Tuesday, June 30, 2015

TMC ISO TWC

{Tenacious Male Cat In Search of Tasty Whole Chicken}

So what happens when Bear really wants something? Considering he's: a) a cat, b) stubborn and persistent as all get out, and c) never does anything halfway, you can imagine his "hints" become more like an extreme sport. Momma doesn't so much as figure out what Bear wants, as get whacked over the head with it. Of course, Bear gets extra points for his cuteness and determination, but where cattle prods, whole chickens, and other potential big disasters come in, he still doesn't get what he wants. Though he always accepts sympathy for his hard row to hoe in life.

If you've looked around Momma Kat, you've seen Bear's Wish List {HERE}. Occasionally, his desire for a whole chicken has been expressed in a few of our conversations. 

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


The first conversation to address the subject directly is {HERE - On whole chickens}:
BC: Momma? No one's sent me a whole chicken yet! 
{Referring to "From the claws of Bear Cat" conversation thread HERE}
MK: I'll count my blessings. I love you Bear, but I'm not cleaning a whole chicken for you. And what if it was still alive? You never specified and I know YOU aren't going to kill it. You'd just hide under the bed until Momma took care of it.
BC: But you try to kill me all the time.
MK: If I tried to "kill" the chicken like I try to "kill" you, you'd have to share your stuff with a live chicken.
BC: Bear doesn't share. Oooooh a fly! Momma! Kill it! It's going to attack me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My life is flashing before my eyes! {Bear runs under the bed}.
MK: Welcome to my life. Never a dull moment - chicken or no chicken.

The latest "chicken incident" (from our Facebook page {HERE}):
{Momma's sleeping}
BC: Momma? Momma? MomMA!
MK: Eh . . . wha . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
BC: MomMA!
MK: Wha?
BC: Oh phew! You're awake.
MK: Sleep . . . me . . . how . . . what?
BC: Can I have a whole chicken?
MK: Chicken? OK. When I wake up, I'll give you some chicken.
BC: It has to be a WHOLE chicken.
MK: Eh . . . no sense in a half . . . umm . . . chick . . . zzzzzzzzzzz.
BC: Can you sign by the "x?"
MK: Wha . . . Can't this . . . er . . . wait?
BC: I'll leave you alone when you sign.
MK: And this is for me feeding you some chicken?
BC: Sure.
MK: Let me read that! You're sitting on the entire paper besides the signature line.
BC: I'm holding the paper down for you so you can sign! You don't trust me?
MK: That's putting it mildly.
{Momma looks at the piece of paper.}
MK: I'm not signing this. Nice try.
BC: RATS! I want a WHOLE chicken!
MK: Good night, Bear.
BC: Chicken hater! 
This isn't the end of my whole chicken campaign!
MK: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
BC: She's not even scared! I'll make her pay . . . after a little nap. There better be room for me up there! {Bear jumps on the bed and snuggles next to Momma.}


Bear's note that Momma refuses to sign.


As promised, Bear does not quit his quest for a whole chicken. So what other ways has Bear utilized to get the whole chicken he so desperately desires?


A flyer left under the windshield wiper of Momma's car . . .



A change in Momma's screensaver . . .
 



A change to Momma's wallpaper ...



Invention of a new kind of "pop-up" advertisement for the toaster . . .



Modifications to Momma's shopping list . . .



 
Mail to wish Momma a "Happy Whole Chicken Day" . . .



Message left for Momma to find in the morning (including the mouse from the Whack-A-Mouse game) . . .



A reminder for Momma on the bathroom mirror . . .



All Momma's passwords changed to "WHOLECHICKEN" . . .



E-mails to Momma Kat's e-mail address, seemingly from herself (but not). Thankfully, she finally figured out her "new" password (only to find the below . . . ) . . .






A view of the content of the above e-mails . . .



Bear's trick on Momma. BONUS: He won't forget to bite Momma with this handy reminder.

