Friday, July 31, 2015

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 8

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things: Momma's sadness, Bear's qualifications for President, fishy, Bible stories, Meow McQuacky-Pants, and Bear's food time. If you missed those extended "conversations" that are deserving of their own blog posts, you can find them: {HERE}{HERE}, {HERE}, and {HERE}

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations" {HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}, {HERE}, and {HERE}.

Here's a sample of the shorter dialogues from the past few weeks (some already posted to Momma Kat's Facebook page):

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


On smells from the litter box:
MK: Holy crap - what is that smell?
BC: La-dee-da-dee-da.
MK: Can't you cover that?
BC: Can't you clean my litter box?
MK: I haven't gotten to it yet.
BC: Neither have I.
MK: Touche.
BC: You mean "too smelly."


On Momma's "iniquity:"
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Eating.
BC: Then why did you look down your shirt and then lift it up? I wasn't expecting those activities to start until later!
MK: Part of my orange got away.
BC: Ooooookay.
MK: And it flipped inside the neck of my shirt.
BC: I don't want to know! That's YOUR business. I just wanted to be sure the iniquity hadn't started yet. Remember, I need 15 minutes notice beforehand so I can use the litter box, grab a snack, and hide under the bed before the festivities begin.
MK: Wait a second! What do you think goes on around here? Iniquity? Festivities? I have no life!
BC: You said it, not me.
MK: {mumbling to herself} Iniquity? Really? What the heck? I do absolutely nothing that is even questionable much less vulgar!
BC: You're talking to yourself, shall I leave you two alone?
MK: I am not the crazy one here! Bear? Bear! Where did you go?
BC: Says the one who talks to herself and sees Bears where there are none.
MK: I KNOW YOU EXIST!


On picking sides:
MK: Bear! Come cuddle with Momma!
BC: No thanks. I'm on a spidey watch. I must keep myself alert and focused!
MK: Bear, you've been stalking that spider all night!
BC: I know! And then he disappeared when I took a break to grab a bite to eat. Wait . . .
MK: Yes. I chased him under something.
BC: Traitor! How am I ever going to teach these spiders who's boss if you keep protecting them from me? Can you at least give me a hint of what you chased him under?
MK: No.
BC: I don't like you right now.
MK: That's OK. The spider does.
BC: Great for you! Because he's the only chance of cuddling you're going to get tonight!


On "The Bear Show:"
BC: MomMA!
MK: What's wrong?
BC: My paw got wet!
MK: Seriously?
BC: YES! There's a wet spot in the carpet and now my paw is wet.
MK: How'd the wet spot get there?
BC: Did you pee there? Is this some kind of behavioral problem where you want my attention?
MK: Noooo. As I remember, some cat gobbled down his treat and then yakked it back up - which then Momma had to clean up.
BC: Whatever. MY PAW IS WET! And all you can talk about is what happened 15 minutes ago!
MK: Bear! You stick your paw in your water bowl, walk through puddles outside and generally find lots of ways to get your paws wet on purpose . . . this is NOT a catastrophe!
BC: But I didn't WANT it to be wet. I'm melting! Mmmmm . . . eeee . . . lllll . . . tttttttt . . . iiiiiii . . . nnnnnnn . . . gggg . . .
MK: I think you'll survive.
BC: Why do you keep pointing the remote at me and pressing buttons?
MK: I don't feel like tuning in to this episode of, "The Bear Show."
BC: Humph! You think you're so funny. I see your show stuck on reruns of the hairball channel!


On miracles:
Update to past blog post {if you missed it, found {HERE}}
BC: MoooooooomMMMMMMA!
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: This walking on water thing is overrated!
MK: Do you need a towel?
BC: I'm insulted! How rude of you to underestimate my abilities!
MK: One towel coming up!
BC: A fluffy one, please. With no added fragrance: if I end up smelling like roses or lilacs or whatever the shazam, I'm not going to be happy. And no pink! Thank you.
BC: And if you bring your camera in here it's going to "walk" on water next!
MK: I know this is somewhat confusing, but while most of the Bible is instructive, either explicitly, or by example, we are not meant to copy EVERYTHING that is described in the Bible.
BC: NOW you tell me! With all these miracles, I was starting to wonder if I had it in me to be a godly kitty after all. I guess I should be thankful you told me before I tried to cast demons into a herd of swine. That could have been nasty.
MK: Amen.


