Saturday, January 2, 2016

"Celebrating" the New Year

While 2015 was an eventful year in the Momma Kat household, it was also filled with lots of stress. After beginning our blog in March with Welcome to Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat and the story about how Bear and Momma Kat met, the day after the first post, Momma discovered a hard lump in Bear's back that resulted in surgery and a description of the experience in Too Close to a Nightmare I Couldn't Handle. So while Bear and I have been incredibly lucky that the tumor was benign and that our blog has gained a steady following, both of which we are profoundly grateful for, we hope the new year will be full of fun and crazy posts to share with our readers. Of course, Bear will continue his quest for tasty whole chickens and Momma will continue to explain things to Bear - with hilarious, if not frustrating results. 

While the New Year's Eve dialogue was first published on Momma Kat's Facebook page, the other two dialogues are new.


BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


New Year's Eve
BC: AHHHH! They're coming for me! They're coming for me! Hold me! I'm scared! No! HIDE me! They won't take me alive!

MK: What the HECK are you talking about?
BC: All those booms! The aliens are coming for me! They've invaded the Earth!
MK: What aliens?
BC: The ones that talk to and threaten me when I have the crazies. DUH! They've always said they'll come for me, but I didn't believe them! OH, WOE! It was a nice life! Well . . . mostly. You might learn a thing or two . . .
{Pause}
BC: I'm dying! Ddddddyyyyyying! Bye, Momma! I guess you were okay in the end!
MK: BEAR! Breathe!
BC: Don't tell me to BREATHE! Is that some kind of cruel joke? Aliens are out to kill me! I can't breathe if I'm dead!
MK: All those booms are celebratory.
BC: WHAT? The world is so cruel as to celebrate the alien invasion that will rid this planet of cats?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: TRAITOR! You KNEW! And you didn't warn me!
MK: Bear, it's the celebration of the new year . . . 2016.
BC: The new . . .
{Pause}
BC: PHHT. I KNEW THAT! But do you think you could keep it down? I was napping!
MK: I'm not making any noise.
BC: But surely you are in charge of the festivities!
MK: Suuuuure. One . . . two . . . three! Booms be gone! POOF!
{Pause}
{Quiet}
BC: Whooooooooooa! Thank you!
MK: I didn't . . . for new years, the booms are just for a few . . . oh, never mind.
BC: Less talking and more napping . . . unless you feel like fooding?


New Year's Day
BC: PAR-TAY! Let's par-tay!
MK: Any ideas?
BC: Catnip?
MK: Every time I've bought you catnip, you've ignored it.
BC: Well, did I KNOW it was catnip?
MK: That's not the point! Either you go nuts over catnip or you don't. Whether you know it's catnip or not is beside the point!
BC: You tricked me!
MK: What?!?!
BC: I bet you gave me non-nippy catnip.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: You know, like non-alcoholic beer?
MK: Never mind.
BC: So you admit it!
MK: No. I just know you aren't subject to reason.
BC: Not subject to . . . lemme subject you to my booty call!
MK: Bear! Fart if you must, but you are not allowed to use that term.
BC: Booty call, booty call, booty call!
MK: I suppose you got your party.
BC: How?
MK: You're hopping around like a bunny and shouting, "booty call."
BC: Phht. You have no life. OBVIOUSLY you'd think that was a party.
MK: Because I don't have fun knocking stuff in the toilet? Or ripping up carpet?
BC: HEY! Have you ever tried either of my favorite hobbies?
MK: No.
BC: Then you wouldn't know! YOUR idea of a party includes clipping my claws, brushing my teeth, and washing my face!
MK: No, that's my idea of hell. I like doing those things even less than I like taking you to the vet.
BC: YOU ADMIT IT! You enjoy causing me pain and torturing me!
MK: There are tons of ways to celebrate the new year.
BC: New year? It's a new year? I just wanted to party.
MK: You mean cause trouble.
BC: You'll NEVER understand!
MK: True. I don't enjoy being a pain in the butt to others.
BC: Liar! You admitted that you ENJOYED brushing my teeth . . . of course, you admitted you enjoyed it less than taking me to the vet . . . but you still enjoy it!
MK: Oh, Bear.
BC: Don't "Oh, Bear," me! I HATE YOU!
MK: Let the party begin!
BC: WHERE?
{Pause}
BC: I also hate your sarcasm!