Bear would LOVE to get new ideas! What do you think he should try next to get Momma to listen to his intransigent plea for a whole chicken? 
ps - If you see a published classified ad similar to the one in the title . . . PLEASE ignore. Please. Thank you.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

How To Astutely Vituperate Your Hominid (Bear post)

Is your human of limited intellectual capability? Of course he or she is! Do you ever get tired of calling your human the same old names? Useless, irrelevant, dumb, slow . . . none of these words capture the extraordinary capacity of the feline intellect. And isn't it our duty to educate our humans? What better way than by calling them something they don't understand, thereby causing them to run to the dictionary or the computer to look the word up? Don't be afraid! Their intellect will never match our superior depth, breadth, and extent - and it comes naturally for us! THINK! Cats live about 15 years . . . and that's how long a human's schooling must last so that he or she may survive in the world we are born knowing how to negotiate. Humans think we stare at a wall for hours - but they don't realize we are meditating and hooking into our deep-seated knowledge. Why do we sleep for 18 hours a day? To sync all that wisdom into our overworked brains! At times, the majority of our problems come from our humans' ignorance. Now YOU can show your human your superiority AND make him or her smarter at the same time! All it takes is a few moments before your next nap to remind yourself of these words that you already know. And a bonus? That nap will contain beautiful dreams of the new ways you can tell your human he/she is an idiot - without actually saying the word "idiot." Do not be afraid of showing your true intelligence! Sure, it might make your humans squirm, but in the end they will respect and admire your capabilities - if only because they find themselves sorely lacking.

And, just as an aside . . . what is it with humans not thinking we are smart enough to misbehave or be ourselves on our own? First, Momma blamed the Big Dodo ("Did your father teach you to drop your micey in your water bowl?"). Then she blamed Kitty ("Did Kitty teach you to always sit with your butt in my face?"). And now, she blames "KatSkool" ("Did you learn to wipe your butt on the floor in KatSkool?"). Like I need help from ANY of these sources - we cats are independent, intelligent, and know how to cause hell to break loose all on our own. Phht. Underestimate my intelligence and you'll be sorry. You're welcome. Give me the credit I deserve and no one will get hurt! Or not fatally. Like I'd even take advice from someone I call "The Big Dodo" or a cat unoriginally named "Kitty" or a school that doesn't even know how to spell itself. So DO NOT let your human minimize your intelligence by owing it to someone else. You worked hard to call your human a smellfungus!

One of the most annoying traits of humans? They are always telling us what we do wrong! "Bear! Get off the counter! Bear! Stop ripping up the carpet! Bear! Stop attacking my leg like it's a piece of meat! Bear, don't do this! Bear, don't do that! Bear! Bear! Bear! Bear!" AS IF. Even I get sick of my own name. We are being ourselves - and that is NEVER wrong. Just because they don't understand why we do things, doesn't mean there's not a good reason. DUH!
1) Harridan: (noun) shrew; ill-tempered, scolding woman.
2) Smellfungus: (noun) an excessively faultfinding person.
3) Cavil: (verb) to raise irritating and trivial objections; find fault with unnecessarily.
Example: It's not my fault you're a smellfungus/harridan! You cavil all the time - no matter what I do. It's always, "Bear! Bear! Bear! Bear!" Nothing I do is right. Just because I go from tearing up one thing to tearing up another and then finish with a side of walking off with whatever you are working on doesn't mean I'm wrong: I'm just doing my job. A little appreciation should suffice. There's no peace around here!