On being civilized:
{Momma walks around folding the laundry and putting it away; meanwhile, Bear runs behind her as she moves around - following her repeatedly on her rounds toward the kitchen, his food bowl, the front door and the bedroom as if he is expecting something}
BC: Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
BC: Meoooow! Meoooow! Meoooow! Meoooow! Meoooow!
BC: Mmmmmeeeow! Mmmmmeeeow! Mmmmmeeeow! Mmmmmeeeow!
BC: MEEEEEEEEOOOOW! MEEEEEEEEOOOOW! MEEEEEEEEOOOOW! MEEEEEEEEOOOOW!
MK: You aren't dying! We don't need all this drama, Bear.
BC: I'll show you drama! {Bear bites Momma's foot}
MK: We're civilized here. If there is something you want, you can ask for it, but that doesn't guarantee you'll get it.
BC: Civilized? Is that like tamed? Bear is not tamed.
MK: If you want to play you can bring me a mousie or your string. I can't read your mind.
BC: Do I look like a dog? And if you were "civilized" you could read my mind. It's not all that complicated: food, food, food, loves, sleep, food, loves, play, loves, food, sleep, outside, loves, food, play, sleep, loves. Oh! I forgot bites. Some times I need to remind you that I'm alive and remind you of your place in the hierarchy of my home.
MK: Don't I always give you attention when you want it?
BC: No. You've been in front of the stupid computer for hours!
MK: And how many times did I try to pet you only to be bitten?
BC: Whatever.
MK: That doesn't exactly motivate me to reach out and pet you.
BC: Your logic makes no sense to me. Clearly you are having a failure of your intellectual capacity. "Civilized!" Ha!


On baby talk:
MK: Look! It's the kitty cat! How's Momma's cute wittle kitty cat? Did you miss your Momma? I bet you did, didn't you! You are just soooo cute, come here so I can pet you. I missed my kitty cat!
BC: I hate when you come home from visiting the kiddos - you baby talk me for weeks afterward!
MK: Oh no! Are you a wittle bit upset? Can Momma make it all better? How about a kiss?
BC: Do you want to die?
MK: You're just being a grumpy wumpy puss. Let Momma love you!
BC: Die painfully?
MK: But I just love you so so much! Ugga-mugga?
BC: Only if you want to lose your nose.


On proper water bowl etiquette:
BC: Did you just step in my water bowl?
MK: Yes.
BC: Why?
MK: I didn't do it on purpose. I'm still not used to having your food and water bowls in the second bedroom and I was too lazy to turn the light on.
BC: But that's MY water bowl. Only my micey, my string, and I can take a bath in there. If you want to take a bath - you have to find somewhere else.
MK: I didn't do it on purpose! Are you laughing?
BC: No . . . yes.
MK: I'm glad I entertain you.
BC: The best part? You don't even mean to!


On ferociousness:
BC: Momma! Momma! Look! I'z a ferocious tiger!
MK: "I'z?"
BC: That's part of my ferociousness! Don't I look scary?
MK: I'm scared.
BC: I'z KILL you. MROWWW!
MK: Should I run away?
BC: You don't make this very fun. You don't seem all that scared.
MK: I'm trembling on the inside.
BC: Is that more or less scared than trembling on the outside?
MK: More scared. I'm so scared I can't even manage to tremble on the outside.
BC: Oooh! That's SCARED! I feel myself drowning in power. I'm so scary, I scare myself!
MK: Can I help?
BC: Can I have some snuggles?
MK: Absolutely.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, ferocious tiger.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


