Wednesday, September 9, 2015

The Great Bear Cat

As much as Momma Kat and Bear Cat love each other, sometimes the house (or more specifically, Momma's bed) is not big enough for the both of them. Add some jealousy, cattiness, bad habits, and a thesaurus to the mix, and things get even more interesting. How many fancy words can Bear fit into one conversation? How does Momma feel about Bear's demand that he be addressed as, "The Great Bear Cat?" And what randomness with be thrown in to the mix today?





BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


The Great Bear Cat (and the thesaurus):
BC: From now on, I want you to call me The Great Bear Cat.

MK: Okay.
BC: T-H-E  G-R-E-A-T  B-E-A-R  C-A-T. Do you need to write that down?
MK: Oh, Bear .  . . 
BC: Repugnant! Invidious! Opprobrious! Insolence! Pay heed how you speak to The Great Bear Cat or you will be compunctious!
MK: I think the blog has gotten to your ego a bit. And I need to take the thesaurus away from you.
BC: I have a public now! People are watching!
MK: I hate to break it to you, but given our readership numbers, you have less of a public and more of a litter of readers.
BC: What?!?!? You must be doing something wrong! I demand a new writer! You're fired!
MK: You don't pay me.
BC: That's beside the point! The Great Bear Cat is above hiring staff.
MK: But you're not above firing staff? Bear? The Great Bear Cat? Hello?
BC: You're fired! See yourself to the door.
MK: But this is my house! You can't kick me out of my house!
BC: Don't make me call security!
MK: Security? We have security now? Or are you just repeating a bunch of crap you've heard elsewhere?
BC: The Great Bear Cat does not repeat. He is an original.
MK: You got that right.
BC: You're still here.
MK: Who will feed you?
BC: RATS! I need some ear rubs right now too . . . are you serviceable?
MK: Sure.
BC: But after that you have to leave . . . when I don't need anything else . . . just be aware that you are simple chattel.
MK: Right. Give me the thesaurus.


Tail thievery:
BC: Remove your big grubby paw from my tail!
MK: What?
BC: I said . . . REMOVE your big grubby paw FROM MY TAIL!
MK: But . . .
BC: NOW!
MK: I was only moving it so I didn't lay on it!
BC: No. You were trying to steal my tail! I'm not stupid!
MK: Don't be ridiculous.

BC: I've seen you admiring it . . . pining for it to be yours . . . and you think I won't notice?!?!?
MK: Ummm . . . I'm sorry?
BC: Is this why you've been researching re-tailers? So you can annex my tail?
MK: What? Oh, you mean "retailers." I have to buy a birthday present for my nephew. I'm not looking to attach your tail to myself.
BC: Hmph. My tail wouldn't make you any cuter anyway. How do you live with yourself . . . trying to steal a little, cute, kitty cat's tail? Do you have no moral compass? No sense of right and wrong?
MK: This from the cat that has no qualms stealing my stuff.
BC: MY stuff.
MK: Oh, fine. I'm always wrong. You're always right. And I am woefully inept at being in the presence of such grandeur as The Great Bear Cat.
BC: That sounds sarcastic . . . but you speak the truth . . . so I will pretend that is all I hear.
MK: Magnificent.
BC: Yow! You laid on my tail! How rude! Can't you see this place is taken? That's my tail!
MK: Bear, you don't have to treat your tail like a fancy car that parks in the middle of three spaces just so no one could possibly hit it.
BC: You want to run over my tail?
MK: Oh, for crying out loud! I'm going to sleep on the couch!
{Momma lays on the couch, Bear comes running}
{PAUSE}
BC: MommmmMMMMA!
MK: Now what?
BC: Don't you want to snuggle?
MK: Well, yes, that was what I was hoping for to begin with! But that meant moving your tail so I could touch you without laying on your tail.
BC: Never mind. I don't feel like snuggling anymore.
MK: Because I want to?
BC: You don't know everything!
MK: Are you TRYING to funk with my sanity?
BC: I didn't realize you had any in there.
MK: Fantastic.