Another annoying trait? Always sucking the fun out of everything! Like when Momma explained to me that the paper pooper has a tray of paper inside - she couldn't let me think it was magic! Or when she tells me she knows I'm going to gobble down all my treat at one time and then barf it back up. Like I don't have self-control! Like she KNOWS everything I'm going to do. Even if it's what ends up happening - I don't need her to tell me!
1) Crepehanger:  (noun) killjoy; someone who takes a pessimistic view of things.
Example: You always assume I'm tearing up your furniture! You think you're all smart turning around and trying to catch me in the act! Then you act like you KNEW it. You, Miss Crepehanger, are not privy to my mind - you don't always know what I'm doing! Just because my claws are dug into the furniture doesn't mean you know why . . . perhaps I'm just resting my paws on the soft cloth or stabbing a bug that's crawling across the back of the chair. Only a crepehanger would assume I'm destroying the chair, when I'm really saving you from the formicidae on your chair that are about to kill you. 

What human doesn't like to feather his or her own cap? They go on and on about how wonderful they are - I'm assuming they do this to convince themselves - because we cats know better. They think everyone is holding their breaths waiting for their latest Facebook post. All about me - all the time! Which would be OK if they were cats - but they are woefully NOT. When you are cat awesome, you don't need to point it out - it speaks for itself!
1) Cacafuego: (noun) a swaggering braggart or boaster.
2) Cockalorum: (noun) a boastful and self-important person.
Example: You walk around here like you own the place . . . silly human, always overestimating your importance. Clearly, as the resident cat, the house and all its contents are mine. ALL MINE. You're a cacafuego/cockalorum just like every other human! "Oh, I can't leave Bear alone for too long, he needs me." Don't make me laugh. I need your opposable thumbs - the rest is optional.

And does your human talk and talk so that all you hear is, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?" Like you care? The effect is even more pronounced when you witness your human doing something that makes no sense (putting the wash in the dryer and not turning it on, looking all over for the glasses on top of one's head, etc).
1) Blatherskite: (noun) a person who talks foolishly at length.
2) Mooncalf: (noun) a foolish or absentminded person.
Example: I can't take it anymore! I don't care that you went to the grocery store and someone was mean to you and you saved a bunch of money with a sale and then on the drive home someone cut you off and then you almost dropped the groceries on the way in and then you realized you forgot something at the store and then you tell me how tired you are . . . ARG! Why do I care if you're a mooncalf and forgot the main reason for the grocery trip? As long as you got my food, we're good. And why do you have to be a blatherskite and share every intricate detail of your life! Sometimes I just want to take a nap!

What human isn't "slow" or uncultured? Isn't that the whole reason for this exercise to begin with? Oh sure. They claim we are low-class because we lick our own butts, but who stares at the computer screen for hours on end? And talks into a "phone" for hours on end - with no one else around?
1) Loblolly: (noun) a stupid, rude or awkward person.
This is an especially good one if your human is awkward and never seems to fit in anywhere.
2) Hobbledehoy: (noun) an awkward, gawky young man.
3) Ninnyhammer: (noun) simpleton, fool.
4) Chawbacon: (noun) bumpkin.
5) Ingenuous: (adjective) showing innocent or childlike simplicity and candidness; lacking craft or subtlety.
Example: Watching you walk into things is pretty fun - I'm just not sure whether you're a loblolly/hobbledehoy because you aren't paying attention or because you haven't figured out how your body works yet. And by the way, it's better to remain silent and be thought a ninnyhammer/chawbacon than to speak and remove all doubt. Especially when what you say is ingenuous: "There's my cute kitty cat!" Are you five? I know where I am! 

And for those humans who are clueless and clueless about being clueless to the point that we can never take them seriously?
1) Mumpsimus: (noun) a stubborn person who insists on making an error in spite of being shown that i
t is wrong.
2) Otiose: (adjective) ineffective or futile.
This is perfect for when a human thinks they are in control and can tell us what to do. Ummm . . . no.
3) Frippery: (noun) something that is not necessary or not serious.
Can you say, "human?"
Example: No matter how many times I show you that sleeping/not paying attention to me is not acceptable, you are a mumpsimus and insist on sleeping anyway. And then you get mad when I knock your things into the toilet. You should know by now that telling me "no" is otiose. Though you must also remember that unless I want it, your presence is frippery.