On "losing" Pinky:
{Momma turns on the garbage disposal and a horrible grinding sound pierces the otherwise quiet night}
MK: What the hell?
{Momma turns it off and sticks her hand down there to find the offending item}
MK: What the holy hell is a mousie doing down there? BEAR!
{Bear saunters into the kitchen and sees Momma holding the mangled mousie}
BC: Uhph! WHAT DID YOU DO TO PINKY? OH PINKY! Pinky! Come back to me! I can't live without you! {Turning to Momma} It's not enough to torture me with your singing and dancing . . . now you have to torture my micey too? You should be ashamed! How do you sleep at night! I'll never forgive you. I hate you!
MK: How was I supposed to know a mousie was down there?
BC: Why didn't you check first?
MK: Because it didn't even cross my mind that a mousie could be down the kitchen sink! And how did it get there?
BC: Do you really want to know?
MK: No.
BC: Fine. Next time, check. You never know. Your credit card or your phone or your toothbrush might end up down there next.
MK: My credit card buys your food.
BC: You wouldn't let me starve.
MK: Keep dropping your toys down the kitchen sink and we'll see about that.
BC: Give me Pinky! I must make sure she receives a proper burial!
MK: If I find her in the toilet, you're grounded.
BC: Note to self: learn how to flush the toilet.
MK: Note to self: Bear will never get an allowance.


On Momma's grumpiness:
BC: Why are sleeping all the time?
MK: I'm tired.
BC: Why are you so tired? Even I don't sleep that much!
MK: After 3 days of chasing around two very cute munchkins, Momma is exhausted. I'm a lightweight and have to give a lot of credit to parents that can do it all the time {especially the one parent households}.
BC: You never get that tired with me. I feel screwed.
MK: Maybe because you sleep 18 hours per day? That gives me more resting time than most parents get.
BC: I think you should play with me more.
MK: When I play with you, for the first 15 minutes, I'm essentially playing with myself.
BC: But I'm watching. I'm trying to help you lose weight.
MK: I don't need to lose weight.
BC: Says you.
MK: Can I go back to sleep?
BC: But I want stuff.
MK: Like?
BC: A whole chicken. A cattle prod. A toaster . . .
MK: All things you won't get regardless of whether I'm sleeping or not.
BC: You're clearly grumpy from lack of sleep.
MK: Then let me sleep!
BC: Grumpy. Where's the fun in that?
MK: Life is not 100% fun.
BC: Grumpy.
MK: Would you like to cuddle?
BC: Will you pet me?
MK: Until I fall asleep.
BC: Grumpy.
MK: You can't constantly call me grumpy just because you aren't getting what you want!
BC: Ogre.
MK: Fine. Can I go to sleep now?
BC: As long as you know that I'm being neglected.
MK: Clearly.
BC: Carry on.


On keeping up with Bear's moods:
BC: Ooooooooohhhhhh. Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I love you, Momma! You're like the best ear-rubber ever! And the back scratches . . . ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . nice. You are the best Momma EVER! Oooh, yes, the belly rub . . .
MK: I love you too, Be . . .
BC: CHOMP. Don't touch me! Ah! She's trying to kill me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: Lover kitty to biter kitty in 2 seconds.
BC: I believe it was 1.35 seconds. I've been practicing while you sleep.
MK: Good to know.
BC: Pet me. My ears are lonely.


On mousie bathing etiquette:
MK: BEAR! For crying out loud! Why do your micey always end up floating in your water bowl?
BC: Bluey is on soak.
MK: If you told me your micey were dirty, I'd wash them for you. But last time I washed them, you wouldn't touch them for two weeks.
BC: That's because you don't wash them right!
MK: What's the difference?
BC: You did not properly groom them after you washed them!
MK: I'm not going to lick each mousie dry! In fact, I'm not going to lick even one mousie dry!
BC: Then stop complaining when I give my micey baths!
MK: My patience escapes me.
BC: Welcome to every day of me living with you!