Momma's bad habits:
BC: Momma? How do you get a candy bar named after you?
MK: I don't know . . . why?
BC: Liar! I see your Kit Kats! And your name is "Kat."
MK: Those are just a coincidence, they aren't related to my name.
BC: But I want a Bear Blockbuster Bar!
MK: And that would be . . .
BC: Lots of chunks of fishy . . . a whole chicken . . . all smooshed together and coated with gravy.
MK: Ummmmm . . . eww?!?!
BC: I guess we can include an ewe . . .
MK: No, I mean, YUCK!
BC: You don't see me judging when I watch you eat (BLEEP) Kit Kats a day! Hey! YOU BLEEPED ME! It was just a number - not a bad word!
MK: Not everyone needs to know how many Kit Kats I eat a day.
BC: Oh yeah? Well, how about when you (BLEEP) the (BLEEEEEEEEEEP) and then (BLEEEEEP)ing (BLEEP)!
BC: I see you typing the bleeps! What, so you only share MY unfortunate incidents but you can't admit to your peccadilloes?!?! That is so unfair!
MK: I like my privacy. At least from the rest of the world . . . since you have no sense of boundaries and I can't do ANYTHING without an audience. And the blog is about you - not my craziness.
BC: I'm going to start a blog based on your bad habits and call it . . . . Kat . . . Kat . . . Something-bad-that-I'll-figure-out-later! I'll tell everybody about how you (BLEEP) and (BLEEP) when you (BLEEP) and (BLEEP). ARG! I hate you!
BC: Hey! Where are you going? You are NOT closing the door! I NEED TO BE IN THERE WITH YOU!
MK: Well, if you're going to tell everyone what I do, you can't watch.
BC: You're mean. You are totally, inexcusably, discriminatory! I have rights! OPEN THE DOOR! Momma! Momma?!?!?! I promise to keep all your filthy secrets . . . just LET ME IN! I HAVE TO BE IN THERE WITH YOU!!!
MK: The door isn't closed all the way, Smarty-Pants!
BC: Oh! I knew that . . . 
{Bear pushes the door open with his nose and looks around}
BC: Hmph! You think you're so important . . . I don't want to watch you anyway. The Great Bear Cat has better and more exciting things to do!
{Bear prances off}


Is Momma a lost cause?
BC: What happened to you? You look horrible!
MK: Gee, thanks. I tossed and turned all night and didn't get much sleep.
BC: Yeah, well, your tossing and turning kept waking me up but you don't see me walking around looking like that!
MK: But you nap all day. And besides . . . you wake me up at least five times every night because you require attention!
BC: Hmph. The next time you can't sleep, do me a favor and leave my bed!
MK: It's MY bed . . . and you have 50 other places to sleep . . . 
BC: You appear confused . . . perhaps because of your lack of sleep?
MK: Oh, never mind. This never ends well for me.
BC: Neither will another night of keeping me up because you have no self control!
MK: What does that have to do with it?
BC: If you cared about me at all, you'd be quiet and lay still.
MK: I was trying to get comfortable!
BC: And what about the dramatic sighs . . . were those necessary to get "comfortable" too?
MK: You have no right to lecture ME on dramatic sighs!
BC: I see you didn't answer my question.
MK: And who did I learn that as well as the dramatic sighs from?
BC: I know. I know. I'm an internet celebrity and my public loves me! You copy all the cute little things I do, hoping they'll make you cute too. Perhaps you should find your own ways of cuteness?
BC: Oh, who am I kidding . . . some times you just need to recognize when it becomes a lost cause.
MK: Hey! I hear you!
BC: Can I have a treat?
MK: What?
BC: A treat? That chicken or salmon flavored tidbit you drop in my food bowl every so often?
MK: Where did that come from?
BC: The treat factory? 
BC: You've been VERY miserly with the treats recently.
MK: I could bang my head on a wall and feel more listened to.
BC: Your lack of sleep is clearly causing you difficulty . . . just give me the treat bag and I'll take care of the rest! Or, you could not give me a treat, lay down and try to sleep, and then have a can of hungry cat open on your (BLEEP)! Then you REALLY will know what it's like to not sleep.
MK: You do that to me all the time already!
BC: Momma! Focus! We're talking about treats!
MK: {mumbling to herself, somewhat mockingly} "have a can of hungry cat open on your . . . "  What's next?
BC: I'll be by my food bowl whenever you're done with whatever you are doing . . . Oh, and don't make me wait. The Great Bear Cat DOES NOT wait!


Poor Bear must sleep on the couch because Momma's tossing and turning in bed, and he needs his beauty rest

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