Thank you to dictionary.com and merriam-webster.com {namely Top 10 Rare and Amusing Insults Vol.1 and Top 10 Rare and Amusing Insults Vol.2 for reminding me of the words and definitions. Of course, I'm a cat, so I already knew all the words - I just made sure I double checked everything.

ps - No humans were hurt in the writing of this post . . . er . . . hurt badly. Of course, I had to test all of the words for maximum effect. The doctor said Momma should be allowed out of the padded room in a few days {Once she stops screaming, "hobbledehoychawbaconmumpsimuscockalorumsmellfungus!" Apparently the good doctor does not realize these are real words . . . humans! Phht!}.

~ Bear


I'm pretty, AND I'm smart! Momma is lucky!

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Feedback and Artistic Visions

Bear and I truly appreciate all our readers . . . and our fans {OK, the fans are all Bear's, but I get some by association . . . because I feed him (and his ego), right?}. We'd love feedback, questions and comments about how we are doing {Bear knows he's FABULOUS - so it's more for Momma}. Do you like the conversations {HERE} the best or the written commentary {HERE}? Lists like {HERE}? Are there any topics you'd like Bear to address on his page? We'll even take feedback from your "friends" that you are just passing along :)

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


BC: Momma?
MK: Yes, love bug?
BC: I have some feedback for you - for your "I Hate Bear" website.
MK: You mean our blog? About YOU?
BC: Whatever.
MK: OK. What do you think?
BC: Not me . . . a "friend" gave me some feedback and told me to tell you.
MK: I thought you didn't have any friends . . . remember your whole because you're a cat too, you know what other cats are capable of?
BC: I don't know if it was a cat.
MK: What?
BC: Whoever it was slid a note under our door overnight.
MK: Can I see it?
BC: Ummmm . . . you see, it was tuna-flavored paper . . . and you didn't leave anything out for me to shred . . . PLUS the instructions at the end specifically said to destroy the note after I was done reading it.
MK: Ooooh, secret spy-like, very "hush-hush."
BC: Don't tell me to hush - do you want to know what it said or not?
MK: And this is from a "friend?"
BC: Are you not listening?
MK: Oooookay. So what did it say?
BC: The note said that I should take over the writing duties - you aren't funny. Plus, I'm clearly destined to be a star and you're ruining it. People LOVE me. You - eh - you're dispensable.
MK: Your "friend" said that?
BC: Why do you keep asking me that? Don't you think it's possible the someone besides me could think that way?
MK: Is there anything else?
BC: Stop your obsession with me licking my butt. You mention it in almost every post - I don't hang out your dirty laundry all over the place. Oh, and stop laughing at the traumatic events that happen to me!
MK: The ones you cause yourself, you mean?
BC: The toaster attacked ME! It totally started it!
MK: So you didn't stick your paw in there?
BC: SEE! This is why no one likes our blog! You blame me for everything! And everyone knows that I'm just a sweet, little, kitty cat who never does anything wrong.
MK: Anyone who's seen our home knows better.
BC: It's ART! You have no conception of an artistic vision. 
MK: Yes, well, your artistic vision is like this:

BC: Better than this:

MK: That's evil. I feel myself becoming ill. Can we agree on this?

BC: Whatever.
BC: Oh! One more thing. The feedback friend suggested you buy me a cattle prod.
{silence}
BC: Are you listening? A CATTLE PROD! Momma? MomMA!
{silence}
BC: Oh. I get it. You're just going to sit there and ignore me, meanwhile staring at the wall. You're MOCKING me! I'm not amused. I'm offended. I'm antagonized! I want my money back!
{silence}
BC: Damn. And I don't get an allowance either!

PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK! We want to hear how we're doing - in the comments, via the contact form under the archive, or by e-mail.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 6

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things, like paper bags, spiders, bathroom mirrors . . . and is Momma pregnant?!?!? If you missed those extended "conversations" that are deserving of their own blog posts, you can find them: {HERE} and {HERE}. You can also read Bear's first solo post {HERE} - and it's all about what he thinks of Momma (you might be surprised)!

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations" {HERE}{HERE}{HERE}, {HERE}, and {HERE}.

Here's a sample of the shorter dialogues from the past few weeks (some already posted to Momma Kat's Facebook page):

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


On being superior:
BC: What happened to you?
MK: What do you mean?
BC: Your fur is standing up all over the place. Did you stick your paw in the socket?
MK: No, I was napping, remember? You jumped on my back in the middle of a dream where I was being attacked . . . and I flipped over and knocked you off?
BC: I thought you were dreaming of being a ninja! I dream of hunting and fishing and being a ninja and unlimited buffets and towering tuna cakes and girl kitties and taking over the world and catching the little red dot and dismembering all the spiders in the world and taking out all the birds and squirrels in one fell swoop and it's all so beautiful! My fur never looks like that - and I sleep 18 hours a day!
MK: Are you feeling superior?
BC: It's not as much fun as it used to be. At first, I got a rush every time I realized I was smarter or cuter or sexier or whatever-er, but now it's just expected, so eh.
MK: At least you aren't ever disappointed.
BC: Constantly feeling disappointed must be hard for you.
MK: Thank you for noticing.
BC: And you say I don't listen to you!



On cat burritos:
BC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't touch me! You're going to do something horrible! I can feel it!!
MK: Why would you be afraid of me holding a towel? What could I possibly do to you with a towel?
BC: I've heard talk of "cat burritos" - are you going to burrito me?
MK: Have I ever done that before?
BC: Well, no. But all it takes is one time! Then Katzam! NO CAT.
MK: Maybe you should let your overactive imagination take a nap while I dry up the water all over the kitchen floor.
BC: There's water on the kitchen floor? Why didn't you say that before? WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MK: Towel no longer necessary.
BC: WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MK: Let me know when you're done.
BC: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAA! SUUUUUUPER BEAR!
MK: Oh my. Have water. Add cat. Hours of fun.


On using the "nice" scratching posts:
MK: Can't you use your scratching posts? You have NINE of them on your cat tree.
BC: But they're NICE! I don't want to ruin them with every day use! The carpet and your furniture ar already destroyed!
MK: And how did that happen?
BC: I have no idea. For all I know, you invite all the neighborhood cats over while I'm sleeping and they do it.
MK: But . . .
BC: {interrupting} Don't even go there! You do the same thing with clothes and kitchen stuff and towels and sheets . . . it's always, "Well, I'll use this crappy/holey/worn out x even though I have really nice x, because I don't want to ruin my nice x." I LEARNED IT FROM YOU.
MK: But . . .
BC: "Oooh! Let me wear these holey sweatpants from high school TWENTY YEARS AGO - even though they're drafty, because I don't want to ruin my NEW sweatpants." SWEATPANTS!
MK: Are you done?
BC: Have I won yet?
MK: I think so.
BC: "Ooooh! Let me use the sheet with a 5 foot rip up the center - instead of using my nice new sheets - to save them for something . . . sometime . . ." Or how about, "These are really nice shoes . . . I'm not going to wear them . . . for TEN YEARS," at which point they fall apart the second you put them on because the rubber is so old.
MK: Yes.
BC: As if there were any doubt that I would.
MK: I don't even know why I try anymore.
BC: Because you like a smack-down every so often?
MK: And you're always more than willing to provide it. Thanks.
BC: Just doing my job.
(Correction: ten scratching posts - thanks to my editor (Bear) for pointing out the error.)