On missing Momma:
BC: MOMMA! You're home! Oh! I'm so glad you're home! I love you, I LOVE YOU, ILOVEYOU! Pet me now. NOW. NOW!
MK: I love you too, Bear! And I missed you. But I was only gone 2 1/2 days.
BC: No, it was like 30 days!
MK: It was 2 1/2 days.
BC: 15 days.
MK: This isn't a negotiation.
BC: Bear doesn't negotiate. It was 10 days.
MK: Fine. My mistake.
BC: As usual. Now stop talking and PET ME!
MK: I can talk and pet you at the same time.
BC: It's not the same. All I hear is, "wa wa wa wa wa wa," and it distracts from my focus into the petting.
MK: So you didn't miss me, you just missed the loves.
BC: Not entirely.
MK: Aww . . . you do love me!
BC: No. I also missed my wet food treat.
MK: Of course.


On singing spiders:
MK: The spider fell in the trash.
BC: Ahhhhhh! You promised that if you just HAD to sing, that you'd do it in the car - outside of my hearing.
MK: What?
BC: The spider fell in the trash.
MK: The spider FELL IN the TRASH!
BC: See?!?!?
MK: No, it's not a song - a spider FELL IN the TRASH!
BC: So you've sang twenty times. What part of "no singing" do you not understand?
MK: NO! I was standing in front of the trash can and a spider fell off the wall into the trash.
BC: He probably heard you singing and kamikazied himself to spare the rest of us.
MK: I WASN'T SINGING! And last time I checked, spiders hate you because they never get away from you with all their legs intact.
BC: Don't assume you're in the know about Bear-Spider relations. We've been working together on mousie diplomacy.
MK: I don't want to know.
BC: Yes, ignorance is bliss for you humans.
MK: Never mind.
BC: So there's really a spider in the trash?
MK: Yes.
BC: Can you dump it all out so I can get Spidey?
MK: No.
BC: Party pooper.
MK: Says the cat who won't let me sing out loud in my own home.
BC: My home.
MK: My mistake.
BC: As always.


On Momma's dating prospects:
BC: Do you have a date?
MK: What?
BC: You know, that thing where you and a gentleman caller share an awkward social interaction with romantic possibilities? Or has it been so long that you've forgotten already?
MK: Bear!
BC: So who is he?
MK: No one!
BC: That's not a nice way to describe your potential future husband! No wonder you never get dates!
MK: I DON'T HAVE A DATE!
{Pause}
MK: You did that on purpose just to make me scream that I don't have a date, didn't you?
BC: The neighbors already know you have no life, so it's not like it's a surprise.


On Bear's tail pride:
BC: Momma? Are you awake? MomMA? MOMMA!
MK: What?
BC: Are you awake?
MK: What do you want?
BC: Isn't my tail pretty?
MK: Are you serious? You woke me up to ask me if your tail is pretty?
BC: No. I KNOW my tail is pretty, I just wanted to hear you say it.
MK: Your tail is pretty.
BC: I don't like the way you said that . . . there wasn't any feeling in it.
MK: Bear, your tail spends half of my waking hours, and come to think of it, half my sleeping hours too, in my face. It's pretty!
BC: Don't you like the black stripes? And how the other stripes are like six different colors all mixed up?
MK: I love your tail.
BC: THEN STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT BEING IN YOUR FACE!
BC: Do you want to touch my tail?
MK: No thanks. I like my fingers, hands and arms just the way they are.
BC: But you WANT to touch it, right?
MK: Oh for crying out loud!
BC: I'm waiting.
MK: Yes, I want to touch it.
BC: Just wanted to make sure. Plus boundaries. Now I know you know what they are.
MK: Can I go back to sleep now?
BC: Whatever. How about I lay next to you so that my tail is right in front of your eyes, so you can admire my tail while you fall asleep?
MK: Do I have a choice?
BC: Not if you were planning to go back to sleep.
MK: Lovely.
BC: I know! I LOVE my tail!

