Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Case of the Annoyingly Loving Momma

Opening arguments in the case of the annoyingly loving Momma:

"Don't you just hate it when your Momma gushes and prattles and goes on and on about your cuteness? Especially when you're a tough, fully grown male cat! Talk about clipping one's wings! Cramping one's style! Sure I like the look of admiration on her face some times, and the well-timed ear rub . . . but get a hold of yourself woman! Enough is enough!" 
~Bear Cat

"In my defense, Bear Cat is sooooo incredibly cute! Those cute little toes, the little nose, all curled up, wiggling his little butt . . . You try resisting!"

~Momma Kat {aka Annoyingly Loving Momma}

"Oh, brother! Now you see what I have to put up with!"

~Bear Cat



MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

Exhibit A in the case of the annoyingly loving Momma:
MK: You're such a HANDSOME boy! Look at Momma's handsome boy!
BC: MommmmmmMa! Stop tooooooouching me!
MK: But, you're handsome!
BC: My "handsome" bites AND has claws! I'm not a baby! I'm a grown male cat!
MK: I see you admiring yourself in the mirror!
BC: Wouldn't you, if you looked like me?
MK: YES! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You're HHHHAANNNDSOME!
BC: Why does it sound so much less debonair when your Momma says it?
MK: Handsome! Handsome! Hhhhaaannnndsoooooome! Can I pet the kitty? Cute kitty! OH, Momma's handsome boy!
BC: And she wonders why people look at her like she escaped from the funny farm . . .


Exhibit B in the case of the annoyingly loving Momma:
{30 minutes of silence - Bear's sleeping in a different room than where Momma is working}
BC: Meow. Meow, meow, MEEEEEOW.
{Silence}
BC: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. MEEEEEEE-OWWWWWWW. MeeOww. Meow.
MK: {walking into the room} What's up?
BC: Meow, meow, meow, meeeeeoww. Meowwwww. Meow. Meow.
MK: Umm . . . excuse me?
BC: What do YOU want?
MK: Well, you were quiet for longer than usual and now you're meowing and I'm trying to figure out if you need something.
BC: Like what?
MK: I DON'T KNOW! That's what I'm trying to figure out! Maybe you want me to admire you?
BC: I'm HANDSOME.
MK: Yes, you are. VERY handsome.
BC: I wasn't asking your opinion. I was telling you.
MK: Oookay. So that was why you were meowing?
BC: Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?
MK: I guess so.
BC: Figures. You're human. First you interrupt me in the middle of something and NOW you expect me to explain it to you.
MK: Right, well, I was worried . . . 
BC: I was talking to myself. You talk to yourself all the time and you don't find me sticking my nose in your business.
MK: Actually, you . . .
BC: NO! I do not stick my nose in your business. If you want to be all "funny farm," I don't want to be included. And let's be honest: most of your business is funny farmish.
MK: Ummmm . . . well, actually, you do kind of stick your nose in my business, well, all the time . . . when I'm working, in the shower, using the bathroom, fixing meals, doing the laundry, SLEEPING . . . 
BC: No. Correction. I want something. Sometimes you are doing your business. But whether you are doing your business or not is irrelevant, as I expect you to do what I want whether you are doing your business or not. It just annoys you more and you notice it more when you are actually DOING your business.
MK: Ummmm . . . sure.
BC: Your state is irrelevant.
MK: Thanks.
BC: Always glad to straighten things out for you . . . no matter HOW annoying. I want what I want, when I want, how I want, where I want.
MK: That's true. So you're just talking to yourself?
BC: Obviously. 
MK: That seems kind of lonely.
BC: {sigh} You don't have any problem with it when you do it.
MK: Well, yeah, I guess . . . I mean . . . 
BC: You're dismissed.
MK: But . . . 
BC: No, no. We're done!
MK: So you're okay?
BC: Oh for the BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP! Can I please get back to my bath?
MK: Wait, what? I thought you were talking to yourself?!
BC: I was singing while bathing . . . do you MIND?
MK: That's SOOOOO cute! Like singing in the shower! What were you singing? Once, twice, three times a tabby?
BC: Wait a minute!?!? How did YOU know . . . You've been LISTENING to me! I feel dirty! Violated! Infringed upon!
MK: In my defense, you're really cute when you do that one!
BC: And you wonder why I don't want to tell you things. I'm a grown male cat. I don't need my Momma FAWNING over me!
MK: But singing! While you bathe! Soooo adorable. Oh, right. Sorry. Not adorable AT ALL!
{Silence while Bear glares at Momma}
MK: Wait a second! I'm not allowed to sing around you!
BC: {LOUD SIGH} That's because you can't sing and it hurts my innocent, sensitive ears. My meowing is cute, is it not?
MK: Well, when you put it that way . . . 
BC: And besides . . . YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LISTENING!
MK: But this is MY bedroom!
BC: Whatever. It's occupied. And the occupier wants solitude and silence to appreciate his meows and privacy for his bath.
MK: But you watch me . . . 
{Silence while Bear glares at Momma}
MK: I don't understand why you get to sing, and interrupt me with inane questions, and . . . 
{Silence while Bear glares at Momma}
MK: Already then . . . THE GREAT AND POWERFUL CAT HAS SPOKEN.
BC: You're still here.
MK: Right.
BC: Bye-bye!


Exhibit C in the case of the annoyingly loving Momma:
{Momma Kat is getting out of the shower and sees Bear has dragged his string into the bathroom}
MK: Look! It's Bear's string!
BC: No!
MK: No?
BC: You're not allowed to use THAT voice with me . . . that's your, "Oh my gosh, it's a kitty cat," voice . . . like you're somehow shocked to find me here . . . and I don't know that I'm a cat. That voice is very similar to the, "there's my big boy!" voice which is just as annoying . . . like I grew significantly in the 30 seconds you had your back turned. It's like baby talk . . . but I'm not a baby.
MK: But you're my kitty cat!
BC: Just because I'm a cat doesn't mean my IQ is at the level of other animals. Us cats have smarts!
MK: You are just so cute with your indignant attitude!
BC: Let me know when you're done farting rainbows and all that other girly stuff. Unless you want me to bleed it out of you.
MK: You're still cute . . . even when you're angry.
BC: Can I have the dark closet that you lock yourself in when I'm being obnoxious?
MK: Okkkaay.
BC: That is all. Please save my messages as I don't want to be disturbed.


Exhibit D in the case of the annoyingly loving Momma:
MK: Ooooh! Look at the handsome kitty in the window! He's so cute, I need to pet the little bitty-kitty-witty RIGHT NOW!
BC: Really? You walked all the way around the house to stare at me through the window?
MK: Well, you ARE cute!
BC: I'm a cat, not an ignoramus. No, NO! Don't get sentimental! Don't CRY! There are people and cats WATCHING you out there! If you have to get weepy, COME INSIDE where the windows are closed! Oh, I hope no one sees! Not AGAIN!
{Momma walks inside where Bear meets her at the door.}
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I love you too, Momma. Just don't tell anyone. I like the ladies and other neighborhood cats to think I'm tough . . . I have a rep! Oooh . . . ear rubs . . . you're the bestest Momma EVER!


Case Conclusion in the case of the annoyingly loving Momma:

"Loving your Momma and letting her love you doesn't mean you aren't tough! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."
~Bear Cat {aka Mr. Tough Pants}

"So I guess the case is closed. For today anyway."
~Momma Kat

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