Monday, August 31, 2015

Stringed, Surprised, Scared and Out-Smarted

Bear is frequently multiple polar opposites all at once . . . rational and irrational, tough and not tough, loving and not-so-loving . . . which means Momma is constantly on her toes trying to figure out which Bear she is dealing with. And of course, there are always the nuggets Bear tosses in out of no where that knock Momma on her behind as she's trying to figure out where THAT came from.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


Part I:
BC: MoooooommmmmmMMMa! Where's my string? I looked all over the house and I can't find it anywhere!

MK: I just moved it from the washer to the dryer . . . it should be done in about 45 minutes.
BC: NOOOOOOOO! I need my string RIGHT NOW! If I don't have my string, I can't eat or sleep or use the litter box!
MK: That's why I needed to wash it.

BC: I WANT MY STRING!!!!!!!!!!
MK: Bear, it was in the washer for over an hour and you didn't notice then, so I think you can survive for another 45 minutes without it.

BC: You string swindler! I know you have it hidden somewhere . . . Just so you know, I'm WATCHING you. If you try to eat or sleep or use your litter box with MY string, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!
MK: Oh, Bear.

BC: Don't "Oh, Bear" me! I don't want your filthy cheese or candy bar remnants on my string!
MK: This from the master cat burglar.
BC: I can't steal what's already mine. Everything in this house is mine - thus I'm not stealing it at all. In fact, by using my belongings, YOU are PILFERING MY STUFF!
BC: RATS!
MK: You just tired yourself out with your dramatic tirades, didn't you? I always admire the show . . .
BC: I'll SHOW you!!!!! After I take my nap. Good day, Ms. Hoodlum Grubby-Fingers.
{Bear prances off}



Part II {Later the same day}:

BC: WAIT! MommmmMMMA!
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: You brought me my string.
MK: Yes, remember, you wanted it as soon as it was dry?

BC: But when I bring you my string, it means I want to play . . . Doesn't this mean YOU want to play?
MK: I have to put the rest of the clothes from the dryer away.
BC: False advertising! I've been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Defrauded! I'VE BEEN SCREWED!!!
MK: Oh, for crying out loud!
BC: That's what I'm doing! I need to re-fur and re-scent my string NOW! This smells . . . . CLEAN!
MK: You say that like it's a bad thing.
BC: What else would it be?
MK: I clearly am clueless.
BC: DUH! When my string needs water, I drag it to my water bowl. You act like I'm not capable of taking care of my string. I give it baths you know! And you always get mad when you find my string in my water bowl! I can't do anything right!
MK: I get frustrated because the part of the string in your water bowl wicks most of the water out of your water bowl . . . and onto the carpet and your mat which just makes a big mess.
BC: While we're on the topic of big messes . . .
MK: I already took care of it, thanks.
BC: You ruined the surprise!
MK: No, I was surprised alright. Right as I stepped in it.
BC: But I missed it! Now I have to plot another mess! My job never ends!
MK: If it makes you feel better, I was impressed and disgusted at the same time.
BC: Why don't you tell me when you're about to find a surprise I left you?
MK: Because if it was a surprise, I wouldn't know it was there to be found . . . oh, never mind. 
MK: {mumbling to herself} What additional effort would it require to act surprised when I "find" a mess for the second time, only this time with him watching? I already act surprised when he jumps out at me from some place that he was completely obvious to begin with . . . I spend my life acting surprised . . .
BC: Are you talking to yourself?
MK: Yes.
BC: Well, don't let me interrupt your important consultation with yourself with the fact that MY STRING NO LONGER SMELLS LIKE ME!!! And YOU DON'T CARE!
MK: Fine, let's play.
BC: Too late. I'm exhausted. I'll wake you up . . . err . . . let you know when I'm ready to play again.



Part III {the next day}:

BC: Where's my string?
MK: In my bed.
BC: What's it doing there?
MK: You brought it there in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping, because you were finally "ready" to play. So you woke me up, and then left it.
BC: Nonsense! You tried to steal my string! I know, you want to sleep with it too! But it's MINE!

MK: If I was trying to steal it from you, why would I tell you where it is?
BC: You're human. Human = dumb and/or inferior. Therefore, my superior mind cannot comprehend your irrational reasons.
MK: Irrational as in your contention that I'm trying to steal your string when I have plenty of my own toys?
BC: My toys. Everything is my toy.
MK: Because THAT'S not irrational.
BC: I believe our definitions of irrational are different. Cats = smart/rational. Humans = not smart/irrational. Therefore, it is impossible for a cat to be irrational because he or she can never be human. Not that I expect you to understand something rational. Because by definition, as a human, you are irrational, therefore, you have no idea what I'm talking about because I am strictly rational.
MK: I'm going to go stick my head in the oven.
BC: SEE! You ARE irrational!
MK: What are you talking about? You try to get your head in there all the time!
BC: Because there is food in the oven. There is no food in the oven at the current moment, which means, there is no rational reason for you to stick your head in the oven.
MK: When you start making sense, I know I'm in trouble.
BC: It is impossible for me to make sense for you . . . 
MK: FINALLY! Something we agree on!
BC:  . . . because you are irrational and cannot understand the wisdom of The Great Bear Cat.
MK: Oh, for crying out loud!
BC: Where's my string?
MK: I don't know.
BC: How can you NOT know?
MK: When I did know, you didn't like it. So I'm going to try not knowing and see if I get a better result.
BC: So you're claiming you do know and you don't know at the same time?
MK: Yes.
BC: I-r-r-a-t-i-o-n-a-l.
MK: Never mind. I'll get your string and bring it to you.
BC: Finally! We could have saved ourselves this whole discourse, had you just done that in the beginning!
MK: What? That makes no sense!
BC: Exactly!



Part IV {later the next day}:

BC: AHHH-OOOOOOOF! Take that!
MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You surprised me!
BC: I bet you were scared!
MK: I was! I had no idea you were hiding behind your mousie! I probably won't be able to sleep tonight thinking about you jumping out at me out of no where!
BC: I'm formidable, inimitable, and intimidating! Ignore my wishes at your own peril! Ha-Ha!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Love has no place in my world of indestructibility!
BC: Wait . . . does the love bit come with back scratches and ear rubs? Because I could use some of those . . .
MK: Absolutely.
BC: But don't get any ideas . . . I'm just allowing you the pleasure of petting me to console you for being so inept at dealing with my cutthroat nature.

BC: Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr . . . even my purr sounds savage . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I know. That's just common sense. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. 
BC: {sigh} I love you, Momma.
MK: Now, THAT'S fierce!




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