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time

How seriously does Bear take his food time? And how much drama or chaos can one cat stir up in one conversation? And is Momma telling the truth about Meow McQuacky-Pants or did she really "like" him? Sit back and enjoy the crazy things Momma never imagined she'd ever say out loud . . .

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

SUNDAY:
{Bear jumps down from his cat tree and runs to the kitchen as Momma is carrying in her dirty dishes}
BC: FOOD! FOOD! FOOD TIME! BEAR HUNGRY! FEED BEAR NOW! NOW! MROW!
MK: Bear, it's not your food time.
BC: But you just finished eating! That means it's Bear's food time!
MK: Only once a day - not after every meal.
BC: So you get to eat all the time, but I can't?
MK: You always have a bowl full of dry food.
BC: Crap food!
MK: Bear!
BC: I'm starving and I'm grumpy! How am I supposed to know after which of your luxurious, not crap-food-meals, is my food time?
MK: Why don't you just relax and let me remember - I always do.
BC: You'd forget or put it off forever!
MK: Bear, you weigh almost 15 pounds, you are not in danger of starving.
BC: Neither are you! But you still eat yummy food more than once a day.
MK: Bear, I wouldn't forget to feed you.
BC: Only because you have me to remind you to feed me. If I "trusted" you, I'd waste away to 14 pounds!
MK: And the vet would be pleased.
BC: Who? Meow McQuacky-Pants?
MK: Bear! You only saw McQuack ONCE! Eight years ago! It's time to get over it!
BC: But we still go to the same place!
MK: In eight years of checkups and emergencies, we've never had a problem getting in with someone else in the practice.
BC: But I could have to see him again.
MK: We could also get in a car accident on the way to the vet.
BC: I KNEW cars weren't safe! That's it! NO MORE trips to the vet.
MK: How convenient.
BC: You want me to risk my life in a death trap!
MK: Bear! Breathe!
BC: Hey! Meow McQuacky-Pants didn't fold you in his arms, bring his nose to your nose, stare deeply into your eyes and then meow on and on like he knew cat language!
MK: For once, you aren't exaggerating what happened. But it's not the end of the world that his manner didn't match what we're comfortable with!
BC: You don't even know what he said to me!
MK: So did he meow LIKE he knew cat language or did he actually know cat language well enough to say something horrible?
BC: I can't believe you're defending him!
MK: Just because we didn't like him doesn't mean he's not good at what he does! We just don't see him again!
BC: Maybe he's just a vet to pick up chicks.
MK: I doubt it, he was wearing a ring.
BC: YOU CHECKED! TRAITOR!
MK: Not quite. Okay, yes, he was cute, but I only checked for a ring after the meow incident because I wanted to believe that it wasn't something he did to impress me. And I felt better knowing it probably wasn't.
BC: YOU WOULD HAVE MARRIED MEOW MCQUACKY-PANTS! I could have been 'Bear McQuacky-Pants!'
MK: Bear . . .
BC: You wanted him to fold YOU into his arms, nose to nose, looking deeply in your eyes and meowing in your face!
MK: Bear . . .
BC: We didn't go back to him because you were jealous! Not because of his "manner."
MK: Bear . . .
BC: WAIT! You only have me to pick up male vets! You let some other guy slice me open like a watermelon just because you LIKED him!
MK: Bear . . .
BC: And you didn't cry for me, but because he didn't ask you out!
MK: BEAR! You had an infected tumor!
BC: Leave me out of your ploys for male attention!
MK: And besides, I think he was married too.
BC: YOU CHECKED? What is wrong with you?
MK: Bear, with you in my life, I don't need any more drama or high maintenance males.
BC: You want me to die! So you can shack up with some male vet who is gullible enough to comfort you!
MK: Oh for crying out loud! I'm not looking to hook up with anyone, much less someone who's responsible for your health care!
BC: Oh. Why didn't you say that before?
MK: Because you weren't listening! Bear? Bear? BEAR!
BC: Bear is not home at the moment. Please leave a message so I can ignore it. Thank you. BEEP!

