Wednesday, February 17, 2016

DramaCat vs. DiaboliCat

I'm completely fascinated by the inner workings of the feline mind; as I've said before, besides functioning as odes to my favorite feline, many of my posts focus on, "What are our cats THINKING?" What do they really think about humans? Do they really think humans are out to "get" them and make their lives as frustrating as possible? How do they interpret our behavior? What assumptions are fundamental to their thinking, but completely inaccurate (examples - How does Bear explain snow? And does Bear think his micey are "real"? How would he know the difference if he's never encountered a "real" mouse?)? Are they master con artists or just drama queens? When they throw temper tantrums are they REALLY in pain or is it all an act? The best example of this in Bear's case is when I clip his claws; I've asked his vet at least FIVE separate times if there's any POSSIBLE way it could hurt him because he throws such a fit. And I have to admit that I still harbor doubts - I just don't ask anymore because, from the looks I got from the vet and vet techs, I'm surely already the laughing stock of the practice just by asking that question more than once.

This post is a bit random in that the first dialogue doesn't really tie to the second one, other than the questions they both raise about what really goes on in cats' minds. What do you think? Is Bear DramaCat or DiaboliCat or some combination of the two? Do you think Momma's slightly paranoid for coming up with DiaboliCat? Which do you think best describes your cat(s)? That's the thing about cats . . . you never actually KNOW without a doubt . . . so the best you can do is fumble around and hope everything turns out for the best. But if cats really do view us humans as complete morons, the "fumbling around" no doubt confirms their suspicions.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Bear shares his feelings on winter:
BC: I hate winter!
MK: Okay. I'll bite. Why?
BC: You'll bite me?
MK: No, I meant I'll indulge your line of thinking. I usually know better, but sometimes I get curious.
BC: AHHHHHH! Momma's going to sink her teeth into my luscious, succulent loins! I KNEW she was trying to assassinate me! I'll go the way of the dinosaurs into her big belly! Bye, cozy cat tree! Farewell, teddy! So long, micey! I must remember to dictate my will.
{Pause}
BC: My will . . . I think I've adequately expressed you during my lifetime . . . as I do not accept "no" as an answer . . .  
MK: Let's do this over again.
BC: So you won't bite me?
MK: No.
BC: I hate winter.
MK: Why?
BC: It's cold! And that leads to all kinds of accompanying problems.
MK: Like?
BC: NO! I don't LIKE it! Are you even LISTENING?
MK: What "accompanying" problems?
BC: First, you wear sweatshirts, long pants, and thick socks around all the time. How am I expected to communicate my wrath when my fangs can't puncture your skin through the material?
MK: I guess you'll have to be satisfied with the scars you inflict the rest of the year.
BC: You jest, but yet know so little.
MK: Not ALWAYS looking like I met the wrong end of a barbed wire fence . . . one of my favorite parts of winter.
BC: I hate you, but I can't declare that in any consequential, fulfilling way! I'm left disillusioned and disgruntled! You should show reverence for my lethiferous nature! You should be frightened by my voracity for gore! You should TREMBLE at the mention of "Bear Cat!"
MK: Does it count that I go soft inside thinking of my favorite, snuggly kitten?
BC: Phht. Snuggly kitten. HARDLY.
MK: It still startles me when you run up behind me and bite the back of my leg and then take off.
BC: Now THAT is what I'm talking ABOUT. You stand there like a big juicy dumb sausage, oblivious to and unaware of the danger, and BAM! I bite you. You don't even see it coming! Then I run to safety before you even knew what bit you!
MK: Because I'm always in the middle of something: I'm washing my face, brushing my teeth, washing dishes, or standing in the middle of the room trying to remember where I was in my list of tasks. And okay, it's a little weird when you attack me when I'm standing still. How much fun can ambushing a "big, juicy, dumb sausage" be?
BC: Oh, how little you know about the minds of us brutal, ruthless, and merciless felines!
MK: You mean that you're all just a bit unstable and erratic?
BC: You act like that's not part of our charm. I don't see YOU getting a dog.
MK: Touche.
BC: No, TOO slobbery, amiable, submissive, and malleable. 
MK: Why else do you dislike winter?
BC: During winter, you get away with clipping my claws and other horrendous atrocities because I can't bite through your sweatshirt!
MK: So you don't like that I get my way three months out of the year.
BC: I'm a cat! There's only ONE "way!" MINE! Did you forget my "will," as I dictated earlier?!?
MK: You still gnaw on my arm. You clamp down one way, then get mad I can't feel it, then find a new bite hold . . .
BC: And I get screwed! I'm a vicious biting and gnawing MACHINE!

