Thursday, May 28, 2015

Having "The Talk" With Your Cat

Another "BONUS" conversation between Bear and Momma . . . a heartfelt talk about the birds and the bees . . . what could possibly go wrong? 
Besides an awkward and embarrassed Momma . . . a shocking revelation that changes Bear and Momma's lives FOREVER!

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


MK: Bear, we need to talk.
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Huh? Didn't do what?
BC: I don't know how your toothbrush got in the toilet.
MK: My toothbrush is in the toilet?
BC: Isn't that what you want to talk about?
MK: No.
BC: Hmmmm . . . Now I remember, it was someone else's toothbrush, in someone else's toilet . . . . so hard to keep these things straight.
MK: You've never seen anyone else's toilet!
BC: Must of been a dream then.
MK: We'll deal with that later. I want to talk to you about the birds and the bees.
BC: I don't like them.
MK: What?
BC: I don't like them - all the squawking and buzzing . . . all that cacophony hurts my head. 
MK: {trying a different approach} Forget euphemisms. I mean . . . 
BC: {Bear interrupts} I take offense! I don't know what a "phemism" is, but I don't like being called one! It sounds nasty.
MK: Oh my head!
BC: See! You hear the birds and the bees too, right? The noise is enough to make someone crazy!
MK: {thinking: I need to get control of this conversation before I lose my sanity - or what is left of it} NO! I want to talk about the pictures I found on my computer - like the one of a furless cat? Look familiar?










BC: Isn't she pretty?
MK: Bear, I'm afraid this might affect your respect for women . . . 
BC: {Bear interrupts, again} If that's what you're worried about, I already don't respect you.
MK: I know that. I mean looking at pictures like the one you found objectifies women and makes "real" women feel bad about themselves.
BC: Is this about your insecurity? Are you having a bad body image day?
MK: No! If you want friends, even a girl friend - "real" relationships - I can ask around and see if I can find you a playmate. 
BC: And you think I'd rely on YOUR judgment? Look at your taste in men! And besides, I don't want friends that are cats. As a cat myself, I know what they're capable of . . . and I don't trust them. They'd steal the fur from your back if you aren't careful.
MK: Oh for crying out loud! That picture could be of your mother or your sister - how would you feel about that?
BC: Yes! I HOPE it's my mother.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: After I realized I wouldn't get enough money selling you, I decided to look for my real mom. I think that's her!
MK: I'm confused - you didn't download the pictures to . . . ummmm . . . never mind. 
BC: I remember when I was a kitten, there was this furless, HUGE cat that took me under her wing. She gave me ENTIRE BOWLS of food that were immediately refilled! She never told me "no," and let me be myself. We snuggled all day long in a little nest! I bet that was my real mom!
MK: Bear . . . that was me.
BC: WHAT?!?!?!?!? How come you don't act like that anymore?
MK: Because you're no longer a four pound, scared kitten, in a new home.
BC: Are you sure?
MK: Last time at the vet you weighed 14  1/2 pounds . . . yeah, I'm pretty sure. Though you are still scared of everything (but me, of course) . . . 
BC: NO! Are you sure you're the mom I'm remembering?
MK: Did this "momma" also keep putting you into the litter box?
BC: Well, yeah . . . wait a minute! Damn. You shrank! I thought there was something familiar . . . and I didn't feel myself being picked up by the scruff of the neck so I just thought my mom had a soft touch. And now that I think about it, this mom didn't have a tail either!
MK: So that was what these pictures were about? You're looking for your "real" mom? 
BC: Not anymore! She must have abandoned me! I'm an orphan! Just unloved and unwanted . . . tossed aside like trash . . .
MK: Oh, Bear. I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose.
BC: MY MOM MISPLACED ME LIKE A RAT CARCASS - BUT BECAUSE YOU CLAIM IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL, I SHOULD FEEL BETTER?
MK: But we found each other, right? I chose you and want you and love you! You nosed your way in to my heart and now I can't imagine my life without you.
BC: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
MK: What would make you feel better?
BC: A WHOLE CAN of wet food and dedicated snuggling time, with two-handed loves!
MK: How about your normal-sized snack and the cuddling?
BC: YOU HATE ME! {Bear thinks a minute} . . . With two-handed rubs?
MK: Of course.
BC: But we do that every day!
MK: Doesn't that tell you something?
BC: NO! Maybe . . .  PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . .
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I GUESS I'll survive . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . . such a hard life . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . .

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