MONDAY:
BC: {As Bear zooms around the house} FOOD TIME FOOD TIME FOOD TIME FOOD TIME. 
BC: IT'S MY FOOD TIME AND YOU ARE ON THE PHONE!
MK: Be patient!
BC: Who could be so important that my food time is delayed?
MK: Shhhh!
BC: What? You aren't even talking! How do I know you didn't just put the phone to your ear so you could pretend you're "too busy" to feed me?
MK: I'm LISTENING. You could benefit from learning how to listen. And be patient.
BC: You're talking to me - that's not really listening to whoever you're talking to is it?
MK: Bear!
BC: Is it Meow McQuacky-Pants?
MK: You just like saying that name. You've spent more time talking about him than you spent "folded" in his arms.
BC: So that's what this is about? You're jealous that I was the one folded in a man's arms! So you're trying to STARVE me!
MK: Are you trying to annoy me?
BC: Is it working?
MK: No.
BC: Then no, I am not trying to annoy you.
MK: There's only one person I talk to that drones on and on with lots of drama and other random crap that it's just easier to say "uh, huh" "great!" etc. than to try to cut short the conversation. 
BC: You shouldn't have answered the phone so close to my food time. That's what caller ID is for!
MK: {mumble, mumble, mumble} . . . . so help me!
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! Get off the counter!
BC: You said to help you! How do I get the refrigerator open?

MK: OFF the counter!
BC: You've reached Bear, I'm not available right now, please leave food or I'll give you a message. BEEP!
{CRASH!}
MK: BEAR!
{CRASH!}
MK: {To the person Momma is listening to on the phone} I have to go. Bear is knocking things off the counter.
Phone person: AGAIN? I don't get it . . . why don't you just make him stop? If it were me . . .

Bear investigates the counter that was under the item he just knocked off ... and considering Round 2. 

MK: {To the person on the phone} Yeah, I know. I think I just lost the toaster. I'll call you back.
Phone person: Well, you don't have to . . . it's not that important . . . and . . .
{Click}
MK: BEAR! This is NOT the way to get what you want.
BC: It worked didn't it?
MK: OFF the counter!
BC: But you're about to get my food out . . .
MK: OFF.
BC: You've reached Bear, I'm about to knock the microwave off the counter . . . leave a message and I'll call you back after my victory at Armageddon. BEEP!
MK: You are so lucky you don't have an off switch . . . or a plug. I can't even put you on "LOW."
BC: You can thank me now.
MK: Why?
BC: For saving you from the conversation on the phone. I get the feeling you are ungrateful.
MK: Bear . . .
BC: You know you want to.
MK: But I just have to call the person back!
BC: You're welcome. I'll be napping, so whatever. Not my problem. Food now.


NOTES:

