
BC: The human. One of the few beasts stupid enough to tangle with a brutally offensive cat.
{Silence}
BC: POINT. GAME. MATCH.
MK: I could've died!
BC: But you didn't.
MK: But I could have.
BC: Then don't do that again.
{Pause}
BC: BOO-YAH. TWICE in a row!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

From Momma to ***WINNING*** {Bear post}

In the two weeks since the blog that's ***ALL ABOUT ME*** was named a finalist in the Best Pet Humor Blog category of the BlogPaws 2016 Nose-to-Nose Awards, I've done some soul searching and evaluation of the most important and fundamental aspects of Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat. I've carefully considered strengths (it's ***ABOUT ME***; full of pictures of ***ME***; and full of plenty of funny things that happen to my hapless [or should I say clownishly clumsy] Momma) and weaknesses (it's written by my Momma - with all her insecurities, fears, and doubts that get in the way of my fabulousness shining through; plus, there's no tasty whole chicken farm or proper fun-cat provisions). One weakness blatantly outshines all the rest and is so conspicuous, so pronounced, so undeniable, and so unequivocal that I demand indemnity and redress immediately. What is the soul-sucking deficiency of this blog? The quality of the "help." IT SUCKS. Notice the word "help" in quotations. It's SOOO hard to find good help these days ... err ... then again, when it comes to humans, it's ALWAYS been hard to find good help amongst the morass of incompetence. While the other finalists are wonderful, I'm certain that with the right help, I'd have won the category right away without any of this finalist business. My Momma says we're not going to win because the more she reads the other finalists' work, the more out of place she feels among them; just as I suspected - she brings my fabulousness down a hundred thousand gabillion notches. Case in point? When I told her about the gabillion notches, she said a gabillion isn't a real number. All I could do was shake my head and try to be patient with her glaring ineptitude. As such, I am accepting applications for a new administrative assistant (namely providing my victuals, massages, decor, living conditions and the management of my blog-related affairs and empire ... some might call the position servitude, but the lucky person gets to spend all his or her time with me, and what could POSSIBLY be better than that?). 

Since being named a finalist, I've carefully evaluated the "competition" (that's in quotes too because they're really our friends) and found that my Momma really sucks and doesn't have a clue what she's doing. Google+? She thought that was a programming language ... though she's not sure what a programming language even is. Programming language? OBVIOUSLY, it's what we cats use to train our humans quickly and efficiently. Instagram? Nope. Good luck getting her to take pictures with her cell phone. Good luck getting her to USE her cell phone as anything other than a weight in her pocket to keep her weighted down so the air in her head doesn't cause her to float away. She couldn't even send a text message with her phone if my life depended on it. Twitter? Nope. The closest approximation we have in this house is when Fred, my tasty-whole-wild-flying-chicken-disguised-as-a-pigeon friend, visits (he's been gone for quite a while ... if you see him, remind him I require the celebirdies news on a regular basis) and there's lots of twittering outside on our storage shed. Momma in under 140 characters? BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Or should I say: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. Blog hops? Does she look like a bunny? Or is that some kind of run-by blogging? Maybe a dance move? She's completely clueless. We didn't even have a BlogPaws profile!?!?! And her lack of confidence and self-sabotage is about to ruin my big chance! I mean, when you're THIS sexy ... 
and have THIS many friends ... 

So ... (AHEM!) Here is my formal announcement (with my Momma's comments - because she just can't help butting her nose into my business - in bold, italic and encased in { } because she's just THAT annoying. SEE what I have to put up with!!!) ready for immediate release.

As I'm unhappy with current management, I'm requesting applications for new "owners" {servants}. I have only a few measly requests {demands}:


1) Unlimited wet food and treats {free feeding dry food is not sufficient, nor is only a daily "treat" of a limited amount of wet food/treats}. Preferably, you'll possess a fish tank for free feeding and a farm of tasty whole chickens for my leisure and convenience. I have a lot of tasty whole chicken leisuring pent up inside. 
LOTS of these:

2) Appreciation for my artistic vision {freedom to "reupholster" furniture, tear up carpet, "tailor" your clothes, rearrange sheets, etc as he sees fit.} As everyone knows, if it's not holey, it's not holy, as fang marks are the new black. Make that the BEST black. Thankfully, if you are not cool in any other way, I can help you achieve this {because there are quite literally fang marks in everything I own} - well, except for Momma. She'll never be cool. NEVER. Examples of my extraordinary talent:
Part of my talent includes my penchant for ferociousness and merciless and savage hunting of unwieldy beasts:



3) More toys than a child and your toys too {includes cords, anything with a string or cord attached to it, pens, laptops with keys that pop off, toasters, and anything that can be dragged or batted around. Remember, if you don't want it neither does he.}

4) No other animals, children, or significant others. I mean, you have BEAR CAT, why would you need anyone else?


