Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Unforgivably impugned

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


Daily conversation - Unforgivably impugned:
BC: Emergency!!! EMERGENCY! Oh, dear fickle kitty gods! HELP ME!!! Deliver me from this injustice! Save me from this atrocity! In the name of tuna, salmon, and ocean whitefish! A ... A ... ACAT!

MK: {rolling her eyes} A little much, Bear ... don't you think?
BC: I'm not going to survive! I'm DYING and all Momma thinks about is how much! CALL 911! STAT! PFQ! ASA ... ASA ... oh, whatever!
MK: Bear ...
BC: P!
MK: What?
BC: P! ASAP!
MK: I'm sorry I asked. Now what's wrong?
BC: I feel dirty! I feel USED! Fouled! Defiled! Debased! Tainted! Polluted! Corrupted! CONTAMINATED! VIOLATED!
{Pause}
MK: {rolling her eyes} My cat ... the drama princess.
BC: HEY! That's Male Drama Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest to you!
{Pause}
BC: {cleaning himself furiously} I feel dirty because you couldn't keep your filthy phalanges to yourself!
MK: Hey! Smarty cat! You're the one that jumped in my lap.
BC: That doesn't give you the right to touch me!
MK: Why would you jump in my lap if you didn't want to be touched?
BC: Because you're in my desk chair! 
MK: What?
BC: I found my chair PURLOINED! I claimed my rightful spot. Your lap just happened to be in the way.
MK: Oh yeah, Mr. Tough Pants? Did you forget these?
BC: Cats have needs too, you know!
MK: Half a rub too much and you're unforgivably impugned!
BC: I demand tasty whole chickens as redress!
MK: Let me get this straight ... I pet you and you feel dirty ... yet if I give you tasty whole chickens, then all is forgiven.
BC: Proper compensation. Pay to play.
MK: There's a word that summarizes this and it rhymes with "chore."
BC: SCORE!
MK: Not quite. I find it interesting that you have no problem rolling around in dirt on the front porch or a pile of dead ants, but you're offended if I touch you. Not to mention your concept of an "emergency" is quite creative.
BC: HEY! Having a food bowl that is 3% empty IS an emergency!
MK: Not quite.
BC: I could miss a meal!
MK: There's another example. You think it's an emergency when it's five minutes before your meal time and I'm not already in the kitchen preparing your wet food treat; then you sit a foot away from me and stare. And if you think I'm ignoring you, you find something to break.
BC: Then there are those emergencies where you're singing or dancing and I have to pray to the kitty gods for relief. Or chew the stereo cords.
BC: One word ... DOUGHNUTS!
MK: These doughnuts feed you! And perhaps some cat who lives in a glass house shouldn't cast the first stone. Especially when he can't miss one day of his junk wet food treat.
BC: It's not JUNK.
MK: I try to feed you fresh meat and you ignore it in favor of cheap canned food!
BC: I like gravy! Gravy makes the world go 'round!!!
MK: Let's see ... you also consider it an emergency when you want to be admired or petted. You have no problem waking me up or meowing mournfully so I'll jump out of the shower because you sound like you're dying! It's always interesting to wake up to this ...

BC: How else am I going to get what I want?
MK: So you stare at me inches from my face?
BC: When I claw your eyelids or stick my wet nose in your ear, you get mad!
MK: Patience isn't your strong suit. Thus everything is an emergency.
BC: Patience is for people who don't know how to get what they want.
{Pause}
BC: Ummmm ... 
{Pause}
BC: Patience is for people who are too scared to demand what they want.
{Pause}
BC: Uh oh.
{Pause}
BC: Errr ...
{Pause}
BC: I LOVE YOU, MOMMA!
MK: Uh huh.
BC: Come here and pet me!!!
MK: I thought I had cooties.
BC: Well, not COOTIES, EXACTLY ... more like ... like ... err ... I feel dirty just thinking about it!
MK: And yet, you have no qualms sitting in the desk chair that I usually sit in. Which is probably overrun with my germs.
BC: Well, when you put it THAT way ... {Lick} {lick} {Licked-y} {lick} {lick}.

BC:  {looking up} Do you mind?
BC: Now. It's time for my nap. Bye.
MK: That's MY chair!
BC: And yet you're NOT sitting in it.

BC: You're dismissed.
MK: HEY! MY chair!
BC: MROW!

MK: OWW!
BC: Wait! Wait! Before you leave ... pet me!
MK: What?
BC: I need some ear scratches.
MK: You just attacked me!
BC: So?
MK: Never mind. I should know better by now.
BC: I'm a pretty fine feline, aren't I?
MK: One of a kind.
BC: Thank you!

Picture of the day:
Poor Bear Cat ...

Featured posts of the day:
What's a cat's idea of an emergency? 

14 comments:

  1. Well done, Bear. In the end, you got YOUR chair back. Now, if you just had some tasty whole chickens, things would be purrfect. :)

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  2. Pay to play sounds like some silly human rule!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RATS! Their crazy rules are infiltrating my once superior feline mind! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Ooops! *thud* sorry, peeps just panicked and rolled off the sofa thinking about those ants you have, and the doughnuts. OK, mainly the doughnuts as those really do float peeps boat. Not that peep has a boat, or a yacht, or anything that is attached to water. Bar the Kraken in the moat, of course that's mine on loan from Basil, and very handy it is too. Though I noted that she does cheat at patience, but hey, who's going to argue with a multi tentacled Kraken? not I, for sure! purrs ERin

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    Replies
    1. I really need to make friends with a Kraken or two ... as long as they won't steal my tasty whole chickens (should I ever get one) ... they sound kind of fun :) ~Bear Cat

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  4. Pay to Play...MOL I love it! You'll get along just fine in our current political atmosphere, Bear!

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    Replies
    1. I should run for president! A chicken in every pot! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Love the pic of you biting the human. I hope you got your whole chicken and it was cooked—or not cooked—to perfection.

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    Replies
    1. I'm good at biting ... human or chicken! Though chicken tastes better! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Such an ordeal to get your chair back. :) Check your mail tomorrow.

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  7. I've long since learned that just because a cat jumps in your lap (or near me, in my case) that doesn't necessarily mean you're allowed to touch them! Sheesh, how confusing!

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    Replies
    1. SEE! My Momma must be especially dense ... or I'm just irresistible! Oh, the drawbacks of being THIS handsome! ~Bear Cat

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