  • Yes, the Meow McQuacky-Pants incident really happened; however, this was not the first time I met this particular vet. Before my (then) husband and I moved out of town, I took Kitty in for a final check up - and we had the same vet, but I wasn't impressed. One and a half years later, after I'd moved back with Bear, I totally forgot about the guy and didn't make a specific request for a different vet in the practice. At the end of the exam, he picked Bear up, held him nose to nose, looked in his eyes, and then started meowing. I could understand maybe a few meows while Bear was crouched on the table, but the eye contact and proximity seemed slightly aggressive and it was no wonder that my scared-y cat looked TERRIFIED - for all he knew, the vet might eat him (especially given Bear's fear of men in addition to all his other fears). Lucky for the vet, he never tried that with Kitty; I'm pretty sure he'd have lost his nose and maybe a few fingers. And in defense of the practice, the other vets are EXCELLENT. If I didn't know that before, the incident with Bear's tumor in March really proved to me that I made the right decision to stay with the practice, just make sure we never got Meow McQuacky-Pants again.
  • I don't recommend giving in to your cat's every whim as I did in the second conversation. I'm one of the most stubborn people on this planet and I hate that some times I just have to give in, but quite often, it's just easier to give Bear what he wants. I don't give in with his temper tantrums to avoid the vet, or his temper tantrums when I try to corral him back inside. I don't give him treats or food whenever he wants it. But I also know that other battles aren't worth it - like keeping him off the counters, or trying to prevent him from ripping things up, or making him wait for food when it really is his food time. For the first six months I had him, I tried a can full of pennies (loud noise), distraction, water bottles (squirting), putting him in a room by himself, and just about everything else I could think of. None of it made a difference. Not even a little bit. In fact, at least one of them made things worse (putting him in a room and closing the door). The only success I've had is ignoring the behavior. However, that is not always practical (like when he used to stick his paw in the toaster - so I unplugged it, and VOILA!, he quit doing it). I've learned prevention is just about the best I can do - keeping the counters mostly clear, taping cords to the wall, taping over parts of the carpet he loves to rip up, etc. As I said, some battles aren't worth it, but in general, I don't give in to whatever whim he has at the moment. Also of note, I haven't tried yelling and other expressions of anger. My belief is that there is a huge difference between fear and respect and I'd rather have a cat that misbehaves every so often than have a cat that is deathly afraid of me, but an angel. 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Bible Stories . . . For Cats

Given that a conceptual God and a conceptual cat seem mutually exclusive, with each being omniscient and omnipotent, one might think cats have no interest in God. However, for Bear, he feels right at home with God and the teachings of the Bible . . . maybe not quite as you'd expect, but since when does Bear ever conform to human expectations? Boring! Though Momma might be biased, Bear's uniqueness is one of his best qualities. 