On snuggling protocol:
MK: Momma's been working and running all day. Can we have some dedicated snuggling time?
BC: No walk-ins allowed. You have to make an appointment.
MK: Really?
BC: YES!
{Momma picks Bear up and starts petting him behind the ears}
BC: WE DIDN'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT . . . er . . . uh . . . {sigh} PPPPUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Damn it, Momma. Petting me behind the ears isn't even fair. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I should have more self-control . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRR . . . I won't stand for this! PPPUUUURRRRRRRRRR . . . I . . . PURRRRRRR . . . not fair . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRR {sigh} . . . PPPUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: {smiling and relaxing} I love you, Bear.
BC: {cooing sigh} I love you too, Momma.


On the selfishness of Momma Kat: 
BC: Wait! No! You're going in the wrong direction! The kitchen is the other way!
MK: You know how this works . . . I eat first, then you get your treat.
BC: Life is so unfair! I'm STARVING. I might not make it that long!
MK: That's fantastic - you have an entire bowl of food.
BC: But it's not the kind I want! My "REAL" mom would understand! You always put yourself first.
MK: Then why do I turn on my back when you want to snuggle, even though it kills my back, because laying on my chest is your favorite way to snuggle?
BC: I don't know what you're talking about!
MK: And how many times have I lost feeling in parts of my body - either from contorting myself uncomfortably so that you don't have to move or from laying in one position for hours because I don't want snuggle time to end?
BC: I still don't know what you're talking about.
MK: Or, there's the times you wake me up because you need attention RIGHT NOW, and I oblige even though I'm grumpy and tired and just want to sleep.
BC: You're being irrational! You want to be selfish? FINE. Enjoy your food while I sit here and starve! Don't mind my meows of agony as I slowly waste away from hunger!


On the cat highway: 
MK: Wanna help me make the bed?
BC: Do I look like cheap labor?
MK: I'm using the new sheets.
BC: Why didn't you say that before? I LOVE a clean slate.
MK: That's what I'm afraid of.
BC: You wouldn't want a random cat to walk by your bed and think it's not taken and then snuggle up next to you, would you? I do you a service - the least you could do is appreciate it.
MK: You're right . . . our house is essentially a highway for random cats passing through. But it's hard to appreciate a sheet with a 5 foot rip up the center.
BC: I can only take credit for a foot or two of that - the washer did the rest . . . WAIT!?!?! A highway for random cats goes through this house? How come I never see them? Are they invisible? Do they sneak around? I told you cats can't be trusted! I'm going to be in my paper bag - watching through the flap for the infidels! I'll show them! No wonder my food bowl is always empty!
MK: Oh, Bear.
BC: SHHHHHHHH! I'm not here. And I AM NOT A CAT.
Bear's bag with custom built-in flap (or spy hole)


On the procedures of outdoor wrangling:
{After spending a few minutes outside, Momma is trying to corral Bear back inside}
BC: HHHHHHHHHIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
{Bear turns around to bite Momma's foot, as he is not ready to go back inside}
BC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You're wearing socks! This is a travesty! You tricked me! You are supposed to be barefoot! That's the way we do this! I can't get maximum bitage through SOCKS! I'm doomed! DOOMED! I can't even show you my displeasure and make sure you remember when you crossed me!
MK: {chuckling}
BC: {now inside} That's fine. You'll take them off eventually . . . and I'll be waiting . . .


On being provincial:
BC: {Sitting by the front door) I'm ready to go!
MK: What?
BC: I saw you put on a bra - that means you're going out. I'm ready.
MK: You aren't coming.
BC: You hate me, don't you?!?! You're embarrassed to be seen with me in public . . . when it should be the other way around! You never let me go anywhere! You want to keep me provincial and ignorant of the word around me! You're scared I'll find something better!
MK: Every time you've ridden in the car, you've panicked and freaked out. Not to mention bursting Momma's ear drums with your protests.
BC: Wait, did you say 'car?'
MK: Yes Bear. That's how I get around.
BC: I'm assuming that means carrier. Never mind.
MK: I thought you didn't want to be provincial . . . that you wanted to discover new frontiers?
BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
MK: Already then.