5) Undivided attention {but only when he wants it, otherwise, pretend he's invisible. And he still reserves the right to do the things he's not supposed to even though you ARE paying attention to him}. Also, 
The Great Bear Cat will not be kept waiting, for ANYTHING. I mean, really, why wouldn't you pay attention to this?

6) No vet visits, no brushing my teeth, no clipping my claws, no carrier or harness, no baths or washing my chin; my awesomeness can best be appreciated "au naturel." This "genetic proclivity" for gum disease or feline acne is a scheme devised to rationalize cruel and unusual punishment. And when I lose teeth or break out, it's obvious that the torture is CAUSING it, not mitigating it.

7) Warm bed, preferably heated, just for me - unless I specifically ask you to share. A super-duper extra premium cat tree complete with cat hammocks but no scratching posts. A cat THIS fabulous doesn't require scratching posts. My artistic vision above is best expressed throughout the house. Believe me, you'll thank me.

8) Your food too. I get first dibs which means I get to lick everything first and drop my toy mice in your glass/mug of coffee/tea/milk - to test the suitability of the morsels before you eat/drink them.


9) When tragedy befalls me - no laughing. Your first duty is to rescue me from the perils in which I find myself so unjustly ... err ... peril-ized and never laugh {"unjust?" The cat courts trouble ... sticking his paw in the toaster (only for it to get stuck in the toaster), his body caught in the handle of a plastic bag because he just can't help sniffing around the contents, or tape somehow getting attached to his fur because he has to have his nose in whatever I'm doing. And that doesn't include his daredevil jumps, his thieving, his counter clearing, cord chewing ... you get the idea.}.



Here's the plastic bag that tried to eat me!!!!! {Not quite. Somecat stuck his nose where it didn't belong and then was startled, getting his body caught in the HANDLE of the plastic bag. Of course, then he panicked and the bag ripped - the contents going one direction, and the cat, and the bag, the other. Ask him how he got un-stuck. No, really! Ask him! Yep, his inept Momma, thank you very much. Okay, okay. So the rescue was delayed until I quit laughing long enough for him to let me get close to him. I'm only human.}.


10) Miscellaneous. 
The human must wear pants (why this even needs saying, I have no idea). I'm not coming out until you put on pants!

The human must not sing or dance or any other bit of maximum annoyingness, like talk. Yeah. None of this:
No pictures (you're NOT the paparazzi) ... 


Oh. And if you're not smart enough to have figured this out yet ... everything is mine. And I'm NEVER sorry.








Okay, okay ... I'm kidding ... mostly. I love my Momma and all ... and we make a pretty good pair, though sometimes I wish she talked and annoyed me less. But let's just say, that if you could make me a star and give me a home on a tasty whole chicken farm, I might find myself with an offer I can't refuse. My Momma also noted that none of the above requirements have anything to do with our blog or her lack of abilities. So how would having all of the above improve this blog? A happy cat ... umm ... err ... RATS! UNLESS THE CAT IS HAPPY, NO ONE IS HAPPY. Until competent help steps up to the proverbial plate (unless it's a real plate full of fishy as I never say no to fishy) ... dis is mine too:


Hehe. She never even saw this one coming . . . 

~Bear Cat

Momma's notes:
*** This past week, Momma finally got her act together and Momma and Her Bear Cat joined Twitter. Check us out: @MKandHerBC ... Momma occasionally posts hints or sneak peeks of our daily Facebook conversations on there IN ADVANCE.
*** For more information on the BlogPaws​ 2016 Nose-to-Nose Pet Blogging and Social Media Awards, and to see the list of finalists: 2016 Nose-to-Nose Pet Blogging and Social Media Awards.
*** The other finalists in our category: Erin the Cat Princess, GLOGIRLY - Tails Of A Cat And Her Girl, and Nerissa's Life. Check them out too; you won't regret it (just don't forget about us, Bear will get mad at Momma ... or MORE mad at Momma since he has a baseline level of furry fury at all times.)
*** Our new "badge:"
*** We love our readers and appreciate you joining us on this journey. We love feedback and suggestions too!