BC: See, that's the problem! You should be overcome with pain and fear! But it's like you don't even FEEL it! When I put in an order for a home, I SPECIFICALLY asked for a momma with a low pain tolerance! And I got YOU! Even when you feel the full wrath of my feline furry fury . . . you hardly flinch! You suck too!
MK: Why else does winter bother you?
BC: I freeze my little tail off if I manage to escape outside. And my poor little paws! It's YOUR fault!
MK: How's that? You're the one that runs outside!
BC: I don't understand why for only three months of the year, you make it freezing cold. If you really wanted to keep me inside, you'd make it cold year-round.
MK: Maybe because I have no control over the outside temperature?
BC: Yeah. right. You just like messing with me - one day it's nippy and I almost lose my tail to frost-bite, and the next I'm in kitty heaven!
MK: Anything else?
BC: During the winter, the grass tastes like . . . well, you'll bleep that . . . and that . . . poop!
MK: I see the problem. You escape in anticipation of a bountiful grass buffet and only find cold and nasty grass.
BC: Grass BOO-FAY! Everyone loves a fresh grass buffet!
MK: You forgot about the cold white stuff.
BC: Yeah! All the white bugs COVER the BOO-FAY! Well, let them have the poopy grass!
MK: Do you remember the time I carried you out in the snow and you freaked out and ended up on my back?
BC: You dropped me!
MK: I did not. You climbed on my back because a car backfired and you launched yourself over my head and landed in the foot deep snow.
BC: The little white bugs you call "snow" were all over me! I took care of them! After I got inside, they'd all been defeated and disappeared! I'm just THAT badass.
MK: Winter's not all bad.
BC: What do you know? You don't even lick your own butt!
MK: One of my favorite parts of winter is that it's perfect for unlimited snuggling with my favorite kitty!
{Silence}
MK: Don't tell me you don't enjoy the extra snuggles!
{Silence while Bear stares at Momma}
MK: Bear?
BC: You said don't tell you! But then you get mad when I listen to you! You confuse me! 
MK: You purr!
BC: You fart! I don't take that personally! Why would you take my purring personally?
MK: Because you rub up against me and curl up on top of me.
BC: Because I'm COLD! Hmph. A little conceited aren't we! Thinking I snuggle for MY happiness. NO! I'm just COLD!
MK: Plus, during winter, your plumage is thick, luxurious, and gorgeous!
BC: My plumage is ALWAYS all of those things! I'm the envy of the cathood. Thank you for NOT noticing.
MK: And there are no annoying bugs in winter . . . no mosquitoes, no ants, no gnats . . . not that you care. You're scared of mosquitoes and ignore ants and gnats unless you think they're trying to kill you.
BC: Obviously. I want to save as many of my lives as possible for fun things! And there are bugs! Those white things you call snow!
{Pause}
BC: Speaking of bugs, are you an ant?
MK: I don't think so.
BC: Then why do the tiny people call you Ant Katherine?
MK: Those "tiny" people are my niece and nephew. I'm the female version of an uncle to them. Only it's spelled, "A-U-N-T." Not "A-N-T."
BC: Phew. I was scared you were a mutant genetic disaster. And really fat for an ant.
MK: Thanks, Bear.
BC: And you're also too lazy to be a real ant.
MK: These conversations always make me feel SOO much better.
BC: Why?
{Pause}
BC: Oh. You were being sarcastic.
{Pause}
BC: Will you rub Bear's big belly?
MK: Is your belly cold?
BC: No . . . what . . . 
{Pause}
BC: RATS!

Later that same day . . . 
Momma finds this picture from "The Best Cat Page" on Facebook . . . and laughs.

Within an hour {TRUE story} . . .