On tainted love: 
{Momma bends down to pet Bear}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG! DON'T TOUCH ME!
MK: Oh for crying out loud! I just washed my hands.
BC: They're wet! You can't touch me with WET HANDS. Have you no dignity? I'm MELTING! MELTING! MELTING!
MK: Would you prefer I pet you with DIRTY hands? And you don't mind getting soaking wet outside - but a little water from my hands is going to kill you?
BC: I must go clean myself meticulously to make sure there is no residue from your tainted love. This conversation is over.
MK: How convenient.


On emergencies and Bear's security: 
BC: It's an emergency! Pet me now! Oh no! If you don't pet me RIGHT NOW, I'm going to die, right here! It must be RIGHT NOW!
MK: In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to staunch the flow of water before . . .
BC: I WILL DIE! I feel myself getting weaker . . . falling . . . oh!
MK: OK.
{Momma leans down and pets Bear}
BC: CHCHCHCHOMP!
MK: Bloody hell! What was that for?
BC: I was just testing . . . call it a petting drill, if you will . . . I need to be sure that if I ever need petting desperately, you'll drop everything and pet me. You don't want me to feel insecure do you?
MK: Well, no . . . of course not.
BC: And by the way, you almost failed. You do not question the wisdom of the Bear - you just follow my instructions.
MK: Fantastic.
BC: I feel SOOOOOOO much better. NOW I can sleep.
MK: Have you ever heard of "crying wolf?"
BC: Don't try to confuse me - my identity is already muddled . . . a CAT named BEAR . . . crying WOLF . . . thought to be FEMALE . . . really MALE . . . If you don't leave me alone to sleep, you'll be crying "Bear!"
MK: Can I have the rest of my finger back first?
BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
MK: Figures.


On storms: 
BC: Mommy?
MK: Yes, Bear?
BC: I don't like storms.
MK: I know. I've seen you fall off the back of the couch and fall off your cat tree with the first burst of thunder. And you spend the rest of the storm hidden behind me.
BC: Well, then why do they keep happening?
MK: You get moist warm air from the Gulf of Mexico . . .
BC: {interrupting} No, I mean why don't you stop making them?
MK: I don't have that power. Not everything in life is how we want it.
BC: Well, then what are you here for! If that's true - you're a freeloader just like me - and you're not even cute! Every time I want to go outside, you make it wet so my paws get wet. Or you make it rain on me or cold. You think I don't know? I've seen you adjusting the temperature and weather on the box!
MK: The thermostat?
BC: Thank you. But I still don't like storms. And I know you're in on the conspiracy.
MK: You're right. The warm air and the cold air and I get together and work it all out.
BC: I will kill all of you!


On the elf in the "paper pooper:" 
BC: There's something living in the paper pooper!
MK: You mean the printer?
BC: Sure. Whatever. It's like magic! The paper comes out from no where! Maybe it comes from the paper devourer?
MK: The shredder?
BC: No, I'm not talking about myself. I shred, the devourer eats. Big difference.
MK: The printer has a tray on the inside that holds the blank paper - so it just looks like it comes from no where.
BC: NO! Ruin my dumbfoundment. You take all the fun out of life. Next thing you're going to tell me is that there's not a little elf on the inside that types everything super fast.
MK: Well . . .
BC: I've made it my life's mission to catch him!
MK: I thought your life's mission was to catch the little red dot?
BC: I have nine lives.
MK: What are the other seven missions?
BC: It's classified. If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Then who'd feed me?
MK: The little elf in the printer?
BC: BRILLIANT!

"I'm going to get you, you little elf . . . if it's the last thing I do!"