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Momma?
MK: Yes, love bug?
BC: Can I have one of that animal that was in the story you read me last night?
MK: Which one?
BC: It ate a kid.
MK: Jonah?
BC: Yes! I want a 'Jonah!'
MK: No. Jonah was the kid . . . no, man. You want a whale?
BC: I think it's only fair, since you won't get me a whole chicken.
MK: You think a whale is a compromise for a whole chicken?
BC: Bear doesn't compromise.
MK: You can't eat a whale.
BC: I wasn't expecting to! I just want a friend.
MK: If you're that lonely, I can bring another cat into the household for you.
BC: You mean so I have some annoying pipsqueak following me around, asking inane questions and watching everything I do? 
MK: Like you did to Kitty, you mean.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about!
MK: How many squirt bottles did I empty on you?
BC: What's that got to do with anything? 
MK: I used the squirt bottles to stop the almost constant confrontations between the two of you since you followed her around, everywhere.
BC: I thought you were worried I was dehydrated! That's why I always acted grateful and opened my mouth!
MK: You didn't realize you were annoying Kitty?
BC: I wanted to be her friend! Clearly, cats don't make good friends.
MK: {mumbling} Like THAT'S a surprise! I wonder why?
BC: What?
MK: Nothing. You seem to make friends with the neighbor cats.
BC: That's just being nice. I don't want them to think I'm a human tool. And we have a neighborhood watch system in place.
MK: Oh, really? Against what?
BC: Bunnies, birds, squirrels, dogs . . .
MK: You seem to really like Bella though!
BC: Nah. Don't get me wrong, she's alright, but like?
MK: You knocked over and broke a heavy floor lamp getting from one window to another window for a better view!
BC: That is NOT what happened. I wanted to see whose butt she was sniffing.
MK: Oh yeah? So what happened to the blinds in the second bedroom . . . when you almost hung yourself trying to get in the best position to trade googly eyes with her?
BC: That's when I thought she was a kitten. I had to get your attention so we could rescue her! I was being sensitive!
MK: But she wasn't a kitten.
BC: We know that now . . . after years of her coming by and not growing. And by the way? We shall never speak of that incident again . . . 
MK: I'm sure she was flattered by your attention.
BC: I fell backwards out of the window! One minute I had my claw in the string attached to the blinds, and the next, BOOM! I disappeared.
MK: She was still there when you got back up on the windowsill! She probably didn't even notice you flailing out of the window.
{Pause: as Momma and Bear stare at each other}
BC: As I said, we'll never talk of that again.
MK: Oh, Bear. So you want a whale for a friend?
BC: Affirmative.
MK: They live in water, where would we put it?
BC: Duh! My water bowl!
MK: I don't think your water bowl is big enough . . .
BC: Then get me a bigger one! Why do humans make everything so complicated? Don't make me go all David and Goliath on you!
MK: Who knew reading Bible stories to a cat could cause so much trouble?
BC: I'm still waiting for the two fishy to multiply to feed the multitude!
MK: You left two BITES of fishy on your plate . . . the story is about two WHOLE fish.
BC: But . . . but . . . it would take WEEKS for me to save up enough of my fishy treats to equal two whole fishy!
MK: We also don't have a multitude!
BC: Details! God doesn't need to know everything.
MK: However, Momma does need our water to turn into wine.
BC: No! You said the whale needs WATER!
MK: Yes, but Momma needs WINE.
BC: It's always about you! You don't even LIKE wine.
MK: Beggars can't be choosers.
BC: Why so desperate?
MK: I have a cat.
BC: {looking around} Where?
MK: Oh, Bear!
BC: Catimus Maximus to you.
MK: Gluteus Maximus is more like it.
BC: It's all Greek to me. As long as "Maximus" is part of it, fine.
MK: Technically, it's Latin.
BC: OK, Ms. Smarty-know-it-all-pants. As I said, it's all Greek to me. So can I have a whale?
MK: No.
BC: You didn't even think about it! You spend more time deciding what toilet paper to buy!
MK: Tough.
BC: Then don't buy the cheap toilet paper!
MK: No, I meant . . . oh, never mind.
BC: So why don't you practice what you preach?
MK: What do you mean?
BC: You're always saying how important animals are to God and His Plan - that God made sure to save two of each kind from the flood - so we should love and respect animals.
MK: I don't have to get you a whale to prove I love and respect you!
BC: How else?
MK: Gluteus Maximus!
BC: Yes?
BC: By the way, did you skip over the part of the ark story where the animals revolt? I can't imagine being stuck in an itty bitty space with dogs and birds . . .
MK: No, I did not skip over it.
BC: How realistic is that?
MK: I don't know Bear, it was a unique time. You should take a lesson and learn how to get along with other animals.
BC: So I can have a whale?
MK: NO! {then mumbling to herself} Why couldn't he ask for a lamb? Or a dove?
BC: Did you say HAM? I'll take a ham!
MK: No, I said "a l . . .," dang it!
BC: Do not use thy Lord God's name in vain.
MK: Do not covet the possessions of thy neighbor!
BC: None of our neighbors have a whale!
MK: Honor thy mother.
BC: You're not my real mom! 
BC: Tell you what. You think about getting me a whale while I take a nap. I spent all morning trying to part the water in my bowl and I'm exhausted! I have to make sure I'm well rested for tomorrow's miracle: walking on water. I might need a larger bowl. Maybe I can borrow the bath tub?
BC: Oh! And wake me up if a Samaritan happens by . . . he or she might be able to help me get a whale.
MK: Bear, it doesn't work like that . . . 
{Pause: as Momma and Bear stare at each other}
MK: Oh, fine, "Whatever you say, Bear."
BC: It's about time! My wisdom matches Solomon, but I'm starting to feel like Job.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah, God is love.
MK: Well, yeah. But I also love YOU.
BC: Force be with you.
MK: You mean, "Peace be with you?"
BC: No. Cats don't believe in peace. We believe in force, aka fangs and claws . . . you always want that to be WITH you and not against you.
MK: So thoughtful! Er . . . I think.

Being A Godly Kitty Is Exhausting