January 2 of the new year
BC: It's a new year.
MK: Yes, it is.
BC: I think I'm going to rearrange my priorities.
MK: You mean like a new year's resolution?
BC: Do you have any resolutions?
MK: No.
BC: No wonder you never improve! How about working on your hideous singing (not at home of course), or whatever it is that you call "dancing" (again, NOT here), or you could resolve to give me more tasty whole chickens.
MK: You don't have any tasty whole chickens.
BC: My point EXACTLY!
MK: So I should resolve to do better at things that would make you happier?
BC: Obviously. Everything is about me. Maybe you could resolve to cut out kibble from my diet?
MK: Is that your resolution? To go on a diet? Hahaha.
BC: I'm not laughing. I bet if your sense of humor improved, our blog would have more readers.
MK: Why is it always my fault?
BC: My dear . . . because I am ABSOLUTELY fabulous. Everyone loves me.
MK: Hmmm . . . pet peeves . . . pun intended. Otherwise known as "cat logic."
BC: Wait?!? WHAT?
MK: Let's see. You always paw your kibble out of your food bowl onto the mat - and then eat it off the mat. However, when your bowl is in the dishwasher with all the kibble from the bowl poured out on your mat, you sit on the counter above the dishwasher for the ENTIRE cycle, waiting for it to finish and act like you're STARVING even though you have tons of kibble on your mat.
BC: I don't know . . .
MK: And THEN! You always try to steal whatever I'm using . . . my pen, a bow I stuck on a finished present, the tax form I'm signing . . . but when I give you a pen or a bow or a piece of paper of your own, you turn your nose up and act like you could care less.
BC: Well, but . . .
MK: Then there's also that you have no compunctions waking me up because you want attention - even when you only let me pet you for five seconds and then attack me. And you watch me in the bathroom, stare at me while I'm working, and stare at me as I eat.
BC: I don't want to miss . . .
MK: HOWEVER. If I wake you up - even to pull your cat bed back on the perch so you don't slide off the back, or I stare at you, or I accidentally catch sight of you in the litter box, or I'm anywhere within sight of you when you eat, you give me a dirty look and get pissy.
BC: Well, yeah . .
MK: OH! I forgot the times I accidentally catch sight of you grooming yourself. You act like I'm breaking some foundational commandment of cat ownership.
BC: You don't OWN me!
MK: Uh, oh.
BC: I don't BELONG to you either! I don't NEED you! You should resolve to see that I'm my own cat and I'm the boss around here! If I'm not happy, NO ONE is happy!
MK: Oh. And another pet peeve? I can  whip your cat toys around and go nuts trying to entertain you . . . only to drop the toy to go to the bathroom, from where I can then hear you playing with the toy yourself and having a merry good time. And when I come back out? You act like the toy has cooties!
BC: WAIT! This was about ME! And MY priorities! It's not "Attack Bear Viciously Day!"
MK: I'm just pointing out that you have your quirks just as much as my singing and dancing to de-stress.
BC: Singing and dancing should be in quotes: "singing" and "dancing." And your "de-stressing" becomes MY "distressing!"
MK: You could resolve to stop saying, "I HATE YOU!"
BC: But I DO hate you! If I said, "I strongly dislike you!" it wouldn't have the same effect.
MK: You saying it ten times a day pretty much means it doesn't have ANY effect. Especially because most of those times are followed up with a, "You're the best Momma, EVER!"
BC: Fishy bribes! Not that I'm complaining . . . can I have a fishy bribe now?
MK: No.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: You still haven't told me about your rearranged priorities.
BC: You know how my first life mission was to catch the little red dot?
MK: Yes.
BC: I've grown bored with the little red dot. 
MK: Is that why you ignore it now?
BC: It's just a tease. And I like things I can sink my fangs and my claws into. So now, the little red dot's moved down to AT LEAST number seven, and catching the little fast-typing elves in the printer is my number one life mission.
MK: Do you still have a life mission for each of your nine lives?
BC: OBVIOUSLY. 
MK: What are your other life missions?
BC: Number three, number four, and number five are classified. 
MK: What's number two?
BC: To learn how to use my paws like opposable thumbs . . . which is related to number three.
MK: Taking over the world?
BC: RATS! 
MK: And number four is getting rid of my camera?
BC: How did you . . . Of COURSE not. Haha. Good one.
MK: Anything else you want to share with our readers?
BC: I have lots of plans for the new year . . . lots of new ways to annoy Momma . . . and maybe THIS year will be the year I finally get a tasty whole chicken and become an all black cat (SO cool!). I still have hopes that all cats will have homes with loving Mommas just like mine . . . as long as they don't try to live here. Bear doesn't share!

Momma Kat and Bear Cat wish our readers all the best in the new year. If you share your life with a cat (or more than one), you're already well on your way!

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