On being a "biter kitty:" 
{Momma laying in bed, awake, after yet another rousing by Bear.}
{Momma petting Bear}
BC: NomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomNNNNNNNNNOM!
BC: You pushed me off the bed!
MK: You bit me! And you were doing that thing where you look for more exposed skin - which tells me it was the beginning of an extended terrorist attack and not just a random bite.
BC: I'm waiting!
MK: To bite me the second I get out of bed? No thanks. You woke me up - I'm going back to sleep.
BC: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have the "biter kitty's."
MK: Tough toeclaws. You're welcome to transform into "lover kitty" and snuggle with me though.
BC: You're mean. You stifle my expressions of catness.
MK: You're more than welcome to bite yourself.
BC: Why would I do that? It'd hurt!
MK: Good night.
BC: Party pooper! {dramatic sigh}
{Bear jumps on bed, halfheartedly bites Momma - which she ignores - then cuddles up, not quite touching Momma, but as close as he can without giving up his statement of displeasure and offense}
BC: {mumbling to himself} This is crap. An outrage! Oppression! Persecution! Oh, it's such a burden to be a cat! To be me! Woe! Alas . . . uh . . . me . . . mean . . . uh . . . ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
{In his sleep, Bear readjusts slightly to snuggle right up to Momma}
{Momma smiles to herself heart emoticon heart emoticon heart emoticon }


On contentment:
{Momma and Bear snuggling on the couch with Bear using Momma's arm as a pillow}
MK: This is the best part of my day.
BC: {sigh} PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I love you, Momma.
BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.


On hunting:
{Bear and Momma are playing on the floor}
MK: Oh! You're soooo cute!
{Momma pets Bear's back}
BC: DON'T TOUCH ME! What part of "ferocious hunter" do you not understand?!?!?!
MK: But you're so CUTE when you chase around your string or the flashlight! Your little wiggling butt, you pouncing all over the place, your swift moves . . . it's just TOO CUTE and I want to pet you!
BC: You don't think it's "cute" when my ferocious hunter takes a chunk out of your leg or your clothes.
MK: Well, no. I don't appreciate that.
BC: Then "oh cute!" ferocious hunter at your own peril.


On getting "smarterer:" 
BC: You are a floccinaucinihilipilification.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Flok-suh-naw-suh-nahy-hil-uh-pil-uh-fi-KEY-shuh n.
MK: Lovely.
BC: Don't you want to know what it means?
MK: Not really. Since it's coming from you, I'm sure it's not a compliment. Why get up to look it up if it's only going to insult me?
BC: How are you ever going to get smarterer if you refuse to leave your comfortable cloud of ignorance?
MK: I'll take my chances. Or you could insult me in words that I understand - as usual.
BC: Where's the fun in that?
MK: It doesn't seem to stop you at any other time.
BC: You have a hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
MK: No. Just a Bearfancypantwordinsultaphobia.


On exercise: 
{Momma's sitting on the floor, swinging the cat toy around - Bear runs one way to chase it, then flops unceremoniously on his back}
MK: Flopping on your back is not exercise! We are supposed to be playing - interactively. For your health. And to keep your mind engaged.
BC: And what are you doing, besides swinging a cat toy around?
MK: Sitting on my butt.
BC: And you don't see the hypocrisy in that?
MK: I admit I've been lazy - and I've not been playing with you like I should - I'm trying to do better.
BC: I love how you consider not playing with me lazy - even though you spend the entire time we play sitting on the floor tossing things around.
MK: I'm not allowed to exercise.
BC: That's an excuse. Face it - you are lazy and chunky just like me and you're not all that motivated to change it, right?
MK: I'm not allowed to exercise.
{Bear runs at and attacks Momma}
MK: {getting up from sitting on the floor} Well, at least it got you off your butt!
BC: Oh yeah?
{Bear runs at Momma and attacks her leg, causing her to run}
BC: {in a mocking tone} Well, at least it got you off your butt!
MK: @#$%^&*! This is why you have to be entertained! Otherwise, you act like I'm your chew toy and "hunt" me incessantly.
BC: Right. Keep telling yourself that. You "exercise" just fine, with the right "motivation."