What ACTUALLY happened:
MK: WHA? Oh crap! Bear! I'm SOOOOOO sorry! I didn't know you were sitting behind me! I'm sorry I backed into you! Come back! I didn't mean to hurt you!
{Momma runs after Bear into the other room}
MK: {GASP} You're not HURT, are you? What? You can't be scared of me? You being scared of me is the worst thing that could happen! I can't take this! Please forgive me! Here! I'm putting out my hand! I swear I won't hurt you! Sniff my hand! Let me pet you! PLEASE?!?!
{Bear runs in his corner, hiding under his cat tree . . . and Momma follows . . . again}
MK: OH! This is even worse than I thought! You don't have to hide in your corner! Don't be afraid of me! I can't take that! PLEASE come out! Please let me pet you! I'll do anything!!!  I promise I won't hurt you! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! Please let me love you! I'm SOOOO sorry. I'm a horrible Momma! A horrible person!
MK: Oooooh. Whisker loves. See? Momma's not going to hurt you! I love you, Bear! I'm so sorry I backed into you without realizing you were there!

DramaCat (what Bear MIGHT hear):
MK: Bear! I'm NOT sorry! Serves you right for sneaking up behind me! I should have stepped on you too! Come back! I want to kill you!
{Momma menacingly chases Bear into the other room}
MK: You're not hurt? Damn! You SHOULD be scared of me! VERY scared! You have no idea of what I'm capable of! You not being scared of me is foolish! FEEL my POWER! I rule this house! I'm the boss! I bet you're stupid enough to sniff the hand I'm putting out so I can finish the job! {Cackles} I swear I'll get you this time! Sniff my hand! Let me pet you! I want to KILL you as painfully and cruelly as possible!
{Bear runs in his corner, hiding under his cat tree . . . cowering in fear and Momma evilly pursues him, again}
MK: OH! You MUST die! You think you're so smart hiding in your corner . . . but I will GET you! It's only a matter of time! I'll wait forever! You should be afraid of me! I WILL have your beautiful plumage! Come out! It's no use to resist! I'll do anything to kill you!!!  I promise I'll make it as painful as possible! I'm not scared of you! I'm proud of my nefarious and malevolent intentions! I'm a horrible Momma! A horrible person! And I'm NOT sorry! My only regret is that I can only kill you once!
MK: Oooooh. I see I have lured you with your weakness for ear rubs. Just wait . . . I will bide my time . . . your end is near! Hahaha!
OR . . .
DiaboliCat (what Bear MIGHT think):
MK: WHA? Oh crap! Bear! I'm sorry! I didn't know you were sitting behind me! I'm sorry I backed into you! Come back! I didn't mean to hurt you!
BC: {thinking} Moron! Watch where you're going! Can humans be any stupider? Or more annoying? Clumsy oafs! Of course, I sat here quietly . . . just waiting for her to back into me . . . how else am I going to guilt her into TREATS!?!?!
{Momma runs after Bear into the other room}
MK: {GASP} You're not HURT, are you? What? You can't be scared of me? You being scared of me is the worst thing that could happen! I can't take this! Please forgive me! Here! I'm putting out my hand! I swear I won't hurt you! Sniff my hand! Let me pet you! PLEASE?!?!
BC: {thinking} You're pathetic! And weak! Grab hold of yourself woman! I will make you regret your existence before we're done! Note to self: act very scared . . . dubious . . . make her think she's crushed your soul . . .
{Bear runs in his corner, hiding under his cat tree . . . and Momma follows . . . again}
MK: OH! This is even worse than I thought! You don't have to hide in your corner! Don't be afraid of me! I can't take that! PLEASE come out! Please let me pet you! I'll do anything!!!  I promise I won't hurt you! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! Please let me love you! I'm SOOOO sorry. I'm a horrible Momma! A horrible person!
BC: {thinking} Don't shove your stupid hand in my face! {sigh} So annoying! These humans are ridiculous! Like I'd be scared of your dumb butt! Phht! I have claws and fangs! I could drop you easily and have you crying out in agony! Okay. This has been fun, but I think I've had enough. TREAT TIME! If I play this JUST right, I'll probably get TREATS AND ear rubs. "Let" her pet me in 5, and 4. and 3. and . . . tentative now . . . going for hesitant and skeptical . . . 2, and 1!
MK: Oooooh. Whisker loves. See? Momma's not going to hurt you! I love you, Bear! I'm so sorry I backed into you without realizing you were there!
BC: {thinking} Another day, another show.  She makes it too easy. What a wimp. And a sucker. Works every single time! And here it comes . . . 
MK: Treats?
BC: {thinking} FINALLY!

What do you think about the second half of this post? Do you enjoy the conjectures about the feline mind? Should I do more?

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